Under the Same Moon
by Jen733
Summary: Most would call it young love, but for Edward and Bella, it was much more.  They promised each other forever until tragedy struck and changed their plans.  After years of separation, will they ever be able to forgive each other?  AH/Rated M.
1. Prologue

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

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-**O**-

Heart racing. Hands shaking. Legs trembling.

It was the moment I had imagined for the past ten years, and only then did I realize why that deep unsettling feeling was always present. The way his eyes narrowed in directly on me made me wish I could crawl into a hole and hide away forever. It was like a bad car accident – I couldn't look away, even though my eyes were burning with tears. He was so _angry_, and rightly so, but it still hurt for him to look at me that way.

"Bella," Edward whispered, his voice trembling as he said my name.

It had been ten years since I heard him say my name, and every day for ten years, I missed the way it sounded coming from him.

"H-hello," I replied nervously. _Ten years_, and I couldn't even form one word without stuttering.

I watched intently as his vibrant green eyes darted between my daughter and me. _Hurt_. It was evident in his eyes, the pain he was feeling. This wasn't _our _plan. _We _were supposed to have the little brown haired girl with his green eyes – not my ex-husband's blue ones. _We _planned on naming our future little girl Macy. And I did; only she didn't have Edward as a father.

_Macy Elizabeth. _We picked that name out during one of our late night conversations as our long-distance relationship progressed. Most teenagers our age were deciding what parties they were going to attend, but not us. We were different. We spent most of our nights talking about what we wanted for us, for our family – someday. Finish school, support Edward throughout medical school, and once he was finished with his residency, we would start trying for children. The excitement we talked of when we were younger was heartbreaking to remember now, though.

"Momma, can I get the flamingo?" Macy asked, tugging on my shirt and breaking my gaze from Edward for a split second.

Looking from Macy and back to Edward, I nodded deftly.

"Yay!" Macy squealed, grabbing Alice's hand and tugging her down the sidewalk toward the small gift shop. "I'm gonna get the ballerina outfit for her… but I also wanna get the roller skates... Ali, can I get both or will that clash?" I could hear Macy talking loudly as they walked away from me, her voice carrying throughout the large crowd.

I didn't care if Alice had to buy the entire store for Macy at that point, considering it was her fault that Edward saw me in the first place. She'd called out my name as she and Macy walked over to meet me after I exited the dress shop. Alice _knew _Edward was close by – my eyes were wide and my face was pale when I saw him walk out of the coffee shop. As soon as I'd looked back to Alice, her eyes went wide with shock as well, and that's when she'd given away my hiding spot.

With Macy and Alice gone, I stood just a few feet from Edward. Inch by inch, he moved closer to me, probably shocked that I was standing before him. I was sure that I looked different, being ten years older than when he last saw me, and add to the fact that I'd had a child, so my body would never look like it did before. I was pleased with my appearance, but I wasn't going to kid myself that I was the same girl he knew before.

"W-what are you doing here?" Edward asked, his hands clenching the bag he was holding.

I didn't even know the answer to that question. I just wanted to see him again – not interrupt his life, but just see him from a distance. When I looked on his Facebook page earlier in the day, I insisted that Alice and I take Macy to see the lights in Marshall, knowing Edward was going to be there. It was so, _so_ stupid of me, but I just _had _to.

"I, uh... I wanted my daughter to see the lights," I answered dumbly. "I loved it so much before..."

The first time Edward made love to me, we had rented a little hotel room in Marshall after we toured the small town's Festival of Lights. Being back in that town and reliving all the memories we made absolutely killed me. It was like I was punishing myself, but maybe that was what I needed.

Edward blinked a few times, obviously not knowing what to say to my stupid comment that vaguely brought up our past. "I live here now."

I didn't know what to say. _'Yeah, I know you do because I have been checking up on you for years.' _

"What are you doing in Texas?" he asked hoarsely, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He was standing so close to me I literally ached to reach out and touch him; to feel any part of him that I could. "I live here... in Texas. Just outside Texarkana, actually."

His face contorted with pain. I was ten years too late moving there. "And your _husband_... I thought he had his own business back in Colorado?"

Of course, Edward would jump right into the nasty stuff. I couldn't blame him though. Clearing my throat, I braced myself for his reaction–good or bad–it was probably going to be bad. _'I told you so...' _And I was prepared to hear it from him. "We're divorced." Just as I expected, he smiled sarcastically. My heart dropped. "And my mom died recently... so I had no reason to stay there anymore."

The old Edward I knew, not the smiling one who was happy to hear of my failed marriage, appeared. "I... I'm sorry, Bella."

My eyes filled with even more tears and began to spill over as I sniffled. "She fought it for so long and relapsed about two years ago." I didn't know why I was telling him because honestly, I knew he didn't care about anything else besides the fact that I chose my life in Colorado over him all those years ago.

Edward extended his arm slightly, as if he was going to touch me, but pulled it back almost immediately. "Well, I'm... sorry for your loss. She was a good woman."

Before I could respond, someone called out to Edward. "Come on, Edward! It's almost time for our carriage ride."

And punishing myself even more, I craned my neck around Edward to see who the female voice belonged to. She was beautiful and definitely fit in well with Edward. Tall, dirty blonde hair, clothes too sophisticated for an evening outing – she looked like a damn model.

Suddenly, I felt so small. I needed to get away, although I hated that I was always running away from him. "I really need to go find my daughter…" I wiped away the few tears that had fallen. "Sorry for..." What exactly was I _not _sorry for? "I've really got to go," I finally said after a long pause.

And like a coward, I hurried away.

-**O**-

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Thoughts? Nervous like me? This will be an angsty story, but you guys all know how I am about HEAs, so no worries there - it'll just take a little longer to get to that point. The chapters will be longer than this, but I couldn't really continue the prologue any more than what it is. I feel like I'm posting my first story again - it's been too long! ::biting nails::

Thanks to **Jen_328 **(Red Pen Mafia) and my prereaders: **Teacher1209 **and **Jadsmama**. They have helped me so much and I would not have posted this without their encouragement.

I'm still going to post my other story - Life Flies By - but it will be sometime later this month. Both stories will post once a week.

Thanks for reading! I'll send teasers for the next chapter to everyone who reviews.

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*Fics-You-Should-Be-Reading-and-If-You're-Not-You-Might-Be-a-Little-Crazy:

**My Perfect Mr Imperfect** by xrxdanixrx

**blossom** by ms-ambrosia

**Starry Eyed Inside** by Rochelle Allison

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See you next Thursday! Happy New Year!


	2. Crush

-**O**-

_**January 1997**_

_**Bella**_

It was another Friday night spent inside the high school gym. I spent most of my time at the school, always expected to help my dad out with anything he asked of me.

"Bells!" My dad yelled from the sideline of the basketball court. I always _despised _that nickname. "Can you help with this down here?" I was considered his unofficial water girl. Mike Newton usually filled that role – water boy, not girl – but he had gotten sick during the first quarter and had to leave the game early.

I hated being the coach's daughter. My dad expected me to help with little tasks that his guys tried to get out of every day, whether it was putting up the basketballs after practice or water girl. Most of my friends were jealous because they were in love with half of the juniors and seniors on the varsity basketball team, but I just saw it as a horrible, _horrible _task that I was stuck with.

I groaned quietly and got up from my seat in the stands, making sure to throw in an eye roll toward my mother just to remind her how unhappy I was as I squeezed my way past her down the aisle. My best friend Angela giggled and winked, silently reminding me that I was going to be sitting next to her crush – Ben Cheney. She claimed to have fallen in love with him in junior high, but I thought he was a jerk, so I scoffed at her crush over him.

Ben was benched for that game, out on a knee injury from the previous week. He was at the end of the long line of chairs, right beside the water cart, so I knew I would be sitting next to him. So did Angela, hence the suggestive wink she gave me. However, I would never talk to Ben, even if I loved Angela more than anything; I was just too shy then to talk to him, or anyone really, for that matter. I was glad to stick with my circle of friends that I felt comfortable with. I avoided others as much as possible, that is, until my dad pushed me into doing something I didn't like. _Like filling in as water girl._

Once I reached the sidelines, I stood by my dad, listening to one of his angry lectures during a time out. After he finished, I raised my eyes from the floor, only to find the prettiest pair of green eyes I had ever seen looking right at me. I was in love with those green eyes; every girl was. _Edward Cullen_. He was the guy every girl wanted and the guy every other guy wanted to be. Girls flocked to him; I was too shy to even look at him.

Our eyes stayed connected for a moment longer before the sound of the whistle broke whatever spell I was under. Embarrassingly enough, I was usually too shy to even look directly at him, so those few seconds had my heart racing. And before he turned to join his teammates back on the court, he flashed a crooked smile my way – the kind of smile that would take the breath away from a nerdy freshman who would never forget that moment. I looked away quickly, as if his smile was blinding, and my ever persistent blush was completely out of control. _Even my ears turned red – burning, fire red. _For the life of me, I had no idea why I had to blush _everywhere_.

I was snapped out of my stunned state when my dad nudged my shoulder. "_Bells_." He was clearly exasperated now. "Can you _please _fill up those water bottles and get some fresh towels out here _now_?"

I wished more than anything I could talk with him about his attitude toward me– tell him that he should use a little bit of a nicer tone, considering I was doing him a favor, but I would never stand up to my dad. Instead, I nodded dejectedly and made my way over to the cart, picking up water bottles that had been discarded on the floor. And regardless of what he asked, I vowed not to pick up the sweat-soaked towels lying around. _Disgusting._

My brother whistled from his seat in the stands, taking time to praise the 'water girl' – effectively embarrassing the ever loving shit out of me even more because the guys sitting on the bench started whooping and hollering along with him. My oldest brother – Paul – he had always been such a fucking jackass; the jock, the homecoming king, my dad's pride and joy. And he was the source of my humiliation for most of my young life. Paul started picking on me the day I was born. My other brother, Seth, was never too bad, but just like Paul, he was well accomplished in sports and kept my dad beaming with pride throughout his high school career. Both of my brothers were much older than me – Paul, thirty two and Seth, twenty six. They liked to call me the accident because... yeah, I was completely unexpected. Unexpected and not talented in sports like my dad wished for.

But looking back on my current humiliation... _Edward Cullen _chuckled just a few feet away from me but not loud and obnoxious like the other guys. My eyes didn't meet his; instead, I walked away, blushing like the insane fool that I was. The guy was swoon-worthy to the maximum. And like I said before, every girl wanted him and probably got him if they were half as pretty as he was, but I was the awkward teenager with boobs the size of grapes who was completely in love with him. He probably didn't even know my name.

"Bells!" My dad snapped, raising his voice slightly as his mustache seemed to flare out. I wanted to yank the damn thing off to remove the scowl he gave me. "Water... honey."

My grandma always told me that my eyes were going to get stuck if I kept rolling them, which was often. If it meant that I didn't have to see my dad's scowl, then I would have been okay with it.

As I pushed the cart down the sidelines, I glanced up at my mom and got another sympathetic look – she knew I was just dying inside, being the dramatic teenager that I was. Other than Angela, my mom was the only one I confessed to about my love for Edward. It was a horrible crush that I thought I would never get over. When my dad invited him over to our house earlier in the school year, I couldn't even make myself leave my bedroom just knowing that he was sitting at my kitchen table. Seth was good with algebra and apparently, Edward needed help – my dad didn't want to lose his top player due to poor grades.

Once inside the locker room, I quickly filled the water bottles with water and ice. I blushed, _again_, as I glanced down at one of the bottles which had the initials 'EC' on it. Though it sounded weird, I wanted to drink out of that bottle because of the simple fact that his lips had touched it before mine – but I didn't. And yes, I knew very well that I had probably lost my mind.

When I got back to the basketball court, Edward had just scored three points, earning cheers from the large crowd. He always smiled after every shot, not a cocky smile, but his signature crooked grin that made every girl literally melt.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Angela sitting next to my dad, holding his clipboard for him as he yelled at his guys to 'hustle'. His face was red, as dark as mine would get when I was embarrassed, only his was from anger as he paced like a maniac up and down the sidelines. Angela's mom made her go down to help me, since it was so obvious to everyone that I was ready to have a panic attack from being in the spotlight, thanks to my _awesome _brother.

My dad was busy yelling at the ref because of a bad call as Angela and I unloaded the water bottles, handing them to the players that were benched.

"I figured you could use some help down here," Angela whispered, nudging me with her elbow.

"Thanks, Ang..." I sighed, plopping down on one of the uncomfortable metal chairs. "I'm going to kill Paul."

"I think your mom might beat you to it, B."

My mom was always very protective of me. She had to be. Paul was constantly aggravating me over every little thing, and to a teenage girl, that was devastating at times. And to add to my problems, my dad never supported me in the things that I accomplished – they might not have been sport achievements, but academic achievements that my brothers never had. I was constantly finding reasons to bring up to my dad if I needed to – like I had to defend why I wasn't the daughter he wanted. I knew my dad loved me, but I never thought he was proud of me. My mom, though... she took every opportunity to show how proud she was of me. Most teens weren't really close with their mothers, but I didn't know what I would ever do without mine. She was my best friend.

After a while, I got sucked into the game, watching Edward run up and down the court. I didn't realize Angela was talking to me until she nudged my shoulder. "I'm going to give Ben some water... do you think I should?" she asked in a low whisper so only I could hear.

I nodded happily, excited that she was actually going to approach him. I silently squealed inside for Angela as she walked up to Ben and handed him some water. He winked at her, and I knew she was ready to jump for joy.

Smiling, I turned my head back to the game, watching for Edward, only I found him standing right in front of me, breathing quickly and holding out his hand. _Gah_, I loved his hands.

_Water!_

And once again, I made a damn fool of myself in front of him. Shakily, I handed over his water bottle, not making eye contact with him whatsoever.

"Thanks, beautiful," he said, sending me into teenage shock.

Maybe my ears were lying to my brain, just hoping he would say something like that to me. I just couldn't fathom that he would say I was _beautiful_. Angela giggled as Edward walked away. I couldn't breathe.

"Did he just say..." I mumbled in a very quiet whisper.

"Um, yeah, B... he definitely said you were beautiful."

Like the two crazy teenagers that we were, we gave each other _the look_ that meant there would be an epic squee-a-thon as soon as we stepped inside my bedroom later that night. Even my mom would be excited for me though she would have _never _let me date a guy as old as Edward. Three years didn't seem like a big deal to me then, but I guess it was if you were in high school.

That was the best night of my life, _or so I thought, anyway._

-**O**-

The next month passed by quickly, speeding right through the basketball season. The guys had just won their district championship game, and Angela and I were invited to the big after party. In the past month, Ben started talking to her all on his own, surprising both of us. Her mom was completely against her dating a junior, but her dad was a little more lenient and said she could hang out with him at their house. By some miracle, our parents allowed us to go to the party at Ben's house. His dad was a preacher – respected throughout our small town – and his parents just happened to be out of town on a conference. That very respectable couple assumed that their son would never bring alcohol into their home, but they were so wrong.

Angela and I received the _long _talk from both sets of parents about no drinking and no drugs, and if we needed to be picked up just to call and our parents would be there within seconds. My house was a block away from Ben's so I was positive that my dad would be driving past the house several times that night. And I was extremely sure that he threatened the guys with 'balls being cut off' if they did anything illegal, especially with his daughter around. We found out that some of the guys were mad that Ben invited us. They were pretty scared of my dad.

When we arrived at the party, Ben greeted us almost immediately and took us around to talk to his friends. His friends were all older than Angela and me, but being around them made us feel like the cooler, older kids.

I was offered my first beer and my dad's angry scowl with the flaming mustache popped into my head instantly. I took the beer against my better judgment and pretended to sip on it throughout the night. It was really disgusting, and I didn't really see the appeal in drinking it.

Angela and Ben excused themselves to go outside to _cool off _but I knew it was an excuse for Ben to make _the moves_ on her. Part of me was jealous because I didn't have any guys hanging all over me, but that feeling disappeared as Edward Cullen appeared in the entryway of the den. I could feel my face burning and probably my ears, as well, because God loved to torture me with the blushing crap. Deciding _I _needed some air to cool off, I escaped and made my way to the kitchen to pour out my beer, only I was interrupted just as I was about to empty the bottle.

"Hey, now!" You can't just waste good beer like that." It was Edward and he was chuckling – that sexy, low chuckle that made every girl feel like they were going to pass out – or in my case, have a heart attack.

I gasped; slightly shocked that he followed me out of the den. "Um, I just... I _hate _beer. And Mike insisted... but do you want it? I didn't drink out of it or anything," I blurted out, rambling like a fool and forgetting to breathe.

Edward smiled crookedly and walked over to me, standing just a foot away. "Sure, I can never turn down a beer."

I nervously handed it over to him, my heart pounding as his fingers grazed mine. Like the love-sick teenager that I was, I inwardly swore to myself that I would never wash my hands again. _Damn_. Sick teenager.

Clearing his throat, Edward leaned against the counter across from me as he took a sip from the bottle. "So... are you having a good time?"

I shrugged nonchalantly, as though it wasn't the greatest moment of my life. "Yeah."

Edward opened his mouth to say something, but Lauren walked in and interrupted. "_Eddie_," she whined, so annoyingly that I wanted to yank her fake blonde hair out, "I thought you were going to show me where the bathroom is..."

_Eddie_? Why would she call him Eddie? He didn't look like an Eddie. His name was Edward, you skanky ass.

Deep down, I wished he would have turned her down and kept talking to me. Even if we had to talk about stuff like the weather or other stupid crap, it would have been better than nothing. But he didn't.

With a slight grimace, Edward pushed away from the counter. "Thanks for the beer, Bella. See you around," he mumbled, following Lauren out of the kitchen. It was no surprise to me that they hung out with each other. Homecoming King and Queen... football and cheerleading captains... everyone expected them to be together. They were like one of those perfect teenage couples posing for _Seventeen _magazine. My only wish was that someday Lauren would gain a lot of weight and break out with adult acne. Yeah, that was a nice wish.

-**O**-

At midnight, I started searching for Angela. I didn't want to interrupt her time with Ben, but my dad warned us both if we were one minute late for our twelve-thirty curfew, he'd come get us, and I really didn't want to deal with that kind of embarrassment for the rest of my high school career.

During my search for Angela, I encountered several couples in bed together in each of the rooms – even a hallway closet. The last door I came to had a dry erase board on it that said 'Ben's Room – KEEP OUT'. I knocked timidly, praying that I didn't find Angela and Ben doing things that I had seen in the last five rooms (and hallway closet); besides, she wanted to wait until she was married for _that_, but I was almost positive that Ben could talk her into anything.

When nobody answered the door, I cautiously opened it, taking a deep breath as I peeked inside. And when my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I felt like I was going to throw up.

Edward was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning back on one elbow with the other arm extended, his hand guiding Lauren's head as she knelt before him. I felt like I was watching a porno.

The small amount of noise I made–out of shock, of course–caused Edward to turn his head toward me. My mouth fell open, my heart breaking all over again, and Edward gasped loudly. I didn't know if he was shocked that I was standing there like a complete moronic loser, or the fact that he was just enjoying what she was doing. Probably both.

My brain kicked in seconds later, and I shut the door, running away from that room – from the guy who would never know how heartbroken I felt... and how _stupid _I felt for being heartbroken, considering he didn't even really know me and probably never would.

I _hated _my life.

I steadily walked out of the house, forgoing my search for Angela because look where it got me in the first place. She must have seen me practically run out because I as reached the end of the sidewalk, Angela was running up beside me.

"What's wrong, B?" she asked, breathing deeply while trying to keep up with my quick pace.

But I couldn't talk at that moment. I was so disgusted. I mean, of course, he was going to have girlfriends that did that kind of stuff for him, but just seeing it actually happen... made me realize that I should have never pictured myself with Edward Cullen. I should never have dreamt about him. Like a moron, I even walked down the stupid senior hallway, just so I could get a quick glimpse of him every morning, even though Lauren or one of the other popular cheerleaders loved to pick on me as I walked by. I went out of my way to see him every day, but he was the kind of guy that would never be with someone like me. I was just wasting my time.

"Did someone touch you, B?" Angela asked, putting her arm around my shoulder. "I swear, if that fucking prick Newton bothers you _one more time_, I'm gonna–"

I shook my head, staring down at the sidewalk as we walked. "No, he didn't do anything. And I don't really want to talk about it."

She didn't ask again. We walked to my house as I dried my tears, not ready to deal with my dad's questioning because there was no doubt in my mind that he was up, waiting by the front door, pretending to be zoned into some random late night ESPN special.

I didn't know if I would tell Angela what I saw and why I was so upset, but at that time, I just wanted to go to bed and wish that night had never happened.

-**O**-

A little over five months later, it was graduation time. Time for Edward Cullen to leave. Time for me to get over my horrible crush on him.

There had been several instances where I ran into him in the hallway or when we'd shown up at the same party, seeing as Angela would drag me to every party Ben wanted to attend. And every time I saw Edward, I could never actually look at him because it reminded me of that night. I felt insanely stupid because I was so upset as though he cheated on me or something, and I knew he didn't... but the whole incident just killed me that night.

Angela told me he was a man-whore and that I shouldn't waste my tears on him.

Ben told me Lauren would always be a whore, and I needed realize that I would always be better than some skank like her. Her front teeth stuck out slightly; we were convinced that it was because she sucked too many dicks. So, yeah... she was a slut.

And I was ready to be a sophomore.

Ready to put my shitty freshman year behind me.

Next year had to be better, right?

-**O**-

It wasn't better. It was horrible, in the worst way possible.

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**So... thoughts? Let me know! Reviewers will get a tease for the next chapter. ****Thanks so much for reading and for giving another fic of mine a chance. Hope you all like it!**

**Thanks to Jen_328 (Red Pen Warrior), and my pre-readers - Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. - You should follow all three of these girls on Twitter. They are super sweet and fun to talk to.**

**Oh, and mega-thanks to HeatherDawn for making another beautiful banner for me. It's _so _pretty. I'll post it on my profile - or you can follow me on Twitter - I'll tweet it, too. You are the master banner making Heather and ily. **

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**FicsYouNeedToRead:**

**Through the Oak Door by struckatthesky - This one might freak you out like it did to me... wow, it's spooky, romantic, mysterious, and just an awesome fic. Read it!**

**Unexpected Circumstances by Savage7289 - Thanks to Sunfeathers and Teacher1209 for tweeting about this one - I couldn't stop reading it!**

**Sold, Sight Unseen by quothme - I know some of you pervs (like me) only read M rated fics, but give this T rated fic a chance. It's SO good - a short read and it's complete. (and again, thanks to Sunfeathers for finding the best stories out there)**

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**See you all next week!**


	3. Death

**Early update - wouldn't be around to post tomorrow. Back to Thursday next week though. **

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight. **

**tissue warning.**

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-**O**-

_**December 1997**_

"Shit, this hurts," Angela complained as she shoved her crutches under her arms. "This will probably be the shittiest birthday ever." She was turning sixteen that day and although she was getting her license, it didn't make her situation any better. During one of her previous basketball games, she'd hurt her knee and had to have surgery. She only had two more weeks on her crutches, and then she would be using her new license to drive us all around our small town.

I shrugged, listening to her complain _again_. I was slightly jealous because I still had to wait until the _next _summer to get mine. "At least we have your party to look forward to this weekend." I tried to stay upbeat about the party, though I was extremely nervous. Ben invited all of his friends to her party, one of them being Jacob Black, and although he was cute, I had sworn myself off from all boys. I didn't want to have any of the feelings like I did with my crush on Edward.

"Yeah... it'll be cool." Whether she admitted it or not, she was looking forward to Ben staying over late and the possibility that he would sneak back to the party after all of the boys were forced to leave. Angela lived just outside of Salida on a large ranch. Her parents had a small rental house on the property, but it was empty at the time, which gave Angela the bright idea to have her party out there. Her house was a mile away, leaving us far enough away from adult supervision that we were being majorly trusted by her parents to make 'wise decisions'. We were allowed to have boys over, but only until midnight.

Ben was scared of Angela's dad, and for good reason, considering he had a shotgun inside his truck. Her dad would be the one to come kick out all of the guys at midnight, though he didn't know how brave they actually were, seeing as they had plans to sneak back onto the property.

"Jacob will be there."

"Don't remind me," I grimaced.

"He's cute, B... and he _really _likes you." Angela wanted me to start dating Jacob because she felt guilty that she was always going out on dates with Ben, while I was stuck at home. I didn't mind though and no matter how many times I told her, she didn't believe me.

"B, I love you, but you do know that Edward Cullen is probably going out with a different girl every night. There's no reason to be so stuck on him still. We'll probably never see him again." And I knew we probably wouldn't. His parents had just put their house up for sale and had plans to move back to Texas, where Dr. Cullen would reopen his practice. The only reason they had moved to Salida was to be with Dr. Cullen's mother, who was sick. Since she'd died the year before Edward graduated, they really had no reason to stay there, especially since Edward had left for college.

Regardless, I was still hung up on him.

I slammed my locker shut, balancing both my set of books and Angela's, as we made our way to second period. "I just don't like Jacob. He's cocky and... _huge_ and... I just don't like him." I liked muscular guys, but Jacob looked like he was the spokesperson for steroids.

"Well, give the guy a chance. Or give _any_ guy a chance."

"I will," I complied, lying to get off of the subject.

The rest of the day passed by quickly; after school, Angela's mom picked us up, took Angela to get her license, and then we all went out for a celebratory dinner. When I got home that night, my dad was sitting on the couch, feet perched up on the coffee table as he flipped through the sports channels.

"Bells, would you do the dishes before you go to bed?" he asked, forgetting to even say 'hello' to me.

I didn't mind doing chores, but it would have been nice for him to acknowledge me in some other way. Since my mom had been upset so lately, I kind of... _needed _my father, but he never realized it.

"Sure," I answered unenthusiastically.

Life wasn't too good for me at home during that time. I loved my parents, especially my mom, but everything just kind of sucked. I felt guilty for avoiding home as much as possible, but when I was there, I hated it. I hated my dad's quiet, gruff behavior, and I hated that my mom was depressed.

I finished the dishes in record time and went to my room to study for my test the next day. And another night had passed by without my parents saying goodnight to me. I felt alone.

-**O**-

"Truth or dare, Bella?" Mike asked.

I usually picked truth every time for that game because picking 'dare' would have given them a reason to make me do something entirely too outgoing for my shy teenage self. And if I picked truth, it would be a question about my virginity or something of that nature. Either way I was screwed.

"Truth," I sighed.

"Have you ever seen a dick before?"

Oh. My. God. My face was burning and _that _night flashed in my head. I looked to Angela as my ears burned along with my face. "Yes."

Everyone laughed and scoffed because I was _innocent Isabella Swan_, the coach's daughter who never had a boyfriend. Where on earth would I ever have seen a dick? Was I peeping on someone like a creep? Did someone flash me? So many questions were being thrown at me as I stuttered my answer.

"Come on, B... whose was it?" Jacob asked, raising one eyebrow. That pervert probably wanted to whip his out for me. "Wait, I bet it was one of those raunchy pornos, huh? It's always the quiet ones..."

"Edward Cullen," I blurted out in order to avoid the annoying jokes about "the quiet ones". Plus, I knew I would probably never see him again, so I said my answer without another thought.

"_What?_" Everyone yelled all at once. Ben was busy laughing uncontrollably; making sure to point out that the color of my face matched my maroon sweater. _Asshole._

Taking a deep breath, I explained. "Last year, after one of the games, I was looking for Angela –it was the party at Ben's house–and I opened one of the doors to find Lauren Mallory going down on Edward."

"Oh my _God_!" Erin squealed. "What did you do? What did they do?"

I wanted to throw up all over again. "I was in shock... and Lauren... well, she didn't even notice because she kept going at _it_. And Edward... he gasped, but I don't know if it was because he was caught or from, you know..."

_Blah._

"Gah, I miss having him to look at," Courtney mumbled, and all the girls agreed with her. The guys rolled their eyes, only because they were jealous; they were all glad to see Edward leave so they could have some of the attention back on them. One of the girls mentioned that her sister, who graduated with Edward, had kept in touch with him and he really hated school.

By the end of the night, Mike ended up offering to let me see his dick so I could, and I quote, "Get over Edward's lame dick." Many times, I had to turn down his offer. Ben offered to punch him out for me, and I almost took him up on that offer, but he wasn't really worth it.

Following her parents' rules, Angela kicked the guys out at midnight. Her dad stopped by thirty minutes later, just to make sure we were doing okay, although he was really just making sure the guys were gone. All the big talk from Ben, saying he was going to sneak back to the house... they opted _not _to do that after all.

I awkwardly listened to the girls talk about... girly things. Pedicures and manicures and shoe shopping. I felt stupid, not knowing half of the brands of shoes they were talking about. It made me feel like less of a girl because I thought of a shoe as a shoe. I wondered if maybe that's why a guy like Edward would never be interested in a girl like me.

"Love you, B," Angela said, laying down beside me on one of the many sleep bags thrown on the floor. "Best friends 'til the day we die," she whispered, wrapping her pinkie finger around mine.

"Quit getting all serious on me," I said, nudging her elbow with mine. "I hate when you bring up death."

"It's going to happen one day. One day, I'm going to be this old ass woman, surrounded by my kids and your kids... because yes, I'll be their favorite auntie... and hopefully I'll be able to drag your old, cranky ass along with me."

"You die, I die," I agreed. "And I'm not going to be cranky, by the way!"

We giggled and talked some more, enjoying her sixteenth birthday party, already making plans for our twenty first birthday party. We didn't know what our future held, but whatever happened, we would be doing it together. She was my sister.

-**O**-

_**January 1998**_

"Okay, so I'll pick you up in like twenty minutes. Wear your v-neck black top and jeans... that'll look super cute. And Andrew will appreciate the low-cut shirt." Andrew was the latest guy Ben and Angela were trying to set me up with. He was one of Ben's good friends and though he didn't play basketball, he was one of the best cross-country runners we had. Not a bulky guy, but masculine and lean. _Like Edward...and not like Jake. _

"All right, I will," I said as I stepped inside Seth's truck. My mom was still at work in Port Angeles, so Seth offered to pick me up. My plan was to go home with Angela, but Seth insisted that he was going to take me home since he took off from work a few minutes early when my mom called him. My dad couldn't leave because he had a JV game starting an hour after school was dismissed.

Angela waved to Seth and hollered that she'd see me later as she walked to her car. It was our first day back from Christmas break and also the first day that she was able to actually drive to and from school, since she didn't have her leg in a brace anymore. I was _dying _to drive.

"Thanks for picking me up, Seth."

"No problem, B. I wanted to talk to you anyway."

Seth pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road, right behind Angela. "Claire wanted me to ask you if you'd consider being a bridesmaid. And she said to assure you that it's not an ugly dress."

I wanted to comment on the fact that she could have asked me herself. I knew Seth was forcing her to make me a bridesmaid, considering she absolutely hated me. Emily, Paul's wife, agreed with me when it came to Claire – she was a bitch and didn't deserve my brother. "Absolutely." I didn't want to hurt my brother's feelings.

We pulled up to a long line of cars at the stop sign, waiting to turn onto the main road. Angela was still in front of us, and I waved as she smiled giddily at us through the rearview mirror. Seth waved, too, and chuckled, commenting that I didn't have much longer until I would be driving. The next few minutes happened in slow motion. Each second burned into my head, changing my life forever.

Angela was at the front of the line, waiting to cross onto the highway, and instead of stopping at the stop sign, she rolled right through it. I noticed that she was looking down at something, and even though she couldn't hear me, I screamed for her to look up–to see the huge farm truck headed right for her–but she never looked up.

The truck didn't have a chance to slam on its brakes. It collided with her side of the new red Mustang that her parents had bought her just a month prior. I could not breathe. I could only scream and watch as her car was crumpled by the truck.

Ignoring Seth's demands to stay inside the truck, I unbuckled my seatbelt and threw open my door. I didn't know what I was going to do when I reached her car, but I couldn't just sit there and watch. When the skidding vehicles came to a stop, the truck was still upright, but very damaged, landing in a bank of snow. Angela's car... well, it didn't even look like a car. It was just twisted metal. The car landed in a ditch on its side, the driver's side on the ground.

"Bella, stop!" Seth yelled, his voice getting closer to me as I ran toward her car, screaming her name. I'd never run so fast in my entire life. "You need to stay back!"

"I have to help her!" I sobbed, panting as I tried to catch my breath.

Seth grabbed my arm and pulled me to his body, not letting me get away from him. "Bell, just let me go over there. You need to call nine-one-one." Seth was the only person in our family to have a cellular phone and I had never been so thankful for that thing.

My hands shook as I dialed the three numbers. I tried to focus on what I was going to tell the operator, but Angela's car was smoking profusely and all I could think of doing was praying that it didn't catch on fire. I knew she was stuck in there and it would probably talk a while to get her out. She had to be alive though, I kept telling myself that, over and over again. I needed her too much.

"Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?"

"My friend... she was in an accident!" I practically screamed, wondering how long it would take for the ambulance to get to her.

"Okay, try to stay calm. What's your name and what's your location?"

"I'm Bella," I managed to say in a panicked voice. "We're at the intersection of Holman and Rainbow road... in Salida."

"And are you hurt, Bella?"

"No. I... my friend is."

"Are you trapped inside the car with your friend? Is she conscious?"

"I was in the car behind her. My brother's with her right now. I don't know if she's conscious." People ran past me – most of them students and a few teachers that witnessed the wreck. We were only a mile or so from the school.

As I hoarsely informed the operator of the information that I had, everyone was trying to help my brother get to Angela. Unable to hold back any longer, I handed off the cell phone to one of the people standing by me and ran to the car. Seth screamed at me to stay back, again, but I didn't listen. And I really should have because the scene before me was one I would never forget. Before I could catch myself, I fell to the ground.

-**O**-

"Sweetheart, it's time." Even though she was still depressed, my mom was there for me in every way possible. I didn't let anyone in, though. I wanted to hide away from everything. Life no longer held an exciting future for me because I was alone.

I don't remember getting dressed. I don't remember my mom brushing my hair. And I don't remember my dad guiding me out to the car. I was a zombie, which was likely due to the medication Dr. Cullen prescribed me in the emergency room when I woke up from my blackout. Any other time, I would have been giddy from the fact that Edward's dad was near me. As I pretended to be asleep, not ready to wake up to my nightmare, I heard my dad discussing Edward with Dr. Cullen. They had just gotten back from staying at their home in Texas for the holidays. For the first time in my life, I didn't care one bit about what was going on with Edward.

My entire family loaded into my dad's Suburban, mindful of the hateful look on my face as they avoided sitting near me. Emily, who wasn't afraid of me whatsoever, sat next to me. I flinched when she grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

The ride to the church was a short one – you could be anywhere in our small town within minutes. I stared out the window, wondering why I couldn't cry. Had I cried out everything? What would everyone think when I arrived, no tears in my eyes like everyone else?

"I think your friends are sitting together, Bella... so if you want to sit with all of them, we'll just find you after the service." My dad hadn't said much to me; he was never good with emotional stuff. I hated him for it. He could tell me where my friends would be, but he couldn't just... _comfort me_?

I didn't have friends. Sure, they talked to me in school, but they weren't my friends. _She _was my best friend, and I didn't have her anymore. What would school be like? I couldn't fathom enduring school without her.

I didn't get to say goodbye to her. I didn't get to tell her that I was so mad at her for leaving me. And I didn't get to tell her that I loved her more than my actual siblings. She was more of a sister to me than my brothers ever were brotherly toward me.

Instead of telling my dad that I would rather sit with my family, I nodded. I hadn't spoken a word to anyone since waking up after the accident.

Once we arrived at the church, my dad dropped us off at the front while he went to look for a parking spot. From the looks of it, the entire town of Salida was present, which wasn't surprising. Everyone loved her; her family was well-respected and just good people. They would help anyone out, even if they were strangers. All of those good deeds... and _this _was what they received in return? Their only child _gone_?

I was fucking mad. I couldn't breathe. _Again_.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Mike said as I stepped inside the church. My mom and Emily stood on either side of me as I gripped Emily's hand.

I nodded, still silent, not ready to talk yet.

As we sat through the service, my mother, sister-in-law, and the witch-soon-to-be sister-in-law bawled. We listened to sad songs and her mother's loud sobs, just a few feet away from her body inside the closed casket. We were told to sit right behind her parents; even though we weren't actually related, we were considered family. It was hard sitting right behind her mother. I kept beating myself up inside, wishing I could force out one tear. Just one. To show everyone that I hadn't lost my fucking mind. Of course I missed her... I knew her better than anyone in that room.

I felt worthless.

I didn't cry when I woke up at the hospital. I just _knew_ she was gone when I saw her inside that car. Seth was screaming at her to stay awake and when her eyes closed, she left us. They flew her to the hospital, and even tried surgery to stop the bleeding, but nothing worked. Her injuries were irreparable.

"I killed her," her mom said, whispering loudly to her husband. "I shouldn't have let her drive... she had taken a pain pill a few nights ago... _God_, why did I let her drive? It was still in her system, Danny!"

The preacher glanced over at the grieving parents as he read through his long speech, telling us that she is in a better place now... no pain... no sadness... I listened to his words, but I just couldn't comprehend them at the time.

As if we weren't missing her enough, a slideshow was put together. Various pictures streamed across the large screen – baby photos, holding up her first tooth that she lost, our first day of kindergarten – the day we both wore purple corduroy pants and decided we would be best friends forever, and several others. The last sets of photos were the most recent. Her birthday party and the day her parents surprised her with the shiny new Mustang. I hated that car.

Once the service was over, everyone exited the church to head over to the cemetery while the family stayed inside the church to say their final goodbyes. My mom held my arm and led us to follow behind the immediate family. They wanted me to say goodbye to her, saying I needed closure. That was laughable, though.

"Go on inside, sweetie," Danny said softly. Her parents decided to go in last so they could say goodbye privately. I didn't know if I was ready to see her, but with no way to escape, I was pushed toward the casket that was now open. I had seen dead bodies before, but they were always old. But she just looked like she was sleep, aside from the bruising on the side of her face that they didn't cover up very well.

I took a deep breath as I dropped her necklace inside. She'd forgotten it over at my house the day before the accident. It was half of a heart; she had 'best' and I had 'friends'. It hit me then, that I would never see her again. I wouldn't wake up the next day and this all just be a horrible nightmare. It was real and she was gone.

Angela, my best friend, was _gone_.

I sobbed as my fists hit the casket, asking her why she didn't stop at the damn intersection. She left _me_. What was I going to do now?

My dad practically carried me out of the church, and rather than attend the burial service, we went home. I was having a panic attack that could not be stopped. A pill was forced down my throat, something to help calm me, and it worked eventually, letting me sleep away the rest of the day.

-**O**-

The day after the funeral, I sat at my desk; I was supposed to be going through the stack of homework I needed to make up after missing an entire week of school, but instead, I checked my email. To say that I was shocked to find an email from _him_ would be an understatement.

_Bella,_

_I hope you don't mind, but I got your email from Ben. My parents told me about Angela, and I know we didn't know each other that well, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about her. She was a very sweet girl, and from what I've heard, a very good friend to you. _

_You're in my thoughts and prayers,_

_Edward_

I read over his email a few times before it sank in that Edward Cullen was actually making contact with me. And I had no one to share it with. I felt stupid because it sent my heart into overdrive that he thought of me, but a second later, I found myself deleting it. Edward Cullen and everyone else could disappear for all I cared, and it wouldn't matter one bit.

Nothing mattered anymore.

* * *

**Thoughts? Sorry for the sadness/angst.**

**This chapter is dedicated to the best friend I ever had - Amy Jo. **

**Thanks to my redpen friend, Jen_328, and my pre-readers - Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. Love you girls.**

**Thanks for reading! Next chapter will post next Thursday. ****Do you guys have ficrecs for me? I'm still loving My Perfect Mr Imperfect by xrxdanixrx - I have several more that I'm reading, but my brain isn't working properly tonight. ;) ****Reviewers will get a teaser for the next chapter - hoping you guys are still around to read after this chapter.**

**See ya next week!**


	4. Friend

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

* * *

-**O**-

_**February 1998**_

"Okay, Bella, how did your week go?"

It was time for my weekly appointment with the therapist that Mrs. Cope suggested to my parents. My perfect grades were dropping and I had no interest in being social with anyone, so they all started to worry about me. It had only been a month since Angela passed away; what did they expect? That I'd be smiley and giggling?

"Fine," I mumbled, keeping my eyes locked on the floor. I didn't like the way she made eye contact with me.

"Your mom says that you still aren't eating much..." I hated the tone of her voice. "We were going to work on that this week, so what happened?"

Not able to withstand anymore, I blew up. "_We _were trying, but _we _feel like vomiting _everything_ when _we _eat, so please... _do not _talk of it as though it's so easy. I see her body, covered in blood... it makes me sick. I close my eyes to go to sleep at night... and I see her eyes looking at me, and it makes me sick. I go to school and I listen to all the whispers from assholes that call themselves her friends, but they just want attention and a reason to get out of class… and _that _makes me sick. I hate everything about my life."

But I didn't stop there. "And I hate that you refer to everything as _we_... _we _aren't working on anything together. It's just me. I have no one."

"Obviously you have a family that cares about you; they're trying to get you help. I think you're wrong when you say you have no one."

I decided to tune out her nonsense and just nod and smile for the remainder of my appointment.

**ooOoo**

_**March 1998**_

_**From: Cullen, Edward**_

_**To: Swan, Bella**_

_**Date: March 5**__**th**__**, 1998 21:23**_

_**Subject: Therapy**_

_Bella,_

_I don't know if you're actually getting these, but I hope you are. I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm more than willing to listen. I lost my best friend when I was twelve. He was hit by a car when we were out riding our bikes. I know that I can give you my sob story and nothing will compare to what you've gone through, but I'd like to think that we both know what it feels like to lose someone we were so close to. _

_Therapy sucks, I'm sure. Ben has kept in contact with me and said that he's being forced to talk to someone. He said you were, too. It doesn't matter what they say, nothing makes sense even though they try to do just that with a bad situation. _

_Anyway, I hope this email gets to you... and I hope you're reading still._

_Talk to you later,_

_Edward_

.

It was his fifth letter to me. I didn't really expect to receive another one after the very first, but surprisingly, he sent me a small message a few days later, asking if I'd gotten his email. I didn't respond, hoping he'd take the hint that I didn't really want anything to do with his man-whorish ways. But then he kept emailing me. Sometimes he'd tell me how crappy school was, and other times he would just talk about random things – funny stuff, which was probably mean to make me laugh, but it didn't work.

Nothing worked.

My mom took me to Castle Rock every other weekend, where we would shop for clothes because she thought that would cheer me up. And at school, all of my teachers were more than understanding, though I had given up on striving for the best like I had before. I was failing two classes and the others were almost there, too.

"Dinner's ready," my dad said as he passed by my room. I closed out my email and rolled my eyes, wondering why Edward Cullen was trying to get to know me now. I was a lot more fun when Angela was alive. Now, I just hated everything – including his stupid emails.

Once I got to the dinner table, my mom started in, though she was pretty nice about it. "Alice is coming to visit for a while. Doesn't that sound nice?"

"Yes." Alice was my cousin and someone I looked up to a great deal. She was older, twenty three, and married to the man of her dreams, had a good career... and she lived far away from Salida. I envied her because I wished more than anything I didn't live in Salida. I hated my school – Angela's locker was right beside mine – our desks were always side by side, and in Bio, we were partners. There were too many reminders of her all around me. When we had to find partners for a lab project, everyone was already paired up with their friend; I was the nineteenth student, left with no one. I was pawned off on grouping with Mike and Eric. I ended up leaving school a little earlier than usual that day and worked out an arrangement to write a twenty page report, rather than do the partnered lab project. Just as I suspected, school was unbearable.

"Jasper has to work, so she'll just be coming by herself – probably a couple of weeks or so."

Alice called me several times after the accident and unlike times in the past, she just wasn't able to cheer me up. I tried to put on a happy face for everyone, but I couldn't. At school, I could hear the whispers; everyone thought I should have been over her death already. I don't think anyone realized how close we were. We had our lives planned around each other. We were both going to University of Colorado, both majoring in Education, and we would both find teaching jobs at the same school.

I had no plans now.

"She'll be here next Friday, so make sure you've got your room clean. We'll set her up on your futon. Sound good?" My mom found that keeping herself busy was exactly what she needed to get her through her tough time. She tried to make me see that if I stayed busy with my school work, then I'd get my mind off of the accident.

"Sounds good."

**ooOoo**

_**April 1998**_

_**From: Cullen, Edward**_

_**To: Swan, Bella**_

_**Date: April 1**__**st**__**, 1998 13:33**_

_**Subject: Happy April Fool's Day**_

_Bella,_

_Happy April Fool's Day. I hope yours was better than mine. My roommate thought it would be hilarious to put blue hair coloring in my shampoo bottle. I had an appointment to meet with the volunteer coordinator at the hospital I want to work at someday... I'm hoping to become a volunteer in the surgical ward. I've been dying to be a surgeon ever since I can remember, so needless to say, I didn't really feel comfortable going to that initial interview with blue hair. _

_My day sucked ass. _

_How's therapy going? You never responded to my last email... or the ones before that. I'm assuming you're still having a hard time connecting to anyone, otherwise I'd think you really disliked me. I can't really blame you, though. That night at the party – I hated that you walked in on us. I felt dirty because frankly, Lauren is just that – dirty. _

_Do you... hate me or something? _

_I'm going to keep writing to you until you tell me that you are tired of me flooding your inbox. I hope you had a good day. _

_Bye Bella,_

_Edward_

.

I found myself smiling after reading his email. I liked the small glimpses into his life at college. I never even knew him when he was in Salida, so it was still surprising that he would be trying to... become my friend. However, I couldn't find the nerve to write back to him. I didn't know what to say, especially after all the months I had spent reading his emails.

"What are you smiling about over there, B?"

Alice and I were getting ready for bed when I took a quick break to check my email. My day hadn't been too bad, and actually, things had been looking up ever since Alice arrived. She'd been there for a week and a half so far and was staying one more week before she went back home to Texas. I dreaded when she had to leave, but I tried not to focus on the fact that it was happening soon.

"Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing to me, girlie."

I felt my face blush as I glanced at the computer screen again. "This guy..."

Alice's face lit up as she jumped on my bed with me. "Edward. Hmm... Why have I not heard about him before?"

"There's not really been much to say about him. He didn't pay much attention to me when he actually went to school here... and after... after Ang died, he started emailing me for some reason that I still have yet to figure out."

"Maybe he wants to be a friend to you, B... but what's he talking about here? What'd you walk in on?" Alice asked as she skimmed through the email.

Blah, this was not something I wanted to talk about. "I was looking for Angela and Ben... walked into Ben's room, only to find Edward and another girl... she was going down on him."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow. Did I mention that I had the worst crush on him?"

"Ouch, that must have been tough to witness, babe."

"It was. But I had Angela after it happened... she nicknamed him MW. We would be walking down the hall; she'd see him and whisper MW while making a gag-face. MW, Man-whore."

"And this crush... do you still have one on him?"

"No, or else I'd be squealing over his emails."

"Babe, you're smiling more than you have in the last week I've been here... and not to sound conceited, but I've always been able to put a smile on your face, and I haven't so far. He must mean something to you still."

I shrugged, my face still burning. "I'm just... I don't know why he's even interested in contacting me now. I was around him a lot during basketball season before, and he never really acknowledged me but once or twice. So... it just doesn't make sense to me."

"B, you're the coach's daughter. How do you think it would have looked if this older guy showed any interest in the _coach's daughter_, who happened to be a little freshman?"

I scoffed. "Yeah, and I'm still the coach's daughter... and he's still the older guy who happens to be attending college. What's the difference?"

"I don't know, but I think you should maybe send him a note back. Don't keep him hanging... I mean, how many emails has he sent to you?"

"About twenty or so now..." I mumbled.

"Okay, wow. So you're going to write him a quick email while I look through your yearbook to see why you were crushing on him," Alice said excitedly as she stood from my bed and hurried over to my bookshelf.

I typed out a quick email, but saved it as a draft, lying to Alice that I'd actually sent it to him. When she found Edward's picture, she was floored and wondering how I was able to ignore him.

"He's the one, B."

I laughed loudly and closed my laptop. "You're insane."

"And you're lovesick."

"Am not."

"Yes, you are."

**ooOoo**

_**May 1998**_

Around the end of the month, my parents shocked me when they announced that if my grades were passing by the end of the semester, I would get to go spend the entire summer with Alice. To say that I was excited would have been a huge understatement. All I wanted was to get away from home... to get away from the memories of past summers that Angela and I had spent together, and now I was being offered that, plus I'd get to spend it with Alice.

I felt guilty for leaving my mom all summer, but she insisted that she wanted me to have some fun with Alice. I closed myself off from all of the people that called themselves my friends. Ben tried reaching out to me a few times, but when I got word of him dating one of his senior friends, it disgusted me and I wanted nothing to do with him. I knew that the guy wasn't going to be single for the rest of his life, pining over his first love, but I didn't expect him to move on so soon.

I spent most of May working on getting my grades up and taking my driver's education course in the evening. Every time I came to a stop sign, I wondered what had been going through Angela's head when she had just kept rolling past the sign. I wanted to know what was so damn important that she'd had to reach for – she couldn't have waited a few more minutes until she arrived home. I just didn't understand it.

On the last day of school, I ignored everyone as they made plans for partying all weekend. I was invited to a few parties, but I knew they didn't really want "depressed Bella" there – it was out of pity or something, and to be honest, I had no interest in going. I got my learner's permit on that day as well and when my mom mistakenly drove down the road where Angela had her accident, I had a minor freak out. I couldn't see that spot again, even if it meant a few extra minutes to get home, taking the long way around town.

Later that night, I snuck out of my house for the first time in my life. I felt so... _disconnected_ from Angela. I was starting to forget what her voice sounded like. I couldn't remember small things about her, and it drove me insane. I thought maybe if I went to her grave, it might make me feel somewhat closer to her, more connected. I hadn't been there at all, but we'd passed by the cemetery several times each week, seeing as it was less than a mile down from our house, and I could see the very large flower arrangements that her mom had placed there each week.

As I walked quickly down the side of the road, I prayed my parents didn't hear me climbing down the lattice beside my window. I wanted to be alone. My mother kept offering to go with me to Angela's grave, but I couldn't imagine standing there with my mother as I asked my friend, who wasn't there, why she had to leave me.

Once I made it to the cemetery, sliding between the wide-barred gates, I headed over to her grave that lay beside the only tree in the lot. There were at least fifteen bouquets of flowers, a few stuffed animals, and a cross, placed in front of the headstone.

I threw my sweater on the ground and sat down on it, staring at the words in front of me. _Loving daughter, granddaughter and friend_. I read the words aloud, over and over again. It was so unreal – sitting at my best friend's grave. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were going to grow old together. My own brothers never treated me like a sister, but Angela did.

"Why did you leave me here? Are you watching me from up there? What would you do if it were me? How would you handle it? I wonder if everyone would look at you like you're insane like they do with me. It's humiliating to be the person that everyone whispers about. They look at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy... I am seeing a _therapist _after all. She's not helping at all, though. Nobody understands me.

"And do you know what the craziest thing is? Edward Cullen is emailing me now. It's laughable, though. I mean, why would he even think of me now? It's not like I ever mattered in the past. And I have _no one_ to tell this to, Ang. You would be freaking out right about now... telling me to email him back, but I can't bring myself to do it. I just... I miss this stuff. I miss telling you everything. I miss your advice...

"What am I supposed to do now?"

I sat in silence, wiping my tears away as the wind picked up slightly. I wished more than anything that she would haunt me; play a joke or something on me to let me know that she was there. Everyone kept telling me that she was looking down on me from heaven. If she was, I was sure that she'd be crying even though they all said there were no tears in heaven. She didn't want to leave her family and friends. Why would she _not _be crying?

With no more questions to ask, I stood up, dusted myself off and grabbed my sweater. "I miss you and love you."

**ooOoo**

_**June 1998**_

_**From: Cullen, Edward**_

_**To: Swan, Bella**_

_**Date: June 2**__**nd**__**, 1998 02:37 **_

_**Subject: Summer**_

_Bella,_

_I'm back home for the summer – in Marshall, TX. Have you ever been out this way before? It's really nice, but hot as hell. So humid. I missed it so much, though. Those years in Salida just about killed me. I hated being away from my friends here, but then things started to get better eventually. _

_I'm hoping things are getting better for you now. Has the therapist helped? _

_I can't believe I made it through my first year of college. There were times I didn't think I'd be able to pull off passing grades, but I did. How did your grades turn out? I'm sure you got all A's. Your dad always said that you were extremely smart without even trying. I sometimes don't know how I'm ever going to make it to med school, but I hope I do. It will make my parents proud; especially my dad... and I suppose I'll be proud of myself, too. _

_I'm just lazing around my house all summer. What about you?_

_Talk to you soon,_

_Edward_

.

Regardless of how hard I tried to ignore his emails, he'd started to get to me. I was beginning to worry that he'd stop and I would have nothing to look forward to when I opened my email. Trying not to over think the situation, I responded finally.

.

_**From: Swan, Isabella**_

_**To: Cullen, Edward**_

_**Date: June 2**__**nd**__**, 1998 02:53**_

_**Subject: Re: Summer**_

_Edward,_

_I've never been to Marshall, but I have been to East Texas. I have family that lives there. I'm actually staying in Texarkana with my cousin for the summer. I've only been there during the winter time, for a few holidays, so I'm sure the heat will be hard to get used to._

_Did you like college? I have no idea where I'm going, but at least I have two years to figure that out. My grades... suffered slightly, but I managed to pass everything. _

_Thank you for your emails. I really appreciate them._

_Bella_

.

I stepped away from my desk for just a moment to fold up the last of my clothes I was taking to Texas. My parents were taking me to Colorado Springs early that morning, which happened to be just a few hours away. I couldn't sleep – too excited for my trip. I'd never flown anywhere before, and even though my mother was worried sick about me flying alone for the first time, I was thrilled. We'd visited our family in Texas in the past, but we always drove the fifteen hour trip to get there. Alice and Jasper insisted on buying me a plane ticket, so my parents didn't have to spend more than a day driving me all the way to Texas only to turn around and come home..

I didn't really know what to pack because I was sure our summers in Colorado were different than Texas summers. I could wear jeans and a t-shirt here, but in Texas, Alice said I would die of a heat stroke if I wore anything but shorts and a tank top. Alice planned on taking me shopping the day I arrived; I was flying into Dallas, which was a couple of hours away from her house, so we were going to spend the night there.

When I got back to my desk, I caved in and checked my email... just in case he'd responded.

And he had.

.

_**From: Cullen, Edward**_

_**To: Swan, Isabella**_

_**Date: June 2**__**nd**__**, 1998 03:09**_

_**Subject: Re: Summer**_

_What are you doing up so late, young lady? It's 3 a.m. your time! I'm allowed to stay up this late... lol. _

_I've been to Texarkana before. It's really pretty there – lots to do, too. And my hometown, Marshall, is only an hour or so away. Any plans while you're there? _

_I'm trying to figure out something to do all summer. My parents are traveling, so I'll be on my own all summer, not that I mind. They offered for me to go as well, but they haven't had time to do anything for themselves in a really long time, so I opted to stay. _

_Thanks for emailing me back. It's nice to hear from you._

_Edward_

.

For the first time since I began receiving emails from Edward, I actually felt... happy. I honestly thought for the longest time that he thought I was someone else or something, considering he'd never shown any interest in me before. That was the only explanation I could come up with as for why he was talking to me. It still didn't make sense, but I was finally allowing myself to be excited.

.

_**From: Swan, Isabella**_

_**To: Cullen, Edward**_

_**Date: June 2**__**nd**__**, 1998 03:21**_

_**Subject: Re: Summer**_

_You're not __**that **__much older than me, so I think the staying up late issue... shouldn't be an issue. If you must know, I'm packing for my trip. Two months' worth of clothes is a lot to pack. Every time I zip up my suitcase, I remember something else I forgot. _

_I don't have a lot of plans for the summer. My cousin and her husband plan on taking me to all of the surrounding places. I'm looking forward to seeing the bath houses in Hot Springs. Boring, I know, but I like historical stuff. Have you been there before? Probably not – I'm sure you're into different things than that. _

_That's nice of you to give your parents some time alone. Where are they traveling to? My parents are going to be in Salida, of course. I don't think my dad has ever thought to take my mom somewhere anywhere. I hope when I'm married someday that my husband and I travel all over the place. I never want to be stuck in one place – especially not Salida. _

_I can't believe you're going to be a doctor one day – really cool. Have you decided what kind of doctor you want to be? I can't really handle blood, at all, so I know a medical profession is out of the question for me. I'll probably end up teaching or something; I haven't really decided. _

_Well, I guess I should finish packing. My flight leaves in four hours. It was nice talking to you._

_Thanks,_

_Bella_

_._

Even though it was just an email, it was the most interaction I'd had with anyone since Angela died, outside of Alice and my mom. It was nice to just... let go. I had no idea why I started talking about my future and what I hoped for in a marriage, and after I sent it, I was blushing furiously, trying to find out if there was a 'un-send' option.

Almost instantly, another email appeared in my box.

.

_**From: Cullen, Edward**_

_**To: Swan, Isabella**_

_**Date: June 2**__**nd**__**, 1998 03:24**_

_**Subject: Re: Summer**_

_I think you should do whatever makes you happy – something that keeps you smiling. _

_Good night – safe travels – and I hope to talk to you soon, sweet girl. _

_Edward_

_._

And that's how our friendship began.

-**O**-

* * *

A little progress, eh? :) Let me know what you thought and I'll send a teaser to ya!

Fic Recs:

**Dear Mr. Masen** by **jendonna**

**The Practice of Love** by **belladonnacullen**

**The Arranged Marriage **by **shasta53**

Big thanks to Jen328 - ren pen ninja, and to my pre-readers - Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. And many thanks to all of you for reading!


	5. Changes

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

* * *

-**O**-

_**June 1998**_

"You made it!" Alice squealed as soon as I stepped out of the terminal. We were about the same size, but that didn't stop her from wrapping her arms around me and spinning around. _So embarrassing_. Jasper laughed and grabbed the carry-on bag that I'd accidentally dropped.

Once Alice set me back on my feet, I allowed myself to finally let go and laugh. "You're making a scene, Al."

"And?" she laughed, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and pulling me through the bystanders. "I've missed you so much, B!"

There was just something about Alice that made me forget about all of my problems back home. I pushed Angela out of my mind for just a second as my excitement grew for my upcoming summer. Alice didn't have to work for most of the summer, so I knew she would keep me busy doing all kinds of things.

"Hi, sweetie," Jasper said, and I couldn't help but grin as I listened to his strong Texan accent. Alice didn't really have an accent, though she'd lived there her in entire life, but Jasper definitely did. He gave me a quick hug before leading us to baggage claim.

Alice was impressed with the number of bags I brought with me, but quickly reminded me that I would be going back with double the stuff, since she planned on picking out a whole new wardrobe for my upcoming birthday.

"So our plan for today is... Jas is going to meet up with some friends in the city, while you and I get started on some shopping," Alice explained as we hurried through the crowded airport. She was like the _Energizer Bunny_, going ninety miles an hour, not even stopping to take a breath. "Outlets are our friend, Bella."

And oh my _gosh_, those outlet stores were definitely her best friends. We had more bags than I ever imagined possible. I honestly didn't know how everything would fit inside her small SUV on our way home. Even without my bags, which were back at the hotel we were staying in for the night, her vehicle was loaded down. She didn't stop at just clothes; we bought sheets and pillows and various things for my room. Yes, I was staying there for the summer, but I never expected her to go all out with making the room _mine. _

When we got back to the hotel room, I couldn't help but feel slightly excited that I would get to check my email. The hotel had a media room downstairs, next to the lobby. I didn't know if Edward had emailed me back because I resisted checking my inbox before I had to leave for my flight. Maybe he was going to stop now that I wrote back?

The wait was killing me.

"I'm just going to run downstairs really quick... is that okay?"

"Where are you going, little missy?" Alice asked, trying to sound authoritative.

I couldn't lie. "I'm going down to check my email."

"Okay, I'm going to take a quick shower anyway... but don't stay down there too long. We've gotta get ready for our dinner tonight. Jas is taking us somewhere special," Alice hollered as I hurried out of the room.

I questioned myself the entire way to the lobby. Why on earth was I so excited to check it? He was just being friendly to me because he felt sorry for me. Simple as that. And now that I had responded, he'd fulfilled his purpose.

Imagine my surprise when I found _two _emails from Edward.

.

**From: Cullen, Edward**  
**To: Swan, Isabella****  
****Date: June 2nd, 1998 11:17 PM**  
**Subject: Hey**

_Bella,_

_I have to say, I'm still a little shocked that you responded back to me. I figured you were deleting them, which is understandable, considering we didn't exactly know each other back in school. I regret a lot of things I did in school; I've realized that since leaving that place._

_Are you excited to be a junior? I can't believe I made it through my freshman year. College is so laid back, but sometimes you get too laid back and then realize that you're failing two classes. My parents are tough on me about grades because they know I have the potential, but I just... get really fucking lazy sometimes. _

_So... I don't really know what to say that will not sound absolutely boring. It's just one of those days. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, and I hope you're having a good day._

_Talk to you soon,_

_Edward_

_._

My face hurt from grinning so much. Very quickly, I opened the next one.

.

**From: Cullen, Edward**  
**To: Swan, Isabella****  
****Date: June 2nd, 1998 11:22 PM**  
**Subject: Forgot to ask...**

_Did you get to Texas yet? Hoping you arrived safely. Maybe you could email me back? I'm kind of worried that earlier this morning was the last I would hear from you – maybe you wrote back to get rid of me? I dunno. My brain is tired and over-thinking things. _

_Hope to hear from you soon._

_Edward_

_._

Ha! If he only knew...

.

**From: Swan, Isabella**  
**To: Cullen, Edward****  
****Date: June 2nd, 1998 6:12 PM**  
**Subject: Re: Hey**

_You're right. You were over-thinking things. I just didn't respond before because... well, I don't really know why. I mean, I didn't understand why you were writing to me to begin with... and I still don't, but I'm not going to dwell on that. Plus, I haven't really felt like talking to anyone unless I had to. Everyone keeps telling me they're so sorry and they know how I feel, but I'm sick of hearing 'sorry', and I don't really know if they could understand how I feel unless they lost someone like her. _

_You haven't really brought up her death, except your first email... and I appreciate that. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to talk about her._

_To answer your question, I am in Texas now. My cousin and her husband are spoiling me way too much already. We've been shopping all day... and Jasper, her husband, is taking us to some restaurant where we have to dress up a lot. I'm a little nervous, but kind of excited. We don't have places to go like that around Salida. We're staying here in Dallas for the night and driving to Texarkana in the morning. _

_I'm not exactly excited to be a junior – I just want to get school over with. I don't really like anyone in my class, and in case you didn't notice before, I'm not an extremely social person. I just want to finish school and go on to college where everyone and everything is new. I haven't decided where I'm going now, but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. _

_What regrets do you have from high school?_

_And it's driving me too crazy not to ask... what made you start emailing me? _

_Talk to you soon._

_Bella_

_._

I don't know what had come over me, but I felt kind of comfortable writing to him. The situation would have been completely different had we been face to face, but through emails, I felt like I could open up and ask him things. I couldn't pass up the chance to ask why he had contacted me; I had to know. None of it made any sense.

Once I'd stared at my inbox for way too long, I signed out of my account and headed back to the room to call my mom. Alice was busy getting ready for dinner while I talked to her, and I couldn't help but feel guilty that I was going to have such a great summer while my mom basically spent hers alone; she had my dad, but it didn't mean he was actually _spending time with her_. I kept reminding myself that she pretty much forced me to go away for the summer, but that still didn't ease my guilt because I was actually enjoying myself.

"Take pictures, baby!" my mom said as we were about to hang up. "And please have some fun, Bell... you need it."

"I will. I mean, I am already," I said, pausing and asking again, "Are you sure you're okay, though?"

"Yes, I promise. I'm going to stay busy with work... and Aunt Sue is going to stay here for a few weeks. Stop worrying about me, Bella. I just really want you to have a nice time while you're there."

"Okay... but you promise you'll call if anything goes wrong?"

She laughed at my worried tone. "Yep, although I don't see anything going wrong."

Accidents. Car accidents, specifically. I worried about them every day. I lost Angela so quickly that I didn't know how I would ever trust that something wouldn't happen to my immediate family, especially my mom. Without her, I would definitely have no one back home. I don't know if she realized that or not.

"And I promise I will be extra careful driving, baby." She could always read my mind.

"Thanks, mom. Love you."

"Love you, too. Have fun tonight!"

Alice walked out of the bathroom just as I hung up the phone. Her hair was fixed perfectly, along with her makeup. "Your turn." She grinned widely.

One long hour later, we were both wearing our new black dresses and ready to go. The heels she had me in made me feel like I was going to fall over, but she insisted it would get easier as the night went on. I seriously thought she'd forgotten just how clumsy I'd been my entire life. Heels and me, we just didn't go together.

"Wow." Jasper stood in the lobby of the hotel, smiling at Alice and me as we made our way over to him. "I feel like the luckiest man on the planet tonight." Always the Texan charmer.

Jasper took us to Reunion Tower, and we ate at one of the restaurants at the top; I had no idea what I was eating, but it was good. I took so many pictures that I would definitely have to go get more film the next day. I couldn't get over how beautiful it was there at night. Alice was right about the heat – the humidity was different from what I was used to, but it was still nice. Maybe I was just ready to get away from home, but this vacation was like a dream come true.

Plus, it didn't hurt that Edward was just an hour away from me there. I was getting way too ahead of myself, though; I couldn't let myself get so worked up over him when there was a strong possibility that he would just let me down.

"You wanna go see a movie or something, B?" Jasper asked as we climbed in the car.

"Nah, I'm sure you guys are tired... and I really have no idea what we could do."

"Maybe we'll come back here during the day sometime – we could go to the zoo or Six Flags. That sound fun?" he asked sweetly. Jasper wasn't a big talker himself, but throughout the night, I found him trying to encourage me to talk. He wasn't too pushy – he just kept asking random things. I could definitely see why Alice loved him so much; he was a really genuinely nice guy.

"That sounds great. I love roller coasters." Honestly, I could barely concentrate on what he was saying because my mind was only focused on one thing, which was getting back to the hotel to check my email. I kept telling myself not to get excited because, more than likely, Edward wouldn't have time on a Saturday to reply back to me, but I still had a little hope.

Alice and Jasper started getting ready for bed back at the hotel, so I decided to go down to the lobby, once again. Surprisingly, Alice didn't question me about it; somehow, I think she knew.

Deep breaths, in and out as I waited for my inbox to load up.

_Bingo._

_**.**_

**From: Cullen, Edward**  
**To: Swan, Isabella****  
****Date: June 2nd, 1998 9:09 PM**  
**Subject: Re: Hey**

_Wow, you just had to ask the hard one. I'll save that for last._

_Regrets from high school: _

_Some of the people I chose as friends – like Lauren for example_

_Playing football and basketball – I have bad knees now_

_Not paying attention in some classes_

_Break my curfew – my parents didn't need the stress_

_The list goes on and on… maybe someday I'll tell you the rest. _

_Hm... and why did I get in contact with you? I hope that doesn't translate to "I hate you, Edward Cullen. Why are you bothering me?" ...because that would suck. I initially contacted you to give you my condolences, but a while later, I was talking to Ben and he told me that you were taking it harder than anyone – which was to be expected because she was your best friend. And I can't say that I didn't have another purpose as well... I wanted to get to know you, too, so I started writing these random things to you. _

_In high school, I would always pass by and you'd give me this shy smile... I loved it, and I wished that we would have been friends because you just seemed like a really cool girl. Then, after the thing with Lauren... I became Man-Whore, or MW, according to you and Angela (you girls didn't whisper too quietly) – and whatever chance I had at ever getting to know you was out the door. In addition to that, I knew your dad owned several guns; it wouldn't have looked too good for a senior to be hitting on the coach's freshman daughter. I mean... it's only 3 or 4 years age difference – doesn't sound so bad when you're 26 and 22 ... but 14 and 18. Yeah, so I... had a slightly-older-guy-perverted-crush on you. _

_I hope that doesn't weird you out. I just want to get to know you better._

_Still want to talk to me?_

_Edward_

_PS. How was your day? See anything cool?_

_._

I was going to get lock jaw with my mouth hanging wide open. He had a crush on me? Unreal. I didn't believe it – not even a possibility. I re-read that line so many times, trying to allow myself to believe his words.

_**ECullen97: Hey, you there?**_

My eyes bugged out of my head as my AOL messenger popped up.

_**BellaStar1982: Hi, I'm here. **_

Out of sheer panic, I almost closed out my email all together.

_**ECullen97: Glad I caught you on here. I was just checking my email. How was your day?**_

_**BellaStar1982: It was good – we went to Reunion Tower – had dinner there, too. Very cool.**_

I didn't know what to say or how to act with him. Did he still have the perverted crush on me? He did say _had_, so I tried to calm my racing heart down by remembering that fact that he used past tense.

_**ECullen97: Awesome – it's pretty cool there. Did you read my email yet?**_

_**BellaStar1982: Yes. Why?**_

_**ECullen97: No reason. F**_

_**BellaStar1982: I'm so embarrassed over what you heard ...**_

I couldn't believe he heard the nickname that Angela gave him. We thought we were being so smooth, but apparently the one person that didn't need to hear it, did.

_**ECullen97: So I tell you that I felt like a perv for crushing on a freshman, and you're embarrassed because I heard you call me man-whore? Crazy girl.**_

_**BellaStar1982: It's embarrassing though.**_

_**ECullen97: Nah, it was true for the most part. Something I'm not proud of... but I'm different now. **_

_**BellaStar1982: For what it's worth, I am sorry. That was rude of us.**_

_**ECullen97: Don't apologize. Seriously, I was just giving you a hard time. I'm sure that made you blush like crazy. **_

My face was burning.

_**BellaStar1982: I hate blushing. **_

_**ECullen97: Are you right now?**_

_**BellaStar1982: I always do if I'm nervous or embarrassed.**_

_**ECullen97: Well, don't be embarrassed. Or nervous – I hope you aren't anyway. Regardless, I think your blush is pretty damn cute.**_

And he thought I was cute. My heart raced even more.

_**BellaStar1982: Thanks.**_

_**ECullen97: So what are your plans for the rest of the night and tomorrow?**_

_**BellaStar1982: Going to bed soon. I'm down in the lobby office area – my cousin is probably staring at her watch wondering when I'm coming back. And tomorrow… I dunno. We're probably just going to be unpacking and stuff. They bought me all new stuff for the guest room to make it a 'comfort zone'. You?**_

_**ECullen97: That's nice of them. I'm going to bed soon, too. I plan on washing my truck tomorrow and that's about it. Just going to chill at home.**_

_**BellaStar1982: No parties?**_

I hated thinking about nasty skanks like Lauren hanging all around him, even though he would never be mine. It was silly of me, yes, but I couldn't stop my jealousy.

_**ECullen97: Ah, those go on every night around here, but I just need some relaxation time, ya know? School really drained me. **_

_**BellaStar1982: Yeah, I understand completely. Well, I better go before Alice and Jasper come searching for me. **_

_**ECullen97: Shit, I'm sorry… of course your year was shitty. Mine doesn't even compare. Sorry. Email me? If you have a chance, anyway...**_

_**BellaStar1982: I will. And you? I like getting emails from you. (and don't be sorry – please. everyone is sorry)**_

_**ECullen97: Well, that's good to know Miss Swan because I thought you despised me for the longest time. I like getting emails from you, too. Hope you have a good night. (you can talk to me about anything – I know you don't really know me, but I'd like for us to be friends)**_

_**BellaStar1982: You too. Goodnight, Mr. Cullen. (I'd like that, too – thank you)**_

_**ECullen97: Night, sweet girl.**_

.

Holy Moses.

My hands shook as I logged off, still shocked that Edward and I were actually 'talking'. It may have been just 'chatting online', but to me it was much more than just that. And when he called me _sweet girl_... he just made me feel so special.

**ooOoo**

Over the next couple of weeks, Edward and I wrote to each other daily and most of the time, ended up chatting late into the night and early morning. Jasper moved his office computer into the guest room for me, using my need for a computer as his excuse to get a new one. Alice and Jasper kept me entertained with their always playful banter; I hoped I would have a relationship like theirs someday.

Alice took me shopping everyday; not always for clothes or shoes, but we would go antiquing or find random used book stores and spend hours in them. That's what I loved about all the little towns surrounding Texarkana – we found the neatest things.

.

**From: Swan, Isabella**  
**To: Cullen, Edward****  
****Date: 11:09 PM**  
**Subject: Hot Springs**

_It was so AWESOME. Seriously. I love historical things, so the bathhouses were just... amazing! Alice kept freaking out because we would separate from the group and she just knew we were surrounded by old __Hollywood ghosts. She's insane though, so that's a given. _

_The downside: it was so hot. I really thought I was going to have heat stroke. We stayed there all day – walking up and down the street all afternoon. Once Alice was sure we took enough pictures and checked out e v e r y store, we went to the mall there. _

_I love going new places and seeing new things. Arkansas is beautiful. We took the long way home and went on all of these curvy roads with the tallest trees I've ever seen. I want to live there someday; I'll just need excellent air conditioning. _

_How was your day? Did you find your movie? Jasper actually bought it just recently... I attempted to watch it a few minutes ago, but oh my god, it's too scary. _

_Hope you had a good day._

_Bella_

_._

**From: Cullen, Edward**  
**To: Swan, Isabella****  
****Date: June 26th, 1998 11:02 PM**  
**Subject: Swim**

_I just took a late night swim. It was awesome. And my fucking creeper neighbor was checking me out again. I could hear her breathing on the other side of the fence. Maybe I should go skinny dipping and that would give her a heart attack. Creeper, be gone. _

_Have you ever gone skinny dipping, Isabella?_

_I have, but it wasn't pleasant. A fish or something, up against... my stuff (using 'kid friendly words' since you're still calling me a creeper) and it really fucking freaked me out. I would much rather wear my underwear, thank you. But at home, I can let loose. _

_Isn't it crazy that I'm a grown man and scared to keep any of my blinds open because of the peeping tom neighbor? Why don't you come over and pretend to be my girlfriend? That would solve the problem maybe, and then I could enjoy my summer without being watched 24/7. _

_I'm rambling. I missed talking to you today. Did you guys get all of the party stuff? _

_Talk to you later._

_Edward_

_._

**From: Swan, Isabella**  
**To: Cullen, Edward****  
****Date: June 27th, 1998 1:26 AM**  
**Subject: Creeper**

_Sorry I missed you, creeper. _

_Yeah, we got everything. The biggest 4__th__ of July bash in East Texas is ready to go. Are you doing anything for the 4__th__? _

_Going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow._

_Bella_

_._

**From: Cullen, Edward**  
**To: Swan, Isabella****  
****Date: June 27th, 1998 10:12 AM**  
**Subject: Re: Creeper**

_Very funny, Isabella. _

_I don't have plans for the 4__th__. Some of my friends are having a big party, but I'll probably stay in. I don't feel up to drinking very much lately. _

_I've been thinking... we should meet up sometime. I can go there anytime, considering I'm just an hour away. I understand if you don't want to, but it's just a thought. It'd be nice to see you. _

_Let me know. _

_Talk to you tonight._

_Edward_

_._

After that email, I panicked. I wanted to see him more than anything, but I was afraid that my feelings for him would get the best of me and I'd end up making a complete fool out of myself. From what I could tell, he made it clear that he'd _**had **_a crush on me; past tense. And I still had said crush on him even though I tried to fight away those feelings.

Edward was completely amazing. When I was down, he somehow sensed it through our multiple daily emails. He never pushed me – never expected me to talk to him. He would bring up some random thing to take my mind off of my problems. And I loved him for it; not romantically yet – I just had a major crush on him, but it wasn't _love_... no, this love was for him as a friend.

There was no way I could reply to that email and tell him 'no' – that I didn't want to meet up with him. Without thinking twice about it, I responded back and told him yes, of course. He made plans for us the very next day. No matter how hard I begged, via email and messenger, Edward would not tell me what we were going to do. He just said dress casual.

Did guys realize what 'dress casual' meant for a teenage girl?

Shorts, Capris or Pants.

Khaki, Jean or Cotton.

T-shirt, Blouse, Tank Top or Long Sleeve.

Flip flops, Tennis Shoes or Sandals.

All of those items were considered casual. Edward was dropped dead gorgeous, and I didn't want to show up looking like some frumpy dim-witted girl that dressed too casual or not casual enough to be seen with in public with him. Needless to say, I got up at seven that morning to start getting ready. We were meeting at nine, so two hours gave me plenty of time. Or so I thought.

Right down to the last second, I was straightening my hair and checking my face for the millionth time. I settled on khaki shorts and my new, yellow American Eagle t-shirt, along with flip flops. Alice assured me that he would probably be wearing shorts as well, considering how hot it was going to be that day. One hundred and five degrees, which felt like one hundred and thirteen instead. It was miserable.

"Let's just... keep this to ourselves," Alice said as she parked by the Sears entrance at the mall. "I mean, I trust you completely, B... and I'm probably doing a really, _really_ bad job of Summer Parent here, but I don't think it's wrong to let you go out with this guy. But your parents would just die if they knew..."

I laughed at her rambling. "I already talked to mom this morning – told her I would be out for most of the day. And I promise you, I can be trusted... and so can Edward. He's scared to death of my dad, so believe me, he'll be good. He's a good guy."

"Yes, he is. He's brought _you _back, B."

"Stop." I grinned, my heart fluttering because I felt alive for the first time in several months, and he had a lot to do with it.

"Okay, okay," Alice giggled, raising her hands up in defense. "Seriously, _if _for some reason, he really turns out to be an actual creeper, find the nearest pay phone and I'll be there in seconds."

I laughed loudly at her using the nickname I'd given him over the summer. "Sure thing."

Shockingly, she gave me an eleven o'clock curfew, which was more than generous. At home it would have been eight or nine, regardless of the fact that it was summer and we lived in the most boring town known to man. I loved Alice even more after that. She trusted me and knew I wasn't going to get into trouble, plus she had seen some of Edward's emails and thought he was the sweetest _thang. _

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Edward's silver truck parked by the main entrance. I went inside Sears, allowing myself a quick stop by the bathroom before meeting Edward by Chick-fil-A. One more fast pep talk, and I was ready to go out there and see him.

_However, _Edward had the same idea as I had. We exited the men's and women's bathrooms at the exact same time. It took me a moment to process everything. Edward stood before me, wearing khaki shorts and a light blue polo shirt; his hair messy, but perfect as always and that same crooked smile he always wore, sending my body into teenage-dream-overdrive.

"Hi, Bella," Edward said, breaking the silence with an amused look on his face. "I see you had the same idea as me?"

"I, uh..." _oh god, not now... please don't_ _stutter now! _"Alice just dropped me off. I was about to come find you."

"Found me," he chuckled.

I blushed furiously and looked down at my feet. "Yeah."

"And you're not going to give your own personal creeper a hug after corresponding for so long?"

He loved it. Edward knew how to press my buttons and make me completely melt. It was the first time I'd seen him in a year and the first time I had a face to face conversation with him since that fateful night at the party; somehow he'd gotten even more handsome. I couldn't believe it.

Edward took my long pause as a sign of rejection, but he wasn't going to give up so quickly. He stepped toward me in the small hallway and without breaking his smile, his arms wrapped around me, pulling my body against his.

Nervously, I slid my arms around him and squeezed back. "Sorry."

"Don't be," he said quietly, his voice muffled by my hair. "You wanna get out of here or walk the mall?"

I pulled back a little bit, straining my neck to look up at him. I never realized just how much taller he was than me. "Get out of here?"

Grinning eagerly, Edward nodded. "Good answer."

-**O**-

* * *

**Thoughts? Review and I'll send you a teaser.** Also, I'm participating in FGB Autism Awareness - anything you guys would like for me to write? I'm not a techie and I think I'll screw up setting up a poll, so I'm not even going to try... anyway, let me know!

Special thanks to **Jen328 - redpen guru **(put her on author alert b/c she is a fantastic writer - squee!), and my pre-readers,** Teacher1209 **and **Jadsmama**. Also, thanks to **NKubie** for starting a thread over on Twilighted - check it out - I'll be posting teasers there occasionally. And... (I know, it's a long a/n) I can't thank you guys enough for reading, alerting, reviewing, etc... I appreciate the feedback!

FicRecs:

**Sessions **by **Rochelle Allison**

**All the Wild Horses **by **elusivetwilight**

**End Island **by **xlavendermoonx**

See you guys next Thursday! **Thanks so much for reading!**


	6. Firefly

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

**see below for important a/n(slash)mega-apology**

* * *

-**O**-

My hands were so clammy, and I kept rubbing them along the top of my thighs, wishing I could ease my nerves just a little bit. I couldn't believe I was sitting inside Edward Cullen's truck. And not only was I in his truck, but we were alone _–_ and it wasn't like I was just invited along with a group of people. _He _wanted me there with him.

"You're too quiet," Edward said, as he merged onto the highway, headed out of town and into Arkansas.

I couldn't look at him, too afraid that my insane blush would show. We were friends. He was my friend. I couldn't think of him like that even if I wanted to. And I really did want to talk to him, but my mind was completely devoid of what to say. "Sorry."

Edward reached over the console, nudged my shoulder with his long fingertips, and chuckled when I practically jumped out of my skin. "Don't be shy. You aren't shy in emails when you're calling me a creeper... I'm still the same creeper, only now I have you all to myself for the entire day. What shall I do, Isabella?" His fingers drummed against the steering wheel.

_Dear God_... even when he tried to sound creepy, he still sounded sexy. I laughed nervously and finally turned my head to look at him. "I swear I will bore you to death."

"Nah, that can't be possible."

His smile just about killed me, and so did his laugh – that quiet rumble of a laugh. We sat in silence for a while, and I didn't fail to notice that his arm lingered across the console, just an inch away from mine. The whole situation was slightly awkward, but I pushed away those feelings because I was too happy to be with him. I really wished that I could have called Angela when I got home later that night; talking to Alice about stuff just wasn't the same.

Clearing my throat, I looked out f the window and back to Edward as he smiled at the road ahead of us. "So, um... where are we going?"

"I'm trying to surprise you, but I might as well tell you because I know you'll beat it out of me."

"I don't like surprises very much."

"I guessed that much." He said, chuckling as he turned the radio down slightly. "We're gonna go dig for diamonds... and then spend the day at my grandparents' place. They're out of town, so don't worry about old people bothering us. They have a pool... and four wheelers, so I thought that might be fun. Sound good?"

Instant panic. Edward would see me in a swimsuit. "I didn't bring a suit," I blurted out, feeling a little relieved by that fact.

Edward smirked as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. "I forgot my swim trunks at the house, too... so we'll stop by the Wal-Mart in Ashdown. Is that okay, or are you like some girls who refuse to wear Wal-Mart stuff?"

I giggled, listening as his accent thickened just a little bit. "You just thought of everything, huh?"

"Oh, yes... a creeper is always prepared."

"You're never going to let me live that down, are you? I was kidding!"

Edward nodded and laughed. "You're cute when you get all flustered."

"Creep."

"Aw, I'm gonna nickname you _Blusher_."

His teasing, and my attempt at teasing, continued as we made our way into Arkansas. Edward stopped at a gas station and got some snacks for us because neither of us had eaten breakfast. I was too nervous to eat before meeting up with him, and to be quite honest, I was still nervous to eat; especially in his truck. I just about died when he walked out with a variety of drinks – diet coke, chocolate milk and Gatorade – along with white powered donuts, donut sticks and a few other things. Was he trying to get the messiest things possible so I would... _make a mess_?

"I hope you're as hungry as me. It'd be embarrassing to eat all of this by myself." Edward laughed, probably noticing my panicked eyes.

"I'm a little hungry," I lied. I was starving, and would have gladly binged on all that junk food back at home, but not in front of _him_. I wasn't one of those girls who starved herself and ate salads in front of guys; I just didn't want to drop a powered donut on his black seats, or have a piece of chocolate on my face.

And all of that non-essential rambling went on in my head as Edward handed the bag of junk to me. "Good. We'll need the energy – lots of diamonds to dig up, ya know?"

I laughed, trying to calm myself. The Crater of Diamonds in Murfreesboro was something I'd wanted to check out since arriving in Texarkana. Alice had told me about it several years before, and we were going to make plans to go there on a semi-cooler day, but hadn't gotten around to it yet. By semi-cooler, I mean a day when it wasn't one hundred and twelve. Edward didn't mind the heat because he was pretty much used to it, and he said that we'd go cool off in the pool shortly after, so I didn't mind either. I _really _didn't mind because I would likely be seeing Edward shirtless, and that fact alone made my heart race like no other.

"So... you're sure your cousin doesn't mind you spending the day with me?" Edward asked, trying to make conversation.

I shook my head and chewed quickly. He just had to ask me something as soon as I took a bite of my donut. "No, Jasper was going to take off half the day to work on their deck out back. They want to have it finished for the party."

"Cool. Are you guys doing fireworks or just watching everyone else's that night?"

"Jasper has already bought out one of the local stands... I don't know how we'll ever finish shooting off everything he bought."

"Sounds fun – my parents were never really into buying fireworks. We usually just watched the town's show, or my friends would get some. I'm probably going to meet up with them in Longview. They have a pretty good show there."

And God did I wish I could watch fireworks with him. Actually, I wouldn't be watching the fireworks; just him. And I call him the creeper? Ironic.

I wanted to invite him to our party so badly, but that was a big deal to me. Plus, he just told me that he was going to spend the night with his friends; why would he want to drop those plans to spend more time with me when I could barely form a proper sentence around him?

"Angela and I..." I stopped myself, wondering why I was bringing up old memories, but feeling slightly relieved that I could actually talk about her. Edward waited patiently as I paused, trying to find the words. "We, uh... we would sneak away from everyone at her parents' annual party – too many people to enjoy the fireworks show... anyway, we'd lie down on the ground and watch the fireworks. It was so peaceful. I guess I like a more... _quiet _celebration?" _God_, I really sounded like a moron. Why did I even bring that up?

Edward nodded. "I did the same thing when I was younger. At my grandparents' house – they live on this huge piece of land, surrounded by trees, which you'll be seeing soon... anyway, I would ride the four-wheeler along this trail that we made. There's a little clearing and it was so nice just to lie there looking at the stars and fireworks. And I probably sound like a girl now."

I giggled anxiously. "No. That sounds really nice." Regardless of how stupid I would feel after being turned down, I just had to ask. "I know you said you're going to be busy, but, um... if you have time you could come by our party... lots of food and stuff."

He didn't say anything, but smiled crookedly, looking over at me as I fumbled my words.

"I mean, you don't have to, I just didn't want you to think that you weren't invited."

"I'd love to."

"Good. And it's going to run pretty late, so you won't have to miss out on your plans with your friends." There. I said it.

"I'd rather be spending time with my friend, _Blusher_... so my other plans can easily be dropped."

Wow.

This road trip was turning out to be the best ever, even though I was left speechless.

**ooOoo**

We spent the morning digging for diamonds, and I squealed embarrassingly when I thought I found one; only it turned out to be a shiny rock, not a diamond. However, Edward was extremely lucky and found a brown diamond. The park staff didn't think it was large enough to be cut but gave him a list of area diamond cutters to take it to just in case. I bought my mom a few souvenirs from the gift shop, and Edward bought us matching Crater of Diamonds t-shirts, for memories' sake. I didn't need a t-shirt to remember _every _detail about my day spent with him.

After we left the park, he stopped by a small café on our way to his grandparents' house. We took our lunch to go, waiting to eat until we got to the house. I was going to bite a hole in through my lip, thinking about wearing a bikini around him. We'd stopped earlier that day in Ashdown, at the smallest Wal-Mart I had ever seen, to get swimsuits. Edward said it was only fair that I wear a bikini, seeing as he was going shirtless, so I was pretty much forbidden to get the one-piece that I would feel comfortable in. _That meant he was flirting with me, right?_

His grandparents lived in Lockesburg, an extremely small town, on several acres of land. They had horses, tons of dogs, a fox run, and the biggest house I'd ever seen. We ate our lunch in near silence, watching television at the kitchen table, and then took turns showering off the morning's dirt. After our showers, we decided to swim for a while, which meant I had to put my bikini on. Regardless of how stupid I looked, I put on my suit, but I wore my tank top over it to make me feel less exposed.

Edward laughed when I walked into the living room. "How did I know you were going to do that?"

I shrugged and blushed, but pointed at the shirt that he was wearing. "Well, you can't really say anything because–"

But my shaky reply stopped immediately as he pulled the shirt up his body and over his head, throwing it to the floor. Edward was a really gorgeous guy _with his clothes on_, and with them off – there were no words to describe him.

"Your turn," he stated, folding his arms over his chest; that ever-present smirk plastered on his face.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, pulling my tank top off as well. "There."

His eyes broke away from my own as he glanced quickly down my body. "Well, all right then. Let's go get cooled off."

I _definitely _needed to cool off.

**ooOoo**

"Put your arms around me, Bella." I was so afraid that I didn't smell too good, already feeling like I needed another shower because it was so hot there. Lifting my arms and putting them around his torso was utter torture for me.

I complied and suddenly forgot about my worries because my arms were wrapped around the guy I had been crushing on since he moved to my hometown.

"And hold on tight. It's a little bumpy up ahead."

After our swim, Edward insisted on taking a little ride through the woods. He was still shirtless, and I had my arms around him.

"It's getting kind of dark... you're sure we won't get lost?" I asked, feeling a little tense.

I felt Edward's chest rumble as he laughed. "We're on a trail, you big baby. And come on, stop bruising my ego I can protect you."

"Um, you just told me about some mountain man that pops up around this area occasionally... can you really blame me?"

One of his hands dropped from the handlebar onto my knee. _Oh my God. _"I was teasing you, _Bella_. He's several miles away from here, anyway. No need to worry."

Again with the teasing. "So there is one..." As soon as the words left my mouth, we came up on a small campfire; it hadn't been burning that day, of course, because who has a campfire in one-hundred degree weather, but it was definitely recent. "Oh my God!" I screeched.

"Shh... Bella, my cousins were here camping last weekend. No need to worry, I promise," he said, his voice soothing and calming my fears of crazy guys attacking us. "We just have a bit further to go."

I rested my head against his back, tightening my arms around him just a bit. We rode for a few more minutes until we came upon a gazebo – a beautiful gazebo, with flowers surrounding it, in the middle of the woods. Someone definitely came here often.

"My grandma, she loves this spot. My grandpa built the gazebo for her several years ago."

"I love it," I exclaimed as Edward stood and helped me off the four wheeler. He didn't immediately let go of my hand as he led us to the platform to sit down. He looked down at our clasped hands and though I seriously thought I would have a heart attack if he continued holding it, I was disappointed when he dropped mine. He was my friend. _Friend._

As we sat next to each other, staring at the evening sky with the moon shining bright, Edward bumped his leg against mine. "Thanks for spending the day with me, Bella."

"Thanks for inviting me. I really had a lot of fun."

I had never been on a date, and though this wasn't one, it was the best non-date with a guy that I'd ever had.

"You think we might be able to do something again?"

Like he even had to ask. "Sure."

"Good. I was thinking... do you want to go see that new movie coming out – Armageddon? I thought maybe we could go see it Friday night."

"Yeah," I answered a little breathlessly. "I really want to see that one." Honestly, I wanted to see anything that gave me the opportunity to sit next to Edward in a dark movie theater for two hours.

Again, we were silent – comfortable, but quiet. After several minutes of silence, I noticed small lights off in the distance. They were flickering and to be honest, every scary movie I could think of came to mind.

"What is that?" I whispered loudly.

Edward laughed as he stood, pulling me up with him. "Come on, let me show you."

"But what is it, Edward?" I asked again, my voice sounding urgent and way too needy.

"You've never seen fireflies?"

I shook my head, gripping his hand. "No..."

"They're all around this area and east Texas. Pretty cool, huh?" he asked as we stood before a swarm of the flying bugs.

I relaxed and enjoyed the moment. I'd never seen anything so amazing in my life. I had heard of fireflies or lightning bugs before, but I never thought I would actually see them. And add to the fact that I was seeing such a beautiful sight; Edward was holding my hand still. Perfect night.

"Come on, Firefly," Edward whispered next to my ear. "Let's get you home before your cousin has my balls for dinner."

**ooOoo**

Alice met Edward that night when he took me home. He was thirty minutes early, so we sat on the porch talking for awhile, and being the good _Summer Parent_ that she was, Alice felt like it was her responsibility interrupt us. And she absolutely loved him. Jasper liked him too – said he was a really nice and respectable kid. It was laughable to see Alice and Jasper trying to be parental when they weren't really that old themselves. They had only been married for a couple of years and Jasper was still in school part time, going for his master's degree.

**From: Cullen, Edward****  
****To: Swan, Isabella  
Date: June 29****th****, 1998 12:27 AM****  
****Subject: Goodnight**

_I just got home. Just wanted to say thanks for spending the day with me. I had fun with you, Bella. _

_Edward_

_PS – If you can't sleep, IM me. I'll be up for a while_

_._

_**BellaStar1982: Glad you got home okay. Did it rain the entire way?**_

_**ECullen97: Nah, it eased up a bit, but it's starting up again. Lots of thunder and lightning. **_

_**BellaStar1982: Same here. Thanks again for today – I haven't had that much fun in a long time.**_

_**ECullen97: Glad I could be of service :) Now I feel pressure to make the next day even better.**_

_**BellaStar1982: No pressure, E. **_

_**ECullen97: Okay, B. **_

_**BellaStar1982: So what are you doing? I'm trying to talk myself into watching The Shining. It's on TNT. But I'm afraid I'll get even more freaked out because of the storm. **_

_**ECullen97: I was watching ESPN, but now I'm turning it to TNT. Let's watch together. **_

_**BellaStar1982: K... but just know how lucky you are that you're not here for me to bother... clingy doesn't even begin to describe... lol**_

_**ECullen97: Nah, I don't think I would mind a clingy Bella. **_

_**BellaStar1982: Okay, it's not even five minutes into it and I'm already too freaked out. **_

_**ECullen97: Silly Girl... why don't we wait until you come to my house next weekend? **_

_**BellaStar1982: I'm going to your house next weekend?**_

_**ECullen97: Yep, unless you get tired of me.**_

_**BellaStar1982: Not possible.**_

_**.**_

I was slightly disappointed that Edward and I both had plans to do things during the week, which prevented any visits from him. Alice was taking me to Nachitoches, Louisiana – they filmed Steel Magnolias there, and since it was one of our favorite movies, we were really excited to go there. I was lovesick, though, and my crush for Edward increased even more when I thought about the day we spent together. Every time I tried to talk myself out of liking him, or denying the fact that he might like me a little bit, too, Alice was the one to tell me to stop thinking about it. She wanted me to 'live in the moment' and stop worrying so much. So, I took her advice.

.

**From: Cullen, Edward****  
****To: Swan, Isabella  
Date: July 3****rd****, 1998 1:27 PM****  
****Subject: Hey**

_I'll be there around four. Can we go get some dinner before the movie? I am starving for some Catfish King. That okay with you? _

_You know, I was thinking... I don't even have your phone number. Would you like mine? Sometimes... well, most of the time, I'd much rather talk to you than email. Anyway, let me know if you want my number. _

_See you soon,_

_Edward_

.

I laughed. Loudly. Did he really think I was going to _ask _for his number?

"What's got you giggling like a gooney?" Alice asked as she carried bags from our latest shopping adventure into my room.

"Edward told me to ask for his number if I ever wanted it."

"He _does _realize this is the same blushing, shy girl he spent the day with on Monday, right?" Alice laughed, busy picking out suggestions for what I was going to wear that night. Movie night with Edward was what prompted our shopping trip, trying to find something perfect to wear.

I finally settled on jean capris, a tank top with a flag on it (my attempt at being patriotic for the holiday tomorrow) and black flip flops. I wore my hair down, mainly because Edward commented the other day that he liked it like that; _yes, _I was becoming _that _girl.

.

**From: Swan, Isabella****  
****To: Cullen, Edward  
Date: July 3****rd****, 1998 2:44 PM****  
****Subject: Hey**

_Did you have a good day? Finish washing your truck for the millionth time?_

_Alice and I went shopping (shocker, I know) and then she took me to the Ace of Clubs house downtown. It was awesome. She said there's a website listing old houses that you can tour, so I'm going to check that out later... I love that kind of stuff. Boring, right? Oh well. _

_I'm looking forward to the movie tonight. Be safe driving here – the rain is coming down pretty hard now. _

_See ya later,_

_Bella_

.

A Friday night out with Edward was like a dream to me. Looking back, I never thought I would see him again after he graduated. Somehow I felt like maybe Angela was making this happen for me; everyone kept telling me that she was watching over me, so I began to believe that she put Edward in my life. It was a crazy thought, but I just felt like she was... _there_. For the first time since her death, I could actually talk about her and not start crying like a crazy person. I still missed her like crazy, but it wasn't like when I was back home – at home I was miserable and surrounded by people who could just give me sympathetic stares. In Texas, I still had people that cared about me, but they just _left me alone _in regards to Angela.

I enjoyed my night out with Edward. I enjoyed seeing other girls staring him down because he was with me, not them. I enjoyed sitting next to him in the dark theater and having him wrap his arm around me because I didn't have a jacket, and it was pretty cold in there.

"Is this okay?" he whispered as I shivered.

"Yes," I whispered back, staring at the screen in front of us because there was no way I could look over at him. He really had no idea the kind of effect he had on me, or maybe he did, but regardless, I loved it.

I just loved every second when I was around him.

And I really enjoyed my time with him the next night when he came to Alice and Jasper's party. We snuck away from everyone and walked to the park that was just down the street. Edward lay down on the grass and patted the spot next to him.

"Isn't it wet, though? It rained a little bit yesterday," I said, not because I minded lying on the damp ground next to him, but because I didn't want to have an embarrassing wet spot on my behind when we got up.

"Nah, it's good. Come on," he replied, reaching up and tugging on my hand.

We lay in silence – the moon was shining bright above us as fireworks went off all around. I tried to keep my breathing in check, but I was practically panting when I felt his hand wrap around mine.

"Bella... do you like me?" Edward asked, his voice sounding slightly timid, which was a change for him. He usually sounded so confident.

And I panicked. I couldn't answer his question. My answer was yes, of course, but I couldn't admit that to _him. _

"I, uh..." _Speechless. _How was I going to answer that question without lying? Because there was no way I was going to tell him the truth, even though it was probably obvious. I blushed around him constantly, jumbled words together when I talked to him, and I was almost positive he could feel my hands shaking whenever he held them.

Waiting for me to respond, Edward let out a ragged breath. "Wait. Don't answer just yet. I have something I need to say to you first."

-**O**-

* * *

**Thoughts? Let me know. I'll send a teaser for each review.**

**Okay, so first off, I was only able to get to a third of the reviews because my internet has been so horrible these past few days... I just want to apologize to those that didn't get a teaser - I'm very sorry and hope it will never happen again - that's why I'm just posting this chapter a day early, so you all won't be mad at me :). Also, as an apology, I'm writing an EPOV that will cover this chapter and the next one. It will probably not be finished for a week or so, plus it has to be beta'd when I finish it, but as soon as it's done, I will email it to you guys - just send me your email; make sure that you use (at) for the "at" sign and no actual dots b/c this site is not link/emailaddy friendly. Sorry again. **

Thanks to **Jen328 **(make sure you have her on author alert - her o/s just got first place in the Share Your Inspiration Contest - extremely good writing from her), my red-pen teacher - if I was graded on this last chapter, it would have had a big fat 'F' on it. She's a sweetheart about it though. And to my pre-readers, **Teacher1209 **and **Jadsmama **(make sure you have them on author alert as well!).

FicRec:

**For the Summer by camoozle - I've rec'd this many times on Twitter and my other stories, but it's still my all time favorite. This story is so different and romantic and angsty... just perfect. Read it if you haven't already!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Honesty

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

* * *

-**O**-

I stared at Edward, baffled by his question and wondered what he was going to say to me. It had to be something big because he was pulling at his hair roughly, but all I could think about was how I wished it were my hands in his hair, tugging as he kissed me. _I really needed a life._

"That was stupid of me to ask..." Edward began, his voice soft and rough at the same time. He sat up, shifting toward me as his eyes locked with mine. "I just, I can never read you. I don't know if you think of me as this annoying, older brother- type guy... or this person that you'll always think of as a friend and nothing more..."

_Oh. My. God._

"Edward, I–"

"No," he whispered, interrupting me. I sat up, too, feeling closer to him than ever before. "I don't want to be either of those things to you."

I frowned, feeling so confused. I had no idea what he was trying to explain to me. He didn't want to be my friend? Or an 'older brother' type of person?

He smiled sweetly at my confused expression and brushed a fallen strand of hair behind my ear. "You're so oblivious to what I'm trying to say... and I feel like a complete and total moron." Letting out another ragged breath, he continued. "My best friend back home, he calls you jailbait every time I bring up your name, which is fairly often. You do realize that the feelings I have for you could put me in jail, right?"

I shook my head, not allowing myself to believe the words he was saying.

Edward let out a frustrated chuckle. "I asked if you wanted my phone number because I felt like an ass for wanting yours... I want to talk to you, to listen to your voice when we're away from each other. I hate just emailing you, though I do love your random daily emails... I just would like to talk to you at night, too... In case you haven't figured out, I like you, and I thought you would realize that eventually, considering my need to see you or be in contact with you daily.

"And I know I probably fucked up a chance at ever being what you want in a guy, with how awful I was in high school... and I also know that I still have a long way to go until I can earn some trust from you, but I would like to try. I wasn't lying when I said I liked you back in high school, and even though Angela's death was what brought us together, I'm still thankful that you came back into my life. I didn't think I'd ever see you again after I left Colorado, and I felt like such an ass for being hung up on someone so much younger than me... I still do, which makes this whole situation even more fucked up... Anyway, when I talked to Ben, I asked about you and he told me how hard you were taking it, which was understandable... and I just, I wanted to be someone you could turn to.

"So I started emailing you, or nagging actually, hoping you'd respond eventually because I couldn't let another chance to get to know you just slip away again. I wanted to be your friend even though I knew it would be hard to be just a friend to someone like you. I always thought you were beautiful, and then I got to know you... and you're just such a... you're a sweet person – genuine and someone I really like to spend time with. So I know it's crazy, this whole rambling thing I'm doing right now... and I know you're probably not ready for anything with me, but I'm going to spend the rest of the summer and however long it takes to show you that I've changed... I won't pressure you into anything.

"And if this doesn't work out between us, I'll have gained a really good friend out of it all."

I opened and closed my mouth several times, trying to figure out what to say; something that didn't come out as a squeal or squeak. "But why?"

Edward laughed lowly, leaning forward to rest his forehead on my shoulder. My eyes went wide as he stopped his quiet laughter and raised his head, leaving his face just inches from mine. "Bell, seriously, did you listen to anything I just said?"

"No, I mean yes, but... you never –" _You never really acknowledged me high school_, I wanted to say. "–what I mean is, I... well, you never acted like you were interested in me at all."

Grabbing my hand, but keep his eyes locked with mine, he nodded regretfully. "I know you're still thinking about that night... I'm not proud of myself regarding what you saw that night. I have no excuses; I was just being exactly what you and Angela thought of me." His eyes broke away from mine as he looked down at our joined hands. "I'm not that guy anymore."

"I know," I whispered.

"You don't really mean that," he said in a strained tone. "And that's okay because I'm going to spend the rest of our time together this summer to show you that I've changed. And when you go home, I will, too."

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fight the smile that began to spread across my face. "Okay."

As if it wasn't already the best night of my life, he made it even better. Leaning forward, closing the small distance between us, Edward kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose and my chin softly. "If I kissed you on the lips, which is really what I want to do, I don't think I could get enough of you... _plus_, I'm into practicing restraint lately, although you're literally killing me with temptation."

I let out a small laugh as my face burned hotter than ever before. "I'm sorry."

"Don't ever apologize for that, _Bell_."

_Bell_ was new.

"Okay."

Edward pressed his forehead against mine. "One or two word answers from you... kinda scaring me a little." His fingers squeezed mine. "Tell me what you're thinking."

I was sure he could feel the heat emitting from my face. "I really don't know what to say..."

"Okay, can you be honest with me... is this–am _I–_freaking you out too much?"

I shook my head, and turned away slightly, trying to hide my blush – even though it was dark out, the fireworks and moonlight gave my embarrassment away.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward smile widely as he lay back down on the grass. "Come here," he whispered, pulling me back down with him, only this time, his arm was beneath my neck as he held me close to him. My head rested on his bicep as I clasped my hands together, resting them on my stomach.

"I got the feeling that you might not like me so much... I didn't want to just ask for your number, so I offered to give you mine, hoping by asking that it might give me some kind of clue as to how you felt about me. But you kind of ignored that part of the email..." He was so unsure of himself, which was very different for _Edward _to be feeling. "And you're so shy around me most of the time, but then sometimes you open up... I know it's going to take a while for you to feel like you can talk to me, and not just through email."

I _loathed _being shy. There is no worse feeling than wanting to say something, but not having the courage to say it. "I really will try, Edward. I don't like being this way."

"Don't feel that way, just because I'm an insecure asshole that needs to know if you like me... I like everything about you – even the shy part because it makes you so... _perfect._"

I laughed and nudged his side with my elbow. "Not perfect at all."

"Don't argue with me, young lady."

"Yes, sir."

We were silent again, watching the firework display begin to wrap up. I might have freaked out when Edward reached over with his other arm and grabbed my hand. I felt _comfortable _and yet completely unsure at the same time. I had never been in that position before – both physically and emotionally. Those feelings and experiences were new to me, yet with Edward, I felt somewhat at ease.

Edward broke the silence and extended his arm, his finger pointing to the moon. "When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be an astronaut. My parents thought I was insane, but I thought it would be so amazing to go to the moon someday. I was always one of those kids, sneaking out of my room, lugging my telescope to the deck so I could look at the sky."

"That's really... cute," I said with a smile. "What made you give up on being an astronaut?"

He laughed and brought his hand back down to mine again. "The fact that my parents have always wanted me to follow in my dad's footsteps... and it just... it was unrealistic."

"You should do what makes you happy." I hated the idea of him doing something he didn't really want. My parents really had no expectations of me, especially my dad. My mom just didn't want me to settle for something, and I had no plans of doing that. I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, but it was definitely going to be something that got me out of Salida.

"I do want to be a doctor... I just hate the pressure of school right now. It's just going to get harder and harder, and I just hope that I can keep up with it."

I squeezed his hand. "I don't know if it helps... but I'm always here if you need to vent about it."

He nodded and completely changed the subject with his next question. "When's your birthday?"

"August nineteenth... why?"

Edward let out a long breath and cleared his throat. "Because I'm trying to wait until you're at least sixteen before I kiss you. It makes me feel like less of a pervert with you being just three years younger than me."

If my heart raced any faster, I was going to have a heart attack. "Oh... I'll be back in Salida by then, though."

Shrugging his shoulders, he squeezed my hand. "That just gives me more time to prove myself to you... and it keeps me out of jail. Do you have any idea what your dad would do if he knew we were just talking? He would _so _flip out."

"Well... that's why we won't let my dad know." It wasn't like he was interested in anything that had to do with me, so I knew it wouldn't be hard to hide my relationship... friendship... whatever it was with Edward.

"Sounds good to me... but when I come to visit in November, do you think I'll be able to steal you away for a little bit?"

Internally, I squealed. "Definitely."

Edward went onto explain that his dad would be in Salida until his contract was up, which was at the end of the year. And that meant Edward would have a reason to visit home.e said his mom was making plans for their family to go to Colorado for Thanksgiving, rather than Texas like the last year. It would be their last holiday in Colorado. I didn't know how I would sneak away from my family, but somehow I would do it.

After the fireworks had long been finished, Edward and I made our way back to Alice and Jasper's house. He held my hand and talked to me about random things, although I had no idea what he was saying as I was still in shock from his earlier admission.

As we walked up the driveway, our clasped hands did not go unnoticed by Alice, . She smiled widely and winked while she saw a few of her guests off. And Edward saw it all, but he just laughed and still held my hand. Who knew hand-holding was so amazing?

"Hey guys," Jasper greeted us as we joined him in the backyard. "You missed all the fireworks!"

"Nah, we saw them," I replied with a blush – as usual.

**ooOoo**

**.**

**From: Cullen, Edward  
To: Swan, Isabella  
Date: July 5****th****, 1998 1:36 AM  
Subject: Advance Notice**

_I'm home now, and waiting on your call. I'm giving you 5 minutes, Swan. _

_Edward_

**.**

Before Edward left the party that night, I shocked him by asking for his phone number. We were walking out to his truck and I just... I wanted him to feel less _unsure _about my feelings, so I blurted it out without over-thinking the subject any further. We made plans for me to call him in an hour and a half, to give him time to get home and settled in, and during that time, I paced my bedroom several times, gripping the phone in my hand.

The familiar tone sounded from my computer. _You've got mail. _I knew it was from Edward because rarely did anyone email me in the middle of the night. His email made me laugh, but also forced me to call him. We didn't want him to call and accidentally wake up Alice and Jasper, though I was sure Alice would be high-fiving me if she knew it was him calling me. She _loved _Edward.

"That was quick," Edward said, answering on the first ring.

"Well, I was _threatened _– what did you expect?"

He laughed loudly. "I wouldn't call it _threatened_, _Bell_... more like _encouraged_. I'm still shocked that I'm actually talking to you on the phone rather than typing and staring at my computer screen."

"This is much better, I think." _God, _I sounded so stupid.

"Me too, _blusher_."

We talked for a little over an hour, making plans for the next weekend. He wanted to introduce me to his friends and had already asked Alice if I could spend all day Saturday with him. She was more than happy to oblige. I was extremely nervous to meet his friends. That was a deal breaker in most cases – to be liked by the friends. Angela always told me she wouldn't have dated Ben if I didn't like him. I wondered what she would think of Edward now... I mean, before we despised him, but _now_, he was so different. There was still a big part of me that wondered what his intentions were and why I was important to him now, _and_ if he would end up breaking my heart eventually.

For the first time in weeks, I had a really hard time going to sleep that night and not because I was upset – but because I couldn't stop thinking about Edward saying that he wanted to kiss me.

**ooOoo**

"I don't need to talk to you about the birds and the bees, do I, B?" Alice asked before we got inside Jasper's truck. They were going to Linden for a Blues Festival and it just happened to be half way to Marshall, so Edward was picking me up there for our Saturday together.

I scoffed. "No, Al... please don't."

"I feel like I'm... like I should be stricter or something."

"I love you, Al. You're doing a great job, and you can trust me... you can trust Edward. Just because my dad would be an ass and not allow me to see him, doesn't mean you have to be the same way. If I was honest with my mom, she would probably be doing the same thing as you. But if you don't want me to go with him, I will tell him to spend the day with us in Linden." Alice was being extremely understanding, letting me spend as much time with Edward as I wanted and giving me the freedom that my dad would never have given me. She even arranged for the phone company to come out and install a second line, so I could use the phone and internet whenever I wanted. I didn't want her to feel badly for being so lenient with me.

Alice gave me a big kiss on the cheek and laughed. "Love you, too, B... and _no, _I am not going to make you guys spend the day with us old-folk. Just promise you'll call if you need anything." Jasper had a cell phone for emergencies only, but I didn't see myself needing to call them.

"I will."

The ride to Linden seemed to take forever. It probably felt that way due to the fact that I was really excited to see Edward. I had spent the week with Alice, so I hadn't seen him since the party. We talked on the phone every day and would still send each other an email during the day, but it wasn't the same as seeing him. He wasn't just some guy I had a crush on anymore; he was my friend, too.

We planned to meet at the Dairy Queen on the outside of town and when it came into view, I couldn't contain the smile on my face. Edward was leaning against his truck, eating an ice cream. Alice turned around in her seat, teasing me on just how bad I had it for Edward. She knew every detail about our relationship; I could open up to her and knew that she wouldn't be judgmental about our age difference. Jasper was two years older than she was, and although Edward was a little over three years older than me, neither of them thought it was a big difference. I couldn't ask for more understanding people in my life.

As soon as Jasper pulled into the spot next to Edward, I practically jumped out. It wasn't like I was going to run up and hug him because I was still felt too reserved to do something like that, but I did rush over to him, hoping he'd notice how excited I was to see him.

"Hi," I said breathily, tucking my hair behind my ears.

Edward was not modest about his feelings at all. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. "Hi, Bell."

We pulled apart when the door to Jasper's truck closed. Alice and Jasper were going inside to get an ice cream before going to the festival, but stopped to give us their 'rules'.

"Okay, try to have her home by midnight," Jasper said.

"But please, if you're running late, no speeding. I'd rather have her home a little late than you rushing to make it on time," Alice added.

Edward was an extremely careful driver, from what I could tell, or at least he was when I was in his truck. He knew how I felt about car accidents, so he was really safe with me.

"No worries, we'll be there by midnight at the latest," Edward agreed.

"And we'll call if anything's wrong," I promised.

They could trust us.

**ooOoo**

As we drove to Marshall, Edward informed me that his friends were at his house waiting for us to get there. We were driving out to a small pond that was located on his property. He said it was their usual hang out spot. I was so insanely nervous to meet his friends, but he kept assuring me that they would like me.

"Emmett is... well, he loves to joke around with people. I already told him to take it easy on you, so let me know if he's being an ass." He and Emmett grew up together in Marshall, so when Edward's family moved him to Colorado, it was like losing a brother. They shared a dorm room now and were both majoring in medicine. Emmett's long time girlfriend, Rosalie, was also going to school with them, so Edward spent a lot of time around her, too. He said she wasn't too _open _to new people, but she would warm up eventually.

The rest of his friends were guys and girls that he'd grown up with, but judging from our previous conversations, he was closest to Emmett. So I really hoped Emmett liked me.

"You look really nice today, by the way," Edward said, grinning crookedly as he grabbed my hand. I was wearing a new tank top Alice bought me and blue jean shorts; nothing special, but it was nice to hear Edward's compliments.

"You do, too," I replied, feeling my face blushing already. He was wearing a white t-shirt with the University of Texas logo on it and khaki shorts. And today he was wearing a baseball cap – I had never seen him in one, but oh my... Edward _always _looked good, but today he was _gorgeous_.

And he wanted to be mine. That fact alone was baffling to me.

"Did you bring your suit today? Cause I think we're definitely going swimming."

I nodded and brought my hand up to the strap along my shoulder. "No worries."

"Good," Edward said with a big grin. "You'll have fun today, I promise."

It was too late for breakfast, and kind of early for lunch, but Edward wanted to take me to his favorite diner in Marshall, so we stopped there when we arrived. I was still full from the ice cream that he bought for me at Dairy Queen, but I tried the famous burger he loved just to make him happy. Everyone in the diner knew him because apparently, he had an order to go almost every night of the week. The waitress told me I needed to teach him a thing or two about grocery shopping and easy dinners to make. He explained that he'd known her his whole life and she was good friends with his mother, so she sometimes checked in on him when his parents were away.

His hometown was bigger than Salida, but still reminded me of home. There were certain things I missed about home, but mainly just my mother. We talked every day, either in the morning or at night, to catch up or just check in on each other. My aunt, Alice's mom, was there to keep her company and they were doing just as much shopping as Alice and I were, so I felt better about being away, knowing that she was staying busy.

"We need to stop at the store on our way to my house, actually. Do you mind? I need to get a few things for the cookout tonight."

"That's fine with me... maybe I can show you a few things that would be easy to cook, huh?" I asked, laughing quietly.

"Okay, Miss Sass, but just know, I like to cook... I just don't cook _well_."

"Well, someone has to look out for your health. You can't eat steak and cobbler every night, Edward."

"Very funny, Bell. You do remember I'm going to school to be a doctor? I eat a salad _sometimes_," he replied as his hand came over the console and tickled my side.

I was a giggling mess around him.

After we stopped off of at the grocery store, we headed out to his place. Their house was just outside of town and to get to the house, there was a really long driveway you had to follow surrounded by thick clusters of trees. It was beautiful and peaceful. And his house... I don't know if you could really call it a house. It was a mansion. A _four car garage_?

Edward parked in the circle driveway and hopped out to come around to my side. I was still in shock at the enormity of his home as he opened my door.

"I... you actually stay in this huge house by yourself?"

"It's not so bad," Edward said quickly, tugging at his hair. "I know it's huge, but... it's just a house. I'm still me."

"I know, Edward," I replied softly, my eyes drifting to his hand that rested on the top of my thigh. "I would be scared to be in a house that huge by myself." Not to mention, it was out of town, off of the main highway into town and surrounded by trees. What if some maniac roadside killer walked up there? My mind was going crazy with those thoughts as Edward laughed and leaned forward, kissing my forehead. And those thoughts ended instantly.

"Stop worrying, _Bell_," Edward whispered.

Interrupting our moment or whatever it was, a huge, burly guy walked out of the house and headed over to Edward and me with a friendly smile on his face. He literally looked like he could crush me.

Edward helped me out of the truck and stood beside me with his signature crooked smile, as always. "Hey, Em, can you help get carry the bags in?"

"Sure thing, E, but first are you going to introduce me to this pretty little thing?"

I blushed as usual.

"Em, this is Bella... Bella, this is Em," Edward said with his hand resting lightly on the small of my back.

Emmett surprised me by pulling me in for a hug, furthering my theory that Texas residents were the most affectionate people I'd ever met. He released me when Edward slapped his shoulder and told him to unload the truck. Edward pulled me into the house to meet the rest of his friends.

I was introduced to Riley, Andrew, Ethan, Eric, Kaylie, Jessie, Tanya, Rose, Lisa and Amanda, who all looked like they belonged in an Abercrombie catalogue, much like Edward. Edward had explained to me on the way there that he didn't know Tanya that well, but she was around often because Rose was her cousin and dragged her around everywhere she went. To be quite honest, she looked really stuck-up, like Rose.

"E, we're going to the pool. Bella, would you like to come along?" Rose asked as though she was forced to do so.

Knowing I really didn't feel comfortable being alone around people I didn't know, Edward answered for me. "Actually, I want to show her around first... if you don't mind?" he asked, looking down at me.

"Yeah, that's okay with me," I said shyly, feeling comforted by his hand wrapped around mine.

Edward nodded and looked back to the group of girls. "We'll join y'all in a little bit."

He proceeded to show me around the house – the living room, den, kitchen, guest rooms – four in total, the basement, and finally, his bedroom, which was on the third floor. The entire third floor was pretty much his, except for his father's office.

"This is where the magic happens," he commented, pointing to his computer desk, causing me to giggle. His room was decked out in UT memorabilia – a huge Longhorn banner covering one wall and several athletic awards on his shelves. The most important thing I noticed – a picture of us at the diamond mine. It was sitting on his nightstand, leaning up against his alarm clock. I hoped I was able to successfully contain my excitement so Edward wouldn't notice.

"I'll be right back," he said, holding up his swim trunks.

I sat on his bed while he went to change. The adjoining bathroom door was slightly open, and I felt like a complete pervert as I tried to sneak a peek. He would probably do the same if I was changing, but still, I felt guilty.

And when he came out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but his shorts and cocky smile, I felt as though he just knew I was looking. "All yours, _blusher._"

I smiled shyly, passing by him slowly, taking in his scent. _Yep, pervert, sniff away_.

When we joined everyone down at the pool, Edward never left my side. Kaylie was the only girl that talked to me, while the rest talked about Rose and Emmett's upcoming trip to Vegas. Tanya had decided to go along with them and kept trying to talk Edward into going, too, _right in front of me_. I was going crazy with jealousy and hated that I had those feelings. Edward wrapped his arm around my torso, pulling my back to lean against his chest as he politely refused. Jealousy was long forgotten.

After spending most of the afternoon out by the pool, we drove down to the pond, bringing the food with us. Edward and Emmett started a campfire and made us hot dogs and smores. I felt more carefree than ever before. It was nice being there with Edward, having him close by all night, telling me stories of growing up there. He and Emmett successfully scared me when they told of an old lady ghost that hung out on the road where you turn off to Edward's house. They could see that I was terrified and then started trying to make me believe that she was a nice ghost from what they'd heard.

"You're a typical girl, JB," Emmett said, laughing loudly as Edward held me close to his side.

"JB?" Eric asked.

"Jailbait – _E's _jailbait."

"Whoa, how old are you, Bella?" Riley questioned.

"Fifteen... I'll be sixteen in a month."

"Edward! You're just asking for trouble. Are you fucking crazy?" Erin warned as her eyes went wide with shock. The funny thing – I looked just as old as all of them. I didn't see why it would matter to them. Edward and I weren't even dating; he vowed not to do _anything _until I was at least sixteen and even then, I was sure it would just be a simple kiss and nothing more. _If _we made it until then. Judging by his friends' warnings, I was afraid he'd distance himself from me now.

Always surprising me and proving my worries wrong, Edward tightened his grip around my waist. "I appreciate the concern guys, but for now, Bella and I are just friends. I know what I'm doing... so please don't sit here and act like saints. I mean, half of the guys here have been with girls with the same age difference as Bella and I. Eric, how old was that chick... Jayme, I think?"

Eric rolled his eyes and nodded. "Sixteen..."

"Okay, then... why don't you all just shut the hell up about things that aren't really your business."

And that was the end of that conversation.

Before Edward and I left to head back to Texarkana, I stopped off at the bathroom and accidentally overheard Tanya and Rose whispering about Edward. Tanya was upset that he brought me along and Rose assured her that she had no idea what that he was bringing me. Apparently, Tanya was going to, and I quote, "show Edward what he's been missing out on". I felt sick to my stomach, upset because I didn't want to have to compete with someone for Edward... but I would. I wanted him in my life.

"What's bothering you, Bell?" Edward asked as he drove down the dark highway. "You're quieter than usual."

I shook my head and attempted to smile. "I'm just tired."

"Those guys... they're just stupid. I hope you're not worried about what they said."

"I'm not..." I wanted to be honest with him, to not hold anything back, but it was so hard to open up even more. "Were you and Tanya ever –"

"Never, Bella... I've never even been alone with her. She's not exactly someone I want to be with."

"But she... seems a lot like Lauren," I retorted in a lowered voice.

Edward huffed and pulled off of the road and into the parking lot of the Dairy Queen where we met up earlier that day. We sat in silence for a minute or so until he shifted in his seat toward me. "Things like that... that's what I have to prove to you until you can trust me. I know Tanya is exactly what I used to go after, but in case you haven't noticed, I've only been interested in you lately. And that isn't likely to change, Bella. I thought I made myself pretty clear last week..."

"I know... I just, I... I don't want to get you in any kind of trouble either. I feel like spending time with me, it's causing you to take a big risk."

"How? By spending time with my really good friend?"

I nodded and stared at the console between us until Edward lifted my chin with his finger.

"We shouldn't complicate things right now... let's save that for later down the road, when I'm sneaking around Salida to see you because I definitely will be. Okay?"

A genuine smile spread across my face, and Edward kissed my burning cheek. "Sorry."

"Don't be. I'm just glad you're actually opening up to me a little," he said as the corner of his mouth lifted slightly. "Let's get you home, so I don't get on Alice and Jasper's bad side. He wants me to go hunting with him in a couple of weeks... wouldn't go too well if I piss him off," Edward added with a wink.

I decided to stop worrying for the rest of my time in Texas. I only had four weeks left. Four weeks to see Edward as much as I wanted. Going back home, to the place where I saw my best friend die and where I felt I had no friends... it made me sick to think of going there, but I couldn't think about that. I vowed to stay positive and have fun with Edward.

He wasn't Angela, but he was the closest friend I had left.

* * *

**Thoughts? Let me know and I'll send a teaser to you! **

**If you didn't PM me or leave your email in a review, please email me if you want the epov - jengreen03(at)gmail(dot)com ... I'm working on it and hope to have it finished pretty quickly. At this time, I'm not planning on posting it on FF because this part of the story is just Bella's - I just thought since so many of you requested epov that it'd be a thank you for all the support. Later in the story, after the prologue, Epov will alternate with Bella's. So, again, thanks for reading and for your support! I love reading your comments and love your stories. I didn't realize there were so many Texans reading this story! Any of you TX peeps out there TTU fans like me? Please no gag-me-aggies (just kidding!). Had to ask. :) **

**Mega thanks to my red-pen queen, Jen_328 and to my pre-readers - Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. Three sweet girls that I could not do without!**

**Next chapter will be up next Thursday. **

**FicRecs:**

**All the Wild Horses by elusivetwilight**

**Strange Brew by Magnolia822**

**Thanks for reading! ily.**


	8. Goodbyes

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

* * *

**-O-**

"Hey, Edward, can you help me with this?" I asked as I attempted to set up Alice's and my tent. Alice had a bet with Jasper that we could set up the tent on our own, so he was sitting back – relaxing – watching us break our necks. I knew as soon as I looked at the instructions that it just wasn't going to work out for us.

"No, B!" Alice screeched, ripping the instructions out of my hands. "We're strong, independent women. We can do this."

Jasper laughed loudly. "Baby, the sooner you give up, the sooner we can all eat and relax!"

Edward stood nearby, smiling widely at me as I rolled my eyes at my cousin's insistence. "I'd help, Bell, but I'm not sure I want to deal with Ali's wrath... I'll be here for moral support, though."

I stuck my tongue out at him and took the instructions back from Alice. "We might be strong, independent women, but we may also be sleeping outside with nothing covering us if we keep this nonsense up."

Needless to say, we weren't able to put it together. Alice broke one of the rods and although Jasper brought along duct tape, it didn't hold the rod together. We ended up bunking with the guys, which was much better, in my opinion.

"You know what this campsite reminds me of?" Jasper asked as I sat beside Edward by the campfire. Why we had a campfire when it was still eighty degrees at night, I had no idea. The chocolate for the s'mores was already melted to begin with. Regardless of the heat, it was still extremely nice to be close to Edward. I was insanely excited that Jasper and Alice invited Edward when he was over for dinner one night.

"Don't even start, babe. You're going to give me nightmares!" Alice screeched, cuddling up closer to Jasper as he laughed.

Edward smirked, knowing I was already freaked out. "Yeah, and Bell will have them, too... and then we'll be up all night listening to her and Alice freak out."

Jasper ignored us all. "Camp Crystal Lake... you know, from _Friday the 13__th_?"

Alice slapped his arm and shook her head. "Ass."

"Kinda ironic that this is Crystal Springs Lake, huh?" Edward chuckled, earning a small smack from me.

"And we're just a few feet from the lake..." Jasper whispered, trying to sound scared or worried.

I might have scooted a tiny bit closer to Edward, which was better than what Alice was doing, as she was practically in Jasper's lap.

Trying to be nonchalant, I shrugged my shoulders. "Scare all you want, Jay... I'm just glad we'll have you to keep us company all night when we can't sleep."

Edward brought up his own scary stories and proceeded to scare us even more; I think Jasper was a little scared, too. Heck, Edward was scaring himself. When I had to go to the bathroom a while later, Edward seemed jumpy just like me, which took my mind off of being scared because I was laughing so hard at him.

"I'm a man, _Bell_... I don't get scared."

"Uh-huh. Keep telling yourself that..."

Edward grinned playfully just as I started to run away, knowing he was going to chase me. I'd almost made it to the bathrooms when Edward caught up to me and grabbed me by the waist. His arms wrapped around my body, pulling my back against his chest as I giggled nervously, no longer scared of the woods or monsters or crazy ghosts that he'd talked about before.

"Caught you," Edward whispered in my ear, causing my entire body to break out in chills.

"Yeah... and I will pee all over you if you don't let me go." I turned my head back, looking at his face, which was so close to mine, I literally ached for him to kiss me. What did one freaking month's difference make? Fifteen years and eleven months old... Sixteen years. That just wasn't a biggie to me.

Kissing the top of my head, Edward released me and as I opened the door to the bathroom, I turned back, catching a glimpse of his smile that turned everything inside me to mush. "Will you stay out here... promise to wait for me?"

"Yes, you big baby. I'll be here."

In such a short amount of time, Edward had been there for me in ways nobody else could. When I was with him, I forgot about everything. I forgot about going back home, what it would be like when I returned and how I didn't miss anyone in my family, except for my mom. Everything disappeared. I caught myself holding back tears constantly, dreading leaving Texas. It just meant that I was several hours away from Edward and regardless of what he said, I was afraid things would change once I left and he went back to school. I would be in a different time-zone! We were going to be too far apart.

Before leaving the bathroom, I checked the mirror, making sure my hair wasn't too messed up or that I didn't have a stray piece of chocolate from the s'mores on my face. After finding that my face was clean and my hair was in place, I stepped outside where Edward was leaning against the railing, still smirking as usual.

"I need to go, too. Will you be okay waiting out here?" he asked, pointing to the men's restroom, which was right next to the women's.

My eyes widened and I shook my head. "No way! I'm not staying out here."

Laughing loudly, Edward stepped forward and grabbed my arm, pulling me inside the men's restroom. "You'll just have to be a non-perv and keep your eyes closed, then."

I gasped, worried that some other guy might be in there, but apparently, Edward already knew it was empty. And then the embarrassment of my predicament overwhelmed me as my face turned crimson. Yes, crimson.

"Turn around and face the wall, Bell. I can't let you see my junk just yet," Edward said with a casual chuckle. _Casual_? There was nothing _casual_ about it.

Happily complying with his order, I turned around and tried to focus on anything but Edward unzipping his cargo shorts. Lately, my mind had been stuck in the gutter. We'd been swimming almost every day of the week, and every little thing about Edward's half naked body drove me insane. I couldn't stop thinking about him, daydreaming, wishing, imagining, etc.

"Think you might wanna go for a walk after we check in with Alice and Jasper?" Edward asked as he did his business. Yes, he was talking to me while he was holding his... _penis_. _Kill me dead._

Clearing my throat, I replied, "Yeah, as long as you stop with the scary stories."

"I will, I promise. Plus, I can protect you... you do know that, right?"

"Well, yeah, but do you really think you can beat out wicked crazy ghosts or a psychotic killer here for revenge?"

My tone was playful and light, but suddenly, everything changed to serious as Edward surprised me by spinning my body around to face his. "I would always protect you... beat out anything or anyone to keep you safe."

How was I supposed to keep myself from falling for him when he said stuff like that?

**ooOoo**

"Are you nervous about going home?" Edward asked. We were a mile or so away from our campsite as we had been exploring along the path by the water. Beneath a large tree was a fairly big rock where we sat, staring out at how beautifully the moon was reflected on the water. His arm was wrapped around me and that's all that mattered.

I nodded, biting my lip anxiously. "I miss my mom... but school is going to be horrible. I really don't want to go back."

"Do you think your parents would let you stay in Texarkana with Alice and Jasper to finish out your schooling?"

That was out of the question. "No... It was hard enough to convince my dad to let me spend the summer here. There's no way he'd let me stay here for two more years." _But God, how I wanted to._

"I'll miss you," Edward said very quietly, almost too faint for me to hear. "I mean, I know I'll be away at school, but it just sucks knowing that you're going to be so far away from me... I can't just drive a few hours to see you. And I would... drive a few hours to see you on the weekends if I was close. You mean a lot to me."

I leaned my head on his shoulder. "You mean a lot to me, too."

"I've never really had a best friend... friends, yes – like Emmett, but with you... you're my best friend. I feel like I can talk to you about things, and you don't judge. Maybe you do," he said with a slight chuckle. "But you never let it show."

Boldly, at least for me, I placed my hand on the top of his thigh. "I don't." Regardless of the things that happened in the past, it was just that – the past. He had a lot of regrets over things he'd done in high school, one incident that he couldn't put behind him because I witnessed it, but I tried to make him realize that it just didn't matter. He was different now – and now I could actually call him _my _friend.

Changing the subject, Edward brought up my birthday. "I hate that I'm going to miss it. Sixteen is a big deal."

He didn't know _how _big for me. "Yeah... but maybe you can call me? That would be a nice surprise."

Edward tightened his arm around me and laughed. "Do you honestly think you're going to leave here and not hear from me again? I'm hoping you and I can still talk every night."

I didn't see how that would be possible. Edward was afraid of my father finding out that we were talking – mainly because of our age difference. One big problem regarding phone calls – my dad handled all of the bills. He would see incoming calls. "I don't know how we can..."

Frowning as he realized my worries, Edward shook his head. "He'll find out."

"We'll figure something out."

"Yeah, we will..."

I wondered how or _if _we would stay in touch. Things change and people change. Edward was going back for his sophomore year of college. It just wouldn't be _normal _for a nineteen year old, heartbreakingly handsome guy to be hung up on a sixteen year old still in high school.

"Are you anxious to go back to school?" I asked, changing the subject.

Shrugging his shoulders, he let out a long breath. "If by anxious, you mean nervous... then yes."

"Why?" I questioned. "Worried about your classes?"

"That... and I just don't know what to expect when it comes to you."

"What do you mean?" I pulled away slightly, but turned toward him.

"I don't want you to go back home and close yourself off... I, uh... as embarrassing as it sounds, I've had a tough time lately – school stuff – and you've really... I was really unhappy several months ago, and then you started talking to me, _finally_. I guess you could say that _I _need you."

All along I figured it was just me that needed him. Not giving it a second thought, I threw my arms around his neck. "I won't, Edward. I... need you, too."

I don't think he would ever realize just how much.

**ooOoo**

The night before I left, Edward stayed until midnight. I really worried about him driving home so late, but it was so nice to spend more time with him. He attempted to leave around ten, but I walked him out and we ended up sitting in his truck, listening to music and talking some more.

"You should definitely start looking into scholarships to UT."

"I don't know... I don't really like the Longhorns." Edward was hardcore about his Longhorns, so I thought I'd mess with him a bit.

His mouth hung open as if I had slapped him. "I'm a Longhorn. I guess that means you don't like me?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "Yes, I like you."

Smiling cockily, Edward leaned back in his seat. "I got you to say it. Bella Swan likes me."

I giggled and blushed furiously, so very glad that it was dark in his truck. "You think you're so smooth..."

His fingertips brushed along my cheek, feeling my face burn out of control. "I'm going to miss you, _blusher_. A lot."

"I'll miss you, too," I admitted quietly. Edward dropped his hand from my face, down to my hand. I squeezed his fingers gently. "Promise to write?"

"Every day, _Bell_," Edward whispered.

"Me too... I'll probably write to you too much. You'll get tired of my boring emails," I said in a teasing tone, trying to hide my worries.

Moving closer to me, Edward kissed the side of my face. "Never. I would never get tired of your letters or you. I don't really know what I'll do without hearing your voice every day."

It was one of those moments I would never forget. This person that, months ago, I would never have pictured myself sitting alone in a truck with... he meant so much to me; it hurt my heart to think of getting on the plane the next day when I just wanted to be closer to him. I loved Edward as a friend first – other feelings had developed, but I felt a deep love for him as a friend that I couldn't live without. After losing Angela, I vowed that I wouldn't let myself get close to anyone like I did with her because it hurt so badly when I lost her... and there I was – _needing _Edward more than he could imagine.

A while after midnight, Edward finally admitted he'd better head home. There was a light misty rain coming down and even though I hated to see him go, I wanted him home before the heavy rain that was headed our way started to fall.

Edward walked me up to the porch and kissed me on the forehead, promising to call when he got home, and I promised to call in the morning before I left with Alice for Dallas. I stood inside the front door, watching him drive away. He waved, and the tears fell easily for me. I was thankful that Alice and Jasper had gone to bed and weren't there to witness my breakdown. I hadn't cried since Angela died. Every emotion suddenly hit me as I wept on my bed, clutching my phone against my chest as I waited for his call.

"Were you crying, Bell?" Edward asked after I mumbled a small 'hello'.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes for the umpteenth time.

"Don't cry, baby..." he said in a pained voice.

My heart fluttered.

"Thanksgiving will be here before you know it... and I'm going to steal you away as much as I can. You'll be tired of me by the end of the week."

"No, I won't." _Gah_, I sounded so childish.

Edward laughed lowly. "Get some sleep, Bell, so you'll be awake enough tomorrow to call me before you leave."

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Night, beautiful."

I paused, waiting for him to hang up. "Are you going to hang up?"

"I always hang up first. Can you this time?"

I pictured him sitting on his bed, alone in that huge house and tears filled my eyes all over again. "I can't."

We agreed to hang up on the count of three, and after trying that four times, I finally hung up the phone. I looked around my room, making sure that I hadn't missed anything when I packed earlier that day. Alice said she was going to keep my room the same for when I returned. My parents had made plans to go to Texarkana for Christmas, so I would be back soon, which made it easier for me to leave.

Not only did I hate to leave Edward, but Jasper and Alice as well. They were so great to me, and I knew without a doubt that they'd do anything for me. I could always count on them for anything and that was a wonderful feeling to have.

I would never ask my parents, but I wished more than anything that I could have stayed in Texas. Alice and Jasper would've been more than happy to let me live with them. I felt so guilty for feeling that way, but home didn't feel like _home _anymore.

**ooOoo**

"I'm sure he's just exhausted, sweetie," Alice said, trying to calm me as we drove to Dallas.

I tried calling Edward five times before we had to leave for the airport. I didn't want to leave Texas like that – without saying goodbye. I sent him a quick email, telling him I would write to him when I got home later than night, but it wasn't the same.

"I know... I just won't be able to talk to him once I get home. Dad would flip if he knew I was talking to an older guy... or any guy at all." Overprotective didn't even begin to describe him. It was laughable, though, considering I didn't really feel like he _cared _about me. He just liked to inflict his rules on everyone.

Alice placed an envelope on my lap as she took the exit for the airport. I opened it warily and literally gasped when I saw what was inside. A stack of calling cards. One hundred and eighty minutes on each one. And there were ten of them.

"That should get you through until your birthday. And the good thing about those, your dad won't be able to see the number you're calling – he'll just see the calling card number that you dial first. So you can tell him you're calling me at night or something, which wouldn't be a bad thing because I would like to hear from you from time to time."

If Alice wasn't driving, I would have given her the biggest hug ever. "You don't know how much this means to me, Ali."

"Just remember what I said. He's the one, Bell."

Even though that was getting way ahead of us, I didn't argue with her that time.

After we found a parking spot, Alice helped me lug all of my things inside the airport. My heart was racing as I checked in and went through security. So many thoughts ran through my head – I worried about Alice driving back by herself, worried that I hurt her feelings by not spending enough time with her, many things. She saw the worried look on my face and assured me that everything was going to be all right. Though coming to Texas was a dream come true, I never thought about just how hard it would be to leave.

And then there was Edward.

Literally.

He was sitting outside my terminal and grinned as he saw me approaching. When I saw him, I felt so relieved at the realization that he was okay and I would actually get to say goodbye to him.

"I, uh... I thought it was ridiculous for me to wait for your phone call when I could say goodbye to you in person."

I stood just a couple of feet away from him, smiling widely. "I'm glad you came."

Alice excused herself and patted Edward on the arm as she sat down; flipping through a magazine as though she wasn't paying attention to what we were saying.

"I brought you this," Edward said, holding out a small gift bag. "But I want you to wait until you get home to open it, okay?"

"Mkay," I answered, afraid to say anything else as it would reveal my quivering voice.

Before I realized it, I was in his arms and he was telling me that he'd miss me. I hated the fact that Alice and I hadn't gotten there earlier, but we were running late due to my several attempts to contact Edward. He released me just as my boarding call was announced.

I said my goodbyes to Alice, and she squeezed me tighter than ever. I promised to call her when I got home and to stay in touch often. She was more than a cousin – more like the sister I never had.

Edward pulled me back for one last hug and bent his head down, kissing my cheek softly. "Bye, Bell."

With excruciating sadness, I turned away from them and boarded the plane, not looking back because I wasn't strong enough. Even though I didn't have Angela, being in Texas just for the summer, it made me realize that I had other people in my life that would always be there for me. My entire family wanted me to heal and I had – more than I thought possible.

**ooOoo**

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**

I'm total fail this week, replying to reviewers. I was going to send them out last night - had RL drama - thought I would tonight, had more RL drama. So I thought I'd post early in hopes that you all forgive me. I feel like a broken record, promising it won't happen again, so I won't - I'm _hoping _it doesn't happen again. I'll be sending out teasers to reviewers on Saturdays/Sundays from now on - and I'll still be replying to last weeks reviews this weekend. Again, sorry.

**Thanks to Jen328 - redpen Speedracer (super fast beta) and my pre-readers - Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. Much love you to girls. **

Next chapter will post Thursday. Excited for you all to read that one. ;)

And, um... ficrec! **_Conversations Over Coffee _**_by **cosmogirl7481 - **_Conversations over coffee. Sometimes when you meet "the one," falling is easy – as simple as talking. Effortless. You just have to find the words. - omg, it's so good. I'm hooked. It's a must read.

Thanks so much for reading!


	9. Surprise

disclaimer: sm owns twilight.

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**-O-**

My mom came alone to pick me up at the airport, for which I was grateful for. I didn't want to face my dad just yet, feeling extremely guilty regarding my new friendship with Edward. If it came down to it, I knew I could tell my mom the truth, but for the time being, it just seemed better to omit who I spent most of my summer with.

The entire ride home, I tried to focus on my conversation with my mom, but I couldn't because all I wanted to do was open the gift that Edward gave me. It was driving me nuts. I almost opened it during the flight, but was afraid I would look like a sobbing idiot around other passengers, so I waited.

"Alice mentioned to her mom that she and Jasper were going to come up for your birthday. That'll be nice, huh, sweetie?"

The mention of their names caused a lump in my throat. "Yeah, that's really nice of them."

"I know you're going to miss them a lot... and Alice mentioned that she gave you some calling cards so you could call her, so feel free to call her whenever you want."

"Thanks, mom," I said, swallowing painfully. I placed my hand over hers and forced a smile. "It was nice to get away, but I missed you a lot."

Smiling widely, more than I had seen her smile in the last several months, her eyes practically sparkled. "I missed you, too, baby. And I want you to know you can talk to me about anything – anything at all, okay?"

"Mkay," I replied, trying to think about anything else except Edward. I thought about him driving back to Marshall and prayed he got there safely. I hated having no control over situations – knowing that he or anyone I loved could be taken any moment in a freak accident. I just couldn't survive losing somebody else.

Two hours after leaving the airport, the '_Welcome to Salida_' sign came into view. My mom remembered to take a different route to our house to avoid the site where Angela had her accident, and even with her doing that, my stomach dropped as I returned back to _real life. _

My mom insisted that I leave my luggage in the car, and my dad would unload it when he got home. He was at a school meeting as the teachers prepared to return to school. It really sucked that school would be starting in a little over a week – my birthday week. _Blah_.

I had a few minutes alone in my room while my mother started dinner, and as soon as I shut my bedroom door, I pulled the gift bag from my carry-on and took out the tissue paper. Inside, I found a framed picture of Edward and I that he'd developed from our camping trip with Alice and Jasper. The sun was beginning to set behind us, reflecting beautifully off of the water, and Edward had Alice snap a quick photo of us as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I remembered my face hurting that day because I had smiled so much; he made me that way.

Along with the picture was a CD, labeled 'Edward's Favorites for _Bell_', and a small black box. My eyes stung with tears as I opened the box to find a silver ring, with a brown stone setting. It was the brown diamond that he'd found at the Crater of Diamonds. It was uncut, still in its original form, and extremely beautiful. On the inside of the ring, there was a small engraving – _Firefly_.

Why was he so perfect?

Sniffling and wiping the tears from my eyes, I found a folded up letter. I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for his words – his perfect words.

_Bell,_

_I hope you don't think the ring is too much. I never see you wearing any rings and you already have a bracelet and necklace that you wear every time I see you, so I wanted to get you something different. This summer was unforgettable. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in such a long time... and I hope you know it was perfect because of you. I wish we'd 'met' sooner – I have a lot of time and things to make up for, and I really hope you'll let me. _

_You can always talk to me. I will always be here for you. I may be miles away, but we're under the same sky, the same stars, the same moon... and I just hope you know that you can count on me. _

_I've enclosed calling cards – Jasper is a genius – and I want you to call me whenever you want. Also, I'm getting a cell phone sometime this week, so I'll give you that number as soon as I have it – that way, you can call whenever you want. I know you're worried about a lot of things, but everything will work out. I promise. And I hope you'll be ready to see me in November – I'm already looking forward to it and hope these months in between pass by quickly. _

_Please call when you get home – and if you can't, at least email me. I want to make sure you got home safely. _

_Thanks again for everything. _

_Love,_

_Edward_

I knew I wasn't coherent enough to actually talk to him, even though I was aching to, so I turned on my computer and settled on emailing him. As I began typing out my email, he instant messaged me.

_**ECullen97: Hey!**_

_**BellaStar1982: Hi :) I was just emailing you. **_

_**ECullen97: Can you call?**_

_**BellaStar1982: Not yet. I'm going to later tonight, if that's okay? My mom is cooking a big dinner for me... and I'm going to go help her in a few minutes. **_

_**ECullen97: That sounds great. I'm glad you made it home okay. **_

_**BellaStar1982: You too. I was worried about you driving back. **_

_**ECullen97: I was extra careful – don't worry so much, Bell. **_

_**BellaStar1982: I can't help it sometimes. **_

_**ECullen97: Did you like the gift? **_

_**BellaStar1982: I loved it. It was too much though – that was your lucky diamond! ;) **_

_**ECullen97: And it belonged with you. Glad you liked it though.**_

_**BellaStar1982: Thank you – very much. I'll never take it off. **_

_**ECullen97: That's what I like to hear :) If you're tired tonight, I understand if you skip calling. We can always talk another night.**_

_**BellaStar1982: I'll be fine – I'm not really tired at all. Unless you're going to be busy or something...**_

_**ECullen97: You leave and you think that I'm going to be out partying and stuff, huh? **_

_**BellaStar1982: No... I just don't want you to feel tied down by waiting on my phone call.**_

_**ECullen97: Crazy girl. Who was the lunatic that bought all those calling cards for you? Me. And who practically begged you to call him? Me. **_

_**BellaStar1982: You're not the only one who bought calling cards – Alice did, too. She bought them so I could call you and it wouldn't show up on the phone bill who I was calling. **_

_**ECullen97: Jasper told me the same thing – he suggested using them a few days ago when I was talking to him about you. **_

_**BellaStar1982: You were talking about me with Jasper? I don't even want to know that conversation. **_

_**ECullen97: And I wasn't offering up our conversation either ;) Go spend time with your mom. And call me tonight – whenever you can. **_

_**BellaStar1982: Okay. I know this sounds crazy, but I miss you already. **_

I signed off before he could respond. It was sneaky, but I wanted to tell him that, though I wasn't brave enough to see his response. He would probably have said something similar and my heart would have raced even more than it already was, but I was a coward. With Edward, so many emotions were involved, and I didn't quite know how to handle them all.

I slid the ring on my right ring finger and smiled uncontrollably because _Edward Cullen _had given me that ring. A year ago, my life was so different – I still had Angela and I didn't know what life with Edward would be like – and now that I knew, I couldn't imagine him not being in my life.

After an uncomfortable and too quiet dinner with my parents, I retreated to my room, clutching the cordless phone in my hand. My dad didn't like the fact that I was taking the phone with me – did he expect me to be in zombie form once again? Before Angela died, I was always up late, talking to her; why were things different now? Did he like me being depressed and having nothing to look forward to? Part of my anger over the phone situation was due to guilt because I wasn't calling Alice like I said I was. I was calling Edward – the one person in my life who made life that much better.

After punching in a long series of numbers, I waited patiently as the phone rang twice.

"You miss me already, huh?" he asked without even saying 'hello'.

Damn. "Um..." _Still not too great with words._

"Yeah, you thought I would just let that drop after you didn't even give me a chance to respond earlier." He laughed quietly and _god_, I missed him so much. "I miss you, too... I hope you know that."

I cleared my throat, feeling shy, insecure and extremely nervous. Things felt so different between us and it wasn't a bad thing – just new, but it really sucked for him to be so far away. "I do."

"Do you remember that giant Longhorn banner we saw a few weeks ago?" he asked, bringing up something else, easing away from the seriousness.

"Yeah," I said, giggling quietly. We had gone to Dallas for the day and found a banner that would cover an entire wall. He was going to buy it before we left the mall, but we ended up forgetting, only to remember when we got back to Texarkana.

"_Well_, guess what I'm looking at right now?"

Again with the girlish, giggling laughter that embarrassed me. "An ugly burnt orange and white banner?"

"Oh, god... Bella, it's like you're literally stabbing me in the heart and twisting the knife. Ugly? Baby, I think you've lost your mind."

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much again. Burnt orange never looked so good, especially when Edward was wearing it. "Just teasing."

"Good because I've just found the prettiest Longhorn sweatshirt to send to you for your birthday. And I expect you to wear it when I see you on Thanksgiving break."

"Sounds like a threat."

"More like a request from your good friend."

"Ah, I see. Well, okay then. I look forward to wearing it."

"Good."

"Great."

"Stop being shy, _Bell_."

"I'm not," I insisted, feeling my face burn.

Edward chuckled heartily. "Your face is burning, I can just tell. Maybe I need to send you a webcam... I'd like to see your blush right about now."

My heart began to race at the thought of Edward seeing me via webcam, and I don't know why. "I'm techno-challenged, so it probably wouldn't work."

"Uh-huh... or you'd just say that so I wouldn't get to see you?" he questioned, teasing me as always.

"Never," I teased right back.

That was the first night of our late night conversations. I found over the next couple of weeks that talking to him was the only thing that kept me going. I hated feeling dependent on talking to him, and maybe it wasn't so much dependency, but just... he gave me something to look forward to. Even when school started up for me, I still called him and Edward asked me about my day. He was always the friend that I needed even though he was miles away.

**ooOoo**

"Isabella Swan, please report to the office," Mrs. Cope said over the loudspeaker. Several classmates whispered that I was in trouble – the typical high school gossip nonsense.

It was my birthday, our third day back in school, so I knew I wasn't in trouble or anything. I hadn't really spoken to anyone and successfully ignored everyone around me. School was just... something I had to endure for two more years. Two years, and I would be going to UT. I was determined to go there, whether Edward and I remained friends or not. It was different and far away from Salida. Nobody would know me there, and they wouldn't know how I fell apart after Angela died; my breakdown was the main topic among my classmates.

Leaving my things at my desk, I exited the classroom and headed down to the office. Mrs. Cope stood out in the hallway, smiling brightly at me. "You have a delivery!"

My parents had never sent me flowers or anything for my birthday before, so I was a little shocked, but realized almost immediately who it was from. A vase full of orange and white roses, with six balloons of the same colors, and a small teddy bear donning a Longhorn tee. My face was on fire.

There was no card attached, of course, considering we were keeping our friendship/relationship a secret, but I didn't need a card to know who sent it to me. It worked out perfectly that Jasper and Alice went to UT, so I could lie and tell my mom that Alice sent them to me. I wished, more than anything, that I had someone to 'squee' with over Edward's sweet surprise. I wanted to tell my mom that this amazing guy was interested in _me_ and how he was literally sweeping me off of my feet.

As soon as I arrived home later that day, I called Alice first thing to tell her about the flowers, and so she could cover the story I was going to give to my parents. Alice squealed girlishly with me for several minutes over Edward's sweet gift. And then she brought up her present to me. She said my mom would show it to me when she got home, which made waiting for my mother ridiculously long.

When she finally arrived home, she handed over box with a pink cordless phone on the front of it. I didn't think much of it, other than the fact that I wouldn't have to use the living room phone and listen to my dad complain when it was dead from being off of the charger for too long. But Alice did something so amazing for me, I literally jumped up and down.

She arranged for my own phone line. It'd been installed while I was at school. The best part: the phone was in her name. The bill would be sent to her house. Edward could call me whenever he wanted, and we didn't have to worry about my dad seeing who the incoming calls were from. My dad protested because he didn't think a girl my age needed her own phone line, but my mom somehow talked him into being okay with it. I had rules, of course – no calls after eleven and keep up with my grades. They were laughable rules, considering I had no problem keeping up with my grades, but I understood that he needed to have some say in it. However, I broke the eleven o'clock rule on multiple occasions; I just whispered so he didn't hear me.

When Alice and Jasper arrived later that week for my birthday, I hugged her tighter than ever before. She pretty much gave me more of Edward.

**ooOoo**

Just before Labor Day weekend, Ben called me. He said he was going to be home from school and wanted to meet up with me. For the longest time, I held such a strong grudge against him because I felt like he moved on too quickly, but Edward tried to convince me that guys were different with death. During our nightly phone call, I brought up the subject with him. He practically insisted that I meet with Ben, though I wasn't too keen on the idea.

"Maybe you should go... get out and do a little something, ya know?" Edward suggested, his voice warm and soothing, which was exactly what I needed.

"I might..." I replied after being silent for a bit. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

There was a lot of background noise as though Edward was moving things around. "I don't really know... there's a party Emmett wanted to go to. Maybe spend the weekend in San Antonio. And before you say it, yes, I still want us to talk every night."

He knew me too well. "Aren't you just on top of everything – answering questions I had yet to ask."

"I know you better than you know yourself, Isabella."

"Creeper."

"_My blusher."_

I called Ben the next day and told him I would stop by. I felt like a recluse and was tired of everyone saying nasty things about me because of how closed off I was, so it was a small start for me to join in on social things. I was still the same Bella, though – the one who didn't like large groups of people and didn't socialize all that well. Getting ready for the party was nerve-wracking; not to mention the sit down talk I had with my mother, promising I would be safe. She was on high alert after Angela died and hated the idea of me driving, even if Ben's house was just down the road from mine.

I checked myself in the mirror one last time before leaving the house, wishing I could just spend the night in and talk to Edward. To make me feel like a part of Edward was with me – yes, I was crazy over him – I wore my Longhorn t-shirt and Capri pants, with black flip-flops to complete the well-put-together ensemble. Alice always said ensemble; I felt ridiculous for using her phrasing as it made me sound like I actually knew how to put together the perfect outfit.

Walking into Ben's house, I realized almost instantly that it was a mistake going there. So many memories came flooding back to me and for the first time, I didn't care what had happened with Edward there; I missed my best friend so much it made my heart hurt. I didn't even like going to those things when Angela was alive, but I did it because she wanted to. Why did I ever accept Ben's request to come over?

"Bella!" Ben hollered from the far side of the living room. "You made it!"

All of the air left my lungs as I spotted Ben standing next to Edward. _Edward_ was there – so were Emmett and Rose. _And Lauren. _She was standing on the other side of Edward, batting her eyelashes at him suggestively, and I was just so...

Angry.

Shocked.

Surprised.

_Insecure._

_Jealous._

Edward grinned, and his eyes shined as they made contact with mine. Was I seeing things? Not twenty four hours prior, I was talking to Edward about his plans to possibly spend Labor Day weekend in San Antonio, but instead he was at Ben's house?

Like the moron that I was, I waved awkwardly, but turned back to the door and began walking back to my car. I was being irrational, I knew that, but I was so mad that Edward hadn't told me of his plans to come to Salida. Not to mention the fact that I just made a fool of myself in front of Rose and Emmett – Rose already disliked me, so it wasn't like I needed one more thing for her to check off against me.

Moron. Check!

Immature. Check!

Coward. Check, check!

"Bella!" Edward hollered from behind me just as I reached for the door handle. "Wait up!"

I shook my head and fumbled getting my stupid key inside the lock.

"Why are you leaving?" he asked breathily, running up behind me. "I wanted to surprise you, Bella. I thought you'd be happy that we didn't have to wait until Thanksgiving..."

I wasn't thinking logically, though. Turning around to face him, I glared. "Wait until Thanksgiving for what? So you could kiss me and get it over with? Get me out of your system? See that I'm not really a temptation after all?"

My words were hurtful, but all I kept seeing was him standing near Lauren, and everything that I tried to push away came flooding back. Jealousy was a horrible feeling to have, and I had lots of it. I could have lost him because of it.

I felt beyond stupid.

His face changed from shocked, to hurt, to angry in a matter of seconds. "Are you being serious right now? I mean, do you even hear what you're saying, _Bell_? Because I sure as hell don't know what's going through your damn mind."

I opened my mouth to respond, but Edward kept going. "I spend every waking minute trying to figure out ways to act, so that you don't push me away. I talk to you every night – I email you every day. I want more with you, even if it means I have to hide my feelings for you until you're at an age where I wouldn't be sent to jail if someone found out... and I'm willing to do anything it takes, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't get through to you.

"You want me to say it again – that I regret being an asshole in the past? That I'm ashamed? I've said it many times, but regardless, you still don't believe me." He took a deep breath and tugged at his hair roughly. "I set this whole thing up with Ben – told him to insist on you coming here, and I didn't know Lauren was in town... I didn't know Ben was going to invite everyone over. She came up to me to ask how school was going, and yes, she asked if I was seeing anyone – and you know what I told her? I said 'yes'.

"I said 'yes' because I consider you more than just a friend. I can't even look at other girls – I don't _want _to look at them because I just want you."

I was speechless and just... utterly shocked by his words.

Edward stepped forward, placing his hands against the car on either side of my head. "I am trying so hard, _Bell_... so fucking hard. It was hard to stay away from you all summer... and when Emmett and I were trying to figure out where we were going to spend Labor Day weekend, this was the first place that came to mind. I _had _to see you. And if you think I just came here so I could make out with you? You clearly haven't been paying attention to anything I've said in the last few months."

"I'm sorry... I–"

"Don't apologize. I didn't come here with any expectations. I just wanted to see you. When I said that I thought you'd be happy that we didn't have to wait until Thanksgiving, I meant that we didn't have to wait to see each other. I didn't mean anything else by it," he said, his words coming out quickly as he rambled.

I placed my hand on his chest and shook my head. "I _am_ going to apologize... you didn't deserve my attitude. I just... I walked in and saw Lauren standing by you, and I was completely shocked that you were even there."

Edward tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and stepped even closer to me, with his feet planted on either side of mine. "I know... and looking back, I should have just told you and ditched my 'Surprise Bella' plans altogether. I just wanted to do something special and I've thoroughly fucked it up. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing." His close proximity was too much, but at the same time I wanted more. Slowly, I raised my shaking hand to his face, brushing against his skin softly. Edward closed his eyes and leaned into my hand. "I really am sorry. You were doing something nice for me, when you could have spent Labor Day weekend at the lake or something... but instead you came here, where there is nothing to do. I... was jealous," I admitted, my voice lowering with each word. "I have been all along. Pretty stupid, huh?"

"I go crazy if you mention another guy's name in an email or when we're on the phone. Pretty stupid, huh?" Edward questioned. And I knew what he was doing – bringing up his feelings of insecurity to make me feel better about my own.

"We make quite the pair," I whispered, unable to look away from his eyes. My hand dropped from his face and I awkwardly moved it back to my side, feeling unsure as to what was about to happen.

Edward smiled as he looked down at me, making my heart feel like it was going to beat out of control. "Can I take you somewhere? I don't really feel like standing in Ben's driveway much longer."

I nodded nervously. "Sounds great... but where are we going?"

"Anywhere but here," he replied, grabbing my arm and pulling me down the sidewalk. I must have been completely blind on my way to Ben's house because I had no idea how I didn't see Edward's truck parked a little ways down the road. As if he was able to read my mind, the teasing began. "_Gah_, Bell... I would have thought you'd notice my truck. We spent most of the summer driving in it, did we not?"

I laughed and elbowed his arm. His hand brushed mine and enclosed it in his. It was dark, and I didn't worry about anyone seeing… and neither did Edward. And it was the best feeling in the world.

As we reached the passenger side of his truck, Edward opened the door for me, but tugged on my hand before I climbed in. "I missed you... _so damn much_," he whispered before wrapping his arms around me.

Allowing myself to relax against his body, I wrapped my arms around his neck, resting my head against his chest. "I missed you, too." And, oh my god, I missed him – his scent, his strong arms, the way his heart beat, the sound of him breathing; slightly stalkerish, but it just didn't matter anymore.

We eventually pulled away from each other, smiling like fools. Edward drove us out of town, just a few miles out of Salida, before turning down a dirt road. Every now and then I would catch him glancing over at me, still smiling.

My heart fluttered.

And just like so many other times, his hand grasped mine, only this time it was so much different. I was nervous and excited, scared and fearless, all at the same time. I _wanted_ him to kiss me. I wanted to know how his lips felt against my own.

My body tingled with anticipation.

"What are you thinking about so hard over there?" Edward asked, squeezing my hand gently as the truck rolled to a stop. I had no idea where we were, but it was beautiful. No city lights – just the stars and moon.

I shook my head bashfully. "Nothing."

Edward chuckled and got out of the truck, quickly walking around to my side. "Come on, Bell," he said, ushering me out of the truck.

Letting go of my hand briefly, he pulled down the tailgate and patted it for me to sit there. I attempted to jump up there, but his truck was lifted off of the ground, making it a not-so-easy task.

And then his hands were on my sides, easily lifting me up, bringing me eye level with him once I was seated. He didn't move, standing directly in front of me as his hands slowly moved down my sides, resting on my hips.

"Now... tell me what you were thinking about?" he whispered, his mouth _inches _away from mine.

There was no escaping his inquiring gaze. "I'm just... wondering what you're thinking about... and if you're mad at me but not saying anything."

I gasped as his arms wrapped around my body, pulling me to the edge of my seat, causing my body to press against his. I could feel his breath on my face. "Of course I'm not mad at you. And well... I'm just hoping I didn't fuck up everything between us."

"You didn't," I said, my voice so low I could barely hear myself speak.

"Bella," he said my name so sweetly, I felt like my heart was in my throat. "I hope it's okay with you, but I'm going to kiss you now."

Before I could respond, I wasn't even thinking of rejecting him, Edward moved his hands to my face and pressed his lips against mine. _His lips _were amazing, better than I ever imagined. My hands rested awkwardly in my lap even though I wanted to grab the front of his shirt in my hands and hold him close.

He was relaxed and taking his time, gently moving his lips against mine. I, however, was rigid and felt so inexperienced to be kissing someone like _Edward Cullen_. Before the kiss, he was simply my friend, but now, he was the guy I had been crushing on since forever ago.

I didn't want him to think I was a horrible kisser and never want to attempt it again, so I gave myself a mental pep talk and kissed him back, earning a low groan from Edward. _My god, he sounded sexy. _One hand still cupped my face while he wrapped his other arm around my waist, crushing my body against his.

When I felt his tongue press against my lips, I literally melted. Our kiss became even more heated and the most embarrassing sounds escaped me as I ran my hands through his hair. Pulling his mouth from mine, only to kiss the spot beneath my ear, he whispered things that made my body feel sensations I'd never experienced.

"You drive me crazy, Bell... all the time, baby," he whispered roughly.

I was unable to speak, fearing I would sound so completely stupid if I told him the same thing. A long sigh came from me as he dragged his mouth down my neck and up to my jaw. In my sixteen years of life, I'm embarrassed to admit, I never understood the appeal of sex. But at that moment... I saw things differently.

Edward kissed my lips two... three... four more times, slowing things down between us. "You don't know how long I wanted to do that."

My smile would not stop growing. "Me too."

Running his thumb along my burning cheek, he kissed me softly again. "I don't want any other guy kissing you."

Feeling slightly bold, I leaned forward and kissed him softly as well. "I don't want any other girl kissing you."

"You _never _have to worry about that, Bell."

My heart pounded. "You don't have to worry either."

I was his.

**-O-**

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**Thoughts? Let me know! If you have any questions, just ask and I'll respond. **

**Teasers will be posted on The Fictionators 'Teaser Monday', the thread for UtSM on Twilighted, and my blog, greeneyedgirl17(dot)blogspot(dot)com ... I'm sorry, but I will not be able to send them out via review replies anymore. My RL drama has just increased to the max and I am struggling just to keep up with weekly postings, plus I'm finishing the EPOV for this, my o/s for FGB Autism and my other new story _Life Flies By_. I know a lot of authors respond to each review with a teaser, but at this time I just have too much going on in my life. And a lot of you are probably eye-rolling... I understand and I'm sorry. I appreciate every review and though I love getting them, they are not required. **

**Chapter 10 will post next Thursday. **

**Thanks to my redpen _Magician_, Jen328 (she snaps her pretty little fingers and BOOM! My chapters are readable!), and my pre-readers: Teacher1209 and Jadsmama for their advice, feedback and most of all, their friendship.**

**A few things:**

**- some of you brought to my attention that Edward and Alice couldn't have gone past security at the airport - but please remember, this is 1998, pre-9/11 security standards - much laid back.**

**- Edward keeps saying that Marshall is his hometown - he considers that to be his hometown since he grew up there and only lived in Salida when his grandmother was ill. **

**- Bella is 16 now, and Edward is 19. In the prologue, Bella is 28 and Edward 31.**

*** I'm sure I missed some questions, so if I did, let me know and I'll reply back to you! **

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**- Fic Rec - **

**What Happens Now by wandb - **very good fic and quick updates. Here's the summary: Two best friends. One big city. What happens when they unlock a passion they never knew existed? Can they survive going back to reality or will their desires change their destiny? BxE All human. Rated M for language and lemons. **And lemons, omg. You will love this fic. And while you're at it, read all of her fics if you haven't - one of my favorite authors. **

**For those that asked, Bella is 16 right now and Edward is 19. In the prologue, Bella is 28 and Edward is 31. **

**Thanks so much for reading!**


	10. Sneaky

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

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**-O-**

_**Labor Day 1998**_

The kiss Edward gave me Friday night was nothing like I ever imagined. He was sweet and gentle and sexy... the list goes on and on. And I was so _nervous_ to be so close to him, wondering constantly what he was thinking. Even before the kiss, I felt as though I couldn't exist in a world without Edward, and after… well that kiss just solidified the feeling. I hated to be an overly-dramatic teenager, remembering how I made fun of girls who had the same mindset as me, but I couldn't stop myself.

He kissed me softly before I drove away; heading back home and making it just in time for my curfew. My parents were watching a movie in the living room and seemed relieved that I wasn't late, although my dad _had _to comment about how close I was to missing my deadline. He was never satisfied. _Ever_.

On Saturday, my parents had plans for us to go to Red River and spend the night there; I faked a wretched bout with stomach flu and got to stay home. I was so worried that they would end up cancelling their plans altogether, but being the "family man" that my dad was, he didn't want to drop his plans to see his brothers and other family members. That, and he had paid in full for our cabin – no refund. In addition to my parents leaving, my brothers had already left town for a camping trip with their friends, so everything worked out perfectly.

I promised to answer the phone and stay at home while they were gone. Those conditions were no problem for me because Edward would be there with me. He was _thrilled _when I told him that we would get to spend the day together. Emmett and Rose were going to spend the day in Denver, and I was relieved to hear that bit of news. Rose still didn't like me; I knew this from her glare the night before. She'd made her dislike for me pretty obvious, but unlike my usual cowardly-self, I didn't let her stop me from wanting to be with Edward.

Thirty minutes after my parents left, I called Edward to let him know the coast was clear. He still didn't feel safe having his truck parked in my driveway, so he was going to have Ben drop him off. And he wasn't a minute late; I think he was probably waiting just down the road because he was on my doorstep not five minutes later, not giving me enough time check myself over in the mirror for the hundredth time.

I swooned... literally _swooned_, when I opened the door to find Edward holding a bouquet of daisies. "If I can't take you out on a real date, I might as well make the most of it, right?" he asked, chuckling quietly as I forgot about my usual shyness and lunged forward to hug him.

His strong arms wrapped around my body, lifting me off the floor slightly as he pressed his lips against the side of my face. "You're so beautiful, Bella."

He made me feel that way. "Thank you. You are, too." I blushed and rested my forehead against his shoulder. "Handsome, I mean." Sometimes I said the stupidest things around Edward.

"Thanks, Bell... but let's get inside before your dad's cop buddy next door spots us standing out here."

That was going to be the ever-present problem in our _relationship_. After researching many nights, _just in case_ we ended up dating or whatever, I found that the legal age of consent in Colorado and Texas was seventeen. _However,_ Edward wouldn't be convicted of any crime since he was less than four years older than me. But I knew if my dad found out, he'd come up with his own laws or something.

"So... ready to start our all day date?" Edward asked, clasping his hands together as I shut the front door.

"Absolutely," I replied, smiling nervously.

**ooOoo**

After watching various movies in my bedroom and having the 'Edward Cullen Lunch Special', which consisted of a grilled cheese and chips, I went to the diner to pick up our dinner. It was just too risky for us to go together and even though Edward felt horrible about our situation, I kept reassuring him that it was fine.

While I was gone, Edward set up our next movie.

"I am never going to sleep after seeing this movie."

I made Edward watch _Clueless _and as my punishment for making him "suffer" through that movie, I had to watch _Children of the Corn_.

"Hey, at least we're not surrounded by cornfields. That should make you feel better."

"Surprisingly, it doesn't."

"Aw, you poor baby..." he cooed, pulling me closer to his side. "I've you got. And I wouldn't let some psycho, brainwashed kids hurt you."

When he said sweet things like that I never knew what to say. Instead, I stayed silent, snuggling up against him until I remembered I was supposed to be making our late-night snack. That task gave me a moment to myself, trying to calm down from the Edward-high I was on.

As I assembled our S'mores to heat in the microwave, Edward joined me in the kitchen. The S'mores reminded me of our camping trip with Alice and Jasper, when I wished so much that he would kiss me. Though it was just a couple of months later, I was finally getting my wish.

Placing his hands on my hips, Edward stood behind me. "I haven't really had a proper kiss from you today, Bell..." My heart fluttered with anticipation. All day he'd given me little pecks, but nothing more. I was beginning to think I really sucked at kissing. I turned around slowly, and his hands moved to the counter on either side of me. "Mind if I kiss my girlfriend now?"

"I'm your girlfriend?" I asked dumbly.

"Do you really have to ask that question, baby?"

I nodded, biting my lip apprehensively.

"Yes." Edward sighed, tucking my hair behind my ears. "You are. And I'm your boyfriend, who will be pining for you while I'm away for school. We'll have this extraordinary long-distance relationship, and it will work out because I'm drawn to you – meant to be with you always."

"Well..."

"You do want that, right? A relationship with me? Because I'm willing to beg, Bella."

With a big smile and an open heart, I nodded. "Yes. I definitely want to be in a relationship with you."

And I got our first _real _kiss of the day. It was perfect.

Regardless of the distance between us, we were together and somehow it would work out. Like Edward said, we were meant to be together. I was drawn to him and he was drawn to me. It would be tough, but we would make it.

**ooOoo**

_**Thanksgiving 1998**_

**From: Cullen, Edward  
To: Swan, Isabella  
Date: November 20, 1998 7:29 AM  
Subject: Hope you're ready...**

_Hi, baby. _

_My truck is all packed and I just have this stupid test to take. I got up early this morning and studied, and I did after we got off the phone last night, too. I think it'll be a piece of cake. Anyway, I'll be leaving around 10... and like I promised you last night, I will pull over if I get too tired. But I don't think that will be a problem, because you see, I will be anxious to see my girlfriend and that constant reminder alone will keep me wide awake. _

_I can't wait to see you. _

_Hope you have a good day at school. _

_Love, _

_Edward_

_PS. Be prepared... I've missed you so much, Bella._

.

How does one read something like that and not feel as though her heart is going to beat out of her chest?

Edward always said the sweetest things to me, leaving me speechless and smiling like a fool. Every night I would listen to him tell me about his day, but he always remembered to throw in some sweet, cheesy line, and I began to wonder what I _did _before him. Teenage dramatics or not, he made me forget about everything going on in my life.

We had yet to say the big 'I Love You', but I fully expected one of us to slip up sometime soon, and I hoped that it wouldn't be over the phone. I always thought falling in love was something that took a great amount of time, but for me- not so much. He was _it _for me, and I think he knew it.

"Bells, are you ready?" my dad hollered, as I heard him stomp down the hallway. I was riding with him because it was pretty icy out and he didn't feel comfortable with me driving to school on my own. The school was two miles from my house. _Go figure_.

And I hated when he called me 'Bells'. I loved when Edward called me 'Bell'.

Grabbing my jacket, I headed out of my room. "Coming!"

My dad seemed to be even more irritated with me lately and I didn't know why, other than the fact that he was suspicious that I was talking to someone late at night. I had to whisper to Edward on the phone many nights or have the covers over me so my dad didn't hear me talking. My dad stayed up late every night, which annoyed me to no end. My parents' bedroom was at the opposite end of the house, and one would think that I had a lot of privacy, but for some reason, my dad always had an excuse to walk by my room. I knew one day I would probably be doing the same thing if I had a teenage daughter, but at that time, I was beyond frustrated.

"No backpack today?"

I shook my head and walked past him wordlessly.

The day seemed to crawl by. I checked my watch a million times, wondering where Edward was and looking forward to calling him when I got home. I hoped he'd be in a good area where he had a strong signal and I could hear his voice for a few minutes. Cell phones were the greatest invention known to man, but I knew it would be a while until my parents ever got me one. My dad didn't exactly believe in "luxuries" like that.

Unfortunately, I kept getting his voicemail when I tried calling him once I got home. He had left a message on my answering machine earlier that day, letting me know that he was going to call when he got to his parents' house. We had plans for him to sneak into my house later that night. It wasn't like we were going to get to see each other whenever wanted because my dad was always in the way, so we found other ways around the situation. Edward was going to visit with his parents when he arrived and I was PMS-ing, so my excuse to go to bed early that night was totally believable; my mom and dad didn't suspect a thing.

**ooOoo**

Around two in the morning, I heard a light tap on my window and smiled out of relief and excitement as Edward's face came into view. Opening the window and helping him climb inside, I couldn't keep myself from hugging him almost immediately.

"I was so worried about you!" I whispered with a small gasp of relief. His arms wrapped around me tightly, making me feel whole again.

Kissing my temple, he moved us to sit on my bed, placing me on his lap. "And I'm fine. No reason to worry your pretty little head."

I buried my face in the crook of his neck. "I missed you." It was amazing how much closer we were since getting to know each other even more via email. Before Labor Day weekend, we were just close friends corresponding, but after that, things started to get intense; a good kind of intense that I liked. A lot.

"Too long, Bell... I hate being apart from you."

"Are you sure you can do this?" I asked, struggling to find the right words and judging by Edward's confused expression, he had no idea what I was talking about. "The long-distance thing... you're surrounded by all those girls at school... and I'm so many hours away. Don't you ever get tired of it?"

Edward leaned in, kissing my forehead. "Never... I mean, I get tired of being away from you and wish I could just drive down the road to see you, but I never get tired of _us. _I hope you don't feel that way."

"I don't. And I'm just being... stupid and immature... worrying over every little thing. I'm sorry."

His fingertip ran along the side of my face. "You're not stupid and immature, baby... this long-distance crap is tough, but we'll work out just fine. As long as you are willing to trust me, and I trust you... everything will be all right."

And just like that, Edward eased _some _of my worries.

Lying down on our sides, we faced each other, talking about anything and everything as Edward ran his fingers through my hair. It was amazing how comfortable I felt around him even though we hadn't been officially "together" that long. He was my closest friend, though, and my boyfriend. Edward was _my boyfriend_. I still couldn't believe I could say those words and not be lying to myself or daydreaming again.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward said, grinning with his familiar smirk.

I shrugged my shoulder and moved a little closer to him, resting my head on his arm. "Just glad you're here."

"Me too, Bella... you have no idea." Leaning forward, he kissed me gently, and when his tongue entered my mouth, I was overjoyed that he was finally letting loose a little bit. Being in my bed, with my parents down the hall, made him extremely nervous, like me, which had resulted in Edward holding back..

I wrapped my arm around him, trying to lessen the gap between us, and it worked because before I knew it, Edward was slowly easing me onto my back. _God_, he was sexy.

His lips were planted against my neck, moving slowly–_so _slowly–as my hands clutched his back. "I don't think I can keep my hands off of you, Bella," Edward whispered, nibbling on my earlobe.

I was sure I was going to die of pleasure. "Then don't."

"I can't, baby," he said, his voice rough with need. "Not yet..."

"Touch me, Edward... _please_," I whispered, feeling my face burn with my request. I didn't want to have sex with him yet because we weren't exactly ready for that step, but I did want to take our relationship to the next level.

Edward lifted his head, looking down at me worriedly. "You're sure about this?" I nodded frantically. "And you're sure your door is locked?"

Nodding again, I lifted my head to press my lips against his. "Yes."

Any boldness that had appeared before disappeared as soon as I felt his hand move from my side to my breast. The shy girl who'd never felt anyone touch her there before came out in full effect. I gasped, but in a good way, reveling in the feeling of his hand on me.

"Okay, baby?" Edward asked, kissing the spot just behind my ear.

I nodded as my hands fumbled with his shirt. I wanted him to pull it off, but there was no way I could ask him to do that. The last time I'd seen him without one was when we had gone swimming on our camping trip with Alice and Jasper. And now he was my boyfriend; it was normal for me to want to see him naked. _Right? God, I felt so incompetent and stupid._

I was thankful and excitedwhen Edward leaned up and pulled his shirt off without me even asking. He probably knew that I was too scared, _too shy, _to ask.

"Your turn," he said with a smirk.

I didn't have a bra on. _I didn't have a BRA on. _

He saw the conflict on my face but probably didn't know what the real problem was. "Baby, if you're not ready–"

"I am," I interrupted quickly. "But, uh... I don't have anything on underneath." My face was on fire. _Inferno level. _

Smiling sweetly, but cockily, Edward leaned down and kissed me slowly. "If it makes you feel better, I was going to ask if I could take it off of you anyway... we're just skipping a step, baby."

I laughed nervously and ran my hands along his toned back. "Ass."

"I'm sorry, did you say I could see your ass? Because I would definitely love to see that," he murmured, slowly raising my shirt. Edward always had a funny comeback - or just anything to alleviate my nerves a bit.

With my heart racing wildly, I sat up and started to pull my shirt over my head, but Edward stopped me.

"You're sure, Bella? I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything with me. I'll be happy to just lay in bed with you." His face was so sincere and sweet, I swear my heart clenched.

"I'm positive."

Edward was straddling my legs, and it did not escape my notice that he was hard. I couldn't feel _it_, but I saw it pressing against his shorts. I always wondered what he looked like _there_, and felt ... slightly perverted? I'd never really cared about that sort of thing before, but with Edward everything was different.

"Allow me," he said, his voice low and husky. Ever so slowly, Edward pulled my shirt up and over my head, making me feel so exposed, yet comfortable beneath his gaze. He made me feel sexy and brazen. "You are fucking gorgeous, Bell. So damn beautiful."

His body covered mine as he pushed me onto my back.

Our hands roamed _everywhere _and before I knew it, my shorts were off and so were Edward's. When his fingers toyed with the edge of my panties, I thought I was going to faint. For the first time in my life, I was being touched _there,_ and it wasn't me experimenting to see what the big deal was about orgasms. Every time I tried to touch myself in the past, I never really understood or found the right way to touch myself to come undone like one of my Cosmo magazines said. But with Edward... _oh my god. _He touched me in ways that I never thought possible, making my body tingle with the sensations he made me feel.

Pulling away from me for just a moment, Edward placed my hand on his... _it_... and I had never seen or felt one of _those _before, but he was huge. I wondered how I would ever fit that inside me but desperately hoped that I would find out someday.

"Just move your hand up and down, baby," he said, moving our hands together. "Like this. Feels fucking perfect... your hand is... _fuck_." His hand returned to my center, his fingers passing over the most sensitive spot I'd ever felt, which made me feel like I was going to scream.

Facing each other on our sides allowed me to see his face – his expressive eyes – watching me intently. Seeing him like that, it was too much. I felt things I had never experienced before.

We were in perfect rhythm and although my arm was getting slightly tired, there was _no way_ I could even think of stopping. Very quiet groans and grunts of pleasure coming from Edward made me pant. Literally.

"Come, baby," Edward whispered and his voice alone made me fall apart. He covered my mouth with his, keeping my cries of absolute bliss silent. It was easy to forget that my parents were right down the hall, and I was thankful that at least one of us was thinking.

What seemed like seconds later, Edward's body trembled and he moved his mouth to my neck, kissing softly as he came on my thigh. I didn't know if I should keep moving my hand or not. That was the hard part when it came to having no experience whatsoever; I didn't know how to make him feel good.

I slowed my movements as Edward's breaths came quickly, right next to my ear. "That was so good, Bell... you have no idea."

I smiled widely, feeling successful that I was able to make him feel good. It was kind of a daunting task for me, knowing he'd been pleasured by other girls and not just with hand jobs. I wanted to be good for him and in that moment, I felt on top of the world.

Kissing me softly, Edward stood from the bed and quietly walked into my adjoining bathroom. He returned shortly with a damp wash cloth and wiped my thigh. "Sorry," he said bashfully.

And that made me laugh quietly. Seeing him shy and slightly vulnerable; it was cute. "Don't be sorry."

"You're laughing," he stated, whispering loudly as he smirked at me in the darkness.

"You're cute when you're nervous."

"Only when I'm nervous? Otherwise I'm just a weird, old creeper guy?"

I sat up, slipping my tank top back on and tugged on his hand to join me back in bed. He complied, easing himself down slowly so my noisy bed wasn't so... _noisy. _

"You're pretty cute all the time."

"You're gorgeous all the time."

I blushed, burying my head in the crook of his neck.

Edward pulled back slightly, brushing the hair out of my face and kissed the tip of my nose. He pointed to the moon which glowed beautifully outside my window. "When I start to get upset that I don't have you in my bed with me or anywhere near me, for that matter, I look to the moon and know you're under the same one as me... so we're never too far apart."

Romantic, cheesy, whatever you want to call it... he certainly knew how to make my heart beat out of control like no other. "I hate being apart from you."

"I know, _Bell_... me too."

"Love you," I whispered, unable to stop the words that I'd held back for so long.

A second later, Edward kissed my forehead. "Love you, too, baby."

Not overly extravagant. Simple. We were in love.

**ooOoo**

"So... Charlie," Alice began as she fiddled with her napkin. "I was wondering if Bella could fly down a little earlier than you guys for Christmas... I wanted to take her around to see some of the sights and stuff."

My mom smiled reassuringly at me, and I knew that she would persuade my dad to agree. "Yeah, Charlie, I think it's a good idea. Bella probably won't want to be around during that time..." And by 'that time', she meant what would have been Angela's seventeenth birthday. That assumption was correct; I didn't want to be surrounded by the memories of just a year ago when I had my best friend and then lost her.

"How much earlier?" he asked gruffly.

"Well, Bella said school is over at noon the Friday before Christmas... so maybe that Saturday? You guys are coming up on Wednesday, right?" Alice asked. "Unless you guys had something planned..."

_Come on, of course we had nothing planned. _I pleaded silently, hoping he wouldn't keep me at home for any reason. We weren't going to do anything. We were just going to sit around the house, everyone moping and quiet as usual. Being at home was pointless, especially when I would have a chance to spend some time with Edward before my parents arrived in Texas.

"I guess so... but the plane ticket will come out of your allowance, Bella," my dad said, his voice stern and asshole-ish, like always.

Jasper smiled and shook his head. "Charlie, if you don't mind, I'd like that to be my Christmas present to Bella. I travel so much for work, and I have a ton of frequent flier miles saved up..."

He looked suspicious, like we were all hiding something from him. And he was right – about me hiding something, anyway. I knew Alice was trying to get me to Texas because she was the only person I could confide in regarding my relationship with Edward, and she _understood_. She just got it... us... she knew we wanted to be together.

"If it's okay with Renee..." he trailed off, looking to my mom.

"Sounds good to me, sweetie," she replied, and I swear it took so much effort to not get up and hug her.

I was going to Texas for Christmas. I would get to see Edward – be alone with him, possibly _stay the night _with him. I couldn't imagine how great it would be.

**-O-**

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**Thanks to my redpen speed-queen, Jen328 (who made posting tonight possible) and my prereaders, Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. And mega thanks to all of you for reading - I really appreciate the feedback/support/lovin'.**

**I'm hoping to have the next chapter posted by Thursday as usual, but with the way things are going (more RL crap), I can't make any promises. I'll try though. Sorry!**

**A lot of you asked how close we are to the prologue - 2-3 chapters - lots of skipping/skimming in the next few chapters and we'll be there in no time. **

**Thanks again for reading!**


	11. First

**disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.**

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**-O-**

_**Christmas 1998f**_

"And you're still taking your birth control pill, right?" Alice asked, making my face flush.

I nodded with wide eyes. "Been on it since I was fifteen... I don't think _now _would be an appropriate time to stop taking it."

"So you're really going to have sex with him, B? You don't think it's too soon? Too risky?"

I had no second thoughts, but apparently Alice did, and regardless of how sure I felt about being with Edward in that way, part of me was a little worried. Okay, a lot worried. It wasn't because I had doubts about our relationship; I guess I just I didn't want to suck at it.

"It would be risky if my dad was anywhere near us... and I really don't think it's too soon at all. I..." I paused, because even talking to my cousin - who I felt very comfortable with, I was bashful about that part of my life. "I love him, and I'm well aware that everyone presumes it's just teenage love and will mean nothing in a few years, but Ali... I _love _him. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't in my life. He makes me feel... sexy and alive... excited and nervous all at the same time."

Placing her hand over mine, she smiled widely. "Aw, sweetie, I'm happy for you. He's a good guy... and regardless of how much your dad would want to kill me for allowing this relationship to happen, I know it's _right_. The way you two look at each other, I see what you mean."

Just as we hugged each other, Jasper and Edward walked into the house, chuckling as they witnessed the two of us being "typical girls".

"When you girls are finished crying, the truck is loaded and ready to go," Jasper commented, slapping Edward's shoulder.

While Alice and I were sharing a moment alone, Jasper had gone outside to help Edward load my bag into his truck. It didn't take two grown men to load the truck, so I knew Jasper was giving Edward "the talk". You know, _the talk_, where he threatened to cut his balls off and feed them through the wood chipper if he ever hurt me. He and Edward had become friends and actually met up for lunch whenever Edward went home to Marshall for the weekend, but regardless, he was protective of me.

"Edward, you swear to me that you'll have her back by Tuesday afternoon, just in case Charlie pulls a fast one and decides to show up early?"

"Yes, Al... believe me, I don't want to die at such a young age," Edward joked, but at the same time, was completely serious, knowing my father would kill him.

After a quick goodbye to Alice and Jasper, Edward and I left Texarkana for Marshall. He'd already reserved our room in a downtown Bed and Breakfast that Emmett's mom owned and had apparently gotten the best suite in the house. I knew that everything on our little trip was going to be over-the-top romantic because that was just Edward. He loved doing romantic things and to be quite honest, I loved that about him. He never failed to show me or tell me how important I was to him. I felt special because of Edward.

"I've already got the key and everything... so no embarrassing check-in for us," Edward said with a nervous chuckle, squeezing my hand. He was just as nervous as me. "Emmett's mom is really cool, but she'd talk your ear off if we ran into her."

"Did Emmett decide to stay in Austin for a while longer?"

"Nah, he came back yesterday. Rose was pretty pissed because she wanted to wait a few days, but Em's a momma's boy... he can't stand to upset her."

"Are you a momma's boy?" I asked, teasing just a little bit.

Edward blushed and laughed. "Just a little. I'm most definitely a Bella's boy, though."

I playfully hit his shoulder and chuckled. "Very corny, but that's good to know."

"It's true, Bell."

**ooOoo**

When Edward and I arrived at the B&B, I took my time, exploring the room to find so many beautiful, historical things. I was scared to touch anything and even worse, I was worried to lose my virginity on the _bright white _linens... _that Emmett's mom owned. _I knew I would have to figure out something – a towel or buy a throw when we went shopping later that evening.

Having the night planned out, knowing we were actually going to have sex, made me so extremely nervous. I wished that we could be like normal couples – go on dates, make out constantly and then casually lead to sex, but we only had these moments together and had to pack months' worth of dates into the weekend. Edward was trying so hard to make everything perfect, and I was worried I wouldn't make it _perfect_.

It was a lot of pressure.

"You're being so quiet," Edward commented as I sat on the bed, taking in my surroundings. "I hope you don't feel pressured into anything. I would gladly hold you tonight, Bella... we don't have to do anything more than that."

For weeks, I'd hinted that I wanted to spend the night with him. In my head, I'd assumed that it was just a planned thing that we were going to take this step, but I never realized how nervous I would be. But it wasn't because I thought we were moving too fast. One thing I learned in our long-distance relationship was that you get to know someone on a much deeper level when all you have is phone and email as ways to keep in touch. I always felt freer to say things in an email that I might've been nervous to say out loud; deeper, more emotional things. It was easier to type out things like my dreams or wishes and things I wanted for our future. Edward really didn't have a problem holding back his feelings, whether on the phone or in an email. Most days, he would email me details of his day and I would do the same, and at night we would talk for hours until we were falling asleep. It was a strong connection that couldn't be adequately described with words.

"I want to. I'm just a little nervous," I admitted, fixing my eyes on my lap.

Edward got down on his knees in front of me and kissed the top of my hands. "I am, too... but I also know that I love you more than anything and Bell," he paused, opening my legs to move between them, closing any distance between us. "You're it for me. I know with my track record, it's going to take some time for you to believe me, but you're all I want."

That conversation was one that we'd had many times. Edward always felt it was necessary to tell me that he was no longer the 'player' he was in high school, and I truly believed him. I may never know what made Edward change into the man he was at that moment, but whatever the reason was, I was grateful.

Edward and I took showers later that afternoon and got ready for our evening out. He had reservations for us at a small restaurant that had a perfect view of the Christmas lights, and he was so excited to take me there. I was nervous, but for the most part, kept my cool. I wore a black wrap dress and heels that made me feel tall. I hated feeling so short next to Edward; I looked like a midget. Edward literally took my breath away when I stepped out from the bathroom to find him in black slacks and a grey button up shirt.

"Wow Bell... you're gorgeous," he said, striding over to me from the bed.

I blushed like crazy and smiled. "Thanks. You look really nice, too."

His arms snaked around my waist, pulling my body against his. "No other person compares to you. Really, Bell, I can't take my eyes off of you."

**ooOoo**

After our rather fancy dinner, we went back to our room to change because it was pretty cold outside and my heels were killing me. We wanted to walk around town to see all of the lights, so once we changed into something more comfortable and warm, we headed out and snapped several pictures. Edward took me on a carriage ride, which in my mind, was the most romantic thing on our date. It was absolutely freezing out and the ride seemed to last forever, but I didn't mind at all because my boyfriend's arm was wrapped tightly around me, keeping me warm and making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

I bought Edward a small lamp in the shape of a lighthouse and he bought me a sterling silver necklace with a Texas charm. We went in several shops and held hands like any normal couple would do. It was nice to just _be _with him and not worry about anyone seeing us.

When we returned to our room, I was sweating bullets. I didn't know what to expect, and I already felt so awkward about our situation. I made up an excuse that I needed to take a shower and Edward suggested that I take a relaxing bath in the huge bathtub; he even ran the water and added bubbles for me. The entire time I "relaxed" in the bathtub, I worried about what I should do or say when I got out. My overnight bag was in the bathroom with me and inside was a couple sets of pajamas, though I couldn't make up my mind on what to wear. I had a black nightgown and a white tank top to go with a pair of black shorts.

_Was I black nightgown material? _

_Or casual tank and shorts?_

I didn't want to walk out of the bathroom feeling like a fool, but I didn't want to look un-sexy for our big night. I wondered what other girls had worn when they slept with Edward – and yes, it was a crazy thing to think about, but that was one of the crazy things running through my head. And those thoughts led to negative thoughts about him being with other girls, making me feel sick.

_He was mine though_. I reminded myself of that several times.

"Bella?" Edward said, knocking on the bathroom door once. "Everything okay?"

My heart thundered in my chest. "I'm okay," I replied bashfully. "Just getting dressed."

I was actually staring at myself in the mirror, rather than getting dressed. Eventually, I decided on the tank top and shorts – more of a relaxed look; I wasn't ready for the sexy attire just yet. I couldn't figure out how to wear my hair, and I brushed my teeth for several minutes. I found any excuse I could to avoid leaving that bathroom.

"Mkay... well, I have a surprise for you out here when you're ready to come out."

I smiled, listening to the worry in his voice. It was slightly comforting knowing that he was just as uneasy as I was. "I'll be out in a sec."

"Love you, Bell."

"Love you, too."

When I finally sucked it up and worked up the courage to step out of the bathroom, I found that Edward had started a fire and laid out a makeshift campsite for us right in front of the fireplace. All worries of bleeding on the bright white linens faded away, easing one of my biggest fears.

Edward grinned and patted the space next to him on the air mattress. "I wanted to do this when you came to my house that one night... but I was afraid that I might forget our _friendship _status and kiss you too soon."

I laughed, blushing, and couldn't stop the growing smile on my face. "I probably wouldn't have minded."

Surprising me, Edward reached up, placed his hands on my waist and pulled me down to his lap. I yelped loudly, which was insanely embarrassing to do in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend, who was only wearing gray pajama bottoms… and no shirt. If I could have stared at shirtless-Edward all day long with no interruptions, I would've been one extremely happy girl. He was a sight for sore eyes; seriously, he gave the meaning to that line.

"You know... I wish you went to school with me. I would sneak into your dorm room every night just to see you like this."

"Not much to see," I said, laughing quietly and feeling shy because of the way he was looking at me. He always had such intense looks, even if he wasn't trying.

Kissing my nose, Edward shook his head slowly. "Nah, you're too much, Bell. You drive me insane with _more _clothes on, and seeing you like this... you're sexy... so sexy."

Ego booster. Check.

Blush booster. Check, check.

"Shy and sexy at the same time – that's a killer combo, Bell," he said before holding my face in his hands and kissing me with more passion than I'd ever felt. I had no idea it could be like this; scary and exciting at the same time.

And I wanted so much more with him.

Edward didn't hold back. Before too long, we were both out of our clothes and kissing wildly, without the restraint we showed at Thanksgiving. I didn't have to ask for him to touch me – he just did and _my god_, it felt so good. And I touched him without worrying that I was doing it wrong because I remembered every detail from our previous encounter. However, Edward practically begged me to stop, whispering in between kisses that he wanted to come inside me. His words alone made me feel so weak in the knees and _every_ part of my body tingled with excitement.

I wanted him. No more waiting – I was ready.

There were no words spoken as he rolled on top of me, kissing my neck in the spot that drove me crazy. I hooked one of my legs over the back of his thigh, urging him to go on, wanting to feel him inside me, _finally. _

"On three..." Edward whispered.

Maybe it was nervousness or maybe I was insane, but I couldn't stop giggling. Loudly and uncontrollably. "A countdown? Really?"

Edward's chest rumbled against mine as he chuckled, easing some of the tension. "I don't want to hurt you, Bell." He kissed my jaw softly, and I felt him press against me once again. "And stop laughing at me. You know this is damaging me right now... for the rest of our lives, I'll remember that our first time together was spent with you laughing at me being worried. You'll give me performance anxiety. I'll be thirty and still remember you laughing at me... and you'll probably laugh at me even then."

Hearing him talk about our future... that we'd be together when he was thirty... well, that was just, wow. There was no way I could put together an intelligible response to that; instead, I placed my hands on his face and pulled his mouth to mine, kissing him deeply.

His arms were trembling as he pushed inside, murmuring that he loved me against my mouth. After hearing from several people that sex hurt the first time, I was surprised that it wasn't _that _bad. I'd been preparing myself for it to be excruciating and while it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, it just felt good to be connected to him that way.

Once he was fully inside, Edward pulled back slightly, his worried eyes staring down at me. "Are you okay, baby? Does it hurt too much?"

There was no doubt in my mind that Edward would have stopped altogether, had I indicated that I was in any pain at all. I smiled and ran my fingertips along the side of his face. "I'm fine, I promise."

"You're fine?" he grunted, struggling to stay still. "Bell, that usually means that you're not okay."

I wiggled my lower half, urging him to move. "Really, Edward... I'm okay. It stings, but it's not too bad. Move inside me, please?"

"_Fuck_, you're not even talking dirty and I'm already losing it," Edward groaned, pulling out slowly as he buried his face in my neck.

I couldn't stop smiling, making myself feel like a total dweeb. I was one person who would _never _be a dirty talker. I couldn't even make myself say _cock _out loud_. _However, hearing Edward say _cock _was sexiest thing I'd ever heard.

"You feel how hard I am for you, Bell... _fuck_, Bell, I love you," he grunted, picking up his pace just a little bit. My legs shook and though I could still feel the sting, I relaxed, opening up even more as he moved inside me, reaching a certain spot that made me tremble and forget about the pain. "That's it, Bell..."

"Love you, too," I whispered breathlessly, tightening my arms around his body.

Edward dropped his forehead to my shoulder, panting fast. "I've never felt like this before, baby. You feel too good... I don't think I can last much longer."

"Let go. It's okay."

Moving in and out a little faster, one of his arms snaked between our bodies, and I gasped when he touched me _right there_... the magical spot that had made me fall apart within seconds. "I want you to feel good," he said, his voice rough and husky.

My muscles contracted and I clenched around him. I wasn't quite there, and regardless of how hard he tried, I didn't think it was going to happen for me. Most girls didn't their first time, and the ones that said they did were probably lying.

"Don't worry about me. I love you," I whispered, kissing along his jaw. That just about did it for him. He removed the hand that was touching me and slammed it to the space beside me as he moved. Four thrusts later, he was pulsing inside me and collapsed against my chest.

I kept my legs wrapped around him, still kissing along his jaw, feeling his heart beat rapidly against me. At that moment, I loved him more than he would ever know.

He stayed inside me, breathing rapidly as I ran my hands along his back. "Sorry, I'm probably crushing you," Edward whispered hoarsely.

I shook my head, placing a small kiss on his cheek. "No. I like having you here." And I needed reassurance that I wasn't a crappy partner. "Was it... I mean, was I okay?"

Rolling onto his side, Edward pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me. "I can't describe to you what I'm feeling right now... but please know that you were perfect. Bella, we're perfect together. Did you feel that? It was amazing."

"I did. And... thank you. You were so great... so gentle."

"Thank you, Bell... I hope you know how much it means to me that you would give me something like this."

My face was flushed, not just from shyness, though. "I can't see myself with anyone but you. I know I'm young, and a lot of people would say that I'm just silly talking that way, but it's true. I hope you know that."

"I do, sweet girl. I feel the same way."

Edward got up, leaving me briefly to retrieve a damp washcloth to clean off the small amount of blood from me. He was so caring; my heart ached, wondering what my life would be like if he wasn't in it. Miserable, that's what it'd be like.

We lay in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of our dwindling fire. I couldn't move and didn't bother making an attempt at it. Edward continued to hold me, his hand drifting up and down my arm. The sheet was pulled halfway up our bodies, but left my chest exposed, and though I would usually feel bashfully and want to cover myself, I was completely relaxed around him.

I felt safe with Edward.

I thought Edward had fallen asleep, but he hadn't. Based on his next ramble, I guessed he had been trying to figure out how to say it. "Promise me... Bell, promise me that you'll never leave me. I need you more than you will ever know. And I love you so much... no matter how hard it gets, please give us a chance. I'll always be here... and I will never give up on us." His arms wrapped even tighter around my body.

I kissed his chest softly. "I'll never give up on us, Edward. I love you."

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Thanks for reading! And thanks for the prayers - we definitely needed them and I can't thank you all enough. Big thanks to Jen328 for working her magic on this chapter, and my pre-readers, Teacher1209 and Jadsmama.

I don't know when the next update will be because of what's happened in RL, but I'm trying. Sorry!

**Thanks for being patient!**


	12. Discourage

Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.

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_**1999**_

After Christmas and into the New Year, I had never felt more loved in my entire life. I knew the relationship I had with Edward was the _real thing_. But if my parents found out about us, they would lock me away until I was thirty, never understanding how important he was to me. Edward and I were so careful with who we talked to or how we stayed in contact with one another; at times it was depressing that I couldn't tell everyone about my amazing boyfriend. I couldn't show off the things that he sent to me or brag about the sweet words he wrote because if I did, it would get back to my parents. I could talk to Alice, though, but she was so far away, like Edward; that was depressing as well.

"Bella, come downstairs. Your dad and I want to talk to you!" my mom hollered.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as I tried to think of anything I'd done wrong or anything that I could have been caught over. After taking a few deep breaths, I shut down my computer before getting to read Edward's latest email, and ran downstairs.

Upon entering the kitchen, I noticed a packet on the counter with a large Longhorn logo printed on the envelope. My dad kept his eyes glued to the packet as he spoke. "Is there something you want to tell us?"

There was no doubt in my mind where I wanted to go to college – the University of Texas. That choice was not in my dad's plans for me. And this was going to be trouble.

"I can explain."

My mom looked at me with tear-filled eyes, and I felt so much guilt that I wanted to hide away. "Bella? Did you request this information?"

I nodded slowly. "Mrs. Cope met with the junior class... and she wanted to know what schools each of us was interested in. And I... kindofwanttogothere."

My dad raised his head, his angry eyes meeting mine. "And how do you suppose we're going to pay for a school like this?"

I shrugged, feeling very small as I stood before them. "Grandma Charlotte left enough for my first two years there... I've already checked into the tuition prices... and Jasper says that I can get student loans because if your degree is in teaching, you can get in this program where they forgive a portion of the loans, so that would be just for my last two years there."

"You can't live in a strange town, so far away from home. I mean, do you know how big Austin is, Bella?" he asked, and I shook my head even though I had heard so much about that town from Edward, I knew all the little details about it. "It's pretty big and going to a big school like that your first year... it will be too much and you'll probably end up failing out. You need to follow through with our plans. Community college first, then get your associates degree, and after that, go to a university."

I was sure that a lot of kids did fail out their first year at a big school, but what he neglected to remember was that I wasn't like most kids. I studied every free second I had. I rarely failed any test, and I gave him no reason to doubt how seriously I took school.

"Your grandma didn't leave this money for your schooling so you could throw it down the drain!"

I wanted to rebel for once in my life and comeback with something snotty, like how she was obligated to give me that money since she left some for Paul and Seth. They were her golden boys, and I was just Bella.

"I can try to get a scholarship, then," I replied, feeling my throat constrict. The thought of not going to school where Edward was absolutely killed me. It might have been crazy to some, for me to go so far away from home for a guy, but truly... we were going to spend our lives together. And he didn't pressure me into considering UT. I wanted to go for_ me_.

"Not in sports," my dad replied sarcastically.

"No, Dad, certainly not in sports!" I snapped back, instantly covering my mouth as though I had just cursed at him. I _never _talked back to my dad, but I couldn't handle it anymore.

"Bella!" My mom gasped at my small outburst.

My dad shook his head and picked up the envelope. "You are not going there, so just forget it. I don't know what is going through your head, but get it out. End of story," he said, throwing it in the trash.

Keeping my emotions under control, I nodded. "Okay." Because regardless of what he said, I would be eighteen soon, and I could go to school anywhere I wanted. The money my grandma left me was to be transferred into my savings account on my eighteenth birthday and to be used at the school of _my choice. _My dad could play the concerned/stern parent role for a while longer, but I wasn't going to let it get to me. My mind was made up.

-**O**-

"Baby, calm down," Edward said, his voice soothing me more than he could imagine. "He's just worried probably... you're his youngest, and his only daughter, at that. He knows that you can make your own choices, and that's what's worrying him, I'm sure."

I was a sobbing mess by the time I was able to call Edward later that night. "But... he was such an ass about it. You don't understand... I..."

"I know, believe me, I've seen that mean side of your dad too many times. Just try to see things from his perspective, regardless of how much you disagree."

"Are you agreeing with him?" I asked, sounding like a complete and total brat.

Edward sighed with a small chuckle. "You know I'm not. I can't wait for you to be here. I swear to god, I'm going to kidnap you every night to sleep in my bed with me, rather than your shitty dorm room... and I will spend every minute trying to woo you in person, rather than over the phone or through crappy emails."

I sniffled and smiled widely. "I love your emails. They aren't crappy."

"You love my emails, huh? Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you. And yes, your emails keep me going throughout the day." His email that I received when I woke up that morning had me dying to be with him. He must have been really horny after we'd fallen asleep the night before, because the entire email was about sex. How badly he wanted to be inside me again... how my voice alone made him harder than ever... and so on.

I could just picture the sexy smirk on his face. "Did you like today's email?"

"Yes," I replied, feeling somewhat shy all of a sudden.

"It was true. All of it, baby. I miss you so damn much."

Every time our conversations started to lead toward sex talk, I tried to find any excuse I could to go to bed early even though I would have rather stayed up talking to him. He hinted around about phone sex, teasing about it or joking that he wanted to try it sometime, even though I knew he wasn't joking. In the moment, laying in bed with him and making those sounds, it wasn't embarrassing; but with him several hundred miles away and trying to make myself feel half as good as he did, it made me feel too bashful.

And he knew it.

"Okay, my gorgeous girl... time for bed. But first – tell me what you're wearing, so I can picture you here with me."

I blushed like a mad woman. "Black tank top and... boring white panties."

"Jesus," Edward said, letting out a long breath. "They may be boring white panties to you, but I know what's underneath them, and that happens to be my favorite place in the whole world."

And then I giggled like an idiot woman.

"I wish you were here," I whispered.

"Me too, baby."

"Love you."

"I love you, too, sweet girl."

I paused, as always, waiting for him to hang up. "It's your turn."

"I can't, Bell..."

"I hate this part," I confessed sadly.

"On three, baby."

I counted down and turned my cordless phone off promptly, right after I got to three. Every night we went through the same process; both of us fighting over who had to hang up first. Long distance relationships were tough, and regardless of what my parents wanted me to do, after I graduated high school, I was going to stick to _my _plans and be with Edward where I belonged.

-**O**-

Months of forcing myself to go to school and do my absolute best in hopes that I would get a scholarship for UT made the time fly and before I knew it, I was going to Texarkana for a summer trip again. It wasn't a long trip like the summer before because my dad assumed that I was over Angela's death and over my depression; as if a year would make things that much better. I was only staying for two weeks and for the longest time I pouted like a petulant child, but in the end, Edward reminded me that two weeks was better than nothing at all.

As luck would have it, Edward was on a mandatory vacation with his parents when I arrived in Texarkana. He was on a cruise that his parents had booked a while before, and no matter how hard he tried to get out of it, he couldn't. I spent the week with Alice – shopping, of course.

I loved spending time with Alice, but being there, so close to Edward's hometown, made me feel sick over not seeing him that first week. And since he was on a cruise, we didn't get to talk, either. It was the longest period of time that I'd gone without hearing his voice. I was going insane.

"So... he's coming home tomorrow, right?" Alice asked as I searched through a rack of summer dresses for my upcoming date with Edward.

"Yeah... he said he'd probably get to the house by eight or so. Is that okay?"

"Sure thing, sweetie. Is he going to stay at our house? I hope he wasn't planning on getting a hotel room."

Never in my life did I ever think someone would be as supportive as Alice was. "I was going to ask you about that... he planned on getting a cheap room somewhere close, but–"

"Say no more," Alice interrupted. "We'll tell him ourselves when he gets here. There's no need to go to all that trouble when I know he'll be sneaking back over to see you after we're in bed anyway..."

I blushed and laughed because that was very true.

"Just no hanky-panky in the house. Got it, young one?"

"Yes, ma'am," I said with a grin. Edward was still wary around Jasper and Alice, so I knew there would be no hanky-panky, as Alice so eloquently put it. I would get a kiss and hand-hold, and that would probably be about it. Outside of their house, though... that was a different story.

I prayed that sex wouldn't be as painful as the first time. It'd been so long since I was with him last, over six months, and I just wanted everything to be perfect. Regardless of whether or not there was pain, I wanted to be with him so badly.

After shopping, Alice and I went to get our hair cut. My hair was too long, and impulsively, I had four inches cut off, leaving it just below my shoulders. I liked it, and I wondered what Edward would think of it or if he'd even notice that it was somewhat shorter. Alice insisted that we get a manicure and pedicure, and when it came time to pick out the color of nail polish, I picked burnt orange for my toenails.

Edward would love it.

-**O**-

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**Sorry for the insane delay. I understand if a lot of you have stopped reading and believe me, I am right there with you on hating stories being delayed... but my RL has been complete hell for the past few months and it's not likely that things will get better anytime soon, however, I think I have gotten my writing bug back, so I don't really see any long delays like this one again. The next chapter is over half way finished and will be posted asap. **

**For those who have given me crap over updating, you can go to my blog for your explanation. www(dot)greeneyedgirl17(dot)blogspot(dot)com - please keep in mind, I have a real life that takes precedence over everything else, including writing and sometimes you just don't feel like writing romance when your own life is falling apart. **

**Thanks to Jen_328, Teacher1209, and Jadsmama for their super beta and pre-reading skills ... and for being the sweetest, most caring friends a girl could ask for. And thanks to all of you for your prayers - love you all. **

**(And I know this was a short chapter, but at this time, long chapters just are coming out... the next one will be longer and pick up where we left off here.)**

Thanks for reading!


	13. Caught

Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.

* * *

_Summer 1999_

-**O**-

"Bell, phone's for you!" Jasper yelled from the living room as I sprinted from my room.

It was close to noon the day Edward was coming back home, and I spent the morning running around like a crazy person, so excited to see him.

"Hello," I said, trying to keep my excited breathing in check as Jasper chuckled at me.

"Hi, baby!" Edward said, practically yelling over the loud background noises.

I smiled so big, my face was hurting. "Hi! Where are you?"

"We're at the airport now... I should be home in a few hours."

"I love you," I said impulsively.

"Love you, too, sweet girl. Are you ready to see me tonight?"

That was such a loaded question – I couldn't even begin to explain how excited I was to see him. Time seemed to crawl as I waited for him to arrive. "More than you know."

Edward chuckled deeply, making my insides clench. _Gah_, _I loved when he did that deep, rumbling laugh. _It was ridiculously sexy. "Good. I can't wait to see you. Do you think you'll feel up to doing anything? Because I'd like to take my girlfriend out on a date."

God, he made my heart melt. "I'd love to."

"Okay, well, I think I'll be there earlier than expected... probably around six. I'm taking you to this restaurant in Shreveport for dinner – is that okay?"

"Yep." I was reduced one-word replies, so overwhelmed that I could barely speak. My cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much.

For the rest of the day, I stayed in my room, trying on every outfit that Alice and I had bought. If Edward had seen me, or known what I was doing, he would have laughed. I was never one to worry about fashion, but that night was different; it had been months seen I'd last seen Edward and I wanted everything to be perfect.

-**O**-

The rain was falling harder than I'd ever seen and though some might have felt it put a damper on the evening, I didn't care one bit. My eyes were glued to the window, widening with relief as Edward's truck came into view. And when he exited the truck holding a small bouquet of flowers that was being drenched by the epic downpour, I jumped up from the couch and ran to the door, throwing it open a little too roughly.

"Oh my _God..._ I missed you so much," Edward said as he pulled me onto the porch and into his arms.

Being there in his arms again made me dread being apart from him even though we had a week to spend together. It felt so good to be with him again – everything about him was so relaxing; his scent, his voice, his touch. I loved him more than I could put into words.

"Missed you, too," I replied, whispering against his neck.

"Two seconds, and you're already killing me, Swan," he murmured in my ear. And it was at that moment that I understood all of those romantic movies and novels – the ones where the heroine just loses all sense of her surroundings and _needs_ to be closer to the one she loves. It's not something that can be explained clearly, but _wow,_ I wanted him so badly.

Placing a light kiss against his neck, I pulled away slightly as I heard Alice clear her throat behind us. It was her way of trying to sound authoritative, but she was failing miserably. I knew she was just excited as I was–maybe not quite as much–for our much-awaited reunion.

"These are for you," Edward said smoothly, grinning sweetly as he held the bouquet of flowers toward Alice, surprising us both.

"Why, Edward... I do believe you are sucking up to me, eh?" Alice said, giggling as she took the flowers from him.

"Yes, ma'am," he replied honestly, smirking just a bit.

"Well, it worked, kiddo. And for the love of God, do not call me ma'am. I thought we covered this last year," Alice said, still laughing. Edward gripped my hand tightly, looking down at me quickly and gave a mischievous wink. "Just for that, curfew can be extended to midnight. And Edward, don't get a hotel room. We have another guest room just for you."

Jasper joined us, wrapping his arm around Alice after a quick handshake with Edward. "But as Ali explained to Bella, no hanky panky. Right, babe?"

My face was on fire.

Edward nodded with a serious expression on his face. He was probably wondering how in the heck we would be able to keep our hands to ourselves when we were just down the hall from one another. I didn't think it would be possible, unless we had some fun before or after dinner. _That might help._

"Absolutely," Edward said.

**-O-**

The ride from Texarkana to Shreveport seemed to take forever, but I didn't mind, considering I was finally alone with Edward. We didn't talk very much because Edward was focused intently on the road, driving very carefully due to the heavy thunderstorms all around us. The rain still wasn't letting up, but it didn't stop us from our much-anticipated date.

"You look absolutely stunning tonight, Bella," Edward said, squeezing my hand.

I was in a light orange top–strapless, which was new for me and made me feel so uncomfortable–with a floral skirt that Alice and I found the day before. And regardless of how different this look was for me, I felt kind of... _sexy. _Edward made me feel that way.

"Thanks," I said, blushing wildly. "You look really good, too."

"Thanks, sweet girl," Edward replied, bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing it softly. "So... you're awfully quiet."

I knew I was being shy but I didn't know why, seeing as I'd been waiting for that moment for so long. "I guess I'm just nervous... plus, I don't want to bother you while you're driving."

"Your voice relaxes me, Bella... and I'm kind of freaking out over here, wondering what you're thinking."

"I'm just happy to be with you. Really happy."

"Me too, baby."

Focusing on his hand that rested on my thigh, I skimmed my fingertips over the back of it, not ashamed at all of the huge smile that I couldn't contain. It had been too long since I'd been with him and being alone with him, watching his eyes dart between the road and me – it was too much. I knew there was no way I could be apart from him once I graduated. Regardless of how much my parents opposed my decision to move to Texas, I was going to do it somehow.

"You're thinking awfully hard over there." Edward grinned, squeezing my thigh gently. "Trying to gnaw your lip off?"

I chuckled shyly and shook my head. "Just... _so _glad to see you. I can't believe we're actually together again."

"I know what you mean. This is all I've been able to think about. In fact... I told my mom about you. Everything about you. And of course she remembers meeting you a few times in Forks." I stared at him, my mouth hanging open because this was pretty big. And by big, I mean the fact that his mom now knew he was dating a high school girl. "And baby, I can tell you're freaked out, but she's cool with it. She just gave me a lecture about respecting you and not pushing at all."

I nodded and blushed furiously.

"You don't ever feel like I'm pushing... do you?" Edward asked hesitantly.

I squeezed his hand. "Not at all." Truthfully, he was too respectful most of the time.

"I hope you always feel like you can tell me things... like if I'm going too fast or being too... _rough_," he said, lowering his voice and even though I knew he wasn't trying to sound seductive, it came out that way. And I suddenly wanted him to pull over so I could show him exactly what I wanted from him. I had never understood 'teenage hormones' until then.

"I trust you, Edward. And I know I can tell you anything."

"Good," he said, with a crooked grin, briefly taking his eyes off the road to look over at me. "And Bell... I love you."

"Love you, too," I said as my cheeks began to hurt again from smiling so big.

The restaurant was crowded and loud, but that just caused Edward to sit closer to me, which I didn't mind at all. He flirted with me constantly – saying sweet and sexy things in my ear, just for me to hear. Goosebumps spread all over my skin each time I felt his warm breath on my neck and shoulder.

He was killing me.

In a good way, but still...

On our way back to Texarkana after dinner, Edward stopped at Sonic for ice cream. I was a little depressed that we were going back so soon, but just as we were getting close to home, Edward turned off to a different road. He drove us out to the dam where I'd been many times with my family – fishing and camping countless times. He parked down a little path with no light at all, and even though the moon and stars were covered by clouds, but it was still a beautiful night.

"I just wanted to be alone with you for a little while longer. Hope you don't mind?" Edward asked.

That _really _made me laugh. Or girlishly giggle, which was so embarrassing. "Not at all."

Adjusting his seat and scooting as far back as he could, Edward grinned at me. "Come here, baby," he said, lifting the console and patting the middle seat.

Awkwardly and rather boldly for me, I unbuckled and skipped over the middle seat to sit in his lap. Straddled him, actually. As shy as I was, I still wanted my boyfriend.

"Hi."

Edward chuckled, a low rumble I could feel against my chest as he leaned forward and kissed my nose. "Hi."

His hands landed on my thighs, but slowly moved to my behind, pulling me even closer to him. I loved him so much it hurt. So much that I felt like he was going to be ripped away from me. I always had that deep unsettling feeling even if my body was pressed so close to his – so protected in his tightened arms.

"I love you," I whispered, leaning in and brushing my lips across his.

"I love you, too, Bell... so much," he replied, so intensely that I could never doubt his feelings for me.

"I want you." Bashfulness, be gone, apparently.

Edward didn't respond, but gripped my hips as he rubbed himself against me. My mind was racing with excitement that we might actually do it in his truck. Maybe it was slutty of me to want that, but I did. And I would have done anything to make it happen.

Knowing I had already taken a big step by straddling him and with my admission, Edward really got things going. He helped me slip my panties off and pulled his pants and boxers down, setting me on his bare thighs. He touched me where I needed him and put my hand where he wanted it on him. I loved how he took control of the situation. And I loved the sounds he made.

"_Fuck_," he panted. I bit my lip, watching his face contort with each pass along his length. "I didn't plan on this happening yet, baby... I promise I didn't bring you here just for this."

"Stop," I whispered before kissing him hard, groaning as his tongue pressed against mine. "I want this. _You_... I want _you_, Edward."

Before I could even process it, he slid inside me, both of us moaning from the sensation. We were making love, and it was the most romantic night of my life. Soft moans and the rain falling against the truck were the only sounds as my legs shook and I let myself go. Edward trailed his lips along my neck before coming inside me. It was absolutely perfect. _He _was perfect.

"I'm going to marry you someday."

"I can't imagine spending my life without you," I replied breathlessly, my heart overwhelmed with love and worry. Worry that something would happen. I couldn't shake that feeling no matter how hard I tried. It just felt like our relationship was too good to be true most of the time.

We might have been young but I knew I wanted him. And regardless of things we'd face in the next few years, we wanted to face them together. I just had to stay in control – make sure nothing took him away from me.

He was without a doubt,The One for me.

-**O**-

Our week together flew by and before I knew it, we were leaving for our weekend away. Alice was extremely nervous about letting me go away with Edward, but we were just going to Marshall, and she did trust Edward immensely, so she finally agreed that it was okay. My incessant nagging helped, I'm sure.

Between the nagging and planning, I forgot how overwhelming a weekend alone with Edward would be.

I was a nervous wreck, making plans to stay overnight in a hotel room with Edward when my parents were going to be just a couple of hours away, but it was the last time I would see him until God knows when. I told my mom that I had a friend in Texarkana and had already made plans to spend the night at her house that weekend. That "friend" was Rose. Calling Rose a friend was laughable – she despised me and didn't attempt to hide her feelings. Edward gave me her phone number to give to my mom, just in case she needed to get in touch with me, which I highly doubted that she would. He also informed Rose and Emmett of our plans and even though he didn't really trust Rose, he knew Emmett was going to be there with her, house-sitting while her parents were on vacation; he trusted Emmett not to let Rose do anything bitchy.

The whole thing made me nervous and I had hoped nothing would go wrong. I just wanted a special weekend with Edward – away from family and all my worries. I _needed _to be with him.

Unfortunately, the eerie feeling of dread that I couldn't shake came true as soon as we arrived at our room. The phone was ringing and while Edward didn't think anything of it, I just knew something was wrong. Edward shrugged and proceeded to the bathroom, leaving me to answer the phone. I think he assumed it was Alice calling to check in, but usually she waited for me to call.

Already worried, I answered hesitantly. "Hello?"

"Bella, you need to listen to me and do as I say. Your mom and dad are in town. They're at my mom's house right now, but will be at my house soon. _He knows, Bella._"

And just like that, my weekend and my _life _came to a screeching halt.

"What?" I asked, barely breathing as my heart raced. "How?"

Alice seemed to be holding a conversation with Jasper, both of them whispering loudly as though they were arguing. "Because I have to warn her, babe!"

"Warn me about what? Alice! Tell me what's going on!"

Sighing loudly, she explained how my dad used my computer for some reason and when he did, he just happened to log in to my email account, which held many messages from Edward. Messages that made me blush at times. Messages that were _private_ and meant only for _me_. I had my password saved on my computer because I never expected anyone to use it and the thought never crossed my mind that my dad would be so nosy.

I was practically having a panic attack by the time Edward exited the bathroom. He immediately took in the situation, listening to every word I said to Alice as his face paled with fear. I knew it wasn't fear of what my dad would do or say, but fear for me – he knew my dad would give me the ultimate punishment. And what did it mean for us?

"Just get here, Bella. Your mom said he's going to drive there if you aren't here soon."

"O-okay," I stuttered. It felt as though my insides were shaking.

As soon as I hung up the phone I practically threw myself into Edward's arms and sobbed, trying to explain what was going on and how my dad found out. I sensed his frustration over the fact that I had my email password saved, but in the long run, he realized that I had no reason to think that anyone would search my computer for something bad. That's all my dad was doing – snooping. He had no reason to think I was doing anything wrong – I always had good grades and did whatever I was told to do – and yet I was being treated like a rebellious teenager that needed checking up on.

Edward drove a little faster than the speed limit, and even with our extremely stressful situation, he remained somewhat calm, talking me through everything and reminding me that he loved me.

"I need to go in there with you. I want to tell him that I'm in love with you, Bella... he needs to hear it from me."

My hands shook violently as my throat constricted painfully. "He will be ready to kill you, and believe me, I'm serious. I've got to handle this on my own. It's my fault that I wasn't honest with them in the first place, and now I have to deal with the consequences."

Edward grabbed my hand, squeezing gently. "I'm so sorry, baby... I know he's going to be so hard on you."

I leaned over the console, resting my head on his chest. "What if he forbids me to talk to you... I know he's going to get rid of my phone line. How will I ever get to talk to you? Oh my God, it's just going to end us. I don't know how we're going to make a long distance relationship work if–"

Edward cut off my rambling. "Bella, do you love me?"

I sat up, looking at him like he was insane. "Of course I do!"

"Then are you ready to give up just like that?"

"No!" I sobbed.

"So stop saying we're not going to work out. I love you... more than anyone, Bella, and I'm not going to let anything get in the way," he said, leaning over to kiss me softly. "We'll figure out what to do... if it's emails, then that's what we'll do... and if he takes that away, I'll write letters to one of the guys back at home and they'll give them to you. Just don't give up, baby."

"I won't. Ever."

I wish I could have kissed him one more time, but I couldn't. I had to hurry out of the truck and run up the driveway before my dad came outside. If I was already in so much trouble, I don't know why I didn't at least kiss him one more time. One of those little things you take for granted. And one of my many regrets.

**-O-**

I thought my mom or Alice and Jasper might've been able to calm my dad down a little bit before I arrived, but that hope faded as soon as I opened the front door. Alice had been crying and Jasper was trying to calm her down. My mom looked so... _disappointed_.

"Get in the kitchen. Now." That's all my dad said before walking down the hall.

Timidly, I followed behind him and my mom was right behind me, mumbling about how upset she was with me and why would I lie to her. I felt so ashamed, but it was the only way I could be with Edward.

As I sat down at the table, directly across from my dad, Alice and Jasper walked in as well and sat on either side of me. I felt somewhat better with them in the room, knowing I had their support even though my dad had probably griped them out for not taking care of me properly.

Before he could begin his spiel, I decided that I had to tell him why I would risk getting in trouble and letting my family down. "He's important to me, Dad... I love him. Very much."

With a scary frown, he chuckled sarcastically. "You don't know what love is, Bella. And if he was so important to you, why not tell us months ago? You being so secretive just shows how immature you are in this matter."

I knew it was wrong to lie to my parents, but I knew _this _would happen. This _horrible_ situation where they would ground me and deny me any communication with Edward. My dad could come up with his excuses – like he would have let me stay in contact with Edward and keep our relationship going, but that was a lie. He would have been enraged just as he was at the moment; I wasn't an idiot.

"It wouldn't have made a difference. You would never have believed anything I said when it came to my feelings for Edward, and you would have made sure that I didn't talk to him." I had the hardest time making words actually come out of my mouth because my dad's fury always scared me, and this was one of those times that I wanted to crawl under a rock to get away from his piercing stare. I had to stand up for myself, though.

"You're damn right I would have stopped that _man_ from talking to you," he said, slamming his fist on the kitchen table. "He is a _man_, Bella. Not a boy your age. I could get him in so much trouble if I wanted to..."

I shook my head quickly as tears streamed down my face. "No, Dad... he's a good guy. He loves me, too. He wanted to talk to you so many times, but I practically begged him not to."

Another sarcastic laugh came from my dad. "But that sure didn't stop him from taking my daughter to a hotel room and doing God knows what!"

His loud yell scared me, along with his fist slamming down on the table. I covered my face with my hands, unable to look at his angry expression any longer and trying to avoid my mother's disappointment. She always wanted me to wait to have sex until I was married and my dad bringing up the hotel room just shoved it in her face again that I broke my promise to her.

Alice gently rubbed my shoulder and sighed before addressing my dad. "Charlie, I know you're angry with Jasper and me, but we got to know Edward and I really trust this kid with Bella. He is very respectful and always–"

"I don't want to hear it, Alice," he interrupted, gritting his teeth. "As far as I'm concerned, you and Jasper betrayed my trust that you were taking care of her... and she will _never _come for another visit again. Do you hear me, Bella? Never again."

As far as I was concerned_, _my life was over.

We sat in silence for what seemed like hours, even though only seconds had passed. I avoided looking at my parents, my vision fixed on my shaking hands resting on my lap. My heart stopped when I heard a loud, forceful knock on the front door. For all I knew, it was the police coming to take a report or something of that nature from my dad. He was dead set on getting Edward in trouble, even though I'd done the research, and regardless of what he thought he could do, no laws were actually broken.

Jasper left the room momentarily to answer the door, and when he returned, I gasped. Before all of us stood Edward, looking terrified, yet determined.

"Sir, I need to talk to you about my relationship with your daughter."

**-O-**

**Sorry for the delay. I really hate not posting weekly updates like I always have. And I wish I could say that posting will go back to normal, but I don't know when it will. My life is still a mess right now, and isn't getting any better. I will never pull this story though. It will be finished, I promise.**

**Thanks for reading. I appreciate your comments and support. **

**Thanks to Jen328 (who will probably be posting soon, so put her on author alert!), my beta, and Teacher1209 and Jadsmama for pre-reading. These three girls are just about the sweetest people I know. ILYSM. **

**And thanks to one of my favorite authors, xrxdanixrx, for interviewing me for The Twilight Awards blog. For a little more UtSM info, I'll post the link on my blog.**

**-Recs-**

**Pocket Change by aWhiteBlankPage. "Change is the only constant. Hanging on is the only sin." -Denise McCluggage. Brought together by tragedy, pulled apart by fear. The secrets she keeps and the lies he tells himself. Their history unfolds as they find their way back. ****This is so well written. I can't even begin to explain how much I love this story. It's angsty and heart clenching, but so worth the read. Check it out!

**Anything Rochelle Allison writes ... her witfit entries are to die for. Especially her current set, _Sultry. _But don't just go read that one. Read through all of her stuff, especially her witfits. I'm re-reading for the 2nd time. **

Anyone have fic recs for me? I have a lot of reading time at the hospital and am desperately searching for fics that I haven't read. Send em' to me, por favor!

Thanks again for reading!


	14. Pain

**disclaimer: SM owns twilight.**

* * *

**-O-**

My racing heart came to a sudden stop as Edward looked to me, his eyes determined and scared at the same time. Was he asking to be killed? Because my dad was certainly ready to grab one of Jasper's guns and chase my boyfriend away.

"Now, I don't know who you think you are but–" my dad began but, surprisingly, was interrupted by my mom.

With her hand raised, she shook her head back and forth, keeping her hand up to stop his rant. "Charlie, he had enough courage to come here... we might as well hear him out."

I wanted to hug her. She was my hero at that moment; my hero that still would not look at me.

Edward's face was slightly reddened while mine was burning. I hoped he knew I didn't just keep my mouth shut – that I really did fight. For us.

"I love your daughter." My dad loudly scoffed at Edward's declaration. I melted that he was there, making his intentions clear for me. Regardless of my dad's childish behavior, Edward continued. "And I know we're young, but we know what love is. She's my best friend. Yes, we went about this the wrong way, keeping our relationship quiet the way we did. But since I am older, Bella and I both thought the two of you would never allow it. While we see it as just a few years, we both understand that as her parents, you would feel as though I might be taking advantage of her. However, I can assure you that I have the utmost respect for your daughter. She's the most important person in my life and will always be treated that way."

The tears I'd held back throughout the evening broke loose, and all I wanted to do was go to him and be in his arms. He was without a doubt the most caring person I'd ever known.

For a moment, it looked as if my mother was about to cry as well. Wasn't that what all parents wanted? Happiness and security for their children? No matter how young we both were, I knew he'd keep me safe always.

"I respect you for coming here, young man," my mom said, looking to Edward. "But her father and I both feel that Bella is too young for a relationship with someone your age. You were obviously mature enough to come to us, but our daughter isn't."

I openly gaped at my mother.

It was the ultimate betrayal.

I expected it from my dad, but not from my mom.

"Mom, I–"

"No, Isabella. We really don't need to hear anymore from you," she said, interrupting me with the same damn hold-her-hand-in-the-air move she did with my dad. Had she completely forgotten how I'd turned everything around in the last year? How I didn't cry at night anymore? That I actually smiled every day?

Nodding to my dad, Mom indicated that he should escort Edward out. I felt hopeless. My dad could be mad at me all he wanted, but having my mom disappointed in me, with no support – it was awful.

I couldn't stop the rapidly falling tears as I watched Edward leave the room. The look on his face was utter despair as though he'd failed me – when it was actually me who failed the both of us.

"Love you," he shouted seconds before I heard the door slam. I said it back, but I was sure that my dad sent him out of the house after his declaration for me.

-O-

My life at home was never the same again. And those aren't the over-exaggerated words of a broken-hearted teen; it was the truth.

I had a nine o'clock curfew throughout the rest of the summer and for my entire senior year.

I never had a reason to defy that nine o'clock curfew, considering I had no friends that I wanted to spend any time with.

My best friend was dead, and I had to face that fact for the first time since Edward had come into my life.

I didn't have Edward. Sure, we emailed back and forth every day, but I couldn't instant message him or stay up late talking on the phone with him. I had no phone in my bedroom anymore – my dad had removed that himself. I certainly couldn't take the cordless phone into my room – I wasn't even allowed to call him. My computer was moved into the den – where my dad watched CNN or sports every night. I was able to change the password to my email and had that small amount of privacy, but he would spend most of the night looking over his shoulder, constantly checking up on me. I was miserable. Life was unbearable at that point.

My mom was still disappointed in me, disappointed that her daughter didn't wait until marriage to have sex. My private emails and the knowledge of our _almost _overnight stay in a hotel room gave us away.

It wasn't just sex. It was love.

Just before the holidays Edward's parents left town for good, closing down his dad's practice there, I almost had a breakdown. It was final – no Cullen lived in my town; there was nothing holding him to that place. Just me and my messed up life with my overly controlling parents.

I began to wonder if I was worth it. If he had the chance to be with some college girl, what would hold him back? I was hundreds of miles away. How would I find out if he was with another girl?

Jealousy. It's a horrible thing. Horrible for one to feel that way and horrible for making other people have to prove themselves when it rears its ugly head.

.

_Bella,_

_You haven't emailed me in days. I don't know what has put these thoughts in your head, but I have always been faithful to you. When I say you are it for me, I mean it. _

_You think I don't worry that you're getting hit on by all these high school assholes, while I'm away trying to get through school, which happens to be very far away from you? That I don't think about dropping everything and moving to Colorado to be near you? I would give up everything, Bella. But the one thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'm going to graduate with a degree that will ensure my ability to provide for you. My life revolves around you. _

_I think about taking you on normal dates when you move here._

_I think about picking out a ring for you._

_I think about how I should ask you to marry me one day. A big show, something spontaneous, or a quiet evening together? _

_I think about getting on your nerves when I burn our dinner in our apartment __that we'll be sharing__, while you're trying to study for exams. _

_I think about marrying you and buying you a home. _

_And then I worry that life is going to get in the way and you'll realize that I'm not worth it. That all this fighting with your parents and the worry you have of leaving home and not being supported by them at all is too much. The constant struggle for us to be together. Is it worth it?_

_Because right now... with you freaking out for no reason... I just don't feel worth it to you. _

_I don't know how else to put it clearly for you... but I love you, Bella. You are it for me. Stay strong and wait please? I promise once we're together, we'll never be apart and I'll make you happy, baby. _

_Always,_

_Edward_

.

I broke the rules after that email.

With my parents still out, an empty house with an available phone and privacy, I forgot about the rules.

"Hello?" He answered on the first ring, sounding exhausted.

"Hi." I didn't even give myself a chance to think it through – what I was going to say after reading his sweet message.

"Baby? What's going on? How are you calling me?"

And _God,_ it was indescribable what I felt at that moment. Hearing his voice for the first time in so many months. "I got your email, and I couldn't even... those things you said, Edward... I just..."

"You believe me, right? Everything I said was true, Bella," Edward said, rushing through his words as if I was going to hang up.

"Of course. And I'm so sorry for the way I've been acting. For that stupid email I sent to you before. I was so... so dumb," I explained, my throat constricting painfully as I tried not to cry. "I heard some girls talking about me, saying that you were probably messing around with college girls. I mean... you go to parties and get wasted... a girl comes onto you. What's holding you back? You did it in high school... and I'm so far away... I'd never find out. And it just worried me."

"Those girls are bitches. None of them know me like you do... and I would never hook up with some skank at a party, baby. I know that my past is shit, but I wasn't with you then, Bella. I'm in love with you, and I don't have any desire to be with anyone else."

"But college guys... they have sex. And you're... not."

"And I went sixteen years without it..." he said with a small chuckle. "I'm positive I can go without it for a year, baby. You're worth the wait, believe me."

Tears were flowing down my face and I was sure that he could hear the nasty sobbing hiccups through the phone. It was so embarrassing. "I'm sorry."

I hated that I had put him in this situation. He had to defend his actions and he hadn't even _done _anything wrong. I knew he wouldn't cheat on me, but when I heard Claire and her friends gossiping in the bathroom, I lost all sense of reason.

In small towns, everyone knows everything about you and somehow, they all found out that I'd been sneaking off to see Edward. His parents found out. My brothers found out. My so-called-friends found out. And my school counselor found out. She brought me into her office the first week of school to see if I needed to talk to her about anything. My dad thought she could "talk some sense" into me. Instead, she listened and encouraged me to go to the University of Texas.

"Don't apologize, sweet girl. You're under a lot of stress and it's a lot to handle, I know... but just talk to me, Bella. I love you. But I can't handle your silence. It just about killed me."

"I'm so sorry... I just, I was so scared and I had no one to talk to. It's just been so miserable here. And it's only Christmas! I still have another semester to get through before I can graduate and leave this stupid town. I hate it here!"

Okay, so that was the spiel of a dramatic teenager.

And Edward obviously thought so as he chuckled. "Baby, calm down. We'll get through it, okay? Just stay focused on school – that's what I'm doing. The better you do in school, the more scholarships you'll get... and then you'll be here with me. And I'll be sneaking into your dorm every night until you're a sophomore and we can get an apartment together. You'll see, Bella, everything will be just fine. Okay?"

"Okay," I whispered, wishing I could stay on the phone with him all night. But even ten minutes of a long distance phone call would send my mom into hysterics when she got the bill. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too... more than you can imagine."

"I miss you."

"Miss you, too. I can't wait to see you again."

"Everything is horrible here. I'm miserable."

"I know, Bell... just do as they say and know it's only temporary that we're apart."

"I better go. They'll be home soon."

"I hope you don't get in too much trouble for calling, but I'm so glad you did. Promise you'll go back to emailing me every day?"

"I will, I promise. I love you."

"Love you, too, baby."

-O-

When the bill came a few weeks later, it was no surprise that I was grounded for two weeks. Grounded from what? Grounded from having to spend time with my family after dinner? Sent to my room for punishment? _That was more like a reward_.

It only allowed me more time to think about how crazy my parents were being. I made a vow that I would never be so over-protective with my children. Ever.

My brothers blamed our parents' protectiveness of me on themselves, saying that they were horrible kids growing up, and my parents didn't want me to do anything dangerous like they did. But I wasn't doing anything dangerous by being in love with Edward. I could possibly understand where they were coming from if he was a bad kid, but he wasn't. He was responsible, determined and a gentleman.

Every day I held on to my anger for my parents. Every day until my mom came home from seeing her doctor, with tears in her eyes and my dad at her side, preparing to call my brothers. Things like family discussions about cancer and worrying if your mother is going to defy the odds and beat it or if she's going to die soon, make you let go of petty things. Guilt takes over and you realize you should let go of the animosity holding you back from being utterly happy and embracing what you have.

I was left with the question: how much heartache can one person handle in a lifetime?

**-O-**

* * *

Sorry for the delay.

Good news: we're back on a weekly updating schedule.

Bad news: we've hit another round of HF.

Good news: we're almost to the prologue and reunion time.

Bad news: i feel overly ridiculous for this good news/bad news stuff. i'm bored, sorry!

Oh, and even better news, my great friend/beta Jen328 is posting a new chapter of her story each week. It's called Following Faith and it's awesome. You will love Edward and her wonderful writing. Check it out - leave some reviews and show her some love. I'm a pre-reader and wow... I'm in love with this story.

Thanks to Jen328 for her super beta skills and to Teacher1209 and Jadsmama for their awesome pre-reader feedback.

See you next Tuesday. Thanks so much for reading!


	15. Over

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

* * *

_**2000**_

**-O-**

January always turned out to be a horrible month for me.

My best friend died that month in 1998, and just two years later, my mother was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer. My parents didn't know exactly how bad her cancer was when they broke the news to my brothers and me. She'd only gone for tests with her gynecologist so far, and was waiting to see an oncologist to learn exactly how bad it actually was.

"We don't know how bad it is, honey..." she said, her voice shaking as she held me. My mother held _me _even though she was the one with cancer. "It could be nothing. Just a quick surgery and I'll be done."

She was trying to sound brave, but I could see right through her. She was terrified.

I cried and cried as though nobody else was in the room. My brothers, their wives and my dad watched as I fell apart in my mother's arms. It pushed me over the edge – something I couldn't handle. I just wasn't prepared to deal with something like that. I had absolutely no control over the situation.

"But your hair," I sobbed. _So stupid_. Her hair? That's what I was worried about? "And you're going to be sick all the time."

Through her own tears, my mom chuckled and patted my back. "Not everyone loses their hair, B... and I'm sure they have medicine to help with nausea."

This was my first experience with cancer. I had only seen cancer patients on television and half of the things you see on there aren't believable, but that's all I had to go by. I didn't know what to expect or how to handle it.

"The crying is a little overboard, Bella. We all just need to be strong," Paul said, staring me down and making me feel like an even bigger fool in front of all of them. "For mom."

"Well, sorry if I'm just a little overwhelmed right now!" I said, my voice rising with each word.

"Bella, watch it," my dad warned, his voice menacing and not fatherly at all. "Remember to respect your elders, young lady."

At that moment, I didn't see my brother as an elder. He was my asshole brother who lacked an actual heart. He was fine with my mom being sick because he was older and had his own life. If I didn't have my mom, I would be stuck at home with my dad. _My dad,_ who half of the time made me wonder if he even liked me at all.

"Charlie, give her a break. And Paul, she's your little sister. If she wants to cry, she can cry. You're her older brother. You can be strong for her and me all you want, but for now, don't ever tell her that crying is overboard." To say that I was shocked that my mom talked back to my dad would be an understatement.

Seth remained quiet, never uttering a single word throughout the exchange. Just once, I would have loved to see him support me.

Whether I believed her or not, I took my mom's words to heart and hoped we'd lucked out and caught the cancer early. It was the only thing I could think of. She just had to be okay. I couldn't imagine losing her, too.

That night, I went to bed early, giving my parents some time alone as they sat in the living room, looking on the internet to find information about cancer. My mom got a dozen phone calls from her friends; all giving her encouragement that everything would be fine.

Just as I was about to fall asleep, my mom came inside my bedroom, holding the cordless phone in her hand.

"I... I still think he's too old for you, baby... but I know that he might offer some comfort to you right now." She held the phone out to me, along with my calling cards that had been confiscated several months before. "Just please, be honest with me from now on, Bella. No more hiding."

I was speechless as I sat up in my bed, my eyes still stinging from crying all night. "Thank you, Mom."

"I love you, Bella. I don't think I've said that enough in my lifetime, and I've not been a very good mother to you lately."

"You have," I said, starting to cry all over again as I stood from the bed and wrapped my arms around her. "I've been a bad daughter. I should have told you the truth about Edward. I just... I was afraid. I love him so much, Mom. I couldn't lose him."

And at that moment, the thought of losing Edward didn't compare to how badly my heart would break if I lost my mother. "I can't lose you, Mom. I have no family without you."

"You're not going to lose me, sweetheart," she whispered, tightening her arms around me. "And I will make sure your dad loses this attitude with you. I'm sorry for letting it go on for so long. You're more important to me than anyone else in this world, and I haven't done a very good job of showing that to you. Things are going to change, Bella... and we're going to get through this. I promise."

I moved back, loosening my arms slightly and looking into her eyes that looked just like mine. "I love you, Mom."

"Love you, too, sweetie. Now, call Edward. I'm sure he can put a smile on your pretty face."

But I couldn't smile. I felt raw inside, not knowing how to deal with my mom having cancer. After Angela's death, I was so afraid my mom would be in a car accident, too, and I wouldn't get to say goodbye or tell her all the things she needed to know. Like how I thought my entire life that she was my own personal superhero. Or how the mere thought of her dying felt like a stab to my heart.

"Bell, calm down, baby," Edward said, his voice soothing but too far away to help. "I'm sure they caught it in time... and there are so many treatments for ovarian cancer now. She'll be fine, Bella. She will beat it."

"But, Edward... what if–"

"No 'what ifs'. You can't think like that. Try to stop thinking the worst until she sees the specialist. And I'm going to ask my dad about it tomorrow. I'll get as much information as he has. We'll get through this, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. I'll do whatever I can to be there for you."

True to his word, as always, he never let me down. From that day forward, we talked on the phone every day. I don't know how my mom was able to make my dad accept it, but he did. Or he just didn't say anything. Sometimes it felt as though my mom was only allowing it because she didn't think she was going to live; as if she was preparing me for when she died. And that made me so angry. I couldn't fathom the thought that she was giving up.

Several ultrasounds, CTs, MRIs, and blood tests gave us results that didn't look good. She had stage three cancer. Stage three _ovarian _cancer, which was one of the worst kinds for women. For several months she'd felt bloated and had irregular periods. She'd written it off as going through hormonal changes that were normal for her age. So many months of ignoring the signs. And her prognosis wasn't good. For a five year survival rate, at the stage she was at it was only forty-two percent. _Forty-two percent? _

I had an all-out panic attack the night she gave my brothers and me the news. After running to the computer and finding that kind of information, giving me a horrid outlook on my mother's future; it was indescribable. I couldn't handle it. At all.

And not even Edward could help me then.

**-O-**

"And have you applied there yet?"

I felt as though my head would burst as I shook it back and forth, trying to hold back the tears.

"Well, sweetheart, we better get your application filled out. You'll get the approval letter in a couple of weeks, and when you get that, come see me. I can have your scholarship applied easily."

I couldn't tell Edward that I had changed my mind about UT. It was a spur of the moment decision when I left for school that morning. My high school was basically just down the road from my house, and yet it killed me to be _that _far away from my mom. Chemotherapy was hell. And she looked like she was going to die at anytime. I couldn't even fathom going off to college, being thirteen hours away from her. It just wasn't a possibility.

My mom wasn't pushing me to stay. She hadn't even mentioned school. And my dad... well, he was always going to be an asshole who didn't really care about what I wanted, so of course, UT never crossed his mind. I was sure he wouldn't even have noticed me not being around, had it not been for the fact that I did everything for my mom. He was attentive sometimes, but most of the time, it was like he couldn't show any emotions, so he just avoided everything all together.

I listened to her cry at night.

I stood by her while she vomited.

I held her hand when the doctors didn't give us much hope.

It was tough, and I didn't know how I was going to handle it much longer. I didn't have Alice. I didn't have Angela. And Edward... he just didn't understand. His mom was healthy, and he didn't have to worry about her like I did mine. Besides, he wasn't that close to his mom. He would still have his dad and other family if she was gone. I'd have no one.

"Bella, I'm sure this is going to sound like I'm overstepping my boundaries... but is this because of your dad? I know he is adamant that you stay in Colorado, but you're not limited to community college - I hope you know that. UT is a great school, and you've already been accepted. Your scholarship covers everything, and your mom mentioned in one of our conversations that you have a college fund from your grandmother. I just... I don't want you to feel stuck. You have great potential."

Regardless of how hard I tried to hold them back, the tears fell. Mrs. Cope handed me a tissue, and just her concerned and thoughtful facial expression made me cry harder.

"I know you have a lot going on in your life, Bella, but your mom wants you to take every opportunity available."

"She's dying. I can't leave her."

"Honey, people beat cancer every day. I know it's hard right now, but I've known your mom for a long time, and she's not going to give up. She knows that you need her."

I need her. That simple statement didn't even begin to explain how much.

Feeling hopeless and really needing to get away, I stood and grabbed my backpack. "I can't... I just need some air or something. Can I leave early today?"

"Of course, hon. I'll let Mrs. Andrews know. But please remember that I'm here if you need to talk."

Without responding, I left her office, closing the door quietly behind me. I didn't know where to go, and as much as I hated to admit it, I really didn't want to go home. I didn't want to see my mom looking so sickly, and I didn't want to face the fact that I had a phone call to make. How was I going to tell Edward that I'd changed our plans?

Feeling foolish and just wishing he was still in Salida, I drove down the small dirt road that led to his old house. The _For Sale _sign was a painful reminder that he and his family would never be back. And I felt so stupid for even going to his old house, considering I had never been inside it. We were mere acquaintances when he lived there. It didn't stop me from dreaming that I was the girl he invited over after school... or that I was the girl he would sneak inside his bedroom late at night. We'd never had those normal teenage experiences, and now that we were together, we were too far apart to even _enjoy _being a couple.

I sat in my car in his old driveway for an hour before backing out and driving back home. I had to call him. My only hope was that he might move to Colorado. They had really great medical schools in Colorado and if he was just a few hours away, it'd be much less painful.

After making up an excuse to my mom for why I was home, I headed to my bedroom. I took several deep breaths, trying to calm myself as I dialed Edward's phone number. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew he would be less than pleased with my decision.

"This is a nice surprise. What are you doing home so early?"

Already, my throat was killing me as I tried not to cry. "Bad day..."

"I'm sorry, baby. Is your mom okay?" _Baby. _I loved it when he called me that. Every single time he said it, I would get those excited tingles that made me feel so special and loved. _God, I loved him._

"Yeah... I just had a hard day at school. And I kind of need to talk to you about something."

I heard rustling around in the background and Edward holler to Emmett to turn down the stereo. They were sharing an apartment and though they'd been friends since they were young kids, Edward couldn't get used to living with Emmett.

"Sorry about that. So... what's going on?" he asked warily.

"I... please don't get mad at me. I didn't know what else to do."

"Bell, just tell me," he asked, his voice remaining calm, but I knew he just wanted me to spit it out already.

And I did. "I can't go to UT next year. I'm having my scholarship applied to Colorado Mountain College as soon as I apply and get accepted. I just can't leave my mom, Edward. I know it's incredibly childish of me, but I was awake all night wondering how I was going to leave her when she needs me the most. I mean, what if she dies and I'm several hours away? I can't handle that. I can't. And I love you, but we're strong enough to handle the distance for a while longer, right?"

Silence. Complete and utterly uncomfortable silence.

Finally, I heard a sigh before he cleared his throat. "Bella, I understand... I do, but your mom knows that you're older and you need to make a life for yourself. You hate being there. I just want you to be happy."

"I'm not going to be happy anytime soon... not as long as my mom is dying right in front of me."

"Bella, stop! She's not dying in front of you. She has cancer! People get it every day, and guess what? They live, too. Your mom is alive and yes, she looks horrible right now, but that's the usual outcome when you're going through chemo. I don't know why you won't listen to me or any of the doctors that tell you she is going to be fine."

I snapped. Really snapped. "Because she's not fine! You say she's sick like it's some simple illness she's getting over, but I see that she's lost so much weight and can't hold anything down. I see her crying when her hair falls out in clumps. I see her throw up if I put a bowl of soup in front of her. So spare me the medical advice."

"Bella, I understand what you're –"

"No, no... you really don't. You don't know what it's like. Your mother is healthy. You don't get to say that you understand. All of the medical advice and standard textbook information - well that doesn't really make you feel any better." I hated being so angry and hateful with him, but I was at the end of my rope. "Bottom line is... I'm not leaving Colorado. I can't… at least not until she's better."

"So that's just it? No talking it over... nothing?" He sounded so angry. I didn't like hearing him this way.

"Yes, but you can always transfer to Colorado Springs... they have a good medical program there, I'm sure. And it's not that far away from me."

He laughed bitterly. "I'm not leaving UT. My parents want me to go here. I want to go here. I have always wanted to graduate from _this _med school. I don't have another option."

Angrily, I wiped away tears as they fell down my face, so upset that he wasn't willing to make any changes for us? It felt like I was the one who had to sacrifice to make our relationship work. And with that realization, I became insanely bitter. "No other option, huh? So _I _have to move away from _my _family... go someplace that I have never been to. Make _my _parents mad when I go against their wishes. It's all on me, right?"

"You said you wanted to go here. I never forced you to choose, Bella," he said. And the bland tone he used just pissed me off even more.

"And if I didn't, how would we make it? I had no other choice but to go to you. How much longer would we last if I didn't go?"

"I don't know, but don't act as though I forced you to come here."

"There was no other choice! You've never offered to move to be with me... even now when I need you so badly, you're not here. Spring Break, you went away with Emmett and his bitch of a girlfriend. After school, you're going to New York for two weeks with your friends... And I'm here, with my sick mother. I _need _you, but I never say anything to make you feel guilty. I never tell you that it'd be nice if you'd forgo your plans with _them_ to spend time with me. _Me, _the idiot high school girl that none of your friends like."

"Okay, I'm going to respond to that and then I'm ending this conversation before it gets even more out of hand. I wanted to see you over Spring Break, but I can't, can I? Seeing as your dad hates me. And after school, I planned to go to New York because you weren't coming until later in the summer and what am I supposed to do, Bella? Sit around and wait for you to arrive? I'm sorry for wanting to go on vacation. And really, you're going to bring up Rose? Who in the hell cares what she thinks? I don't know how many times I've had to tell you that I don't care what she does or says... her thoughts on things do not matter to me. And my other friends... in the very few times that you've been around them, you have been ridiculously shy, so how would you know if they like you or not?"

I didn't know what to say. Edward always spoke to me as if I was the most important person in his life, never raising his voice or sounding so harsh that I wanted to hide from him, but at that moment, he made me cringe.

"Okay."

"Okay? What do you mean 'okay'?"

"Just that. Okay. I'm not letting the conversation get out of hand, like you said previously. So... I listened to you and that's it."

"You're not making any sense, Bella."

"I'm just not fighting you on anything you said. You're right, you're young and you deserve a vacation. And my dad wouldn't let you see me if you came here. And I shouldn't expect you to sit around and wait for me to arrive. And yes, you always tell me to ignore Rose. And you're right, I am too shy around your friends, mainly because I hear the whispers and get the looks like I'm completely out of place around them... and I have no idea how to start a conversation with them... and I don't know how many times I've told you that I hate being so shy. How I'd love to just be outgoing and start up a good talk with your friends... to make them like me. So that when you go out and party with them, and get so wasted that you don't know what you're doing, they'll make sure that you don't hook up with some skank... because after all, that's how you were in high school. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of girls like Lauren, ready to go down anytime you ask. So anyway, okay. I get your point."

"You're not even making sense. And for the love of God, would you please get over what you walked in on? It's ridiculous. We weren't even together."

"Yes, I'm well aware of that."

"You're being childish right now, Bella."

"And you're being an ass right now, Edward."

"Yep, I'm an ass. I'm an ass because my girlfriend has just sprung this news on me. Yeah, call me crazy but I am disappointed. Did you expect me to be _whatever _about it?"

I heard sobbing from the other room, followed by the sounds of my mom vomiting, once again. "I have to go. Unfortunately, my mother, who is fighting to stay alive, is throwing up again... you know, one of those simple side effects of chemo. I need to go."

"We need to finish this."

"What else is there to say? I can't move to Texas right now. And you're not willing to change your life for me, like I was for you. I don't think there's anything else to discuss." I hadn't meant to bring up the fact that he'd never offered to move to be with me, but that was all I could think about after asking him and receiving his refusal like _I _was important enough.

He didn't say anything, and as much as it killed me, I really did have to get off the phone with him. I felt like it was the end, though. Like if I hung up, we were over.

"When you have something to say to me, call... or email me." And with that, I hung up.

I hurried to the bathroom to check on my mom, finding her on the floor, sitting beside the toilet. She cried as I held her, and I prayed that soon she would be over this and we could go on with our lives like before.

Edward didn't call me back that night and by midnight, I still hadn't received an email from him. Being as quiet as possible, I sat in the den, staring at the bright computer screen as I tried to find the words I needed to tell him. His silence spoke volumes to me.

**.**

**From: Swan, Isabella**  
**To: Cullen, Edward  
Date: April 3****rd****, 2000 12: 32 AM**  
**Subject: ?**

_Edward,_

_I don't know how long my mom is going to be sick – if this isn't going to be her only battle with cancer or if she's going to be free and clear of it soon. But I do know that I needed you to support me through this time. You have in the past... but the minute I tell you that I have to stay here for her, you completely changed into a person that I didn't quite know. I'm hurt and needing you, but I need the you that loves me regardless of how far away I am and never gives me any doubt about how long you'll wait to be with me. _

_I don't know where to go from here._

_Bella_

_**.**_

**From: Cullen, Edward**  
**To: Swan, Isabella  
Date: April 3****rd****, 2000 12:44 AM**  
**Subject: Re: ?**

_Well, if that's how you feel, then maybe we need some time to figure out things. _

_I love you, Bella. And when I say that, I mean it with everything that I am. Nothing will ever change that. I need you... and I want you here with me. Forgive me for being upset over this drastic change that you threw at me today. I was unprepared in what I said earlier and I should have thought through the things I said because nothing came out right. We're fighting now, and I feel as though you're not understanding where I'm coming from. I can't just up and leave school. It's not an option or me. I would in a heartbeat if I could, Bella. I want to be with you... closer to you so that I can show you in person every single day, how much I love you._

_Take some time to think things over. Just try to forget about our call earlier – please. It was a mess and... I'm sorry._

_Love,_

_Edward_

**.**

**From: Swan, Isabella**  
**To: Cullen, Edward  
Date: April 3****rd****, 2000 1:07 AM**  
**Subject: Re: Re: ?**

_I don't need time to think things over. Your true feelings were shown earlier... your true side that can be hurtful and mean. _

_I don't have time for a relationship right now. My mom needs me and I can't be arguing with you over the phone every time you get mad that I'm not doing something you wanted me to do. _

_And you love me? Really? Because I fought with my parents about being with you – leaving home to be with you. And look where it got me? My mother nearly died and I spent the last several months ignoring her because I was in love with a boy who won't even consider disappointing his parents to move out of state to be with me. I __**hate**__ myself for that._

_My love for you has always been real... the kind that would do anything to be with you. The kind that expected your full support during this horrible time in my life. And now I see everything you've ever told me, while trying to be supportive, was a lie. You are only supportive to a point. I'm expected to make the big changes and come to you... and if I don't, then you're angry with me and act as though I'm overreacting about my mother's illness. _

_Find someone there who will make you happy. We weren't strong enough to make it work this far apart. _

_Bella_

_**.**_

I couldn't breathe as I hit send.

It was over.

I was done.

We were done.

And I wondered now what I would look forward to everyday.

No sweet emails from Edward.

No phone calls, listening to him call me _baby_.

No future. No family. No life with him.

Nothing.

I had _nothing_.

I couldn't take much more of this life.

* * *

Still with me? Thoughts? Hate me? Sorry.

**Mega thanks to my beta, Jen328 - her comments, suggestions, etc. are the best. She's the best. ILY. (go read her story, Following Faith!) ...And huge thanks to Teacher1209 and Jadsmama for pre-reading and helping get me through these tough chapters. Love you girls!**

Next chapter... it'll be sometime next week. I'll post a teaser on Twitter soon. **JenGreen03 **on twitter.

Thanks for reading... and sticking with me through the long delays and heartache. I promise it'll get better.

Recs:

There is a Light by belladonnacullen - updates every Friday. Must read.

Following Faith by Jen328 - updates every Monday. Extreme must read because she's the best.

Outbound by aftrnoondlght - updates every Monday. Swoony Edward... just so, so, sooo good. Another must read.


	16. New

**disclaimer: sm owns twilight.**

* * *

**-O-**

_April 2000_

_._

Edward didn't fight for me.

The following week, each time I walked out of the school, I expected him to be outside in his truck, waiting for me. But he was never there. He never called or sent me an email. And it hurt so much that there were times I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I wrote that final email to him knowing that I couldn't handle being apart from him; I didn't realize how hard long distance relationships were until everything around me started falling apart. I _needed _him now, more than ever. I wanted to spend my life with him, go away to school with him and be a normal teenager, but it just wasn't going to happen for me. Watching my mother get sicker every day wasn't an ideal life. I had too much to deal with at home, and I could just see that it would be nothing but fighting and bitterness between Edward and me if we attempted the long distance relationship much longer.

After I realized that he wasn't willing to move to be with me, I was so hurt and angry that I couldn't think clearly. It was like I'd just realized that I probably cared about him more than he did me.

"That'll be three-twenty-six even, sweetie," Mr. Blair said, snapping me out of my constant _Edward _daze.

My dad was at the high school, setting up for our senior banquet while I went to the pharmacy to pick my mom's monthly medications and supplies. The new owners had just moved to town and were already friendly, always making compliments that I was such a dutiful and helpful daughter.

Handing over my mom's credit card, I smiled slightly. "Thank you, sir."

"You need help carrying this out?"

"No, that's okay, I–"

He interrupted, just as a tall blond rounded the corner. "My son, Garrett – he'll be glad to help you with this. Won't you, son?"

I couldn't help but notice Garrett's striking blue eyes as he smiled at me, then gave a small wink. "Absolutely."

**-O-**

_May_

_._

I checked my email every day. I even checked the answering machine, just in case.

The night of my graduation, I scanned the crowded gym a million times, praying he'd show up. He was all about grand gestures, and showing up out of the blue to surprise me for graduation was definitely something he'd do. Instead, Alice and Jasper came, along with my aunt and uncle from Texarkana. Usually, we would have fun together –my mom, Alice, her mom, and I– but this time we didn't. It was almost as though my aunt was afraid it would be the last time she'd see my mom alive.

"I'm so sorry, Bell," Alice whispered as we lay on my bed, after I'd sobbed through my break-up with Edward. "I think he was just overwhelmed with everything going on and so were you... someday, when things settle down, you two will find your way back. I just know it."

"I don't know if I could forgive him now," I murmured. "He just let me go. Not that I was trying to make him feel obligated to do whatever I wanted... but I was so upset writing that email... he had to know, I just don't understand why he couldn't give a little to be with me."

"I know, babe... I'm still mad at him over that."

I hated being this weepy person. The kind of person I was after Angela died. I _hated _not being in control of my emotions. "And I miss you guys so much. I hate it here. It's just so miserable, Al... I can't take it."

Her hand smoothed over my hair as she cried along with me. "I hate being so far away... I wish I could help somehow."

My dad, though shocked and surprised, didn't complain about Alice and Jasper being there for my graduation. My mom had some kind of hold over him, always giving him _the look _when he started to get angry. She knew I needed Alice.

**-O-**

_June_

_._

I was in the middle of paying for my purchases at the pharmacy when my mom called my new cell phone. She'd fallen in the bathroom and was so weak that she couldn't pull herself up. I rushed out of the store and hurried home, hoping I didn't get stopped by one of the local cops.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Mom said as I lifted her from the tile floor, only to discover that her forearm was swelling already.

"Stop, Mom. You have nothing to be sorry for." She hated asking for my help, though she had to constantly. No matter how tired or depressed I was, I never let it show. I was mentally and physically exhausted, though. And the sadness I felt over Edward seemed to increase each day. I felt lost without him.

She cringed when she tried to move her arm. "I think it might be broken..."

"ER or try the clinic?" I hated asking because I knew my mom was so sick of the hospital, she hated to go back there.

"Let's just drive by the clinic and see if they can check this out..."

As I gathered her things – list of medications, insurance card, etc. – there was a knock at the door. Annoyed and feeling overwhelmed, I hurried to the door, swinging it open roughly.

Garrett stood before me, holding up my bag of things that I hadn't finished paying for. "I, uh... I figured you needed these."

Speechless. I had no idea what to say. "But I didn't pay yet," I replied awkwardly.

He smiled, giving me his signature wink. "I'm pretty sure it's guaranteed that you're a paying customer, Bella."

"Thank you, really... I appreciate this so–"

"Bella, honey, can you get my jacket in the–" my mom began as she stumbled around the corner.

I rushed over to her, afraid that she might fall again. Blushing when she saw Garrett standing in the doorway, she quietly asked who our guest was. Suddenly feeling shy, I explained that I hadn't finished paying for her medications when she called and he so kindly brought it over to us. Her smile was shining bright over his thoughtfulness. And when he carried the bag into our kitchen, even offering to grab her sweater from the closet, my mom whispered how cute she thought he was.

By that time, my mom knew that Edward and I had broken up and I was still extremely upset over it. I had no interest in dating anyone else, but she immediately suggested that I give Garrett a chance. Anyone who would do something as sweet as he had was bound to be a decent guy – someone she thought I should befriend and possibly more.

I ignored her quiet suggestions and focused on getting her into the car. However, once we stumbled our way to the car with Garrett following behind us, I realized that I'd locked my keys in the car. My dad was the only person with a spare, and I really didn't feel like calling him while he was teaching his summer school class.

Garrett insisted on driving us to where we needed to go, and my mom gushed like a crazy person. She just wanted me to be happy, but I tried my best to ignore his sweetness. Like my relationship with Edward, I didn't have time to focus on anything else but my mom.

**-O-**

_August_

_._

"I'm going camping with some friends this weekend... you wanna come? They're pretty cool, really fun to be around," Garrett offered, so sincere and sweet.

It was painfully obvious that I had no one. "I can't... my mom..."

Nodding, Garrett smiled, seeming a bit disappointed. "I understand. You just seem like you need a break sometimes."

To me, a break meant my mom had died or was dead. There was no good ending in sight. I had lost all hope. I'd take spending my life at home, being bored and not associating with anyone my age, _any day, _if it meant my mom would survive this cancer. "Since it's summer, my dad's at home with her all day... so he needs a break at night."

"Do your brothers _ever _help out? I've never seen them come by the store to pick up stuff for her..." Everyone around town knew my brothers were assholes who cared only about their perfect little lives – even Garrett, who'd been in town for less than a year.

I rolled my eyes, signaling my distaste with them.

"That's what I figured... anyway, if you change your mind, call me. I'll come pick you up whenever you want," he said, smoothly sliding his card to me – with his personal cellular phone scribbled on the back.

I thanked him, and he followed me out of the store, carrying my mom's nasty supplemental drinks that she had to force down every day.

I hated my life.

**-O-**

_October_

_._

My mom had been back home for a week after being released from the hospital following her second surgery. It was an exploratory surgery, where they found a cancerous tumor, yet again. Another round of chemotherapy had already began, and I seriously considered quitting school so I could be there to take care of her all day, every day.

That idea didn't go over too well with her. She begged me to stay in school and said she'd force me if she had to. I knew school was important, but how I was suppose to focus on classes when I worried about what was going on at home an hour away?

"Trick or treat!" my nieces and nephew yelled as I opened the door to their excited knocking.

My mom slowly walked to the entryway, gushing over their cute costumes while I filled their buckets with candy. We laughed and chatted with my sister-in-law while my brother went to visit with my dad. It was just a regular night, easy and laid-back, until my sister-in-law noticed that my mom's eyes were nearly rolling in the back of her head. She passed out seconds later, causing my nieces and nephews to scream. I screamed silently on the inside while I called nine-one-one.

I panicked when she wouldn't wake up. Out of absolute fear, I lightly slapped the side of her face – a horrible moment of desperation on my part.

"She's breathing, Bell," Paul assured me, pressing his ear to her chest. "Weak pulse, but she's going to be okay."

It turned out that she was severely dehydrated.

She apologized profusely, hating that she worried me so much. I knew she wasn't holding down much, but I didn't realize she wasn't drinking enough. I felt like such a failure for not keeping up with that kind of stuff. She could have died, all because I wasn't taking good enough care of her.

It was times like those that I wished I had Edward to talk to. I wanted to tell him everything I was worried or upset about and be consoled by his sweet and caring voice.

**-O-**

_December_

_._

Determined and unwilling to turn back, I decided a few days before Christmas to go to Edward – to tell him that I wanted us to try again. I had fought off my feelings for too long and couldn't take it anymore. If he wasn't going to come to me, I was going to go to him.

Unfortunately, I arrived at his house just as a bad winter storm was hitting, only to find he wasn't home. Rose, Emmett and a few of his friends were there at his parents' home. He was "out", according to Rose, and his parents were at a dinner party. The whole thing really didn't make sense to me, his friends being there when Edward wasn't, but I knew everyone sort of hung out at his house, so her explanation was slightly believable.

Before leaving my boring secretarial job, I had written him a letter, in case I wasn't able to form actual words to tell him how I felt when I saw him. It sounded so whiney and clingy and needy, but the honest truth was I needed him more than ever – and more than anyone.

.

_Edward,_

_I love you. _

_I gave up. I gave us up. And I should have fought. We could have made it work. I would have visited during breaks or weekends and we could have planned on spending the summer together. It would have worked. _

_I'm so sorry. _

_Please know that sending you that email was the worst thing I'd ever done. You are the only person who can put a smile on my face without even trying. I need you – more than ever now – and I was a fool to let our relationship go. _

_If you think there is any chance for us, please... let's try. I miss you so much._

_You once told me you'd never give up on us... and I said the same. Well, I haven't. I know we were more than just a usual teen relationship. Please tell me you still feel that way._

_Love Always,_

_Bella_

.

With the letter tightly clasped in my hand, I politely asked if Rose would give him my letter. Emmett was around and I couldn't really imagine him doing something to make Edward mad, so I trusted that it would be given to him.

"I'll give it to him... but you need to understand that he's happy. _Really happy_... and I think it'd be best if you just let him be," Rose said, trying to sound sincere, but the sneer in her voice was obvious. "I mean, let the poor guy enjoy himself, Bella. This is going to put him back in the funk that Emmett and I tried so hard to get him out of."

I wasn't going to budge, though. "He'll want to hear from me, I assure you," I said confidently. "Just give him the letter... or better yet, why don't I just wait here until he gets back."

"I think that'd be a bad idea. He's on a date," she said as my heart stopped. An evil grin spread across her face. She'd won. She accomplished her goal of hurting me. "You see, he finally gave in to going out with my cousin, Tanya. You remember her, right?"

I didn't answer, but she continued. "And again, I'm telling you he's happier than ever. But I'll give him this little note... maybe he'll be okay."

Emmett appeared in the doorway, standing behind Rose. "We'll get it to him," he said in a less than friendly tone.

"Thank you," I replied, relieved and ready to get away from Edward's two closest friends.

I left Marshall, trying to beat the horrible ice storm that was making national news. I slid all over the dark highway and cried the entire way back to Colorado, stopping only for gas. If I ate anything, I would have vomited because my stomach was in knots after hearing that Edward was on a date with someone. After being pursued by Garrett for several months, I never considered going out with him, even though it would have been so easy. He was there and friendly with me, and was extremely nice to my mother when we'd run into him in town. But I resisted because I couldn't stand to think of kissing anyone but Edward.

And he was on a date. A date with _Tanya_.

Tanya was just another Lauren.

Wondering what they were doing and if he made small gestures to impress her like he did me, killed me. No matter how hard I tried to stop thinking about it, I couldn't. For fifteen hours, alone in my car, I cried, screamed, yelled and prayed that he'd get my letter and choose me.

As I got closer to Salida, I finally called my mom. She was worried sick over my abrupt absence. I hadn't told anyone where I was going – only Alice – and she was sworn to secrecy, even though my dad really had no say in what I was doing anymore. I worked and made my own money, paid my own car payment and insurance – I even offered to pay rent while I went to school, but my mom practically screamed at that suggestion.

I arrived Christmas Eve morning, apologizing to my mom as soon as I walked inside the house. She wasn't mad that I had to get away, but was worried since I hadn't told her what was going on. Even though I felt like I could tell her the truth, I didn't. I was too ashamed that I went to Edward to beg for his forgiveness when he was so obviously moving on with his life.

**-O-**

_February 2001_

_._

For six weeks, I held out hope that he'd contact me, but he didn't.

Valentine's Day of 2001, I received a delivery of a dozen red roses. My heart raced as I opened the card, sure it was from Edward. Only he would do something so sweet and romantic on Valentine's Day. But it wasn't from him.

_Consider having dinner_

_with me? _

_I can't hold back on my feelings for you_

_much longer, Bella. _

_Garrett_

Tired of hurting and feeling so alone and unwanted, I gave in. I called him, expressing my thanks for the flowers, and he offered to pick me up at seven. I wore my black wrap dress that I'd bought for graduation, along with the uncomfortable heels that Alice had given me for one of my dates with Edward.

With a fake smile, I answered the door to find Garrett, his wide smile and blue eyes shining with excitement that I'd finally given in. My mom cooed and practically squealed at how handsome of a couple we made. She even made my dad take a picture of us together, like it was the prom I never made it to. My dad met Garrett during one of the few times that he picked up medications for my mom, and instantly approved. He couldn't stop talking about what a great young man he was. And now I was going on a date with Garrett, receiving my dad's approval for probably the first time in my life. The anger I felt for my dad, approving of me dating Garrett was unbearable. Garrett had just graduated college with a degree in Business Administration. He was _older_ than Edward. And my dad was _okay _with that? Unbelievable. I don't think my dad ever liked Edward to begin with, and I never understood why.

"Ready?" Garrett asked as he held his hand out, breaking up the picture fest my parents were having.

Ready to get out of the house and away from my dad, I took his hand as Garrett led us out of the house, promising not to keep me out too late. My dad was so enthralled by Garrett; I figured he'd probably encourage me to stay out all night with him.

What I expected to be a horrible date, one where I constantly thought about Edward and who he was with, turned out to be quite the opposite. Garrett took me to a local diner to have a piece of red velvet cake before dinner. And dinner was at his apartment, which kind of made me nervous. But during the months of him persuading me to go out with him, he'd become a pretty good friend. He flirted casually as he cooked a steak and baked potato on the grill on his balcony while it snowed. Even though he was on the second floor, the snow was practically blowing sideways as another blizzard was hitting Salida, and he stood in that freezing weather just to make me dinner. We laughed through dinner and talked about anything and everything, keeping my mind off of Edward and my mom for the first time in a really long time.

"You complained so much about watching this movie, I think you're really enjoying it," I commented after catching him actually enjoying the hard-core chick-flick he'd most likely rented to impress me.

"Well, it's definitely more enjoyable because you're here with me... I'll do anything to see you smile, Bella." With his sweet words and the slightest brush of his fingertips along the back of my hand, I felt cared for.

Severely broken and fighting to have a normal life where I didn't obsess over Edward every single second, I let Garrett in. He would never be Edward – nobody would ever compare to Edward, but Edward didn't want me and I had to face that.

As hard as it was to admit, it was time to move on.

**-O-**

* * *

I'm sorry? Hope you're not all hating me too much. Let me know your thoughts!

I've been dying for someone to update all weekend and finally decided to do it myself a little earlier than usual. I'll post a teaser for the next chapter sometime this week via Twitter: **JenGreen03**.

Thanks a million to my beta, Jen328 for her LAN (ILY), and to my pre-readers, Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. LY girls!

Fic Recs:

**Following Faith** by _Jen328 _- Leaving the rain behind, Bella starts over in a small, coastal town. One glimpse of her and Edward is lost. Is it love at first sight or something more? A story of risking your heart - risking it all - to discover what you had all along. AH, rated M. _**... Every time I hear **_**Marry Me _by Train on the radio, I can't stop thinking about this story. It's so romantic and she is a brilliant writer. She updates every Monday, even when Hurricane Irene was being a bitch to her. (I'm going to keep reccomending until everyone reads it) :)_**

**Words With Friends **by _Nolebucgrl - _Bella Swan has a major crush on a major star, Edward Cullen. They have an obsession with the same game. Can they connect through Words with Friends and become more than that? Time will tell! Rated M for possible lemons down the line and some language. **... _This story updates every Friday and all day, I'm checking my email repeatedly for the alert. Read it... I'm dying for these two to meet or talk on the phone. DYING. And it has a companion story: Words With Strangers, all EPOV, and equally as great._**

**The Slowest Burn **by _TypoKween - _360 : He took my underwear, hung them from his back pocket, then said, "These are mine." - AH, E/B, Lemons. **... _I just started reading this today after seeing someone tweet about it, and couldn't put it down. I love high school fics and all the drama that comes along with that age. Good/Bad memories, I guess. :) 15 chapters, and very addictive - check it out! _**

**_._**

**_If you've found a good story that you haven't seen me talking about on Twitter, please rec it to me. I feel like I've read almost everything out there._**

**_._**

Thanks for reading! See you all in a week (or so). ****


	17. Home

disclaimer: sm owns twilight.

* * *

**-O-**

_**2011**_

_**Present Day**_

_._

"Momma, why do you _always_ take pictures of the moon?" Macy asked, yawning as we lay on the trampoline.

I shrugged and snuggled closer to her, pulling the sleeping bag over my arms. She'd begged all day for us to camp outside, but it had to be on the trampoline because she was terrified of spiders on the ground. We usually built a small fort in our living room once a month, but for once I agreed to be outside.

"I think it's pretty."

"It is, but..."

It was a subject that was too hard to explain. Edward once said we'd always be under the same moon, no matter how far apart we were, and I found comfort in that on nights I felt lonely. There was no way I could begin to explain that to my young daughter.

"When I was your age, I wanted to be an astronaut and walk on the moon," I lied, hoping that would change the subject.

"That's silly, Momma! Only boys can go in space!"

That outlook on life was strictly from my dad's way of thinking. "Oh, no, sweetie. Women can do anything they want... be whatever they want to be."

"I wanna be a doctor someday," Macy exclaimed. As the words left her mouth, her smile turned into a frown. "I want to find a pill that makes cancer go away."

It'd been two weeks since my mom died, and we were both having a hard time with her death. Macy idolized her Nanny, and learned too early in life what it was like to lose someone you love. I constantly had to reassure her that I was healthy and cancer-free. I hated that she was exposed to such heartache at her young age.

To add to her stress, Garrett and I had been divorced for a few months, but we remained friends. Staying friends with him was the only thing that made the process easier on Macy. But that's what our marriage was made up of to begin with – friendship. I found out soon after we were married that the short-lived sparks had died, leaving us as roommates. But by the time I realized that we should end things before they went any further, it was too late.

**-O-**

_**2003**_

_._

I think I rushed into marrying Garrett because I had this fear that my mom wouldn't be alive to see me get married. I wanted to walk down the aisle and see her standing at the front, smiling with pride. And she was, the day I married Garrett. He was nice, respectable and able to provide a good life for me. I truly cared for Garrett, but it wasn't enough. I always knew it wasn't the kind of love you're supposed to have for your husband, but it was the closest I would get to true love. He was my friend – one of my best friends – and I loved him in that way. I thought that was enough.

A few months after we were married, we had already started fighting. Bickering over every little thing – laundry, dinner, the usual. I figured it was normal, but sometimes it was too much. He'd stay out late with his friends while I took care of my mom. He managed his dad's pharmacy and bought a few other small businesses in town, making him one of the most successful young men Salida had ever seen. We lived comfortably even with Garrett's obsession with his sports car that I hated.

And then I found out I was pregnant.

The day I had worked up the nerve to tell him I thought we should divorce, I'd had a regular check up with my doctor that left me in shock and feeling stuck.

Pregnant.

I was diligent with my birth control pill, knowing that a baby would just complicate things. I needed to be healthy and _without-child_ in order to properly care for my mom.

I told her first and she was thrilled. I knew one of her fears was that she'd never meet my future children, and with her latest cancer screening coming back clear, my news excited her even more. She still had a long way to go – lots of recuperation and constant testing, but for the time being, she didn't have cancer, which was a major relief.

"You'll be a terrific mother, baby!" my mom said, making me laugh that she called me _baby _and a _mother_ in the same sentence.

Garrett was ecstatic. He promised to change; promised that he'd be home early every night and that he'd stop taking on so much work so he could focus more on our marriage. I took his promises to heart and hoped he'd stay true to his word.

**-O-**

_**2007**_

_**.**_

Christmas Eve morning, Garrett walked into Macy's room as I was getting her dressed for the day. "How old is daddy's little girl today?"

"Fwee!" Macy said, but held up two fingers. I held up three fingers, correcting her. She giggled and focused on raising another finger. "And Santa Caus coming tonight, daddy!"

I hated holidays. Garrett's parents were nice, but the rest of his family was horrible. His aunt liked to pick on everything about me my clothes, my hair, my cooking. Everything. Garrett didn't like her either; none of his family did, but nobody, including my husband, stood up to her.

We spent Christmas Eve with his side of the family and Christmas day with mine. And my parents' house wasn't much better. I despised my brothers and still had a very strained relationship with my dad. But I tried to stay positive – always thankful that I still had my mom.

"Can we go see the lights tonight, momma?" Garrett and I made it a tradition to go see the Christmas lights around town on our way back from his family's house. It sort of cooled me off. I was usually raging after we left there, so I was up for anything to get my mind off of the evening I'd had to endure. In fact, I went into labor three years before as Garrett tried to cheer me up. My water broke in his fancy sports car, and an hour later, I gave birth to my beautiful Christmas baby.

"Of course, baby," I sighed, wishing I could go back to bed. Macy woke us up at four, wishing it was Christmas morning and time to open her presents.

"Mommy, you look really pretty this morning," Garrett said, already sucking up, preparing me for the day I was facing.

I smiled and stuck my tongue out at him and his annoying camera, recording me with my tired eyes and messy morning hair. Things between Garrett and me were better, though we still had little arguments every now and then. For the most part, we got along, but we weren't in love. We probably never were.

I knew what love was. _That _kind of love was indescribable. The kind of love that breaks your heart and leaves you feeling empty when it's gone. I wondered if I would ever get over _him._ Christmastime brought up so many memories of him and our special time together. And I was left wondering what he was doing and who he was spending his holiday with. Did he ever think of me? Why didn't he forgive me? Why?

"Love you, mommy," Macy whispered, kissing my cheek.

That girl... she was my everything.

**-O-**

_**2009**_

_**.**_

When the cancer returned, the doctor gave us little hope for another recovery. Instead of fighting it like she had before, she started making plans. Funeral arrangements, modifying her will, and meeting with Hospice nurses... those were the kind of plans we made. My mom told me before she passed that she wanted me to use the money she was leaving me to move closer to Alice. Regardless of how much I tried to hide my marital problems, my mom knew. She practically forced me to talk to her. I gave in the night I found out that Garrett had "messed around" with his secretary at his latest successful company. No matter what pain my mom was going through, she always comforted me.

After hearing of his infidelity, my mom, who once adored Garrett, strongly disliked him.

I couldn't stay married to a man who cheated on me. If he wanted to be free, then I wasn't going to stand in his way. We divorced quietly and civilly, even though the entire town talked of our separation. My dad wasn't pleased at all, as though he had any say in anything that I did. Garrett's parents were supportive as always, though his mother was extremely angry with him. He didn't deny his wrongdoings and took all of the blame. We were both guilty of marrying too soon, I felt. And I was guilty of loving someone else - never letting Garrett in all the way. Regardless, we had a beautiful daughter and we both loved her more than anything.

**-O-**

_**2011**_

_**Present Day**_

_**.**_

Everyone knew of my plans to move to Texas after my mom passed. I refused to live in Colorado without her there. Alice and Jasper already had everything planned out for me to arrive in Texas, and I was extremely grateful for their help. Their old house that I visited all those years ago was empty – only rented out occasionally, but in the last year they didn't rent it at all to keep it free for me anytime I needed it. We all knew my mom wasn't going to last much longer – we just didn't know when.

Jasper was the IT specialist for several state agencies in Texarkana and put in a good word for me with one of the bosses at the local CPS office. They didn't even require that I go there for an interview. Instead, I had a phone interview, and once my background check came back the next day, I got a call asking when I could start. It all happened so fast, but I was ready for it – I needed to get away from the painful reminders I had to deal with everyday in Salida.

Garrett stayed up for two nights with me, boxing up everything and loading it onto the U-Haul trailer. He was so worried about me pulling the trailer with my SUV, but after assuring him several times that I would be fine, he relented.

"Are you sure about this, B? Starting over... it's going to be tough." I didn't know what was harder, being so far away and basically starting a new life, or staying in Salida and dealing with the worst pain imaginable. Garrett supported me, though I was sure he would be so busy with his girlfriend that he probably felt relieved that I was leaving.

I nodded, sipping the hot chocolate he'd brought over to me. "I know it'll be hard... but I have to. I've wanted to get out of this place for so long, and you'll be busy anyway..." He was already in a relationship with _the _secretary. His infidelity hurt more than I'd expected, but I couldn't really blame him. We weren't in love – we probably never were – and my heart would always belong to someone else.

"Just promise you'll visit Macy. I know you've been busy with work, but she's counting on you to always be there for her, to make the most of the monthly visits, to not let them become unimportant." Garrett loved Macy very much, but he kept his mind on furthering his career, expanding and developing new businesses constantly – so much that I sometimes had to remind him that he did indeed have a daughter. Since the divorce, he'd been making an actual effort to be there for her more.

And for me. At my mother's funeral, he held my hand just as he always did through some of the doctor's appointments, surgeries, and countless hospital stays. Even though we were divorced, he was there the night she died, waiting outside her room as I wept and told her to let go. He wasn't a good husband, but he had always been a good friend.

"I promise I will. I've made mistakes in the past, and I have to deal with the consequences of those mistakes now... just have some faith in me. I know it's a lot to ask of you, of all people..."

I bumped my shoulder against his and smiled slightly. "Stop. The past is the past... just focus on the future. I trust that you'll do the right thing." I was so tired of remembering all the bad things and just ready to move on with my life. "Can you get Mace for me though? She's getting so heavy."

Macy had fallen asleep on the front porch swing while Garrett and I worked. I hoped she would sleep late because I planned on sleeping for most of the day and leaving for Texas later that night. I loved traveling at night – the sky full of stars and reminding me of road trips with Edward in the past.

**-O-**

"Ah!" Alice screamed from the porch as Jasper laughed beside her. She ran down the steps and was standing beside my window before I could even get the car in park. "You're finally here!"

I was in such a hurry to get there that we made it in record time. Macy loved road trips, so the long ride didn't bother her at all. As long as she had her movie going at all times and my iPhone to play with, she was set.

Not surprisingly, Alice skipped over giving me a hug as I exited and grabbed Macy instead. She adored Macy more than anything. Jasper chuckled and gave me a tight hug, asking how the weather was coming down. We made small talk while Alice and Macy were already making plans to go shopping in Dallas the next day.

"Get over here, B!" Alice squealed, stopping her deep conversation with Macy as she hugged me, her protruding belly pressing tightly against me. "It's so good to have you home, finally!"

Alice knew every last detail of my life in Colorado. She knew the only place I ever felt at home was in Texas. My relationship with my father never improved, only worsened, especially during my mom's last few days. It was as if he was angry that she and I had such a close bond; as if he was jealous. She'd asked everyone to leave the room the night she died, so that we could have a few minutes alone. I promised her that I would be okay without her; I knew she was hanging on just for me. It was a heart-wrenching talk that I would never forget.

Upon entering the house, I discovered that Alice had lied just a bit. She said they left behind their old furniture for renters in case it was needed; only it wasn't their old furniture. It was a brand new couch, loveseat, tables, a kitchen table, and even a new bedroom suite for Macy. We'd sold most of our furniture back in Colorado as I planned on buying new things, including a new bed for Macy. I felt bad for moving her so far away from the only life she knew and promised to find the perfect princess bed for her. Her newly decorated room was over-the-top. And I was amazed.

"I know it looks like we did a lot, but the walls were already this color... for Kaitlyn." They had suffered through three miscarriages and one stillborn baby. Kaitlyn was two months away from entering this world, with the best parents awaiting her arrival, but she didn't make it. They later found that she had a heart defect that had made it impossible for her to ever have a chance at surviving. For two years, Alice refused to consider having another baby, but finally gave in. She was currently eight months pregnant, and had a husband who was obsessed with watching her every move, breath, sigh and sneeze.

"It's perfect!" Macy screamed, running to her bed and jumping on it, surrounded by the many pink and purple pillows Alice had placed there.

Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I smiled watching my little girl smile – an actual, genuine smile. She had been so upset over my Mom, I didn't think I'd see her _happy _like that for a long while. "It really is perfect, Al... I can't thank you enough."

"I had to do something to keep you girls here," she replied, practically glowing.

"Believe me, I'm not leaving. Especially after seeing all this nice _used _furniture..."

"Yeah, we kept it in pretty good shape, huh?" Alice said, not willing to admit anything just yet.

"Yep, and you still left the tag hanging from the side of the couch... really good shape if you ask me."

I laughed heartily as she stomped her foot and glared at Jasper. "The tag! Seriously, Jas, you missed the _gigantic _sales tag?"

Yes, I was definitely home.

**-O-**

Jasper and Alice tried to get Macy and me to sleep at their place our first night, but Macy really wanted to sleep in her new bed, so we stayed at our new home instead. After Jasper and I set up my bed and carried in a few boxes, Alice and I got a chance to catch up while waiting for pizza to be delivered.

"I have to tell you something because I'm almost positive you'll find out someday... Jasper ran into Edward a few months ago," Alice said, rushing out the words as she stared at the bedspread. My heart ached with the mention of his name. "I wanted to tell you before, but there was just so much going on... and I didn't know if you'd want to know... it's just..."

"Just what?" I asked, feeling clammy and nervous.

"They kind of meet up once a month or so... to play football or baseball with their friends... and Jasper is the network admin for Edward's office." I didn't mind that they hung out together, but I felt awkward that Alice and Jasper felt like they had to hide it from me. "See, Jasper is in this baseball league... and he was playing in a tournament against Edward. They didn't realize that they hung out with the same network of guy friends until then. We just didn't want you to feel betrayed that Jasper was kind of friends with Edward..."

"I don't mind at all," I said, my voice a little higher than normal. "That's good that they're friends."

"Yeah, I guess... but B, they aren't like best friends... and Jasper's loyalties still lie with you, of course. In fact, Edward has asked about you and Jasper just gave him the basics, but said he'd like to keep you out of their conversations. He didn't feel like it was fair to discuss you with Edward... if that makes sense."

I nodded, my entire body feeling like it was on fire. "Really, it's no big deal. How's he doing?"

"Pretty good, from what I've heard. He took over his dad's office a while ago, but just moved to a different location... he hired Jas to set up the network and handle all of their IT mumbo-jumbo junk."

I knew that Edward had recently settled down and took over his dad's practice, but I didn't know much more than that. I stalked his Facebook profile on a regular basis, making me feel like the most pathetic person ever.

Alice frowned, biting her lip. "He really has pestered Jas about you... trying to find out what you've been up to and whatnot. But the way we both see it, he could contact you himself... especially considering how you reached out to him before and he couldn't even pick up the damn phone to talk to you. So yeah, I'm still a little bitter toward Edward." I'd let go of my bitterness long ago, feeling as though there was no one to blame but the horrible situation that we were thrown into.

"It just wasn't the right time for us... I wasn't strong enough to handle everything going on, and he had his own things to worry about. I'm just glad he's doing so well." No matter how old I was or how many years had passed, my heart still ached when I thought about our break up. Even though I lost him, I still wouldn't have changed anything. I couldn't have left my mother and regardless of all the pain I'd been through, I had Macy. I would never regret my actions when they'd given me her. She was the best part of my life.

**-O-**

Over the next few months, Macy and I settled into our new home, new school and new job. We had a wonderful support system with Alice, Jasper and Alice's parents there to help all along the way. Alice gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy in the fall, and though she had her hands full with him, she insisted on picking up Macy from school every day since she didn't work.

I loved my life in Texas. I still ached for my mother to be alive, wishing she was there to give me advice, but that pain would never go away. It helped to be around people who actually cared about me. My aunt was still struggling with Mom's death, but always tried to stay strong for me.

Garrett visited once a month, taking Macy for a weekend trip and always bringing her back with a carload of toys that she didn't need, along with a huge smile on her pretty face. Life was good for both of us.

But being in Texas, I was surrounded by so many memories of Edward that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape him. Jasper and Alice never spoke of him, always keeping quiet if Jasper had a game that Edward would be at. Or if he had to travel to Marshall for the day to fix something in Edward's office, they never mentioned a thing. Alice did assure me that Jasper hadn't told Edward that I was living in Texas, not that it would have mattered to him anyway. I just didn't want him to think I was expecting anything from him. I knew we were over and there was no way to get back to where we'd been.

But that didn't stop me from wishing I could see him.

Just once – a quick peek into his life, but without him seeing me.

I soon found out that I was the world's worst amateur stalker.

**-O-**

* * *

Thanks for reading!

As always, huge thanks to Jen328 for being an awesome beta and friend. And big thanks to Teacher1209 and Jadsmama for pre-reading!

Sorry for the delay. My mom has progressive Parkinson's disease, and she has her good weeks and bad weeks. This past few were terrible. When things like that are going home, I don't even think about opening my laptop. I just don't want you guys to think I'm just 'whatever' about this story. I love writing this story - it's my favorite. And it will be completed. I promise. :) Many of you send messages that you're praying for me and my family and I can't thank y'all enough. **FFPassion_, _**you are one of the sweetest people I've 'met' in this fandom.

Again, thanks for reading. The next chapter is almost finished, so I don't think there will be any delays.

One last thing before I go... as you all have heard, Texas (my beautiful state) has been in a horrible drought, leading to many wildfires, destroying _many _homes. Ysar has set up **Fandom for Texas Wildfire Relief**. Here's the website you can go to for more info: www(dot)texasfires(dot)ysar(info) ... I'm contributing a one-shot from UtSM, along with many other authors who've signed up.

Have a great week!


	18. Shock

disclaimer: sm owns twilight.

* * *

**-O-**

_**Bella**_

"Ali, Ali! We're going to see a million Christmas lights!"

Alice practically dragged me out of the house at three o'clock in the morning on Black Friday to go shopping, so she agreed to go with Macy and me to see the lights in Marshall. Brandon, her sweet baby boy, was spending the evening with his daddy, watching football and the history channel, while we had a girls' night out.

Macy spent most of the day asking questions about where we were going and what we would do when we got there. I figured she'd be most excited to see Santa, but instead, she was ecstatic over getting to see so many Christmas lights. Like me and my Mom, Macy loved Christmas time. I couldn't wait for her to see everything in Marshall, even though it was going to bring up so many old memories.

"You little stinker," Alice said as she looked at something on her phone.

I turned from the kitchen sink, trying to get our Thanksgiving mess cleaned up before we left. We spent Thanksgiving with my aunt, but when Macy and I got home that evening, we had a little dinner by ourselves. Macy picked out her favorite fancy champagne glasses and poured sparkling cider for both of us as we toasted to a perfect holiday. I thought being on my own with her would be hard, but it wasn't too bad. Garrett wasn't into holidays, so he wasn't really around for things like that anyway, but my mom was. It was my first Thanksgiving without her and at times, I didn't think I would be able to hold myself together, but I took comfort in the fact that she was no longer in pain. Her last Thanksgiving was miserable.

"What?"

"Us going to Marshall... it doesn't have anything to do with a certain someone who mentioned he was going there too, right?"

Oh, damn. "You're checking his Facebook page?"

"He sent me a friend request a few weeks ago."

I could never tell Alice and Jasper how much it bothered me that Edward was considered a kinda-sorta friend of theirs. "Oh." I felt like I was fifteen all over again – left out and wishing he was mine. _Ridiculous._

"Yeah. So, um...? Is _he _why we're going tonight?"

"No!" I lied, my voice higher than usual.

"What are you going to do if you run into him?"

"I'm not going to. I'll make sure of it."

"And if you do? You're not going to just run off, right? I mean, this is your chance to set him straight – show him that you tried all those years ago. Please tell me you don't feel like some intimidated teenager at the thought of him, B." Once Alice got started on the past, she would rant until she ran out of breath. "I would love to stand up to him for you, but you don't want me getting involved... I just think he needs a good slap in the face. I mean, you were a freaking teenager! Of course you were immature and scared and... and gah, I wish he wasn't a nice guy now."

"Why?" I asked, not able to hold back my laughter.

"Because I'd kick him in the balls if he wasn't."

Alice would forever be my greatest friend.

**-O-**

Heart racing. Hands shaking. Legs trembling.

It was the moment I had imagined for the past ten years, and only then did I realize why that deep unsettling feeling was always present. The way his eyes narrowed in directly on me made me wish I could crawl into a hole and hide away forever. It was like a bad car accident – I couldn't look away, even though my eyes were burning with tears. He was so _angry_, and rightly so, but it still hurt for him to look at me that way.

"Bella," Edward whispered, his voice trembling as he said my name.

It had been ten years since I heard him say my name, and every day for ten years, I missed the way it sounded coming from him.

"H-hello," I replied nervously. _Ten years_, and I couldn't even form one word without stuttering.

I watched intently as his vibrant green eyes darted between my daughter and me. _Hurt_. It was evident in his eyes, the pain he was feeling. This wasn't _our _plan. _We _were supposed to have the little brown haired girl with his green eyes – not my ex-husband's blue ones. _We _planned on naming our future little girl Macy. And I did; only she didn't have Edward as a father.

_Macy Elizabeth. _We picked that name out during one of our late night conversations as our long-distance relationship progressed. Most teenagers our age were deciding what parties they were going to attend, but not us. We were different. We spent most of our nights talking about what we wanted for us, for our family – someday. Finish school, support Edward throughout medical school, and once he was finished with his residency, we would start trying for children. The excitement we talked of when we were younger was heartbreaking to remember now, though.

"_I hope we have a boy first... so he can take care of his little sister," Edward commented after I brought up the subject of having a family someday. _

_I scoffed at that way of thinking. "My brothers have never looked out for me... I don't think it makes a difference."_

"_I would never let my sons treat their sister that way, baby... your dad has never stepped in like he should have."_

"_I really want a little girl..."_

"_I want one that looks just like you."_

"_And I really want her name to be Macy. I've always loved that name."_

"_That's pretty. How about Macy Elizabeth? My grandmother's name was Elizabeth... I was really close to her."_

"_Perfect." I silently prayed our dreams would come true someday._

"_I agree. Perfect life with my two brown-eyed girls, heartbreakingly beautiful, and all mine."_

"Momma, can I get the flamingo?" Macy asked, tugging on my shirt and breaking my gaze from Edward for a split second.

Looking from Macy and back to Edward, I nodded deftly.

"Yay!" Macy squealed, grabbing Alice's hand and tugging her down the sidewalk toward the small gift shop. "I'm gonna get the ballerina outfit for her… but I also wanna get the roller skates... Ali, can I get both or will that clash?" I could hear Macy talking loudly as they walked away from me, her voice carrying throughout the large crowd.

I didn't care if Alice had to buy the entire store for Macy at that point, considering it was her fault that Edward saw me in the first place. She'd called out my name as she and Macy walked over to meet me after I exited the dress shop. Alice _knew _Edward was close by – my eyes were wide and my face was pale when I saw him walk out of the coffee shop. As soon as I'd looked back to Alice, her eyes went wide with shock as well, and that's when she'd given away my hiding spot.

With Macy and Alice gone, I stood just a few feet from Edward. Inch by inch, he moved closer to me, probably shocked that I was standing before him. I was sure that I looked different, being ten years older than when he last saw me, and add to the fact that I'd had a child, so my body would never look like it did before. I was pleased with my appearance, but I wasn't going to kid myself that I was the same girl he knew before.

"W-what are you doing here?" Edward asked, his hands clenching the bag he was holding.

I didn't even know the answer to that question. I just wanted to see him again – not interrupt his life, but just see him from a distance. When I looked on his Facebook page earlier in the day, I insisted that Alice and I take Macy to see the lights in Marshall, knowing Edward was going to be there. It was so, _so_ stupid of me, but I just _had _to.

"I, uh... I wanted my daughter to see the lights," I answered dumbly. "I loved it so much before..."

The first time Edward made love to me, we had rented a little hotel room in Marshall after we toured the small town's Festival of Lights. Being back in that town and reliving all the memories we made absolutely killed me. It was like I was punishing myself, but maybe that was what I needed.

Edward blinked a few times, obviously not knowing what to say to my stupid comment that vaguely brought up our past. "I live here now."

I didn't know what to say. _'Yeah, I know you do because I have been checking up on you for years.' _

"What are you doing in Texas?" he asked hoarsely, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He was standing so close to me I literally ached to reach out and touch him; to feel any part of him that I could. "I live here... in Texas. Just outside Texarkana, actually."

His face contorted with pain. I was ten years too late moving there. "And your _husband_... I thought he had his own business back in Colorado?"

Of course, Edward would jump right into the nasty stuff. I couldn't blame him though. Clearing my throat, I braced myself for his reaction–good or bad–it was probably going to be bad. _'I told you so...' _And I was prepared to hear it from him. "We're divorced." Just as I expected, he smiled sarcastically. My heart dropped. "And my mom died recently... so I had no reason to stay there anymore."

The old Edward I knew, not the smiling one who was happy to hear of my failed marriage, appeared. "I... I'm sorry, Bella."

My eyes filled with even more tears and began to spill over as I sniffled. "She fought it for so long and relapsed about two years ago." I didn't know why I was telling him because honestly, I knew he didn't care about anything else besides the fact that I chose my life in Colorado over him all those years ago.

Edward extended his arm slightly, as if he was going to touch me, but pulled it back almost immediately. "Well, I'm... sorry for your loss. She was a good woman."

Before I could respond, someone called out to Edward. "Come on, Edward! It's almost time for our carriage ride."

And punishing myself even more, I craned my neck around Edward to see who the female voice belonged to. She was beautiful and definitely fit in well with Edward. Tall, dirty blonde hair, clothes too sophisticated for an evening outing – she looked like a damn model.

Suddenly, I felt so small. I needed to get away, although I hated that I was always running away from him. "I really need to go find my daughter…" I wiped away the few tears that had fallen. "Sorry for..." What exactly was I _not _sorry for? "I've really got to go," I finally said after a long pause.

And like a coward, I hurried away.

**-O-**

_**Edward**_

Everyone always says that you never forget your first love, and that was definitely true in my case. I honestly couldn't think of a time when I didn't wonder what Bella was doing or think about the woman she turned out to be.

Seeing her for the first time in so many years was both exciting and upsetting. And a little bit ironic. Exciting because I wondered if we would ever meet again. Upsetting because she'd moved on, and she even had a little girl. Ironic because I was out on a date for the first time in three years, and we just happened to run into Bella at _our _place. I would never forget the smile on Bella's teenage face when I'd brought her there. As for my dating life, I didn't "get around" that much – not as much as Emmett and Rose would have liked. They were constantly trying to set me up with friends and acquaintances, but I refused every time. However, when Rose brought her friend Maggie to a barbecue at Tanya's place, I gave in and invited her to go to dinner. I didn't plan on taking her to the Light Festival but Maggie had never been on a carriage ride, so I gave in.

I wish I could have been a jerk and rubbed it in Bella's face that I was on a date with a beautiful woman, but I couldn't. She looked so distraught and heartbroken; all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and offer some comfort. It annoyed me to no end that Jasper hadn't told me of her mom's passing. Regardless of how things turned out with Bella and me, I would have at least sent flowers or something to offer my condolences.

I had my regrets about how things ended between us, but I think no matter how hard we could've tried, it would never have worked out for us. Bad timing and our age were the main factors. When she told me it was over, I acted like an asshole and waited for her to call or write – apologize for breaking things off. At the time, I didn't see how much of a jerk I was to her. It took seeing my own mother very ill as she battled Parkinson's disease to realize what she had been going through.

However, I was still hurt. She'd moved on and married another man – a man who should never have come into her life. I should have been the man she married and had a little girl with. I _hated _thinking of her being with someone else.

"You aren't saying much..." Maggie said quietly, fiddling with the edge of her coat. "Sorry I dragged you into this. I know carriage rides aren't exactly fun for guys."

"No, I really don't mind at all. It's kind of relaxing," I said, faking a yawn.

One of the reasons I considered dating Maggie was because she reminded me of Bella. They looked nothing alike, but she'd blush every time I said anything to her, and her shyness mirrored Bella's. But she could never be Bella. Nobody could.

**-O-**

After dropping Maggie off at her house, I berated myself over my short conversation with Bella. At first, I was regretful, wishing I'd been nicer to her when it was obvious that she was so down on herself, but then I started to get angry. Angry that I was still trying to move on with my life and was actually doing something, finally, but she came back into it; waltzing in and taking over as if she'd never left. As though I didn't think of her constantly anyway... and now she was living in Texas? An hour away from me?

It was too much to take.

I wanted to confront her. But I needed answers. We weren't even broken up for a whole year when I found out she was dating some other guy. I didn't go out with _anyone _until I was halfway through med school. I couldn't fathom being with someone else. And much to my surprise, when I called her house for her birthday, her dad picked up and informed me that she was out with her boyfriend. I wanted to hate her.

Worked up and unable to go to sleep, I went for a jog to clear my head.

But even a late-night jog didn't help. I felt like I did ten years ago, confused and wondering what to do. How could I stay away from her after all these years of wishing I was in her life? And now she was living so close?

Needing someone to talk to, I met with Emmett for lunch the next day and told him what happened. He had been my best friend for so long and was there for me when Bella and I broke up; I trusted that he would give me good advice.

"Forget her, man... she's nothing but trouble," Emmett replied. "I thought you settled this little thing years ago."

I wanted to laugh and throw it in his face how he refused to come out of his room for three days when he and Rose broke up for a week in college. This huge, 'no emotions' guy cried over her non-stop. "I know... I was just shocked to see her here."

"Well, it's best to distance yourself as much as possible. You don't want to get caught up in that mess – baby drama, divorce shit. You know?"

I nodded, but didn't agree. I should have known better than to bring her up to Emmett. I just hoped he wouldn't say anything to Rose. She despised Bella, citing as her reason all the pain Bella had caused me, but I never bought that story. Rose didn't like Bella from the very beginning; everyone knew that. I never knew why, though – Bella was sweet and shy, someone everyone liked.

"Anyway, are we still on for next weekend? I _need _a break." Emmett was allowed one free weekend each month and liked to get drunk out of his mind like we were still teenagers. Due to my profession and the responsibilities I faced, I wasn't able to do those kind of things anymore, but stuck around to make sure Emmett didn't get too out of hand.

"Yeah, just so we're back early on Sunday."

**-O-**

Later in the week, Jasper was in the office, doing routine maintenance on a few of the PCs. After making small talk, I couldn't hold back any longer.

"You never told me her mother died. Why?" I considered Jasper a friend, regardless of what happened in the past. I knew he would always feel the need to protect Bella; she was his family and like a sister to Alice. But I couldn't understand why he didn't tell me.

"The thing with you and Bella... it's none of my business. I don't bring you up to her and up until she moved here, she didn't know that I was in touch with you, much less working in your office from time to time."

I shrugged my shoulders and nodded. "Yeah, I understand." No matter how many years had passed, I was still enamored with her; that would never change. "I don't know... I guess I should just let the past be and keep going on as I had before."

"Exactly."

Letting go of the past was easier said than done.

I couldn't stop thinking about her.

And that led me to fishing for more information. I did it in a casual way so that Jasper wouldn't think anything of it. Bella was living in their old house and was still adjusting to such a big change in her life. I wished I could just leave her alone – leave _us _alone – but I couldn't. Promptly after I met with my last patient for the day, I got into my car and drove to Bella's house.

After our break-up, I drove to Alice and Jasper's house several times over the course of a few months, hoping she would be visiting. It was a crazy thought, but I needed some way to hold onto her. In her email, I felt that she was being so immature; I held off on contacting her, even though it killed me, hoping that she would see that she shouldn't allow her parents to control another part of her life. I wanted her to realize that she could still go off to school, and I would see to it that she still got to see her mom. I probably could have explained my way of thinking a little better but she didn't give me a chance. I wasn't out enjoying myself after she called it off. I focused on school, especially after failing one of my most important classes. My parents weren't too happy with me and demanded that I try harder. Every day I tried to stop thinking about her, but never succeeded.

When I called her house for her birthday, I'd hoped that I could win her back – tell her that we should try again because being without Bella was hell, even if she was hundreds of miles away. Her dad won, though. Bella moved on and I was left wishing I had done things differently. No matter how hard I tried, we would have never worked at that time.

A feeling of déjà vu swept over me as I hurried up the front walk with the rain pounding on the top of my head. I was so determined to come to her and get the answers I needed, but standing in front of her door, I felt as nervous as I did ten years ago when it came to her.

"_No, Mace! Do not answer that door until I come downstairs!" _

I hadn't even knocked yet.

"_But Momma! What if it's the man with my present from Daddy!" _

I cringed and wished I could turn around and go back to my car, but it was too late.

The door swung open and before me stood a miniature Bella. "You're not the delivery man."

"Uh... n-no," I stuttered, at a loss for words. She stood with her hands on her hips, her eyes focused on me, probably trying to figure out who I was.

"Well, who are you?" she asked, biting her lip, just as Bella always did.

"I'm Edward Cullen... I know your mother."

She nodded. "I can't tell you my name. Momma says not to talk to strangers..."

"That's right, and I think you should wait for your Momma to answer the door. She might get upset with you," I warned.

In the blink of an eye, the door slammed in my face. I chuckled and heard Bella scolding her on the other side of the door. The front window was open, giving me the opportunity to listen in. When Macy told her who was at the door, Bella gasped. Instantly, the smile on my face vanished.

As the door slowly opened, I took a step back. I noticed the tremble of Bella's hands, mimicking my own nervousness. "Edward... hi..."

Hearing her voice again for the second time that week was too much. I was speechless. "Hi, Bella."

"Can I... did you need something?" she asked nervously, her face flaming.

"I just, uh, wanted to... I need to..." God, why couldn't I just form a simple sentence? "Can we talk?"

Macy stood between us, looking back and forth, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Bedtime, baby. Go pick out a book, and I'll be there in a second," Bella said, neither of us unable to break eye contact. Being so close to her, in the same place where we started – it was a lot to take it.

Macy appeared again, yanking on Bella's shirt. "How long's a second, Momma?"

"Mace... bed. Now."

Turning her back to us, Macy walked up the stairs with a pout. "Goodnight, Mr. Edward."

Taking in a deep breath, Bella looked down at the floor and back up to me again, deep in thought. She stepped to the side and motioned for me to come inside.

When I saw her at the Light Festival a few days prior, she was like my old Bella – unsure of herself, shy, and blushing. This Bella that stood before me now was angry and more than a little irritated at my presence. But it didn't matter. I had to get this conversation out of the way so maybe I could have a little peace. "I'm sorry, I know you're busy, but I don't think this can wait."

She sighed softly, her eyes remaining focused on mine. "Okay, but I need to put my daughter in bed... do you mind waiting in the living room for a few minutes?"

I nodded. "That's fine."

I watched her walk away, pulling at the end of her shirt nervously. Just a little older and looking as though she was exhausted, I still found her to be the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. How I went for so long without her – I was still amazed. But she ended it. I had to remind myself that she'd said it was over. No matter how hard I could have tried, it wouldn't have worked.

A short while later, Bella walked into the living room with tears in her eyes, breathing unsteadily. It was going to be a long night. Hopefully, a night that we'd both get some closure.

**-O-**

* * *

**Thanks to Jen328 for being awesome, along with Teacher1209 and Jadsmama... and all of you for your support, tweets, reviews, etc. Much love to all of you!**

Make sure you read Following Faith by Jen328. You're insane if you don't. Seriously.

See you next week! Thanks so much for reading. :) (someone remind me, and I'll tweet a teaser later this week. I always forget until the day that I'm posting - sorry!)


	19. Talk

disclaimer: sm owns twilight.

* * *

**-O-**

_**Bella**_

My mind was racing, wondering why Edward would want to discuss anything with me. He'd made it abundantly clear at the Light Festival how he felt. I hoped that I would never have to face him after that night; at least not for a while.

I'd put on a smile for Alice and Macy after my encounter with Edward. Alice kept trying to get information out of me, but I didn't budge; at least not until Macy was asleep in bed later that night. I sobbed, telling Alice how humiliating it was – running into him while he was on a date. I had no right to feel the way I did, but I couldn't help it.

The next day, I decided that I had to go on with my life without Edward, like I had every day for the past ten years. I was good at acting, never showing anyone what was going on inside my head. On the outside, I appeared happy, but on the inside, I was dying. My daughter brought joy into my life – so much that I didn't know what I would do without her. She was everything to me. I just needed to remember that when I felt desperate for Edward, wishing things had turned out differently for us.

But with Edward just down the hall, in my living room – it was too much. I wanted to call Alice so she could give me a pep talk, but she talked too much and would keep me on the phone too long. And even though Edward kept me waiting for ten years, with no explanation why he couldn't understand the confusing time I'd been going through, I wasn't going to wait any longer to talk to him.

I needed this.

I needed closure – the closure that I never got from him.

"Sorry about that... she's been having a hard time falling asleep lately," I said, keeping my voice low. I slowly entering the living room and found Edward looking at the pictures on the mantle.

I held my breath as he turned toward me, a slight smile on his face. "I really should have called or something... I apologize for showing up like this."

I wanted to cry. This _man_ standing before me was _my _Edward, but he was so different. I didn't know this person – this man that I had loved for so long.

"It's really okay... really." Apparently, I couldn't stop saying 'really'; I was already making such a great impression. I motioned for him to take a seat on the couch, ready to get this over with. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Water?" he answered quickly, somewhat nervously.

I nodded and hurried to the kitchen. Once inside, I lost it. _How was I going to get through this? _I had thought about this moment for so long – finally having an actual conversation with him, and now I was too much of a coward to put together an actual sentence.

As I leaned over the kitchen sink with my shaky hands bracing me, I heard footsteps.

"Bella... I, uh... I know it's been a long time, but I think it's long overdue that we actually talk about what happened," Edward said, his voice strained and unsure. "I just... well, I need to know why?"

I snapped. "Why, what?" I asked after I turned toward him, gasping at his close proximity. I couldn't be this close to him.

"Why did you end things with me? Why did you move on so quickly? I thought we were more than that."

For years, I'd taken the blame. I should have fought harder. I should have begged him to forgive my mistake of ending things. I should never have ended things to begin with. I should have done so many things differently.

But to hear him ask me '_why?'… _I couldn't take it. "Why don't you ask yourself that? I know I ended our relationship, but you gave up so easily. Why? And you accuse me of moving on so quickly... that's a little hypocritical, I think – don't you? I didn't until I knew you had. I... I was _alone_. Do you understand that? _Alone_ and I needed you."

"You needed me?" he asked, chuckling sarcastically. "Wow, that's... I don't even know what to say to that."

Feeling so awkward and suddenly very angry, I gripped the back of the kitchen chair and found myself glaring at Edward. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I told you that many times. Did you ever listen to me? I was young and confused; you knew that. I was going through so much, and when I felt threatened that our relationship wouldn't last, I ended it. What was I supposed to do? Wait for you to decide that the distance wasn't worth it anymore?"

"You don't know how I felt, Bella. You didn't give me a chance to tell you that we could handle it," he whispered loudly, moving to stand across the table from me.

"I didn't block your email. I didn't block your phone number. A person that desperate to tell someone something that important would have used one of those resources to do so. Or better yet, you were always taking road trips – why didn't you ever come up to see me?"

"Damn it, Bella, I tried!" he said, his voice rising from a whisper to a shout.

"When?" I said, putting my hands on my hips as I waited for his useless explanation.

As soon as I heard "your dad", my heart dropped. According to Edward, he did come to Colorado, but instead of coming to me; he wanted to do things the right way. He went to my dad, asking for permission to officially date me. He didn't want _us _to be a big secret again. It was before I'd even considered going out with Garrett. Before I went to Marshall to confront Edward. It was two months after I ended things. Edward thought he would give me time – time that I needed to sort my life out. But when he went to my dad, Charlie told him that I was still off limits. He also said that I was moving on, making friends that I needed – pretty much the same thing Rose and Emmett had told me about Edward.

Me making friends – that was the furthest thing from the truth.

I never made any new friends, and the friends that I did have before Angela died… well, I never felt like I connected with them. I only had one friend and that was Edward. I needed him more than anything.

"I called on your birthday, too, and of course, your dad answered. He said you were out with your boyfriend. So you see... I was told that you moved on, which I'm certain was true, seeing as you married some random guy and had a kid with him."

"Yeah, that random guy just happened to be someone who was there for me when I needed a friend. I was watching my mother suffer every day and after being a friend to me when I was desperate for one... I gave in. I gave in after waiting for you to respond to my letter. I had no hope left after going there, knowing that you were seeing Tanya... yeah, I waited two months after that Christmas and never heard one word from you. Yeah… what was I supposed to do?"

"You were supposed to..." he paused, narrowing his eyes at me. "What do you mean, after that Christmas? What does that have to do with anything?"

I sighed, stepping away from Edward and heading into the living room. Edward followed as I sat down on the couch. He sat across from me on the love seat, waiting impatiently for me to respond. "I went to Marshall to see you... remember that really bad ice storm?" He nodded and I continued. "I came to apologize. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving... I drove non-stop and showed up at your door late at night."

He scoffed at my admission. "I think my parents would have told me if you showed up, Bella. They didn't know many details of our relationship, but you showing up would have spoken volumes to them." I hated his tone. That cocky-asshole tone, basically accusing me of lying – that wasn't _him._

"Your parents weren't home. Rose said something about you guys house-sitting..."

His eyes widened. It clicked, _finally_. "What happened?"

"I... I wanted to talk to you, but I was afraid I would chicken out, so I wrote a letter before I left home... in case I lost my nerve. I wanted you to know how I felt. But Rose answered the door. She said you were out with Tanya and that you were happy... I gave her and Emmett the letter because I thought I could trust him to make sure it got to you."

Edward was fuming.

I hated thinking about the past, especially about my encounter with Rose. It was such a low point in my life. "We don't know what would have happened anyway... you had moved on, so I–"

"I _never_ moved on. I never went out with Tanya. And I _wasn't _happy. I was still hung up on you. The only thing that kept me sane was busy was school. I felt like I'd chosen my schooling and my future career over you, so I needed to make the best of it."

My heart was breaking all over again, hearing him say that he'd chosen school over me. I wished that we had never been put in that situation. Why couldn't we have been normal teenagers, in love and enjoying college life together? Why did it have to be so hard for us? "Well, we can never go back... and even if we could, I wouldn't change anything. I can't take back my daughter. She is the only thing that has ever been _right _in my life."

Edward stood, deep in thought. "I need to go... I–"

"I'm not saying that to hurt you," I said quickly as tears fell down my face. "I just, I could never say that I regret Macy."

"We would have... she..." he began, but stopped. Before I stood from the couch, he was walking out the front door without a goodbye.

After standing in the doorway for a few minutes wishing he'd come back, I gave up. I locked up and curled up in my chair, crying over Edward like I had done so many times before. He was the never-ending heartache in my life. Life took us in different directions, but my heart had been and would always be with him.

**-O-**

_**Edward**_

I left Bella's house, driving back to Marshall with one purpose – to address the past with Emmett. He was like a brother to me – I had to hear it from him that he completely fucked over my life. I knew without a doubt that I would have accepted Bella's apology and begged her to forgive _me_ most of all. I let go too soon; way too soon, and our lives could have been so different had I not been so utterly stupid. But there was this moment that could have changed _everything_. Bella sought me out. She tried – she fought, but my asshole of a friend fucked up everything.

Emmett answered the door after my incessant doorbell ringing. "What's up, bro?"

I shook my head, glaring. "Tell me one thing..."

"Dude, you look like you're going to kill someone. What the fuck is going on?"

A million things raced through my mind as I tried to find the words to say to him without punching him in the face. I'd never been in a fight before, but I found myself wanting to knock him to the ground. "About ten years ago, Bella came to the house... she said I wasn't there. You and Rose answered the door. Tell me what was said to her."

I knew before he even said one word that he knew he was caught. After growing up with him- his was the longest friendship I'd ever had- I just knew. "I, uh... I don't even know what you're talking about. Ten years ago? Pretty long fucking time ago, bro."

"The fucking truth, please?" I already knew he was lying. I knew the truth when Bella explained everything. She was the one person who never lied to me. The one person I loved more than anything, and I gave her up. I don't know if I was more pissed off at myself or at Emmett. I gave her up. But for the time being, I wanted to blame someone else. "I know everything. I just want to hear my so-called best-fucking-friend say it to my damn face."

I thought back to his casual comments about Bella when I told him she was back in town. _"Forget her, man... she's nothing but trouble... I thought you settled this little thing years ago. Don't get caught up in that mess." _Fuck.

His shoulders sagged as he nodded his head.

And then his bitch of a wife decided to poke her head out. "Edward... and just what are you doing over here so late? Not another night of dragging my husband out to some bar so he can help you get laid, I hope? I'm not sharing tonight!" Playful. Bitchy. Typical Rose.

It took everything for me not to call her a bitch to her face. I had never spoken to a lady that way, but she was no lady. "Can you excuse us? Your husband was about to tell me how he decided to fuck up my life, giving me no choice in the matter. I'd really appreciate it if you would go back inside so I could hear this tidbit."

Emmett looked to Rose, breathing in deeply. "Bella's back."

Rose chuckled sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "And let me guess... she told you the little sob story about how she came here looking for you? And it just so happened that you were out with Tanya? Yeah, it's true. We turned her away and told her you were enjoying life. What kind of friends would we have been if we let her back into your life? She was a trashy little thing; a no-ambition, small town fuddy-duddy who would have dragged you down. You should be thanking us."

I was speechless. She really was a cold-hearted bitch.

"I don't give a fuck how pissed you are, don't talk to my wife that way," Emmett said, stepping forward and actually getting in my damn face.

I hadn't even realized I'd said it out loud. "Fuck you. And your fucking wife." Out of the most extreme anger I'd ever felt, I pulled my arm back and connected my fist with Emmett's face. I never saw myself hitting anyone, other than Bella's dad – but never Emmett.

Emmett and I had been through so much together. For every milestone in my life and in his, we were there for each other. We learned how to ride bikes together, got drunk for the first time, and went through tough break ups. I flew back early from my London vacation to be there for his first child's birth. And to hear of his disloyalty… I couldn't take it.

"You asshole!" Rose screeched.

Emmett was stunned as he cupped his hand around his busted and bleeding nose.

"I've never hit a woman... but if Bella were here with me right now, I'd begged her to slap you like you deserve to be slapped. You two are worthless people who I wish I'd never had in my life," I said, keeping my voice low but firm. I had nothing more to say, and even though I wanted to keep hitting Emmett until he felt half of the pain I felt, I couldn't. I had a job to think about, and a future that I needed to make right. I turned around and walked back to my car as Rose yelled obscenities at me.

It was amazing that within a few short hours, so much that I knew about my life was wrong. I needed someone to talk to. Nobody understood how fucked up everything was, except for Bella. I couldn't go back to her, though. I couldn't face her after everything I'd just learned. I kept thinking of how different my life could be... how I _should _have spent the last ten years of my life with Bella. It was as if I was twenty again, feeling that pain.

I should have moved to be with her. That's what you do when you love someone. I would have disappointed my dad, and probably lost their financial support had I left UT, but none of that would have mattered. I would have had a chance at a life with Bella. In the past few years, having children never crossed my mind, but seeing Bella with a little girl brought up all those feelings of wanting that life with her. I was ready to make those plans with Bella when we were much younger, and I would always regret the path that my life took without her in it.

With no one to talk to and no other place to go, I drove home, but groaned as soon as I saw Maggie's car parked in the driveway. She sat on my front porch. This nice girl, who wanted to be with me, had probably been waiting for a few hours. I forgot we had plans for dinner.

That was the last thing I needed.

"Hi," Maggie said, holding up a bag of take-out. "Work late?"

I couldn't lie to her. "No... I had to go see someone and I'm sorry, but I completely forgot about tonight."

"That's okay... it's still early. Hungry?"

I would always belong to Bella. I tried escaping that fact for years, but after seeing her and hearing the truth – I would never be the same. "I kind of just want to go to bed. Long day..."

"Oh," Maggie said dejectedly, her face flushing with embarrassment. "Well, maybe we can plan for something later in the week."

I nodded in agreement but had no plans to go out with her again. I just didn't have the heart to turn her down and tell her that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. She was a nice person and someone I actually enjoyed being around, but I only chose to date her because she reminded me of Bella.

After seeing Maggie off, I went inside and grabbed a bag of frozen vegetables from the freezer. Already, my hand was red and swelling. It had to be better before the next day, seeing as I had over twenty patients to see and an on-call shift for twenty four hours. And a girl I couldn't get out of my head; she possessed every thought I had.

I wanted to kick my own ass for how I treated Bella. Leaving her house like that, it was so wrong of me. I don't know what possessed me to storm out like a complete idiot. If I ever wanted a chance with her again, I really had to act my fucking age and show her that I wasn't some immature ass who had temper tantrums. Before passing out, I made plans to call her the next day. I would apologize for my behavior and beg her to forgive me. Not only for my outburst at her house, but also for the past. We both made mistakes; however, mine were much worse. I gave up the one person I loved more than anything because I was scared. I promised myself that I would show her how much she still meant to me.

I always belonged to Bella, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

**-O-**

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**Posted earlier due to a few requests on Twitter. Hope it didn't disappoint, girls. :)**

**Next chapter will post sometime next week.**

**Big thanks to Jen328 (sweet/awesome beta), Teacher1209 and Jadsmama (pre-readers)... also, huge thanks to everyone reading. Thanks for the support, encouragement, tweets, sweet messages. I can't thank you all enough. **

**Now, I gotta get back to my NJ Housewives season finalie! Night :)**

**Thanks again for reading!**


	20. Baseball

disclaimer: sm owns twilight.

* * *

******-O-**

**_Bella_**

I spent twenty minutes crying in that chair before I was able to pull myself together and send a text to Alice. It was late, and I didn't want to wake her up with a phone call, but I needed to talk to her if she was awake. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say or if I'd even be able to talk without sobbing, but I had to tell her what happened.

_**Are you up? Call me if you are. – B**_

A second later, my phone rang. "What's wrong, hon?"

Alice had a way of making me completely lose my self-control. I bawled - my words a jumbled, incoherent mess. "I can't believe... and I'm still so... I love him... I don't know how I can go through this again... why would they have been so mean... and..."

"Hey, hey, hey... slow down, babe. Start from the beginning."

Before I could begin, Brandon started wailing, and I felt horrible for taking up Alice's time. "I'll call you in the morning, Al. Sorry."

"No! Bella, don't you dare hang up this phone or else!"

"Ali, it's okay. I'm... I think I'll just sleep on it. I'll call in the morning, I promise."

I ended the call and lay down on the couch, wondering how I would ever get any sleep. I couldn't exactly call in sick for work, seeing as I was still pretty new there and in addition to that, I had my I-hate-mornings daughter to get ready for school. It really sucked to be an adult sometimes.

A while later, as I struggled to sleep, my phone beeped with a text. I figured it was Alice, so when I saw who it was from I was so shocked that I actually dropped my phone.

_**Bella, it's Edward. I managed to convince Jasper to give me your number a few days ago. I'm sorry that I walked out tonight. I acted like an idiot and you didn't deserve that. I'd really like to meet with you again – whenever you're ready. Again, I'm sorry for tonight. – E**_

I didn't want him to apologize. I just wanted to forget the entire night. The things I said were hurtful, even though I didn't mean for them to be. I cringed every time I heard the words repeating in my head. I felt like if I admitted I wished more than anything that Edward and I had stayed together, then I'd be wishing my daughter away, because she was who she was because Garrett was her father.

But I still loved him so much it hurt.

He still made my heart flutter. His voice melted me. And I would have done anything to hear him laugh again.

I dropped my phone _again_when I heard light knocking on the front door. I didn't know how I could face him twice in one day - it was too much.

Tears instantly pooled in my eyes when I checked through the peephole, to find Jasper holding a bottle of diet Dr. Pepper and a large tub of ice cream. Opening the door, I tried with all my might to hold back my tears but failed miserably.

"Come on, honey... let's talk about it," Jasper said, placing his Food and Drink Therapy on the side table and coming to give me a hug.

He explained that Alice was very worried about me, but with Brandon being so sick, she hated to leave him. I was so embarrassed that Jasper felt as though he had to come over to take care of me, but he quickly dismissed my worries. "You're like the daughter I never had... well, you know, the daughter I would have had in my pre-teen years..."

He always knew how to make me laugh, and even though I was going through those nasty hiccup-cry-laughs, I didn't care. Jasper held me while I cried and told me he would make it better. I didn't know how he was going to make my situation better, but he kept promising things would start looking up soon.

"Bell, you've given up your life for _everyone_ you love. It's your turn now. Give us all a chance to show you how great life can be. Alice and I... and even Edward... we know how much you've sacrificed. Let us be there for you."

"Edward... we'll never be like we were before. I think deep down he'll always hate me. _I_hate me for some of the choices I made."

"Of course you'll never be like you were before. You're both different people - adults. You have responsibilities now. You're a wonderful, beautiful, ambitious mother who loves her child the way every mother should. And Edward... he's a great doctor who hates the choices he's made. You know he never wanted to be a doctor, Bell?"

I shook my head, my mind reeling.

"He wanted to be a writer... like a reporter for the newspaper. But his dad, although he didn't mean to be pushy, always figured Edward wanted to be just like him... and Edward didn't want to let him down, so he followed in his footsteps."

"How do you know all this? He never once told me."

"We've talked a lot about the past, and it's no secret that he feels stuck now. And Bella, he missed you. I don't know if Alice told you, but he asks me about you constantly. Alice and I... we've hated seeing both of you hurting all this time."

I broke down, telling Jasper everything - from the letter never getting to Edward to my comments about not regretting anything and how that probably hurt him the most. Jasper was livid with Rose and Emmett; especially Emmett. He'd hung out with Emmett so many times when he was out with Edward. I'd been on the phone with Alice as I drove back to Colorado that night, feeling absolutely hopeless and broken-hearted. Instead of talking things through with Edward, I was going back to a life with a dying mother, without Edward – the person I wanted and needed the most.

I tortured myself thinking about Edward going on dates, kissing Tanya or having sex with her. I made myself sick over it. My heart was ripped in two, and rather than cry over it for days like I wanted to, I had to put on a smile and take care of my mother, not showing any of my worries or frustrations.

"I oughta go kick his ass right now. That fucker," Jasper mumbled, breathing harshly.

"I think Edward might have already taken care of Emmett... he seemed pretty mad when he left, although it was probably because of what I said."

Jasper wrapped his arm around me. "Bella, it wasn't like he didn't already know how you felt about your daughter. What kind of mother would you be if you didn't love your child with everything that you are? And he knows you wish he'd been Macy's father..." I couldn't speak, just crying even harder. "You and I both know you wanted to be with him, that's common knowledge. And by admitting that you're not saying you regret Mace, honey. Your life shouldn't have been so hard. You had it rough, handling more than most of us could take on. And you were a kid. A young kid who had to make really hard decisions with hardly any support."

"I messed up everything, Jasper."

"No you didn't. You're alive and healthy and have a beautiful girl who loves you more than anything. And you have a great job... great family," he said, winking and giving me a nudge with his knee. "And as hopeless as you feel now, Edward is back in your life. I know I'm a guy and I'm not supposed to be into this kind of stuff, but you and Edward were made for each other. I know without a doubt that you two will be together before you know it."

I scoffed at that statement.

"It's true. And that text that you got from him... it just proves how much he still cares about you. Believe me; I'm sure he'd be over here right now if he thought you wouldn't slam the door in his face."

"I don't know about that..."

"Quit arguing with your cousin - who's practically a genius at matchmaking." He stood up from the couch, pulling me up with him, and directed me down the hallway to my bedroom.

Jasper stayed the night, sleeping on my couch even though I begged him to go home. Alice would have had his balls for breakfast, he said, if he left me by myself. They truly were the greatest parental figures in my life.

I woke up to find Jasper cooking breakfast and explaining to Macy, who was dressed with her hair fixed perfectly and her backpack ready to go, that I wasn't feeling well so he came over to help me with things. Macy adored Jasper and as cute as their chat was, I felt so lazy and awful for sort of taking the morning off.

Once I joined Macy and Jasper, they informed me of their plans for the evening. Macy was going to give me a massage, and Jasper and Alice were going to have us over for dinner.

"You need to rest more, young lady!" Macy said, kissing my cheek.

My love for that little girl was indescribable.

**-O-**

Later that week, I finally worked up the nerve to send Edward a text message back. I really didn't know what to say, but I hated to leave him hanging. The least I could do was send a simple response back, though Alice thought I should just call and talk to him. That was a joke. I couldn't talk to him!

_**Edward, I understand why you left... Give me some time? I want to talk to you, too... I know we have things to discuss, but I'm pretty overwhelmed and I'm just being a wimp, to be honest. And I'm sorry for the things I said – I know they hurt you; truly, I'm sorry. – B**_

His response came less than a minute later. I laughed in spite of myself – I would never understand how people could text so quickly.

_**No apologies, please. I know it's all overwhelming, and if you're a wimp, then I am, too. Just promise you will consider meeting up for coffee or dinner... anything, Bella. I hope everything is going okay with you. – E**_

I couldn't come up with a response, so I didn't send anything back. He was so thoughtful and... the same Edward from all those years ago. Like his emails from so long ago, now he was sending me text messages, giving me a gentle push to let him in. I missed him so much. Still _my_Edward.

Every day that week, I tried to push him out of my head. Every little thing made me think of him. Being in Texarkana and around all of the memories that I made with him, it was impossible to avoid Edward. I was grateful when Alice told me that we were going to Tyler on Saturday. She wanted to go for last-minute Christmas shopping, and I just wanted to go somewhere I didn't have history with Edward.

After spending a good amount of time at the mall, we took Macy to the pet store, where she begged for a dog. I said I would consider it, though I had already put a deposit on a dog that would be ready to take home for Christmas. Macy was squealing with excitement at my implication that we might get a dog.

Jasper was in Tyler as well, playing in a Saturday baseball tournament with some friends, so we stopped by, bringing lunch for him and his friends. I silently prayed that Edward wouldn't be there, even though Alice had assured me that he was out of town. And although I wasn't ready to see him, I still felt a twinge of disappointment.

As soon as the car pulled to a stop, Macy jumped out and ran toward the baseball field. "Jasper! Jasper! Momma's getting me a puppy!"

Alice and I both yelled for her to stop, and so did Jasper when he saw her running onto the field. But Macy, being the outgoing, never-back-down-child that she was, kept running. Unfortunately, she didn't see the baseball until it was too late, hitting her right on the forehead, the impact instantly knocking her to the ground.

"Mace!" Jasper yelled, quickly running to her.

I'd never run so fast in my life. My baby was lying on the cold ground, her eyes closed, when I got to her. Jasper waived over someone while I knelt beside her, leaning over her little face to make sure she was breathing. In the back of my mind, I knew she would be okay, but at that moment, I was a panicked mess.

"Do you mind if I take a look at her, Bella?"

I didn't have to look up to know whose voice that was. Apparently, Alice was wrong about Edward being out of town. I nodded, fighting back tears, upset and worried over my little girl. Regardless of how awkward it felt to be around Edward, I was relieved that he was there. I knew he would take care of my daughter.

As Edward crouched down on the other side of Macy, her eyes opened. "Mr. Edward?" Her eyes darted from Edward to me. "Momma?"

I kissed her forehead and sat her up. "You scared Momma to death, baby!"

"I'm okay, Momma... my head hurts really bad, though," she said, beginning to cry. Macy was different when it came to pain. It always took a moment for her realize that she was actually in pain.

**-O-**

_**Edward**_

After waiting all week to hear from Bella, I was pretty shocked to see her at the baseball field. Jasper hadn't mentioned anything about her coming and maybe it was because he didn't expect me to come since I'd canceled my weekend trip with Emmett.

My chest literally tightened when I saw Bella.

And then everything happened all at one. Macy was running toward Jasper, yelling about a puppy and Bella was running after her, telling her to stop. Unfortunately for Macy, she took after her mother when it came to bad luck.

I've always been able to stay calm in emergencies, having worked in the ER for several years, but seeing Bella so distraught over her daughter, it really tugged at me. It was evident how much Bella loved her little girl, and that, along with our very tense past, made me feel really uneasy. It was hard to stay clinical – I wasn't this guy that shared a past with Bella; I was a doctor that needed to focus on caring for her child. Somehow, I pushed that all aside and ran over to check on Macy.

_Macy_. That name. _Our__name._

Luckily, Macy seemed to be okay, but since she lost consciousness briefly, I suggested that we go to hospital. I had "connections" in the Emergency Room at Tyler, so we were taken to an exam room quickly. It felt so odd to be so close to Bella. A month ago, I never thought I would be sitting just a few feet away from her. I knew my close proximity was making her uncomfortable as she played with the hem of her shirt, looking anywhere but at me.

Once we were back in the room, I was allowed to take care of Macy. While she went back for a CT scan, Bella left the room to make a phone call, presumably to Macy's dad. The ER was fairly busy, but Macy came back sooner than expected, leaving us alone in the room together. She chattered away, not like her shy mother at all. The girl was a firecracker – so funny and cute. And talked _non-stop._

"My momma says I'm clumsier than her," Macy explained, as I chuckled looking over her various scratches and faint bruises on her legs. "But my daddy says it's 'cause I'm an active girl."

Bella had always been clumsy, tripping over her own feet at times. I loved that about her, though; she'd always blush and try to hide her almost-fall. "I think your daddy's right. You seem like the kind of girl who likes exploring, huh?" She nodded, her big blue eyes full of excitement just over my question. "Have you ever been hiking or camping?"

"Momma's scared of the dark... so we never go'd. And Daddy is _always_working. But I wanna make hot dogs and have 'mores. We make 'em in the microwave but I think they would taste better by the fire. You know, a campfire?"

"Maybe your uncle Jasper will take you sometime. There's a really cool place near here that I think you'd like."

Macy clapped her hands, practically bouncing on the exam table, which explained why her CT scan came back clear. She was a little banged up, but nothing serious – and definitely the chattiest kid I'd ever been around. "Mr. Edward, I mean, _Dr._Edward, will you tell him to take me? Momma said he's your friend. He'll listen to you, I bet!"

"What are you two talkin' about, pretty girl?" Jasper asked, laughing lightly as he closed the exam curtain. Macy grinned, giving him this amazing smile that nobody could say 'no' to. She was a heartbreaker just like her mother. "Something about camping?"

"Dr. Edward said you might take me camping! And there's a cool place here... and we can have hot dogs and 'mores! And you can tell me scary stories... and go fishing! Please say yes, Uncle Jasper. Please!"

Kissing her forehead - which now had a really nasty bump protruding from it - Jasper, of course, agreed to take her camping. He started making plans with her for the next weekend while I put away some supplies and searched every drawer for a Hello Kitty Band-Aid.

"... And we'll get Edward to come, too," Jasper said, catching my attention. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, I knew I would probably never be welcomed around Bella and her daughter again. Bella looked absolutely horrified when she saw me at the park. I wasn't blind. I'd give anything for jus five minutes with her. But, I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

"You know he know'd my momma when she was a little girl?" She leaned closer and whispered, "But he's a lot older than her, right? Was he her teacher?"

Jasper laughed loudly while I groaned. "She wasn't _that_little, Mace-face. He was her best friend, and he's only three or four years older than your mom. Though with all that gray, he looks older than me, huh, sweet pea?"

"Okay, Uncle Jasper... do you mind leaving my patient alone? I need to bandage her up with this pretty Hello Kitty Band-Aid."

"Yay!" Macy squealed. Bella walked in just as I was placing the bandage over Macy's rather large bump. "He found a Kitty Band-Aid, Momma!"

Bella's eyes were red-rimmed and she looked completely exhausted – physically and emotionally. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. But I couldn't. I didn't know if we would ever get to that point again. But didn't we deserve happiness? The life we should have had together was robbed from us because of the awful people in our lives. It wasn't fair and I just wanted a chance with her again.

Smiling shyly, Bella tucked her hair behind her ear and stood on the other side of the exam table. "I hope you thanked him, sweetheart."

Catching me by surprise, Macy wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tightly. "I'm gonna make you a thanks card!"

Jasper put his arm around Bella, commenting on how sweet Macy was, taking after her momma. Bella's face was still flushed and she smiled, but she would not look at me. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. As if ten years never separated us, I was drawn to her, completely in awe of this woman who'd had my heart since we were kids.

"So camping next weekend, huh, Mace?" Jasper asked.

Bella raised an eyebrow, looking up at Jasper.

"Yeah, Uncle Jasper's taking me camping. Dr. Edward is coming, too..." Macy said, trying to wink slyly at me, though the way she winked wasn't too smooth. She tilted her little head to the side and grinned so big, I couldn't help but chuckle.

But my laughter didn't last long as I saw Bella obviously stiffen, shaken at my name being included with something to do with her daughter. Did she hate me that much? Was there any chance that we could ever be at least _friends_someday? I wanted her in my life, however I could get her. It was going to take a lot of time and patience.

"I think I might be busy next weekend, sweetheart," I said, hoping to ease Bella's obvious nervousness.

Worried of what, though? Me? Me being around her daughter?

"Nah, remember, we were going to go out fishing Saturday morning anyway... might as well make a weekend of it," Jasper said, casually dismissing my excuse. "You and Bell went camping somewhere around here, didn't you?"

Bringing up the past made Bella and I both uncomfortable. Macy's eyes darted from Bella to me and back to Bella. Six year olds didn't understand the concept of a guy and girl being best friends.

"We, uh... no, we just drove out to my grandparents' place in Lockesburg." I ached, thinking about my time with her there. At that time, we were just 'best friends', though I wanted more than anything to kiss her while we watched swarms of fireflies around us. "But it'd be a nice place to camp... it's got a lake, pool, everything we'd need."

"So it's set!" Jasper exclaimed, patting Bella on the back. "We're all going camping next weekend."

I wondered if Bella remembered everything from our time there. Did she know then that I was already in love with her? I didn't just love her as a friend. She was _my_everything before I had the nerve to tell her.

Sighing softly, Bella nervously nodded, keeping her eyes trained on Macy. "Sounds great."

"Momma, my head hurts still," Macy whispered. Kids were so unpredictable; it's like they just remember that yes, they were actually in pain. I watched in awe at the wonderful parent that Bella had become.

"I'm so sorry, my sweet girl," Bella said, holding her girl tight in her arms. "Let's get you home, and we'll make hot chocolate and watch Christmas movies. Sound good, baby?"

I wanted to be a part of their lives.

Instead, I would go home to my quiet house and think of nothing but Bella and the life we could have had together.

**-O-**

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading. Truly, I can't thank you all enough for reading and for your sweet words. **

**Mega thanks to Jen, Tammy and Rhonda. They helped so much with this chapter that I had so much trouble with. I've had this chapter in my head from the very beginning, but it was the hardest to write. **

**If you haven't donated to the Texas Wildfires Contribution, please do so before it's too late. There are many authors signed up for o/s, you'll definitely miss out! I'm donating a o/s called _That One Night. _It's got sweet, hot southern Texas boys going home for the weekend from school.. and E meeting A's roommate, B. Marfa is a town that has been hit hard by the wildfires... and it's also home to the mysterious ghost lights. Google it, really cool stuff. The regulars: B/E, A/J, E/R. Go to texasfires(dot)ysar(dot)info to find out how to donate. **

**Next chapter, in a week or so. Thanks for sticking with me this far. Nothing but good times ahead.**


	21. Heartbeat

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.**

* * *

**_Heartbeat - The Fray_**

_Oh you got a fire and it's burning in the rain_  
_Thought that it went out, but it's burning just the same_  
_And you don't look back, not for anything_  
_'Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same_  
_If you love someone, you love them all the same_

_Oh, I feel your heartbeat_  
_And you're coming around, coming around, coming around_  
_If you can love somebody, love them all the same_  
_You gotta love somebody, love them all the same_  
_Singing, oh, I feel your heartbeat_

_I'm trying to put it all back together._  
_I've got a story and I'm trying to tell it right._  
_I got the kerosene and a desire._  
_I'm trying to start a flame in the heart of the night_

_Oh you got a fire and it's burning in the rain_  
_Thought that it went out, but it's burning just the same_  
_And you don't look back, not for anything_  
_'Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same_  
_If you love someone, you love them all the same_

* * *

**-O-**

_**Bella**_

After I tucked Macy in, there was no way I could've gone to sleep, even if I wanted to. I couldn't take my mind off of Edward. Since moving to Texas, he was usually on my mind anyway, but after watching him take care of my daughter – not as though he was just doing his job, but with actual emotions involved – I thought of only him.

I decided to send him a text message.

_**Thank you for taking such good care of Macy. She's talked non-stop about you since we got home. Do you still want to meet up? I'd like to take you out to dinner... we should talk, but also, I want to show my thanks. – Bella**_

At the hospital, it was so tough to be around him- but at the same time, I didn't want to be apart from him, either. It was a confusing situation.

_**How's Mace feeling? – Garrett**_

_**She's okay, sleeping now. Nasty bump tho. – Bella**_

_**Hate being so far away. Have her call me first thing in the morning. You okay? – Garrett**_

_**I will. Yeah, I'm fine... just freaked out still. I hate seeing her cry. Felt like a horrible mom. – Bella**_

My heart skipped a beat when Edward's reply came in the middle of my texts with Garrett.

_**She's a sweet girl – most talkative kid I've been around. Yes, I'd definitely like to meet up with you. No thanks necessary, Bella. Are you okay? I hated seeing you so worried – wish I could have helped someway. – Edward**_

_**You're not a horrible mom, B... she's a crazy kid, always doing things that she shouldn't. Don't be so hard on yourself. Get some sleep, we'll talk in the morning. – Garrett**_

Garrett and I were probably the oddest divorced couple ever. We were still friends. I still loved him as a friend and as the father of my child. When I first found out he'd cheated on me, it was torturous, to say the least. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't because of the feelings I still had for Edward. Once I got over the initial shock and realized I had to be an adult for my daughter's sake, I let go of any anger and began making plans for my future. Regardless of what was going on with Garrett and me, I still needed him as a friend- which he still was.

I wondered if it would bother Edward that I didn't hate my ex-husband. Would he be okay with me staying friends with Garrett? Why was I even asking myself these questions? No matter how much I wanted to be _someone_to Edward, I couldn't see how it would ever work out.

_**I'm okay now... well, not really. I think I'll stay up to watch her sleeping all night. Crazy, huh? And you did help – you were so good with her. So good that she felt comfortable enough to talk your ear off. Are you free this week sometime? Or do you want to go after the campout? – Bella**_

I really wanted to meet up before the camp-out. Everything was already so awkward between us, and I knew without a doubt that Jasper and Alice were going to try to "push us together" as much as possible during our weekend of camping. I knew I would feel a lot better about spending the weekend with Edward if I got over some of my anxiety.

_**I'm free all week. And I would really like to see you before the weekend, if that's okay. Let me know. I'll meet you wherever. Texarkana, Marshall, or in between. I hope you get some sleep. You can always text me if you need anything at all... though, I'm sure I am the last person you'd turn to right now. – Edward**_

The emotions that came over me as I read his text led me to do something I'd never thought I'd do.. I dialed Edward's number without thinking of what I was going to say to him. He just had to know that he was _always_the person I needed.

Before I could decide that it was a bad idea to call him, he answered on the second ring. "Bella?"

"I just... hi," I replied, feeling very lame. Lame, stupid, pathetic; those about summed it up.

"Hi... everything okay?" he asked. Just because we had spent a little time together and were texting, didn't mean we were at the point that I could just call him. I'm sure he was completely confused.

I wasn't okay. I hadn't been okay for ten years. "You were wrong, Edward. You don't know how many times I've needed to come to you... I just don't want you to think... to think that I hate you or... I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I just..."

"After tonight... you avoided looking at me, and I could tell that I made you feel, I don't know... uncomfortable, maybe? Or I thought the likelihood of you hating me was pretty big. Not that I blame you."

"I've never hated you," I said, keeping my voice firm and steady. "Never."

"I never hated you either, Bella. I, um... it just really fucking sucks that back then, everyone seemed to be working against us."

"I know... if I was actually talking to my dad, I... well, it doesn't really matter because I don't consider him to be my father anymore anyway. It doesn't surprise me how much pain he caused back then."

"I hate Emmett and Rose. I never thought I would say that, but I do." He paused for a moment, letting out a quiet yawn. "Sorry, I didn't mean to get into all of this over the phone."

"Don't apologize. There's a lot that we should talk about, but you really should get to bed. I heard you say that you had to work tomorrow… and it's really late." As always, my heart hurt at the thought of something happening to him; like falling asleep on his way to work because I kept him on the phone too late.

Edward let out a small chuckle and another yawn. "Yeah, I guess I should get some sleep. But listen, I was thinking... I'll just drive to you sometime this week. I know you'll have your hands full with Macy and everything. Can you meet up sometime around seven or so? Any day will work for me."

My heart raced just thinking of having dinner with him. "Um... Thursday?" Alice usually picked up Macy from gymnastics for me that day, so I knew it wouldn't be a problem to let her stay at their house a while longer. Heck, Alice would probably suggest that she spend the night so I could spend more time with Edward.

"Sounds great. How about TLC? You liked that place, right?"

It was a little restaurant downtown, nothing fancy, but a place that held so many memories. "Yeah."

"Okay, I'll meet you there at seven." I could picture him running his free hand through his hair, tugging at it nervously. "I'm... really looking forward to it. Thanks, Bell, for agreeing to this."

"Thanks to you, too..." I couldn't say anything else because hearing him call me Bell again – it was different than anyone else calling me by that nickname. Different in a good, sweet way. "See you soon."

"Sure thing. Call if you need anything. Bye."

"Bye."

**-O-**

The week seemed to drag as I looked forward to Thursday. Though I wasn't expecting anything out of our meeting but possibly rekindling our friendship, I couldn't have been happier. And I was relieved that we'd get some of the awkwardness out of the way before the camping trip that Jasper threw together.

"Are you dressing up at all?" Alice asked as I surveyed my closet for something nice, but not too dressy for work. TLC was just down the road from my office, so it didn't make sense for me to go all the way across town to change, especially when I could use a couple of extra hours to get caught up on some of my work.

Sighing into the phone, I pulled out my light gray pantsuit and hung it on the closet door. "I can't wear some little black dress, Al... I have to go to court tomorrow. And I don't want to change at work because I might run into someone and then I'd have to answer a million questions."

"Well, at least–"

"I'm thinking my gray pantsuit... white or black beneath?"

"Black. And those sexy black heels I bought you last Christmas. And don't forget to accessorize, girlie."

Alice was like a sister, mother, and best friend all in one. I knew how to dress myself, of course, but I always took her suggestions. "I will."

"Don't worry, sweetie... you could be in sweats, and he'd still think you were the most beautiful woman in the room."

That made me laugh. "And just how many glasses of wine did you have tonight?"

"Haha, Bella. I know love when I see it... and that boy is still head over heels for you."

"That _boy_is now a man... and we have no idea how he really feels. I mean, I... as much as I would love to–" I stopped myself, not wanting to admit it aloud just yet, "I think it's too soon to make those kinds of assumptions, that's all."

Alice let it go and changed the subject, knowing that I couldn't handle talking about Edward and me any longer. She was a persistent person who pushed when she needed to, but knew when to stop, as well.

After an almost sleepless night, and a very long, boring day at work, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, a half hour before I was to meet Edward. Even though I wore make-up, there were still circles around my eyes from lack of sleep. Between worrying about the large bump on Macy's head to dinner with Edward, I'd developed a small case of insomnia.

_**Booth or table? I'm a little early, pulling up now. – Edward**_

_**Either... doesn't matter to me. I'm just headed that way now, walking there since it's down the block from work. – Bella**_

A few seconds after I sent my text, I saw Edward in the distance, exiting the restaurant and looking in my direction. Like a man on a mission, he took long strides toward me and before I knew it, he was standing a few feet away, determined and smiling.

"Hi," I said, feeling so shy and insecure, like I felt ten years ago when we started dating.

His sweet smile melted my heart even more. "Hi, Bella."

"Hi," I replied stupidly.

Chuckling, Edward stepped forward like he was going to hug me, even lifting his arms, but stopped suddenly. "I'm guessing you're as nervous as me?"

"Terrified," I admitted with a small laugh.

"Let's get some food in us, eh? I think I remember having to-die-for-terrific cheesecake... and we both know how much you love that."

Those were my exact words ten years ago when he and I ate there. Forgetting that I should be one of _those_teenagers around Edward-always worried about the perfect body-I raved about the cheesecake so much that he went back and bought an entire one just for me.

Pushing aside my memories, I walked alongside him as he made casual small talk. He asked about Macy and how her head was feeling. And he asked if I was okay or still worried, like I had been on the phone a few days earlier.

It felt like I was dreaming – being with him again. I never thought it would be possible for us to have dinner together. And yet, there we were, standing a foot apart, forgetting about our past and the pain we'd gone through.

"I'm glad you agreed to have dinner with me. It's just... really good to see you again," Edward said, starting the conversation after we were seated and ordered our dinner. He knew I was too shy to start up any kind of topic with him. Sometimes I thought Edward knew me better than I knew myself.

"It's good to see you, too. I honestly never thought I'd see you again."

"We were bound to run into each other at some point in our lives."

"Yeah... but I didn't think you'd want to see me, much less have dinner with me."

"I know you probably won't believe me, but I didn't mean to seem mad when I saw you in Marshall. I was utterly shocked. I figured Jasper would have told me that you were here, in Texas... I'm sorry if I came off as rude."

I hated thinking back to that day, seeing him with someone else and feeling so stupid- like I didn't have the right to feel jealous. But I was; insanely jealous. And I acted like a coward, hurrying off and leaving him standing there to witness my ridiculous behavior. "I... I was such an idiot that day."

"Bell, we were both caught off guard. That's it. Don't insult yourself."

I nodded, not knowing what to say next.

"So... are you liking living in Texas?"

Thank God that Edward always knew what to do or say. "Yeah... love the house, of course... and the location. And though my job is really stressful, it's nice - actually doing something with my life."

"What exactly do you do for CPS?"

"I do different things there; interviewing families, home studies... but mainly I decide on placement. The parents will give me a list of possible family members or friends for the children to be placed with... so I find the best possible placement and work out a safety plan."

"I always thought CPS workers had the hardest jobs when I worked in the hospital. It takes a tough person to do that job. And a person with a good heart. Like you."

I felt my face flush at his compliment. "Thanks. It is really hard, but I know that I'm doing something that actually makes a difference... so that helps me get through the hard times. And you... a doctor? You certainly have a stressful job."

"Nah, it's not too bad, especially now that I took over my dad's practice. Daily visits of colds and routine check-ups. Kind of boring."

"And don't forget... little girls who are extremely injury-prone."

Edward laughed, and my heart ached at how much I missed that sound. "Yeah, can't forget that. She reminds me so much of you."

"Yeah, though she hasn't broken any bones yet – I have her beat on that record, thank God."

I was amazed that we could have an easy-going talk, pushing aside the aches of our past. He insisted on ordering me cheesecake, even though I was so full I couldn't fathom eating one bite of the scrumptious dessert. We both took it in to-go boxes. I knew that around midnight, I'd probably be hunting down a late-night snack as I thought about him, and so the take-out box was a great idea.

After much debate, Edward insisted on paying for my meal. I'd wanted to buy his, as a thank-you for being so nice to Macy, but there was no way I'd win that argument.

"Just means we'll have to go out again sometime..."

That suggestion alone made my heart beat faster. "Definitely."

He walked me back to my office where my car was and leaned against it as we continued to talk. "You're sure you don't mind me coming on the camping trip? I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything..."

"Absolutely not, Edward. I mean, unless I make you uncomfortable?"

"Hell, no, Bella. Never. I'm glad to spend any amount of time with you. In case you haven't noticed, I've missed having you in my life."

My shyness crept up, like always, but I pushed through it and replied honestly. "I've really missed you. More than you know."

"Good. That's really good."

"Yep." Such a lame response.

"Yep," Edward repeated, making me laugh.

"Thanks again for dinner... and the terrific cheesecake. I can't believe you remembered that."

"Of course I did... how could I forget? I remember everything about you, Bell." That voice – the low, rumbled and sexy one that gave me tingles – it was back and making me crush on him all over again. But I knew what it sounded like when he was inside me, telling me he loved me. This was way more than a simple crush. I was a grown woman, still hung up on the only man I'd ever really loved.

After a moment of silence, we said our goodbyes. I made him promise he'd text me once he got home, like I always did in the past.

"I know this may sound forward but... come here," Edward requested, as he placed his hands on my arms and pulled me to him. "I've thought about you for so long... it's hard to stay away."

My arms wrapped around him as he squeezed his around my body. I let out a small gasp, wondering how I'd ever be just a friend to Edward. For ten years, I didn't have his arms around me, and now that they were, I didn't want him to let go.

**-O-**

When I saw him the day after our dinner together, I didn't feel as awkward as I thought I would. He was right; we needed to have some time alone before jumping into being around everyone and camping together. Macy was already so friendly with Edward, thanking him for taking care of her head. She made friends easily and was never shy - so unlike me. She even insisted on Edward sitting in the very back with her, and he instantly accepted her offer.

"And you know what? One time, my mom slammed the car door on my finger... and I didn't even cry."

"Wow, I bet that hurt," Edward commented.

"Yep. And you know what? I wanna be a doctor someday... but I don't wanna give shots 'cause that's just mean."

Edward chuckled. "But shots help you get better."

"And they make you cry, Dr. Edward."

I loved hearing his hearty laugh. "You don't have to call me Dr. Edward, Macy. Just Edward."

"Oh, okay. And you can call me Mace. That's what all my friends call me."

He was perfect with her.

My own brothers avoided getting in a conversation with Macy, knowing she was going to talk their ear off, but Edward didn't seem to mind. He seemed genuinely engaged in their topic of choice, which happened to be how Macy could be a doctor and what she should expect. It made my heart race as I listened to him speak so sweetly to my little girl.

The lump in my throat just about choked me as Edward motioned where to turn off to. I remembered everything about our trip to his grandparents' place. Which was now his. It was the place I'd thought about for so long. The day we'd spent there was so perfect.

I glanced to the backseat where Edward sat next to Macy and caught him looking at me. We smiled, silently acknowledging our past there. Everything was so different now, but my heart was still in the same place.

Edward had constructed a road through the woodsy area of his property that lead to the clearing we'd ridden to on four-wheelers all those years ago.

"Wow, this looks... kinda scary, Edward," Macy said, examining her surroundings.

"Nah, it's not, baby," I replied to her. "It's pretty, I think."

"Yeah, but Momma, you're gonna sleep with me, right?"

I laughed and reach back for her hand. "Yes, sweetie."

"And Edward, you and Jasper will make sure nobody tries to get in the popper thing?"

"Yes," Edward said, laughing.

It felt so nice being with him and feeling free to actually laugh – to have a good time. I missed being with him that way. What I didn't miss were the glances that Jasper and Alice gave occasionally, their matchmaker minds in overdrive.

Edward and Jasper began setting up the pop-up and tent as Alice and I unloaded our bags and played with Macy and Brandon. I couldn't stop looking at Edward, appreciating how amazingly good he looked. He looked the same, but even more toned and muscular – not too muscular, just right. The sight of him using his muscles as he lifted some of the heavy equipment was something I would definitely dream about. I felt guilty for taking such pleasure in seeing him in that light, but there was no denying that he was still the sexiest man I'd ever laid eyes on. And those arms. I remembered being in those arms as he made love to me the first time.

After camp was set up, Jasper and Edward started a fire and began grilling hot dogs for us. Macy begged for a s'more before dinner, and with my permission, Edward caved. He made her the 'Edward Cullen Special' – a double-sized s'more. I snapped a picture of them sitting side by side – Edward eating his extra large s'more and Macy's face covered in chocolate.

It was so great to make new memories there, but I couldn't stop thinking about the old ones.

After everyone settled down that night, I couldn't sleep and decided to go for a short walk. Grabbing the flashlight, I quietly tiptoed out of the pop-up, passing Edward and Jasper's tent as I headed toward my favorite spot. It's amazing what your mind can remember after being away for so long. I remembered the exact spot where Edward and I sat on the tailgate of his truck, watching the fireflies while I wished he would kiss me. I remember counting the number of trees circled around us, trying to think of anything but Edward's lips on mine.

I was the ultimate lovesick teenager.

Lovesick.

I'd always pictured myself getting married in the very spot where Edward and I watched fireflies swarm around us. And I would've had a late night wedding. Just the glow of the moon and some candles. And Edward.

How could I not think of him when I was there – at the place where I first discovered that I loved him more than anything?

**-O-**

_**Edward**_

"I thought you were afraid of the dark?" I asked, keeping my voice low and walking slowly over to Bella. She was absolutely gorgeous, the glow of the moon shining down on her. And she had no idea.

With a quiet sniffle, she turned her head away and wiped her eyes. "Yeah," she sighed with a small laugh. "I am... but I couldn't sleep. Just thinking... and I love this place."

I lowered myself to the log she sat on, and casually wrapped the blanket around her. Finally, she turned her face to me and smiled softly. I wanted, more than anything, to wrap my arm around her; to give her any other kind of comfort than just sitting beside her and being silent. But I didn't know how to react to her. I knew she had been crying – that much was obvious – but what was she upset about? Did it have anything to do with us? Being there, it brought back so many memories, even though we only spent one day together... but it was such a memorable day for us. I think I fell in love with her that day.

"It's so pretty here," she whispered.

"Yeah, I love it. I stay up here sometimes in the summer."

"I don't know what Jasper was thinking when he suggested camping in wintertime. Alice is a sissy when she's cold."

"Eh, I think it's Macy. She could probably talk him into just about anything," I chuckled, nudging her shoulder. "She talked about Christmas the entire time you and Alice were out getting groceries... had Jasper make a list of birthday presents and Christmas presents."

"God..." Bella groaned, shaking her head but smiling widely at the mention of her little girl.

Even at her young age ten years ago, I knew she'd make a great mother. Her face lit up just hearing her daughter's name. Regardless of what had happened in the past, she had a beautiful child, and I had a chance to prove to her that I wanted to be with her again. I wanted to be a part of her life. Any part. Though she had been back in my life for only a short time, I knew I couldn't live without her again. I would take whatever she would give me.

"It was cute, but I hope Santa is ready to break the bank."

"Santa is doing a really crappy job of shopping this year. Not one thing bought so far... and she wants this 'Tangled' bike that _every_store is sold out of. I saw it a few months ago and thought they'd have plenty at Christmas... I mean, who sells out of that when the freaking movie came out _last_year? So Santa is going to be in trouble."

I hadn't been able to get her to talk that much, but anything to do with Macy and she opened up. "I can check the Wal-Mart in Marshall... and I'm going to Longview next weekend, so I can check there, too."

Smiling widely, Bella looked directly at me. "You'd do that?"

"Of course, Bell."

She sighed and dropped her head, staring at the ground. "What have you been up to for the last ten years?"

Shocked by the change of subject, I didn't quite know what to say. "Um... just school and work."

"Come on... nothing else?"

I hated thinking of the ten years I'd spent without her. "Well, I did some traveling."

"Where to?"

"London... Paris... Africa..."

"Africa? Wow. I bet that was awesome," she replied, shifting her body toward me. "I've always wanted to see Paris."

"Yeah, it's pretty there, but Africa was my favorite. I spent a semester there, working at a clinic for children. But I was glad to come back home."

She nodded as tears formed in her eyes. "And no engagements? Serious girlfriends?"

I was shocked that she jumped right into that topic, though there was nothing to tell. "No... I mean, there was one girl during my residency that I dated for a while, but it didn't work out. I was too busy and so was she."

Tears fell down her face and she turned her head to the side, trying to hide them as she wiped her face once again. "What about the one I saw you with at the Light Festival? She was really pretty."

_She wasn't you._

_No one could ever live up to you._

"That was only our second or third date... never anything serious."

"She could've come on this trip... I hope you don't think I would make things awkward or anything. I know I acted like a fool at the festival, but I don't want to keep you from your girlfriend, Edward."

It was laughable that she thought I could be with anyone else with her back in my life. "I was never _with_her, Bella. We were just dating... and I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks now."

"Oh."

I gave up fighting the urge and put my arm around her. "Tell me more about you."

Bella let out a sad laugh and relaxed her body slightly. "Nothing much to tell. Got married... surprise pregnancy... found out my husband was cheating on me... and had to watch my mother die. Not an ideal life, but I'm thankful for my girl and the time I spent with my mom."

"I'm so sorry about your mom, Bell..." She cried softly and I pulled her closer to me. I held my breath as she rested her head against my chest. "I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. I wish I could have been there for you. I _should_have been there for you."

"I hate myself..." I was about to interrupt and tell her that she shouldn't ever say that about herself, but she continued and I knew I needed to let her get it out. "I hate myself for wishing I had made different choices back then... not been so immature about us, but I was scared. And I hate myself for regretting my choices because I got Macy out of it all. It's just so... so confusing."

"Bella, I... you shouldn't think about the past. Regardless of what happened, it brought you here... you're where you've always belonged. You have family here who love you... and whether you want me in your life or not, I'm going to be in it." I didn't know how to tell her my feelings. I felt like I wasn't making any sense at all. I needed to tell her that I never stopped loving her. Ever. But was it too soon to say those words? "I made mistakes in the past. Horrible mistakes that I regret... and…" I paused, taking a deep breath. "As much as I wish Macy was _ours_... it doesn't matter anymore. None of it matters anymore because you're back in my life and I... I've just missed you."

Bella hiccupped, keeping her face pressed against me. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I was horrible to you."

"I'm sorry, too. I was horrible as well."

"You weren't. I was so stupid, Edward."

"Stop, Bella."

"Please accept my apology. I can't live with myself if you don't."

"Of course I do. And please accept mine."

Letting out a quiet laugh, she nodded and sat up, her big brown eyes staring into mine. "I do."

"We should get you back to the tent. You're going to get sick." She was shivering almost violently, even with the blanket and my arm wrapped around her. "And you've got some major shopping to do, young lady, so you need to stay well."

"Yeah, I guess so."

I stood and pulled her up with me. I felt like I was nineteen again and dying to kiss her. And though we'd worked through a tough conversation, and I'd hinted to her about how I felt about her, I knew we weren't to the point where I could kiss her.

I had time, though.

When I looked to my future, she was all I could see. Missing out on ten years together was nothing when I had the rest of my life to show her that we were meant to be together. And she knew it. Everyone knew it. I would always love Bella Swan.

**-O-**

* * *

**(Sorry for the lyrics at the beginning - I know some hate that, but I heard this song and immediately thought of this story... In fact, I wrote this chapter while listening to it.) **

**As always, thanks for reading and for putting up with the long delays. The next chapter is almost finished, so there will not be a long wait again. **

**Thanks a million to Jen_328 for her terrific beta skills and Teacher1209 & Jadsmama for pre-reading. **

**Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! **

**BTW, how did you all like Breaking Dawn? I thought it was wonderful. Some odd moments... but for the most part, it was just as I pictured it in the book. **

**See you guys soon! **

**Fic Rec:**

**Land in My Arms by luckyirishtart ... it's complete and kept me glued to my phone today. Edward in a flightsuit...? Um, _yes. _**


	22. Party

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.**

* * *

_Hopelessly  
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss  
Hopelessly  
I feel like the window closes oh so quick  
Hopelessly  
I'm taking a mental picture of you now  
'Cuz hopelessly  
The hope is we have so much to feel good about  
_

_Oh this has gotta be the good life  
This has gotta be the good life  
This could really be a good life, good life_

_Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight_  
_Like this city is on fire tonight_  
_This could really be a good life_  
_A good, good life_  
_**-****Good ****Life ****by ****One****Republic**_

* * *

**-O-**

_**Bella**_

_**You home yet? It's been a little over two hours now... getting kind of worried. – B**_

Sunday evening, Alice, Jasper and Edward dropped Macy and me off at our house. Edward helped me unload our things and before he left, I made him promise he'd text when he got home. It was raining and the temperature was dipping below the freezing mark, making traveling kind of dangerous.

_**Had a little fender-bender on my way out of town. Nothing serious, but it's going to be a while until I get home. I'll text when I am though. – E**_

Even as a teenager, my worst fear was Edward being in an accident on his way back home. Did he not realize that's how I lost Angela? Regardless of how minor the accident was, I was still a nervous wreck. Edward was always one to sugarcoat things, never wanting to make me worry.

Before I could think twice about what I was doing, I loaded Macy into the car and headed to Jasper and Alice's house. It wasn't far and she'd already had her bath for school the next day, and with the extra room they'd made up for her, she could get settled in for bed right away. And I knew, without a doubt, Alice and Jasper would both be very supportive of what I was going to do.

Sitting at the longest red light in Texarkana, I replied to his last text.

_**Where are you at? – B**_

_**Bell, don't go out. The roads are pretty nasty. – E**_

_**I'm already out. Tell me. – B**_

My phone buzzed with another text, but I waited to read it until I drove a few more blocks and pulled into the driveway. Macy was bouncing off the walls, so excited that she was sleeping over at their house on a school night.

Jasper was standing outside in the driveway, waiting for us to arrive. I'd called Alice before leaving and told her what had happened and why I was coming over with Macy so late. The satisfied smile on Jasper's face didn't escape my notice. Macy unbuckled herself and gave me a kiss before Jasper opened the backdoor to help her out.

"I'll pick her up later tonight or in the morning, depending on how long this takes..."

Chuckling, Jasper showed me the latest text he'd received from Edward. _**Do.**__**NOT.**__**Let**__**Bella**__**go**__**out**__**in**__**this**__**crap.**__**Make**__**her**__**stay**__**at**__**your**__**house.**__**She**__**'**__**ll**__**freak**__**even**__**though**__**it**__**'**__**s**__**just**__**minor**__**injuries.**__** –**__**E**_

"Minor injuries? He told me it was just a fender-bender!"

"Yeah... hon, it was just on the news that a mass pile-up was causing traffic delays on Fifty-nine. Edward stayed out to help some that were hurt pretty badly, but they just took him to the Emergency Room. And Bell, I'm telling you all of this so you can be prepared... do not drive like a bat out of hell to get to him. He's okay, just banged up."

"Okay... okay," I said, thankful he was okay, but so upset that he'd been in an accident. I remembered that he'd sent me a text right before I got to Jasper and Alice's house.

_**Christus ER. But Bella, please, if you care about me at all, do not come here. I will go crazy worrying over you in this. I'm fine. I promise. And I will call you as soon as I'm out of here. –Edward**_

He had to be absolutely crazy to think that I wouldn't go out to see him. Though we'd only made small steps in our newfound friendship... relationship... or whatever it was, it was obviously apparent that I still had strong feelings for him.

I didn't reply back, knowing he was just going to keep telling me to stay in. It was pointless. And after receiving a lecture from Jasper to drive extremely slowly and to call as soon as I arrived, I left, carefully making my way to the hospital.

I absolutely hated hospitals, having spent so much time there during my mother's illness. I made a vow that I would never step foot in one again after she died, and yet, I had already been in one for Macy in the last month and again, for Edward.

After calling Jasper, I hurried inside, trying really hard not to fall because that would have been embarrassing. The ground was covered with ice, and though I was sure I'd fall, I didn't. Thank God.

"Can I go back to see Edward Cullen, please?" I asked as I approached the front desk.

I hoped they didn't insist on only family, but if I had to, I would lie.

"Sure thing... he's in thirty-nine, just through those doors."

As I walked down the hallway, I knew that things between Edward and me would never be the same again. I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings, knowing full well that showing up at the hospital in the middle of the night gave them all away. I cared about him so much it hurt. It would have killed me if something worse had happened to him that night. Though it wasn't a life-threatening accident, I wouldn't feel _okay_until I saw him.

Standing outside his room, I heard him talking to someone.

"..._I__think__her__name__was__Jill,__maybe?__Baby__'__s__name__was__Sarah.__"_

"_The baby's fine, and mom, too. She wanted me to thank you, again. But you stop worrying about everyone else... we've got to get you stitched up and a cast on that arm in just a bit. Is there anything else I can get you?"_

"_No... thanks, though."_

As the nurse exited the room, she smiled sweetly and called over her shoulder that he had a visitor. After she excused herself and held open the door for me, I entered the room and was immediately shocked by his appearance. He was covered from head to toe with blankets and still seemed to be shivering, which was to be expected, considering he was helping at the scene of the wreck for so long. He had a cut on his face and his hair was an absolute mess, and he was still wearing that uncomfortable neck brace. To add to it, there were a few droplets of blood on the floor beside his bed.

A small fender-bender wouldn't have caused injuries like he had. He must've thought I was the biggest moron in the world if for one second, I believed his casual-accident story. "Fender-bender, huh?"

Edward smirked, but grimaced immediately. "I knew you would worry too much."

"What happened?" I asked, walking slowly over to his bed. Lightly, I ran my fingertips over his covered arm.

"The car in front of me hit a slick spot and freaked out on their brakes... caused a five-car collision."

Edward was such a careful driver, so I knew it annoyed him to no end that he'd been in an accident. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

"Nah," he replied with a whisper, smoothly slipping his hand from beneath the blanket to reach for my hand and squeezing it gently. "Thanks for coming, but I was going to get Jasper to come... I didn't want you driving in this, Bell."

"I _did_grow up in Colorado... you do remember that? The place that gets snowfall constantly? So I'm pretty sure I can drive in a little freezing rain."

"Always so stubborn."

"Always so... know-it-all-ish," I retorted, giving him a good laugh.

"Don't make me laugh... it hurts," he replied with a grin.

Three hours later, Edward was being released and I was trying to remember if Macy cleaned up the guest room. She had a tendency to take all of her baby dolls in there and make it their room. Either way, I'd let Edward sleep in my bed if need be. After he tried to get me to call a cab to drive him back home to Marshall, I insisted on him coming back to my house. It was already so late and I planned on calling in sick for work anyway, so there was no sense in him taking a cab back to Marshall.

Once we received the discharge instructions, I stopped by the front desk on my way out to get my car and asked if they would fax Edward's pain pill prescription to my pharmacy. He had insisted on no pain pills, but he was being incredibly stubborn and didn't want to accept the fact that he was actually in pain. His nurse laughed and gave me a wink, saying she would get it done right away.

The horrified look on Edward's face as I stood in under the awning, holding the passenger door open, was priceless. He hated the idea of having to ride in a wheelchair and even though he used his _doctor_title, they didn't care and followed Emergency Room protocol.

I couldn't stop giggling like a ridiculous child.

"Very funny, Swan. I'm glad you're enjoying this."

"Oh, I am. Very much so."

"Glad my misery is giving you some enjoyment."

"Yes, it is. Thank you for that."

_God, I loved him._

**-O-**

After a short wait at the pharmacy for Edward's pain medicine, we finally arrived at my house. For the first time in my life, I found that Edward hated _needing_someone's help. He was stubborn, defensive over his weakness, and lied when he claimed he felt no pain.

Awkwardly, I helped him inside my house and led him down the hallway where he could get some rest. But just as I expected, the guest room bed was covered with dolls and stuffed animals. Edward chuckled when he saw the bed, and at my embarrassment of the messy room as I slung the dolls off of the bed. "It's really okay if you sleep in my room. I don't mind at all."

"Nah, I'll sleep in here with all the dolls. Hope none of 'em come alive like _Chucky_, Bell," he said with a menacing tone, trying to spook me like he did when we were teenagers.

"Haha... I'm a grown-up now. Not affected by that scary movie anymore."

"Well, you weren't too young back then, if I recall..." he replied coolly, lowering himself to the bed, watching me tentatively. He said it with a chuckle, but my dirty mind went to other memories –memories of us in his truck–and my blushing was out of control.

Fluffing his pillows, I ignored his stare and focused on my task at hand. "He scared you, too, but you'll never admit it," I replied shyly as Edward laughed again. "Anyway... do you want some water? Or, um... I think I have Sprite Zero and Diet Coke. Oh, and Sunny D."

"Nah, I'm good. Just think I'll try to get some sleep."

"Right. Of course. I'm sure you're tired," I said, attempting to quickly retreat from the bedroom, only to be stopped by his hand wrapped around my wrist.

"Are you okay?" he asked. The low rumble of his voice was both sexy and so caring at the same time. I nodded, unable to take my eyes away from his. "I... I know that it's been so long, Bella, but you can talk to me about anything. I want to be... I want to be _someone_in your life. You can depend on me... and I just, I care about you a lot. Still. That never changed."

I had the immense urge to crawl into his lap and ask for him to hold me. I needed to feel his arms around me again. "You are. You always have been. More than you know."

Feeling like an utter coward at my admission, I gently pulled my arm from his grasp and left the room.

**-O-**

The next day, I drove Edward to Marshall after a semi-awkward morning. Tiptoeing around the house while he slept led to dancing around each other in the kitchen when he woke up for coffee. The tension continued when the usual one-hour trip took us almost two hours to make. Rather than focusing on being nervous around Edward, I had to pay attention to the icy roads. They were horrible and though I wouldn't admit it to Edward, I hated driving in those conditions.

Thankfully, Macy's school was closed for the day and luckily enough, I didn't have to call-in for work as the office was closed, as well. Grown-up or not, I internally squealed when the office closed. Apparently, it was very rare that my office closed because Texarkana didn't have a lot of inclement weather.

Macy was going to spend the day with Alice and Brandon, baking cookies and wrapping presents. I didn't tell Macy that I was taking Edward home or else she would've insisted on tagging along. It was amazing to see how much Macy cared about Edward and vice-versa. It was like a dream come true for me.

Edward lived on the land that his dad owned, just outside of Marshall. The turn-off for his house was a few miles away from his parents' house. Like déjà-vu, I remembered driving down that road so long ago; during an ice storm and crying over Edward. But this time I wasn't crying; I felt really confident regarding our relationship. If we turned out to be only friends, I would've been disappointed, but at least he'd be in my life.

His house was beautiful and huge. I knew he had hopes of having a family someday, so I wasn't surprised by the size of his home. It had two stories, and from what he had told me on the way there, an extremely large basement. The landscaping alone left me speechless; so many trees and beautiful plants, along with the heated pool and large patio area, which were perfect for parties.

"I'm just gonna call my dad... make yourself at home. Look around... get something to drink," Edward said, retreating to the living room as I stood inside his massive kitchen.

I felt tiny in the enormous space. Running my fingertips along the countertop, I imagined what it would be like to wake up in the mornings and cook breakfast for him and Macy. How it'd feel to have him come up behind me and...

I had to stop myself. It was too soon for those thoughts – way too soon. I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment, but I had to have hope. It was really all I had. Hope that someday we could find happiness together. Hope that he'd love me the same way I loved him.

_**Edward**_

I tried to never tell my mother about my "love-life", but when my break-up with Bella happened, I couldn't hold back. Most men are ashamed to admit to having a good relationship with their mother, but I wasn't. She was a good friend – a good listener.

I told her about Bella's horrendous father. And our sudden break-up. I didn't sugarcoat my involvement. I blamed myself for everything. My mom listened and understood Bella's point of view, along with mine.

And now that Bella was back in my life, I was sure that she'd be excited for me.

I didn't get to give Bella much warning that my parents were coming over. They were like my own personal stalkers and had some sixth sense that I was home. My dad was already helping my mom into the car when I called him.

Seeing Bella fidget when I told her my parents would be there in a few minutes made me want to hold her – comfort her in some way, but I didn't know how. I was so confused in that moment, wondering what I should do. Instead, I watched her smile brightly as she checked her phone to find a message from Macy, via Alice.

"She made you a Christmas present," Bella said, still smiling while clutching her phone.

I couldn't stop the growing smile on my face. "I'm honored."

"I hope you like ten-day-old cookies."

Chuckling, I absentmindedly placed my hand over hers. She didn't flinch, just blushed when she looked down at our hands. Too soon, our moment was interrupted by the doorknob rattling on my front door.

My parents had arrived, and the nervousness was apparent on Bella's face as we walked into the living room to meet them. My mom was like a mind-reader and could immediately sense Bella's unease. I didn't know if Bella was really that nervous to see meet with my parents, or if she was shocked by how badly my mom's disease had progressed. I didn't really go into details with her before, not wanting express my worries over my mom, since it hadn't been that long since she'd lost Renee. But in just a few short years, my mom went from being active every day, to wheelchair bound and unable to do the simplest of tasks. I hated Parkinson's disease.

Rolling right past me, she went to Bella and smiled sweetly. "It's so good to see you again, Bella," she said, gently taking Bella's hand. "Thanks so much for taking care of my boy."

Bella blushed, like always, smiling shyly. "Good to see you, too... and it was no problem at all." She looked to my dad and nodded. "Hi, Dr. Cullen."

"Just Carlisle, Bella. This old kid over here has taken over that role," my dad chuckled, nudging my good arm.

"Yeah, and he's pretty good at it, I must say," Bella replied, smiling at me. "My daughter had a little accident and Edward was amazing with her."

"Oh, you have a daughter! I hope you have pictures?" my mom asked, her face lighting up as she gave me a quick wink.

Bella pulled out her phone, which had more than enough pictures of Macy to keep my mom busy. They excused themselves, Bella pushing Esme into the living room, ready to show off her girl. Always being overly caring, my dad checked over the bruises and small scratches I'd acquired, along with making sure my cast was wrapped properly. In my thirties, and still being treated like a child.

**-O-**

After my parents left, Bella and I had a late lunch before she had to go back home. I wished so much that she could stay, but I knew she had Macy to get back to. I was being selfish, but I hated being apart from her.

Before she left, she started to open up to me. I told her again that I wanted her to feel like she could talk to me, and surprisingly enough, she did. Talking about her dad always made me insanely angry. Though he helped create someone so special to me, I hated the man. He had no idea how wonderful his daughter was and would probably _never_know.

"My dad is coming, along with my brothers and their families, and Garrett's family. And I don't know how I'm going to react, being around my dad... not only did he cause problems for us, but I haven't spoken to him since Mom died. Garrett was the one to tell him that I was moving. He just sort of invited himself to Macy's birthday party this year." It was going to be her first birthday without Bella's mom; though she'd been suffering throughout the last one, she'd still been there. "I'm just really nervous."

I grimaced at the mention of her father. "And who are they all staying with?"

"My dad will be staying at my aunt's house... I don't know where Paul and Seth will stay. And Garrett, along with his girlfriend and his parents, will be staying at a hotel."

"Is this the same woman that he...?"

"Yes, the very one. I'm in no way jealous... I just think she has a lot of nerve, considering she was technically a home-wrecker, and now I'm expected to be okay with her being around my daughter?" She sighed softly, her cheeks slightly pink with her admission. "I'm sorry... I hate complaining about this stuff."

I nudged her foot with mine beneath the table. "Don't apologize. I'm glad you feel like you can talk about this stuff with me. And I agree, it's ridiculous that he's bringing her, but I understand why you're keeping the peace... for Macy's sake."

Bella was a stronger woman than she realized.

After a long stretch of silence, Bella nodded, her eyes meeting mine. "So... would you consider coming to her birthday party? She made an invitation for you... and I'd reallylikeforyoutocome."

The smile on my face could not be contained. "Of course I will."

Bella grinned, her cheeks reddening within seconds. She rummaged through her purse and pulled out an envelope, addressed to DR. EDWARD, MY FRIEND. I laughed and opened it quickly; already this little girl had me wrapped around her finger.

**PLEAS COME TO MY PARTY.**

**ITS ON SATRDAY AT TWO. YOU DO NOT**

**HAV TO BRING PERSINTS. JUST YOU.**

**LOVE,**

**MACE**

**PS: THER WIL BE CAKE AND ICE CREM AND HOTDOGS**

There were tons of hearts everywhere, along with balloons and flowers. I felt honored that she wanted me there. Who knew that a child's hand-written birthday invitation would touch me this much?

I chuckled and held it up to Bella. "Cake, ice cream and hot dogs? A girl after my heart. Who can resist that?"

"I think it'd ruin her day if you didn't go..."

"Then tell her that I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Good," Bella said with a cheeky grin. "Very good."

Bella probably didn't realize it at the time, but I spent the entire next week looking forward to seeing the two girls that I cared about so much. I spent every night searching the internet for the perfect birthday gift for Macy, and since I'd canceled the conference that I'd planned to attend in Longview, I made some calls to friends there and found the bike Bella had been searching for. Bella thanked me, about a million times over the phone when I told her that I got it. I loved being able to help her like that.

My parents sent a thank-you card to Bella and a birthday card for Macy, even though they didn't know her at all. They still couldn't get over Bella's kindness after my accident and her sweet demeanor when she helped my mother get around my house those few hours she spent there. Bella was a caring, giving person and I loved her so much it hurt. No other woman could ever make me feel the way she did.

There were only a few vehicles at Bella's house when I arrived for Macy's party. I recognized one of them as Jasper's, but the other two – I had no idea who they belonged to. Regardless of how much I tried to deny it, it was going to be extremely awkward, being in the same room as her ex-husband; more so than being around her father. I wanted to beat her father's face like I did Emmett's, but I would be the bigger man and show him that no matter how hard he tried to keep me out of her life, I was back and wouldn't be separated from her ever again.

But her ex-husband... no matter what caused our break-up, I still considered him the man who won Bella. And the man who didn't treat her the way she deserved to be treated. There was no man worthy of a woman like Bella.

Knocking a couple of times on the door, I clutched Macy's present in my hand, having ignored her stipulation that I didn't have to bring one.

"Hi, Edward!" Macy squealed, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me inside. "He's here, Momma! He's here!"

"Happy birthday, Macy-girl," I said, lightly ruffling her hair.

She put her hands on her hips and gave me the same look her mother would always give. "I said no presents! My momma's gonna think I invited you just for the presents, and I didn't!"

"I know you didn't invite me just for this, sweetie," I chuckled, "and I will tell your mother I said so."

A guy about my size with blonde hair rounded the corner, chuckling as he snapped a picture of Macy. "Mace-face, what'd I tell you about opening the door? You gotta wait for an adult."

"But Daddy, it's Edward. You know... _Dr.__Edward_, that _saved__me_!" Macy retorted with a long sigh.

Garrett extended his arm for a handshake. "Nice to meet you, Edward. I'm Garrett, this little stinker's dad."

"Good to meet you," I replied politely, feeling so... just indescribable. I never thought I'd be meeting this man. The man who–at one time–had everything that I wanted.

"Daddy, Edward was in an accident last week," she said, running her fingertips over my casted arm. "And he told Momma that I get to be the first one to write on his cast. Do you know where a marker is, Daddy?"

"No, I–"

Bella walked up, joining us with a shy smile on her face. It was amazing that after all of our history together, all that we shared, she was still shy and blushing around me. "Mace, let Edward have a moment to breathe, why don't ya? And the markers are in the office on the black shelf... unless you didn't put them up, little lady..."

"I did, Momma. I just forgot. Silly me!" Macy giggled, hurrying down the hall. Hands down, she was the funniest kid I'd ever met.

"Hi, Edward," Bella said, taking a few steps toward me. Garrett stood on the other side of her, intently watching our interaction.

"Hey... here's this," I said, handing Macy's present to her.

Bella thanked me and asked if I'd been introduced to Garrett yet. She was a bumbling mess – so nervous that I wished there was something I could do to help her relax. But a few seconds later, I realized exactly why she was so wound up.

"Hey, Bells... when'd you say this party will be starting? Your brothers want to know when to come over."

Sighing quietly, Bella rubbed the back of her neck, a cautious look on her face. Garrett must've known how bad things were between her and Charlie, so he answered for her, excusing himself to join Charlie in the living room. From the short conversations we'd had about her ex-husband, he sounded like a pretty decent man, if you take out the cheating part. He was a good friend to Bella and supported her move to Texas, knowing that she had to get away from the family that never supported her.

"I'm sorry, Edward," she whispered. "I really thought he'd skip out on the party."

"Don't, Bell... it's okay." I felt so horrible, seeing tears well in her eyes. "I'm sure he won't be happy to see me... but honestly, I can't wait to see the look on his face when he sees that his little plan didn't work."

Bella nodded and gave me a small grin.

"So let's just enjoy ourselves and not worry about your dad. If he's mad, then so be it, but you live far away from him now. He has no hold over you whatsoever."

"Okay." She sniffled and blinked a few times. "Come on, let's go in the kitchen."

I followed behind her, feeling guilty because I was staring at her ass the entire time. How did my mind always go there, even at stressful times like those?

"Have a seat... you shouldn't be standing too long on that leg," she ordered, pulling out a chair for me. I sat down and watched as she resumed chopping several pieces of fruit.

"Okay, _Dr_. Bella," I teased. "But if you'll remember, I didn't break my _leg_."

"Don't sass me, Edward," she replied with a wink.

I loved the playful side of her; the side that was rare for me to see. In the past, we had nothing but stress revolving around our relationship. But things were so different now. _We_were different.

**-O-**

As the guests trickled in, Bella and I stayed in the kitchen, preparing the food for the party. Her aunt and uncle arrived, along with Alice and Jasper. Alice gushed over the fact that I was helping Bella in the kitchen. In the past, I knew she was always our own personal cheerleader, always so supportive of us. And now, she was no different; well, maybe a little pushier than before.

Everything was going great. Perfect, in fact. Until Seth and Paul, along with their families, showed up. Oh, and with Charlie's new girlfriend. Emphasizing the word _girl_. Heidi looked like she'd just graduated high school. _Maybe_. Actually, that's not true. The outfit she wore made her look like a teeny-bopper. She was probably around Bella's age, which didn't make the situation any better. Her age, coupled with the fact that Bella's mom hadn't been gone for a full year; it created a disaster on what was supposed to be a special day.

"I'm sorry. Did you say girlfriend?" Bella asked, looking shocked and confused.

It was so quiet; you could hear a pin drop.

Charlie nodded nonchalantly. Heidi smacked her gum – something that annoyed Bella more than anything. And I knew she was not going to hold back anymore. Out of respect for her mother and for herself, she couldn't be silent anymore.

"Why, you son-of-a-bitch! How could you? She hasn't even been dead for a year. A year! Nobody moves on that quickly." She wasn't yelling, but whispering loudly. Loud enough and angry enough to show Charlie that she was disgusted.

"I've been lonely, Bells."

"Oh, shut up! I've been lonely without her, too, but you don't see me out there searching for a new mom. That's the dumbest excuse I've ever heard. She was my very best friend... the only person in this freaking family that really cared about me. I don't have her now, and it's the worst feeling in the world. And for the last time, stop calling me 'Bells'."

I spotted Macy on the floor, by the front door. She seemed to be oblivious to the situation unfolding in front of us, focusing on her new toy she opened earlier in the day. I knew that Bella wouldn't want her anywhere near the drama, so I quietly made my way over to her. "Mace, let's go see if I can fix that motor-home for you."

Macy grinned and clutched my hand as I pulled her up. Bella had complained that Macy was always off in her own little world, but in this case, it was a good thing. Once we got to her room, she pulled out her Barbie motor-home and showed me the parts that needed fixing. I went to work while she put some clothes on her scantily-clad Barbies, so they weren't embarrassed in front of me.

Twenty or so minutes had passed when a quiet knock on Macy's door alerted both of us to take a break from setting up her Barbie campsite. Garrett stood in the doorway with a pensive look on his face. I wondered if it bothered him that Macy and I got along so well; I would probably be livid if my daughter had another male role model in her life. And for being so understanding, I respected him a little more. But in the back of my mind, I remembered the pain that he'd caused Bella, as well.

He motioned for me to come over to him, so I excused myself from Macy, wondering what happened after I took her out of the room.

"Hey, man... I'm sorry to bother, but could you go talk with Bella. She's in her room and pretty torn up. I think... I know that you're important to her. And nothing I'm saying is making any of this better."

He didn't need to say anything more to convince me to go to her. It was killing me to be apart from her, not being there to back her up when she called her dad an asshole because that's exactly what he was. Regardless of what he claimed, it was obvious that he never cared about Renee, and he never cared that his teenage daughter gave up her life to do the things that he should have done without question. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't be able to leave my wife's side. I would have to quit work because I couldn't be away from her. I walked to Bella's room, my heart aching at the thought of Bella ever being sick like her mother.

Her door was cracked open and I could hear her quietly crying. She heard the door open and pulled her hands away from her face. Red-rimmed eyes and a flushed face, angry and sad at the same time; she was still beautiful to me.

Bella stood up and began pacing in front of me. "I hate him. God, Edward… how can I hate my own father?" she asked, tears pouring down her face. "He made my life a living hell... and still, he probably isn't intentionally doing it, but he still gets to me. And I just... gah, he's such an evil person!"

Without giving it another thought, I pulled her to my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around her. "Calm down, Bell... everything's going to be okay. I promise."

"How can you say that? It will never be okay. My life... I'm just such a mess. And I can't be a mess. I have to be a good mom to Macy. I don't have time to feel... sorry for myself like this."

This woman had sacrificed so much for everyone. She always worried about everyone else's problems. Never her own. Mom or not, she deserved a day of letting it all out. Her frustrations and feelings had been bottled up for too long. "You're a great mother to Macy. If you don't listen to me, then listen to everyone else who sees you with her. Listen to Macy. Bella, she loves you more than anything. Anyone can see how much she looks up to you." Talking about Macy's love for her seemed to make her cry even more. "And Bell, you _need_a day to yourself. To let it all out. You've never given yourself that before."

Seeming to have ignored everything I said, she continued ranting about her father. "He has some nerve bringing that... that stupid girl here! I mean, for years, all I ever heard was that you were too old for me... and she's probably close to my age! How pathetic is that?"

Moving us to sit on the bed, I listened to her. She needed to vent, and I wanted to be the person she could do that with.

"And it didn't work. He didn't keep me away for too long. I'm here... and I'm not going away." I wanted to tell her that I was still very much in love with her, but I couldn't just yet. I wanted us to start again... have a normal relationship. A few dates. A stolen kiss when I dropped her off. And after biting my tongue for a few weeks, I'd probably blurt it out when I said goodnight after one of our dates.

Shifting on the bed, Bella faced me; her cheeks flushed red as though she could read my mind. "Ten years was too long to live without you."

"I know. But I'll never let that happen again."

"This is so hard," Bella whispered, placing her hand over my heart. Could she feel how fast she made it beat? "My whole life I've been... I don't know what I'm trying to say here."

She turned her face away from me, pulling back again, but I wasn't going to let her. I placed my hand over hers, not letting her break our connection. I had to push her to get it out. "Tell me, Bella."

"Macy... she's the only thing that kept me going all this time. And I think I just... I resigned myself to the fact that I could never have you back in my life again. I... you were always the one piece that was missing. And I know that..." she paused, brushing tears away from her cheeks. "I know with the mistakes and hurt I've caused, nothing will ever be the same again... we can never go back. But I just... I need you back in my life, Edward. I can't stand it anymore.

"When I lived in Colorado, I thought of you every day, regardless of what was going on. I mean, I Googled and Facebook stalked you, for God's sake... I could never get you out of my head. And then I moved here... and the emptiness I felt tripled. I've never felt so incomplete in my entire life."

I knew exactly how she felt.

"When I saw you with that beautiful woman in Marshall, I felt like my heart was going to stop. And it was so ridiculously stupid of me to feel that way, considering I'd married another man. But I couldn't help it. I can't believe I'm telling you this," she mumbled, her face turning a darker shade of red, hanging her head down to hide from me again.

"She wasn't you. Bella, no other woman could ever live up to you."

Bella chuckled sadly, shaking her head back and forth. "I'm nothing special. I ruined everything for us. I'm to blame for–"

"Stop, Bell... you have to stop. I know that I was harsh in the past and we both went through a lot of hurt, but you were a kid. A kid put in a horrible situation... and nothing was easy on you. Your dad made everything too hard... your brothers, they failed to acknowledge the fact that they were adults and you were just a kid, taking care of your mom all by yourself... and I failed you. I just gave up... trying to be stubborn and being a complete ass to the one person that I loved the most."

"I pushed you away," she cried softly.

I let go of her hand to put my arms around her and pull her to my chest. "And I didn't push back. We were kids. We made mistakes. But we're adults now... and I'm still... my feelings for you have never gone away. They've never changed. Not at all."

Looking directly into my eyes, she opened her mouth a few times to speak, but stopped every time. I was patient and waited for her to find the words she needed to say. "Where do we go from here? I mean... as I said, I still... I never stopped loving you, Edward. So what do we do now?"

I couldn't stop smiling. Standing before me, the tear-stained, flushed face girl that I had always loved said that _she__loved__me_, and I had never felt so happy and relieved in my entire life. "We take it slow. But we have to stop denying this, Bell... I can't hold back my feelings for you anymore."

Bella smiled softly, nervously tucking loose strands of hair behind her ear. "And I don't want you to... I just don't want to confuse Macy."

"So we'll start out small. I think I owe you several dates; don't you agree?" She nodded, still giving me her stunning smile. "And we'll be honest with each other. I think that was always our problem... we never communicated enough, always worried about how the other would feel. We're not kids anymore and there isn't a huge distance separating us. Because if you hang up on me or we have a little argument, I'll just drive an hour to insist on you speaking to me again."

"Same goes for you," Bella chuckled.

"Good. Now that that's settled, let's go have some cake and irritate the hell out of your dad. He hates me with a passion, and just my presence alone will probably make him leave soon. Okay?" I asked, standing up and holding my hand out to her.

Bella took my hand, allowing me to pull her up. Without a second thought, she wrapped her arms around me. I reveled in the fact that she felt comfortable to do that. After our talk, I had a feeling that we wouldn't feel so uptight about those small actions that meant so much.

"I really am the luckiest man alive," I whispered in her ear, lightly kissing the tip of it.

I would not mess this up. Bella was back in my life, and I was getting a second chance at happiness with her. Nothing would get in my way. I would show her that we could have a good life together. We _would_have a _great_ life together.

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**Still there? Sorry for the delay (again). I'm working on the next chapter now. I don't want to give a specific timeframe of when it will be finished, but you can follow me on twitter (jengreen03) and I'll tweet my progress. Every time when I think my life is settling down, something happens out of the blue and I'm struggling to keep up with everything (including writing). I hate not posting weekly, like I always did in the past with my other stories - I assure you, I would rather write than deal with RL issues. Anywho, sorry for that rant/explanation. **

**Like it? Hate it? Let me know.**

**Big thanks to the usuals: Jen328, Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. Couldn't do it without y'all. **

**And thanks to everyone reading this story. I appreciate the comments, PMs and tweets more than you can imagine. **

**Merry Christmas! **


	23. Blush

**disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.**

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When Edward and I rejoined everyone for Macy's party, I tried to forget about the fight I had with my dad. He was openly glaring at Edward and me from across the room but made no attempt to voice his issue with me or _us_. And I couldn't focus on him. I had a daughter who needed to know nothing else mattered on her special day.

I wasn't going to let my father's presence leave lasting memories on her birthday. She and I were already struggling with not having my mother there, and neither of us needed additional stress. Knowing I had my family _and _Edward there for me helped me get through the day.

Shockingly enough, Edward and Garrett seemed to get along pretty well. They talked about sports galore, and when that topic ran out, they discussed politics. Luckily, they were both for the same party, or there'd have been a big debate going on.

"Momma, are you happy?" Macy asked as I sat cross-legged on the floor, listening to Edward talk.

I pulled her into my lap and soundly kissed her cheek. "I've got you, so of course I'm happy, baby."

"But I mean really happy? Like you're not sad about Nanny anymore?"

"I'll always miss Nanny... and yes, I'm happy. Nanny wouldn't want us to be sad all the time. Would she?"

"Nope. She said we're prettier when we smile."

"Very true, sweetheart. Are you happy? Did you like all your presents?"

Nodding enthusiastically, she grinned from ear to ear. "Can we do makeovers later? Did you see the make-up kit that Aunt Ali gotted me? It's awesome!"

"I did. And sure we can. How about we camp out tonight? Makeovers and s'mores, too?"

"Yay!" she squealed, making my day even better.

Edward looked over to us, giving me a crooked smile and wink. After our earlier admissions, my heart was in overdrive, thinking of the possibilities for us. I didn't have to wonder how he felt or if he'd want me the way I wanted him. He was willing to give us another chance, and I would take anything he was willing to give. Just like ten years ago, he was still the man of my dreams.

**-O-**

When the party began to dwindle down, I escaped to the kitchen, successfully avoiding my dad and brothers leaving. They didn't bother trying to find me, and for that, I was extremely grateful. Alice and Jasper, along with my aunt and uncle, made sure to walk them out, seeing to it that they didn't bother me at all.

Garrett's parents found me washing dishes and practically begged to help with cleaning up, but I insisted that they didn't. Regardless of what had gone on between Garrett and me, they hadn't changed one bit – they were still the best in-laws a person could ask for. Though they didn't like Garrett's new girlfriend very much, they talked her into heading home with them, leaving Garrett, Edward, Macy and me alone.

Edward cleaned up the living room while Garrett helped Macy get ready for bed. She was so exhausted that she forgot about her "camp-out" plans. I loved spending time with my girl, but after the day I'd had, I was relieved that she had forgotten.

"I guess I should get going..." Edward said from the doorway of the kitchen. "It's pretty late."

I hadn't even realized just how late it was, and I hated that Edward would be driving home so late. A million thoughts ran through my head. Had he taken his pain meds? Should I even let him drive home if he had? What if he's too tired to drive? What if–

Edward chuckled while my mind raced. "Stop."

I threw the wash cloth on the counter, blushing. "Stop what?"

"You worry too much, Bell."

"No, I – well, I–"

Taking three large steps, Edward stood just inches away from me. "Quit it. I'm going to go home, driving carefully, and no, I didn't taken any pain pills or drink any alcohol-though it was tempting." He chuckled, pausing before continuing on. "And I will call you as soon as I pull into the driveway... or better yet, you can call me anytime you want and we'll talk about crappy music stations on my way back home. Oh, and we can figure out where I should take you and Macy out to dinner tomorrow."

"We're going out to dinner?" I asked in small, somewhat shy voice. _So stupid, I am._

"Yes. I have to win over your girl, so maybe she'll let me take her mom out sometime – just adults."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Believe me; _Mr. Edward _can do no wrong. Macy loves you."

Edward tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear – one of those swoony things that I love. "Well, I love her, too... and I'm crazy over her mother."

It's moments like those – ones that make your heart flutter because a man who didn't conceive this child with me loves her. I can't even describe how happy that made me feel.

I wanted him to kiss me so badly it hurt.

Edward leaned forward, and I thought he was going to kiss me, but he didn't lower his head enough and I ended up with his perfect lips against my forehead. "Goodnight, sweet girl."

**-O-**

Once Edward left, I found Garrett sitting in the living room, flipping through old photo albums Alice had dug out earlier. We made small talk about Macy, talking about how quickly she'd grown up and how beautiful she is. I could practically hear the pain in his voice when he talked about how much he'd missed. And with Macy and me living so far away, he'll miss much more.

"Edward seems like a really nice guy."

I nod silently, staring at my hands.

"He's in love with you."

I nod again, wondering if he can tell that I love Edward, too.

"I just want you to be happy. I know living with me and living with some members of your family wasn't easy... and well, you deserve the best. Does this guy make you happy? Is he good for Macy?"

"You weren't so bad Garrett... I think we just weren't made for each other. And yes, Edward does make me happy. He's good to Macy, cares about her a lot."

I had rarely seen Garrett get emotional, so I was slightly shocked to see his eyes mist over with his next confession. "I always knew that you'd meet someone – I mean, any man would be crazy to pass you up... and I knew whoever the guy was, he would be a stand-in dad for Mace. That's my worst fear – that she'll call another man her dad, and resent me for not being around."

"No man–no matter how great he is–will ever replace her daddy. I wouldn't let that happen and most of all, Macy wouldn't. She loves you, Garrett." I always hated the idea of sharing my little girl and worrying over some woman in his life trying to be a mother to her, so I could understand where he was coming from. "And I understand how you feel. I have the same worries."

"Bella, you're an amazing mother. Irreplaceable."

I tried with all my might not to cry, but failed miserably. "I know I've been stingy when it comes to visitation, and I am going to loosen up, I promise. It's just hard knowing that woman won you over, and worrying that she might win over my daughter, too. And this isn't about the affair... I know we were bound to end, but it's still–"

Without any hesitation, Garrett pulled me to him, hugging me tightly. "I know, and I'm so sorry. But you never have to worry about Macy thinking of anyone else as her mother. I think we both love our girl so much, we just worry _too _much. No matter where our lives take us, she's _our little girl,_ and I know I can trust you to make the right decisions for her and I hope you will always trust me."

"I will," I replied, sniffling slightly. I never thought my night would end up like that. I felt utterly exhausted over the day's events, not having cried that much in a very long time.

Garrett sensed my exhaustion and helped pick up a little more before leaving. Feeling grateful that he was being a good ex-husband and father to our baby, I asked if he wanted to spend the week with Macy. He mentioned that he had some time off from work, and I didn't want to keep him from her at Christmastime. We made plans for him to come by later in the week and keep her until the day before Christmas Eve. He wasn't leaving Texas, just planned on going to Dallas to take her shopping and have a little fun with her. Though it would kill me to be away from her for more than a day, I took comfort in the fact that she would be nearby.

**-O-**

_**I'm home. You still up? – E**_

I didn't get around to calling Edward while he was driving back home since Garrett and I talked for so long. As soon as he left, I hurried to my phone and smiled so big my cheeks hurt when I saw his recent message.

_**Still up. Getting ready for bed. Can I call you in a few if you're not too tired? – B**_

_**Never too tired for you, Bell. Talk to you in a few. – E**_

How had I lived so many years without him?

It was unbearable to imagine him not being in my life now.

Once I changed into my pajamas and brushed my teeth, I checked on Macy one more time before turning off my light and climbing into bed. Clutching my phone, my heart fluttered before I dialed his number.

"Took you long enough, Bell," Edward answered, his voice tired, but so very sexy, as he answered on the first ring.

"Sorry... had to change and all that good stuff."

"Wish I could have been there for that," he replied.

_Gah_.

Cue silence on my part because when the person you find most attractive leads the conversation _there,_ it leaves you speechless.

Edward chuckled somewhat nervously. "Sorry... too soon for that kind of talk, I guess."

"No!" I blurted. Judging from the heat, it must have been deep red and burning. "It's okay."

"I can't hide the fact that I'm still insanely attracted to you." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I understand. I, uh... I mean, I feel the same way."

"About me? You find me attractive?" The flirty, cocky voice Edward had was proof that he absolutely loved our conversation; practically hearing me squirm through the phone.

"Tease. And yes, I do. You know this."

Thankfully, he changed the subject – talking about the party. I realized I didn't know how to flirt anymore; actually, I don't know if I ever did anyway. I was always awkward and fumbling with my words, but I was a teenager back then and could blame it on my age and innocence. But now, as an adult, I was still ridiculously awkward when it came to that stuff with Edward. I wanted more than anything to be smooth – to say the right things – but I sucked at it.

And then my mind drifted to sex.

Sex with Edward, to be exact.

We'd only had sex two times. _Two _times. Would he still find me attractive that way? I hadn't even had sex in so long, I couldn't remember the last time. Would I be okay at it?

Getting way ahead of myself, I sighed.

"You sleepy, bab- Bella?"

"Nah, I'm good."

That low rumbly chuckle came through the phone and I was literally aching for him. "Where were you? You sound so far away."

"Just thinking... wondering what you're doing for Christmas?"

I definitely needed to get my head out of the gutter.

We discussed Christmas, and I informed him of the arrangement with Garrett. Edward thought it was a great idea and reassured me that I was going to be fine while Macy was away. He still wanted to take Macy and me to dinner, but wanting to spend more time with him, I suggested he come to my house and we could cook dinner together. That idea was perfect, and he planned to pick Macy and me up to go grocery shopping early in the afternoon. I couldn't wait to see him the next day. It seemed so far away, and I had no idea how'd I get through the day, knowing I was going to see him. I knew Mace would be thrilled; she absolutely adored Edward.

After all of those years of hurting, wishing I could be with him, I was finally getting what I wanted. I would never let him go now.

**-O-**

"Edward, will you tell Momma that moon pies are not gross. And she should buy me some." Macy stood on the front of the shopping cart, with Edward standing behind her, his arms around her as he pushed the cart. She was chatting so much and so loudly, I knew he'd be ready to run any minute.

"Bell, moon pies are good. So much better than those pink snow puff things you like."

I turned around, looking at both Edward and Macy with goofy grins on their faces. "No, they're not."

Edward winked, still grinning. "Come on, Mom... can we get moon pies?"

"Puh-lease?" Macy pleaded loudly.

I really never enjoyed grocery shopping, but listening to Macy and Edward made it an enjoyable experience. Usually, Macy would complain throughout the store or beg for something she shouldn't eat, but with Edward, they coupled together to try to aggravate me. And the outcome was the opposite, considering I could barely walk because they were making me laugh so hard. It felt so good to be _happy_.

After a long trip to the store, we finally got back to my house and unloaded everything while Macy talked Edward's ear off. It felt like we were a real family, and I could tell I wasn't the only one who loved it. Edward was beaming. Macy was smiling so big, I was sure her cheeks were hurting.

"Hey," Edward whispered, standing beside me as he bumped his hip against mine. I was busy cutting up vegetables while Macy was picking up her toys and washing up before dinner. Edward had been grilling outside, even with the chilly temperature.

"Hi," I replied with a grin. "Having fun out there?"

Catching me off guard, he placed one of his hands around my neck, making me squeal. "Oh, yeah... it's fun to freeze to death while you're in this warm house."

"You know, I do have a knife in my hand. That was very dangerous. And plus, it wasn't _my _idea to have steak. I would have cooked a casserole or something."

"And as I told you before, I need to show you I'm a grill master when it comes to cooking steak. I need a reason for you to keep me around..."

I chuckled lightly, looking at him out of the corner of my eye. "Yeah, that's the _only _reason I'd keep you around."

Giving me a wink, Edward leaned in and left a kiss on my temple before going back outside. That small kiss left me reeling with excitement and anticipation of what was to come. I knew without a doubt, even if I had to make the first move, that we would finally kiss later that night. I could not wait for that.

**-O-**

Too soon, dinner was over and it was time for Edward to leave. I was both anxious and excited for that part of the night. It was all I could think about. I hoped all night that he'd kiss me.

"Sorry, it's so crazy here. Macy never stops talking, and I know it took so long to get her tucked in and asleep... you must be exhausted after spending two nights with us now." I continued to ramble, not even knowing what I said because I was ridiculously nervous with Edward standing less than a foot away from me.

I was walking him out to his car, lingering on the front porch because I hated to see him leave. It was inevitable, though. He had to get home because we both had an early morning the next day; going back to work after a fun weekend. I sometimes hated being an adult.

Edward stepped forward, coming even closer to me. I looked up to his face, finding his signature smirk. "Stop, Bell."

Feeling nervous and shy, I stepped back, my back hitting the porch railing. "Sorry."

With one hand resting on the railing behind me and the other cupping the side of my face, Edward shook his head. "Don't be sorry... and stop getting all shy on me. It's _me_, Bell."

Feeling fingertips touch my burning cheek, I swear, I felt tingles everywhere. "I know... I just..."

"I want to kiss you."

My heart pounded. "I want you to."

"Good answer." His lips pressed against mine, soft but firm at the same time. Those same lips that I'd loved for longer than I could remember. Lips that belonged to a man I loved so much, I couldn't begin to explain.

The control he had was comforting. His other hand moved to cup the other side of my face, tilting it as his chest pressed against mine. My face in his hands – it was the best feeling in the world. Sweet, simple kisses lead to passionate kisses – his tongue gently caressing mine; I was so lost to that man, falling even more in love with him, if that was possible.

Before I knew it, Edward-always the responsible one-slowed it down, ending that perfect kiss with light pecks as he wrapped his arms around me. I buried my face in his chest, reveling in the fact that he was there and I wasn't dreaming. It was real. _He _was real.

"You're too tempting, Bella. Way too tempting."

"So are you," I whispered back, my words muffled against his shirt.

We stood like that, Edward swaying us back and forth for several minutes. The moon was out, shining bright, and I thought of all those nights that I'd stare at it, wondering what he was doing; wondering if he ever thought about me.

"Can I take you out this week? On a real date?"

I nodded against him, wishing he didn't have to leave. "Macy will be with Garrett... so it'll be just us."

"As much as I love that munchkin, I'd love to spend some time alone with you. Take you to dinner and a movie... try to convince you that I'd be a good boyfriend..."

I giggled, feeling so on top of the world, nothing could ruin this moment for me. "You don't have to convince me."

"I wanna _woo_ you. Can I wooyou, Bell?"

"I'd love that."

We were finally getting our second chance; a chance to show each other how great life could be together. After all of those years I spent wondering what could've been, I should have known that we'd find our way back to each other. He was my one and only.

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**This is the beta'd version - must've forgotten to go back and add the correct version. Thanks to Jen for making it look pretty as she always does. :) **

**Thanks for reading!**


	24. Date

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.**

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I hadn't dated in years. I went from stumbling my way through less than a handful of dates with Edward straight to Garrett. I was so inexperienced in the dating department, I felt completely ridiculous. I should've felt comfortable around Edward; we'd already had the awkward _second _first kiss, and I'd rambled out my feelings for him at Macy's party. But regardless, I was still a nervous wreck.

"You're fidgeting." Edward glanced my way with a smile before looking back to the highway ahead of us.

"No, I'm not."

He laughed and shook his head. "I've known you for a while now, Bella. You're nervous."

Yes, he knew me better than anyone else. He'd been on my mind for years and years and could still turn me into this blushing, shy girl who felt so anxious and excited around him. I felt like a teenager again, going on that first outing with him to dig for diamonds, and just like then, he still had my heart. "So... where are we going?" I asked, ignoring his comment about me being nervous.

Edward grinned, reaching over and squeezing my hand. "Still can't take surprises very well, can you?"

"Not really." I chuckled, trying to settle down my nerves a bit. "And seeing as it's getting kind of late . . . and we're heading out of town . . ."

"Come on, Bell, live dangerously—stay out late, don't go to bed early like an old lady."

"Ha-ha, you're so funny. For your information, I've been staying up late, seeing as someone keeps me on the phone until all hours of the night."

He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it softly, sending tingles throughout my body. "I'm a lucky man—so glad you're giving us a chance again."

And just like that, our conversation went from playful to so romantic that my heart felt as though it would beat out of my chest. "I didn't think it'd be possible . . . I just . . . I'm the lucky one, Edward." I didn't really want to have one of those deep talks where I get so emotional over the choices I made that affected both of our lives. I wanted to have fun, live in the moment—that kind of thing.

Edward must have read my mind. "Getting back to your question; we're going to Arkadelphia."

"And what's in Arkadelphia?" I asked, leaning over the console. I wanted to be so much closer to him.

"We're going to eat at this little Mexican restaurant that I think you'll love, and after that, I'm taking you to see the lady in black."

I remembered all the scary stories he used to tell me, and that was one of them. Even as a grown-up, I was still scared like a child; he had no idea what he was getting himself into.

Or maybe he did.

**-O-**

"You are so going to get us killed," I whispered, snuggling closer to Edward's side. He had to be out of his mind. After a quiet dinner at one of his favorite local places, we parked along the side of the road and walked near the cliffs, where the supposed ghost could be seen. It wasn't just the ghost I was afraid of; some serial killer could be lurking and we were outside, walking around like absolute crazy people.

"Like I'd let anything happen to you," Edward whispered back, and he kissed the top of my head as he tightened his arm around me. "And besides, we're just going a little bit further . . . right about here."

He stopped and swung me around to face him, wrapping his arms around me. "Maybe I just wanted to get you all to myself, with nothing and no one around."

"I could think of better, _safer _places for that. Like my house. Your house. Inside the safe confines of your car . . . you know, _normal_ things like that. Someone could—"My rambling was put to a stop as soon as Edward leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. "It's crazy, I know. I just feel like we never got to do the things we wanted to before. I wanted to do so many things with you . . . and I've got that chance again."

"And one of those things was to freak me out beyond belief, right?" I asked, warm and snug in his arms, yet still really scared.

He kissed my temple and hugged me tight. "Sorry."

But his playful smirk told me he was not sorry at all. He was enjoying it as much as I thought he would. He didn't know what he was going to have to deal with after that creepy outing, but he would soon find out, seeing as I planned to call him at all hours of the night whenever I got scared.

"It probably wasn't my best idea." _Maybe a little guilty._

I buried my face in the crook of his neck, reveling in the fact that I was being held by this amazing, sweet man—who happened to be the sexiest man alive, in my book. I was so in love with him that it hurt; and I was pretty sure he felt the same.

I'd missed him _so _much. And without thinking about it any further, I told him so.

He pulled away just a bit, looking intensely at me. "I feel like we were cheated . . . our lives were interrupted, I guess you could say. I spent so many years missing you and hating that I missed you so much . . . and now, I feel like we deserve to just pick up where we left off. I just . . . I don't know if I can do _slow _with you. You and I—we just feel natural together."

I couldn't find the proper words to reply. Part of me agreed completely—slow was not really an option with us—but the mom in me thought of Macy and how it might be confusing to her. She was already dealing with Garrett and I divorcing; I didn't know if jumping into a full on relationship with Edward would be good for her.

"I've been waiting my whole life for this—for you, Bella. And I can wait longer. I don't want you to get the wrong idea," he said, and I could almost hear the disappointment in his voice from my lack of response.

"You don't have to wait," I finally said. "I—I'd be lying if I said I think we should take things slow. It just seems crazy. The only thing is; I don't want Macy to be confused by us. I'd like to ease her into this."

He nodded, hugging me even tighter to his body. "Are you sure you want a relationship with me? Jasper said you hadn't really dated anyone. I don't want you to feel like—"

"No. I didn't date for a reason. Edward, I couldn't even love my husband the way a wife should because I was still in love with you. Do you honestly think I could just divorce Garrett and move on with another guy who wasn't you?"

He shrugged, and I continued. "I—I had high hopes that you and I would become friends one day, that maybe you could forgive me for moving on . . . I never thought I would be in your arms again."

"I'm not letting you go, Bella. If something happens, I would fight... You can't get rid of me."

Regardless of what came our way, I knew without a doubt that I would be with this man for the rest of my life.

**-O-**

We drove back to my house in silence; a good silence. My hand was held securely in his as he ran his thumb along the back of it. The entire way there, I tried to think of how I'd ask him to spend the night. I knew we probably weren't ready for sex, but I wanted to feel young again—and enjoy my boyfriend spending the night in my bed.

Once we arrived at my house, Edward laughed when I finally admitted that I was really freaked out. Part of it was me pretending so that he'd offer to spend the night, and the other part was honestly scared. To take my mind off of the scary stuff, Edward searched my DVD collection, trying to find something to watch. He finally settled on Armageddon, both of us feeling a little nostalgic.

"Macy will be back this weekend, right?"

I nodded, snuggling closer to his side. "Yeah, Friday afternoon."

"What are you two doing for Christmas?"

It was going to be my first Christmas without my mom, something I was really dreading. We spent every Christmas shopping and decorating, always planning these outrageous Christmas gatherings at her house; this year would be so heartbreakingly different.

"I don't really know yet . . . Alice and Jasper are going to his family's this year, and my aunt invited me, but she and my uncle are just going out to eat that day. We'll probably hang out at home."

Rubbing my arm lightly, his fingertips gave me goose bumps. "My parents always have this annual Christmas Eve party, inviting a lot of people from around town—old family friends and my annoying family who think I must be gay since I haven't settled down with a woman yet."

I chuckled and pinched his leg. "You just want me around for that!"

"Well, yeah, of course, baby. I mean, my aunt gave me a few guys' phone numbers last year; she hates the idea of me being alone."

But I couldn't focus on anything he said because he called me _baby_. I couldn't remember the last time I heard him call me that. Just as it did when I was a teenager, my heart beat a little faster when he said it. My face was on fire, blushing like always.

I laughed, and with a sudden jolt of boldness, I tilted my head up and lightly kissed his neck. "And is that your nonchalant way of asking me to come over?"

Edward tightened his hold on me and groaned. "Um, yeah . . . especially if you keep doing that."

Within a matter of seconds, I was pulled to his lap, utterly shocked and excited. It was so nice to just . . . _be_ with each other. I never thought I'd have this chance with him. And though we'd lost so much time together, we were definitely going to make up for it now.

However, I felt awkward and less experienced, much like I'd felt as a teenager around Edward. Yes, I'd been married at one time, and yes, we'd had child together, but Garrett and I had never had a passionate relationship. We'd just never clicked. I'd read romance novels, longing for that kind of connection, and to be quite honest, it was always Edward I thought of.

"Stay with me tonight?" I asked, rushing out the words.

"Your bed is a dangerous place right now, Bell—"

"I know. I just . . . it's too soon for _that_, but I just want to sleep with you, that's it." Not so smooth and not so sexy.

Edward laughed and breathed heavily against my chest. "It might be hard to _just _sleep with you." With his uninjured arm, he pulled me forward, making sure I felt his hardness beneath me.

I laughed, running my hands through his hair. "You are such a perv."

"I can't help myself around you, baby. You bring out the horndog in me. My mind just thinks: Bella, Bella, sex, sex, sex, sex, boobs, Bella. It's a never-ending cycle." We laughed heartily as Edward pulled back, giving me a playful wink.

I yawned and stood from his lap, holding out my hand.

Edward took my hand and stood, smiling sweetly at me. "Take me to your bed, beautiful girl."

* * *

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**Anyone still reading? **

**I'm sorry for the insane amount of time it's taken to get this updated. I have a million excuses which I'm sure doesn't really matter to anyone, but the bottom line is I was overwhelmed and busy. Things have settled down slightly for me, so I'm hoping to get back to my regular posting schedule. **

**Thanks to Jen for being an awesome friend and such a great beta. :) And thanks to Rhonda and Tammy for pre-reading. **

**Thanks for sticking with me!**

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**(If you're wondering why I pulled my other stories, I had a freakout moment when RL crashed into my FF life. I will be posting the stories again - I've just been too lazy to go back and upload all of them - along w/ blowing up readers' inboxes.)**


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